Keeping the Peace... Regret #3

Are you a Peace-Keeper or a Peace-Maker?  Regret #3 is all about the way we settle the peace in our lives...

For a clearer picture, let me share Bronnie's 3rd regret on her list of the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed...

I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

 

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others.  As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.  Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

 

We cannot control the reactions of others.  However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level.  Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life.  Either way, you win. 

 

This is a difficult one for me.  I abhor conflict... disagreements... strife... dissension... disciplining children... arguing... and discord.  I am a wimp.

 

I will walk miles to avoid conflict.

 

Expressing my feelings does not come naturally.  Well, that's weird to say, because really, that's exactly what I do on this blog.  Huh... so, on closer examination, what I really do not do naturally is involve myself in the conflict kind of expressing my feelings.  Yes, that's the kind I avoid...

 

Which really makes me a doormat.  I thought it was easier to suppress those feelings than to rock the boat.  I truly do not like to upset people. 

 

But sometimes, a thing needs to be said, in a nice way of course, that still may upset the hearer.

 

An example?  When mom was desparately trying to prepare for the inevitable course of her pancreatic cancer, I could barely stand to see the pain it was causing my dad, not to mention all who loved her.

 

But she knew, gut-deep, that she needed to prepare.  And despite the many, many days that we avoided the conversation, she didn't give up.  As we share in the website, it was her best, last gift to us.

 

What would have happened if she had suppressed her feelings to spare ours?  Taken the "easy" road and avoided the conflict?  We would have been lost and floundering and filled with regrets when the time came to honor her last wishes... In her gift to us, she exhibited a grace and dignity that raised our relationship to a whole new, deeper and more profound level.  I will ever, ever be grateful for her courage in this.

 

End of life issues are never, never easy to talk about.  And you cannot control the reaction of others, but in speaking honestly and from the heart, rest assured that peace will settle.

 

In Matthew 5, Jesus taught the multitudes from high upon a mountainside.  He gave us the passage of scripture that we call the Beautiful Beatitudes.  In verse 9, he shares... "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." 

 

He didn't say Blessed are the peacekeepers...

 

So, I'm thinking that God did not call us to be peacekeepers, but to be peacemakers.  Too often I find myself trying to keep the peace at all costs.  Sometimes, I need to make the peace by confronting an issue, even as uncomfortable as it might make the hearer and me.  And though this may cause momentary conflict and distress, I truly believe that it ultimately brings peace.

It is not easy.  I do not like it.  I have not arrived.

But I am striving to turn my peacekeeping ways into the gentle and blessed art of peacemaking...

May Peace Settle in Blessed Abundance this night,  Love Always, Jane
 

Regrets? There are 5...

Sometimes a thought just sticks in my head and won't go away... Really, it's not even a whole thought, just a single word...

And not one I want to think about... at all.

But can I forget it?  Nooooo....  It keeps coming up, like the bone Petie keeps burying.  And then digging up.  (And refusing to let go of...)

The point is, I've learned that when a thought (or a word) won't go away, then maybe it's time to hash it over.  Get it out.  Deal with it.  And put it to bed.  Make peace with the troublesome topic and move on. 

Right.  So, this is the thing.  Last week at Aunt Emily's memorial, my sweet cousin shared a simply perfect witness to her life.  I mean perfect, the stories, the smile, the love... all there.  Except.  He added that she always had had a few regrets...

Regrets...

He said, there were things she had wanted to do but never got around to.  Regrets...

Opportunities that slipped thru her fingers.  Regrets...

Choices she had made but wished she hadn't.  Regrets...

I cringed.  Wanted to shut out the word.  For who wants to hear about regrets when there is no time left for restoration?  No happily ever after?

The word rattled around in my soul after I got home.  It followed me to bed.  Crossed my mind during last Sunday's sermon. Interrupted my conversations with the goats, who were no help whatsoever...  And then it had the audacity to jump off the page of an article I was reading...

Regrets.

I stared at the word and finally let the walls down.  And felt the pain.  Tears spilled as I acknowledged the truth of the word.

Regrets... the disappointments, the sorrows, the grief for what might have been, and for what could have been avoided had different choices been made.

In my life.

In Aunt Emily's life.

In mom's life.

It's a truth I can't ignore.  In this life, we will all have regrets... disappointments, sorrows, laments.   Would that there was a way to eliminate these moments.  To find that Happily-Ever-After ending...

And do you know why this particular article had caught my eye?   It was in the title...

"Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed."

 

Seriously.  That was the title.  I wanted to know.  I had to know.  What are the top 5 regrets that people make on their deathbed? 

 

I was surprised at a few.  Nodded with understanding at others.  And overall, found myself strangely uplifted by the inspirational viewpoint of the author.

 

Might you indulge me while I share her story over the next few days?

 

The article was written by a palliative, or hospice, nurse, named Bronnie Ware.  She has spent many years tending to the needs of the dying, and has found a universal thread of emotions as people neared the end of their lives.  There was often denial, and there was fear, also anger and remorse.  But almost always the emotions evolved into acceptance.  She shares that every single patient she tended found peace before they departed.

 

When she asked about any regrets they had or anything that they would have done differently, she found that there were 5 common themes of regret among these terminally ill patients.

 

Today, let me share the first of these 5, it is the most common regret of all...

 

"I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

 

When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled.  Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.  It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way.  From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late.  Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it." 

 

Dreams gone unfulfilled... because we live the life others expect of us...

 

Perhaps this is true for many.  For others, the ones who have focused soley on attaining their dreams, they may find when they arrive that they are all alone. 

 

Seeking our dreams at the expense of others is the opposite of becoming enslaved to the expectations of family and/or peers and never breaking free to reach for our dreams.  It is a double-edged sword, is it not? 

 

I have found myself thinking of dreams...My dreams.  And I wonder, what dreams have I not nurtured?  Have I given up on?  What dreams have I experienced with gladness?  Found come wholly true?  If tomorrow I learned of my terminal diagnosis, what would I clearly see?

 

Will this be my most lamented regret?  Not having the courage to live a life true to myself?

 

If Aunt Emily could come back for just a moment and share her thoughts, I have no doubt it would be to refute the last line of the author's post... "From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late."  This is so not true!  Aunt Emily was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer over 3 years ago.  It had spread to her spine, honeycombing the bones.  She suffered numerous fractures and aggressive chemotherapy and radiation to ease the pain and arrest the development of the invading cancer cells.  During this time she successfully realized a dream and published not one, but 6 novels...  An amazing feat for any healthy person, but phenomenal for one struggling hard with all the physical and emotional turmoil of a terminal disease.

 

This is one of the stories my cousin shared.  As a family they could not be prouder of her successes, her dreams come true.  And yet, her regret was of not having done it sooner....  I pondered that thought and decided that perhaps she didn't realize herself what an inspiration she was to so many people.  Somehow I believe those novels were published right on time.  And I so wish I could tell her...no regrets...not for this one dream.  It is beautiful and right... a legacy lived out for her husband, her children and her grandchildren...

 

And...

 

It is not too late...

 

... to find the courage to live a life true to yourself.  What dreams lie beating within your heart?  Have they been long buried? Or are they bringing joy to your soul?  Have they been smothered by the demands of life?  Or are they your life?

 

What Dreams has the Grace Giver placed within you?  Dare to Live a Life True to the Calling...

 

It is never too late.

 

(to be continued...)