I believe in a Gracious God.
I am blessed beyond measure, here in this place.
I know that my Redeemer lives and has opened the gates of heaven for his adored.
And then... Pancreatic Cancer...
How can we ever mesh the two? My Sovereign God... This Malignant Cancer... Stealing our joy, our faith, our hope... But still we believe... God holds us, He is Love... But the Cancer, it is relentless...
We learn that Cancer can distort the innocence. It Changes the naive beliefs. It is heartless and cruel. To take our moms and dads, our spouses, our children... Our faith is stalked and shaken...
This is the battle fought in countless lives every. single. day.
Pancreatic Cancer. No respecter of position or power or place. Nor of faith...
We watch the Patrick Swayze's... And the Michael Landon's... And the Steven Jobs... And the Randy Pausch's... Men in their prime, succumbing to pancreatic cancer's vicious stranglehold...
And we ask Why? How can it be that pancreatic cancer is still winning? Why, God, Why?
And the question becomes so much more personal when it is you... or your spouse... or parent.
And it gnaws a hole in our soul.
Truly, it is the question of most every cancer patient... Why Me? And for every cancer family... Why Us?
To be fair, there are some who would ask the question 'Why not me?' For none of us are given a free pass in this fallen world... But in the dark nights of the cancer journey, when the pain stabs and the tears run salty, these questions spill over and despair gains traction... Cancer consumes our thoughts and we plead for the answer to Why?
Early on in our cancer journey, we met a family who had every right to ask these questions.
Dan was young and healthy and busy... Raising a beautiful family, loved by an extraordinary woman... Pancreatic cancer had no business in their lives... until it became their only business.
Dan underwent surgery and for a brief time thought the battle was won. But the cancer came back with a vengeance, spreading to his liver.. and they heard the words... stage 4, inoperable.
Why? Heart trips over the pain and the hurt. Tell me why.... he was young, healthy, had a family that needed him, loved him... Tell me why, why is pancreatic cancer still winning?
And I learned that the question "Why" can haunt you and make you crazy... because there are no answers...
Chuck Smith wisely shared these words when others asked him that very question during his cancer journey,
"Never trade what you do know for something you don't know."
He continued, "I know God loves me. I know God is good. I may not know Why, but I do know that God is working out His perfect plan in my life."
When the cancer diagnosis turned deadly, Trisha, Dan's wife, shared the moments in a poignant letter. The moments suspended in time when they learned the cancer was back... and was winning.
Unspeakable pain, Unshakeable faith.
And it reminded me immediately of Chuck Smith's admonition... We hold on to what we KNOW, even in the midst of heart-wrenching seasons of whys...
Trish and Dan have walked the road of Hard Grace. This cancer journey so incredibly difficult to navigate, let alone understand. When I asked her if she would consider letting me share part of the letter with you, she didn't hesitate...
"YES you may use it!! I'd be honored... I just want God to use me through all this pain. Don't get me wrong. I do have joy in my life and so many blessings!!! It's just not going the way I had planned."
And so, with Trisha's determined permission, here is a portion of the letter she sent me:
"I have decided to open my heart and soul and let you see a raw, honest glimpse of what goes on in the heart and mind of a woman whose beloved husband has cancer: Sometimes I am flooded with my FEELINGS over this whole cancer thing, and sometimes I am standing firmly on what I KNOW regardless of my feelings. This piece below was sent to me by a friend. It has helped me share with others how I feel!
If I were to catalog some of my "Feelings" from A to Z, here is what you would see in my heart:
A - afraid, anxious, alone...
B - broken, burdened...
C - confused, crushed...
D - doubt, dread, discouraged...
E - envious... (of those whose journey does not include cancer or suffering)
F - fearful, fatigued...
G - guarded, guilty...
H - helpless, hopeless, heartbroken...
I - insecure, inadequate...
J - jostled and jerked around...
K - kicked down...
L - lonely, lost...
M - mad, mournful...
N - numb!!!
O - oppressed, overwhelmed...
P - powerless, "poor me"...
Q - like Quitting!!...
R - restless, rejected...
S - sad, sorrowful, scared...
T - tired, tense, tearful...
U - useless, uneasy, unsure...
V - victimized...
W - worried, worn-out, weary...
X - eXtremely eXhausted...
Y - whY this? whY now? whY Dan?...
Z - lacking zeal...lacking ZZZZ's (sleep)...
Wow! All those sad feelings could leave one flat-lined emotionally, and sometimes I am, but thankfully, I have a strong faith on a firm foundation that is based on His Word and His Truth!
This is what I KNOW to be true, that in spite of my fickle feelings, raw emotions, and the cancer, I KNOW...
A - He is ALWAYS WITH ME! He promises never to leave me or forsake me!
B - He BINDS up the broken-hearted!
C - He is the God of all COMFORT and He CARES for me!
D - He DIED so that I may live with Him eternally one day!
E - He is EMMANUEL... GOD WITH US!
F - He promises me a FUTURE, and a FOREVER HOME with Him!
G - He is the GENTLE SHEPHERD who cares for His lambs!
H - He HOLDS all things together with His HAND!
I - I am His and He is mine!
J - I have been JUSTIFIED through faith in Christ!
K - He is the KING OF KINGS!!
L - He LEADS me, all the way my Savior LEADS me! (even through the valley of the shadow of death)
M - His MERCIES are new every MORNING!
N - NOTHING can ever separate me from His love... NOTHING!!
O - He is the OMNISCIENT, OMNIPRESENT, OMNIPOTENT God!
P - He PROVIDES the PEACE that PASSES all understanding through His POWER!
Q - In the secret, in the QUIET place, in the stillness YOU are there!
R - He will uphold me by His RIGHTEOUS RIGHT hand!
S - SALVATION is found in no one other!
T - I can TRUST in Him and not lean on my own understanding!
U - UNDER His wings I am safely abiding!
V - There is VICTORY in Jesus!
W - When I WAIT on the Lord, my strength will be renewed!
X - His grace is eXtravagant!
Y - His YOKE is easy and His burden is light!
Z - He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, and I can rest in that and get some ZZZZZZZ's!
Thank you for allowing me to share my heart with you. It's so easy and almost "natural" for me to be swallowed up in the raging, billowing sea of life and be tossed around by the storms of life! Yet, I know that no matter what the storm, my anchor holds to the One who created me, and has a plan for me, Dan and each and every one of you! ~ Trisha"
Standing firm on the foundation of God's Word, His Truth...
our Comfort, our Hope...
Never trade what you do Know for something that you don't know.
Thank you Trisha for reminding us all that God is so much bigger than our circumstances. Your faith, dear friend, has given inspiration to countless others. Praying for God's sweetest blessings upon you as your journey unfolds in His time. May you know, abundantly so, just how eXtravagant His Grace truly is... Love you!
Holding on to the power of this Truth tonight, In Grace, Always, Jane
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