When Days Become Years...

 Grief.  It is such a strange thing.  

We each travel our own road, but the triggers that sear our hearts are universal when it comes to navigating the heartbreaking minefields of loss. 

A favorite meal, a scent that was theirs.

The first Birthday without them.  Every ensuing birthday without them.

Holidays... and Anniversaries... the first year of their passing.  The first Christmas table with the empty chair.  The days flowing into years...

And just like that...10 years have passed.  How is that possible??

December 4, 2011.

The day pancreatic cancer won.  I never thought our hearts would heal.

And perhaps healing isn't the right word.  Maybe it's more of a learning to ride the waves of sorrow and learning to hold the grief loosely.  Allowing joy to take up residence in hearts that were battered and bruised but still beating.

And the years brought blessings and love in new ways, in sweet ways, but the grief has always been there.  And sometimes, some days, like the marking of 10 years, the grief swamps.

So, we chose to commemorate.  It's not a celebration really, but a time of remembrance.

For us, it meant a time of travel.  Following the advice Mom gave us so often... a bit of legacy living for sure...

So, we took that great advice and went out and did the things!  We have traveled and wandered ourselves into some grand adventures over the years, but this year, this anniversary was a tough one.

Good friends planned a getaway that was balm to our hurting hearts.  A camping trip deep into the rugged beauty of Big Bend National Park!

We have wanted to visit for years... this was the perfect time.

We hiked and explored the days away and star-gazed late into the nights.
It was bliss!

The vast and desolate landscape of this historic national treasure gave us room to breath and space to remember all the good in our lives.  

Grief has a way of turning us inward, darkening our thoughts and shuttering our hearts.

Remembering the good in our lives opened us up to the joy and grace and the blessing that have always been ours.

And it wasn't long before the smiles followed...

Under that amazing west Texas sky we took stock of the things we've learned these past 10 years...

the list is refreshingly short!

We are small, so very, very small.

But God is so Big!

Our hearts can break.
But they can love powerfully deep.

Wandering is good.  And adventures are great...
But coming home is Best!

At the end of our grand adventure, it was so good to turn down our dirt road towards home.  The satisfying crunch of gravel beneath our tires, the familiar sway of our big old oak trees, and that beautiful log home waiting at the end of our drive...they all sang a welcome home that gave our souls rest.

And it occurs to me that at the end of this life, the moment God calls us each heavenward, we will feel that same sense of peace and rightness as we turn our face and hearts towards Home.  The newborn babe we celebrate this Christmas season... the Christ child who came to triumph over the grave... He will lead us by the hand to a welcome home we can only imagine!

So, my prayer for you this year... Hope and Peace for whatever road you might be traveling.  May you always know that we count it such a Blessing and Privilege to be on this journey together, walking each other home with an abiding love and joy.

It is His Grace that sets Heaven in our Hearts,

My Love, Always,

Jane

Leaping into Brave...

The Grief Journey

5 years ago... Can it really be?

5 years ago, I watched the sun come up through a hospital window as mom lay behind me, still and small, machines beeping, iv's dripping.  I didn't know it would be the last sunrise I would ever see with her...

And we've wandered this grief journey like a rag-tag bunch of homeless pilgrims.  Always seeking our way back to the familiar, the normal, trusting in a God of Big Grace to guide our steps.  We are finding home in a very new normal, with lessons learned, often upon our knees, torn and tear-stained, along the way:

Life goes on... whether we want it to or not.  That's the hard.  In those early days and weeks how we wanted life to stop. {It did stop... without her.}   We were broken, grieving, a mess.  And Grace pulled us back into the land of the living, with tears and love, laughter bubbled again.

Death is final... we can't go back and undo things we've said or done.  How we've longed to turn back time.  No one is ever ready to say Good-bye... we've learned to rest in the gift of those final months, knowing we said a million I love you's... knowing it will be enough to bridge the long walk until we meet again. 

Compassion is the heartbeat of Grace... my heart grieves more tender with those suffering loss.  I have learned to just be there.  Words are so inadequate when a world disintegrates, but arms to hold, shoulders for endless tears and hearts grieving together... this, I am finding, is the language of compassion and love and God's Grace.

Surprising, I have learned to live larger, take chances, find a little brave... This past cruise with Dad found us all on an adventure that simply slays me!  We, literally, leapt into brave...

Truly... Me, afraid of snakes and speaking in public and jumping off high dives... yes, that fearful, cowering me... she leapt off canyon walls and over thundering waterfalls... Seriously {!}  I did that!

Leaping into Brave... perhaps you would enjoy a picture (or two) of our Extreme Canyoning Adventure??

Did I tell you that our Extreme Canyoning Adventure took place on the beautiful Island of Dominica, home to Pirates of the Caribbean film???  Beautiful I say!

First we got suited up... 

{a lot of gear I'm thinking... hmmmm...}

Ready for Adventure

Crash course in rappelling...

{Think I've got this.  Sort of...}

Gorgeous hike thru the RainForest to get to the, ahem, jumping off point.

{Nervous yet?}

Yep, nervous now,

well, actually getting a little freaked out,

that rappelling tutorial back at home base left a few things out!

This is getting real.

{I might have been trying not to throw up... just saying}

Holy Cow!  I made it!

{In one piece... and I'm smiling!}

And you may notice that the group made me go first...What?!

Yes, they figured if I could do it then they could too... Ha!

I may have needed a push for the first Leap into Brave...

{that was a 20 foot waterfall}

No, No, No!

Yes, Yes, Yes!!!

I just did that!

I JUST DID THAT!!!

Navigating the current...

We think the water was cold, but none of us can remember.

We were just so happy to have survived the first two challenges!

Our happy and amazing guide!

More Leaping!

More Climbing!

More Waterfalls!

More Amazing!

{That Smile}

We got this now...

Gorgeous RainForest Canopy

High Above Us...

Last one... and it's a beast!

Getting our Brave on in the most spectacular way!

Done!

We just did that!

Leaping into Brave

And we survived!!!!

It's very symbolic of the past 5 years... the cliffs, the waterfalls, the hard,

the pain, the fear, the push, the pull of so many loved ones cheering us on...

It is so like our Grief Journey,

and we are making it, one cliff at a time.

5 years of missing... Time and Grace have woven their way through out our days, slowly, but surely walking us home.

Missing mom... I will always, always miss her.  Time has eased that intense yearning to hear her voice and feel her hugs, but I'm learning to allow myself to grieve those moments when nothing will do but to feel her near.

Today is one of those days... the grief digs in... and we know tomorrow the memories will swamp.

Giving ourselves permission to feel her near, and let the tears fall, and miss her so very deeply... and rest in memories forever ours.

My Love, Always,

                           Jane