It will be enough...

I need you to be OK with never knowing why Cancer chose me...

 and not trying to explain the reason why this happened to me...

Early on in mom's cancer journey we became just a little consumed with the Why of it all... nearly drove us insane.  But here she was... healthy, fit, rarely sick a day in her life, and then... cancer.  And not just any cancer... this was pancreatic cancer, deadly, terminal, heartbreaking.

Somewhere along the way, Mom finally made "peace" with the beast.  She drew us all near and shared this truth...It is your solidarity as you stand with me in the fight against this cancer beast that will mean the most to me... not your explanations and rationalizing the 'whys' and 'how comes' this cancer is knocking down my door.

It reminded me of Job...Old Testament...devastating journey... a book of Why's...and Not Fair's...

For those who aren't familiar with the story of Job, here's my 0-to-60 version in a nutshell:

Job was a good man. He loved God.  Disaster struck.  He wished to Die.  Yet, Refused to curse God.  But asked Why a million times.  God spoke Loud.  Job Remembered and Surrendered to God's wisdom. God Restored.  Job remained Blessed.

 Ok... that might be really condensed... like maybe there's more to the story... So, yes, here's the rest...

Job was a good man and righteous in the eyes of God.  He lived a good life, had a wonderful family, and was the best rancher in the land with lots of sheep and camels and oxen.  One day, up in the heavens, Satan argued with God that Job was only good because God had blessed him so abundantly.  His challenge was stark, give me permission to test him, saying that if Job lost all these things, he would turn and curse God...

God allows Satan to torment Job and in the course of 24 hours, he loses not only all his livestock and servants, but all ten of his precious children to horrific disasters.  Job tears his clothes and mourns in agony, but still he blesses God.

Not finished, Satan strikes Job bodily with boils and sores so that he would wish for death.  And yet, Job continues to bless God as he struggles to accept his circumstances.  From an anguished heart he speaks, "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" (Job 2:10)

His wife, in the pangs of grief herself, tells Job to curse God and die...the bitterness of her pain is palpable...

Job's 3 friends weren't much better, basically accusing Job of hidden sin for which he was being "punished." Their well-meaning but thoughtless advice only intensified Job's misery.

What a nightmare...Job spends much of the Book working through what's happening and asking "why".

And finally... finally... God appears.

He speaks with Job.  And His voice thunders...

God speaks of who He is and what He's done.  Job's heart and head bow in abject sincerity, acknowledging God's great might and power.

 Job has been given an answer... not the one he was expecting, but one much more important.

He claims with boldness in Job 42:2   "I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted."  Out of the storm, God has revealed Himself... Job is struck anew with the glory of His almighty presence... God is alive, He is mighty, He cares beyond a doubt, and God, surely, is capable of all things.

Then God gave back to Job twice what he had before.  And God blessed the last part of Job's life even more than the first part...

And that's the story of Job.

I have always loved that God came to Job in his misery and spoke to him... God spends so much time telling Job who He is and what He's done.  It never occurred to me until mom was journeying with cancer, and we were asking why, to see the things that God didn't tell Job...

He didn't tell Job why everything was happening to him.  We, of course, knew the "back-story" of how Satan had challenged God for permission to test him, but Job certainly didn't know that, nor did God deem it necessary to share that with Job.

Job asked why and God didn't tell him. Period.

God chose to answer Job with a magnificent description of who He is.  But not with why He allowed all these things to happen.

God chose to display His awesome power.  But not to disclose His future plans for Job.

And Job found that it was enough.

All the through the storm Job struggled.  He longed to believe God was still good.  That Jehovah was still in control.  That He was still a loving God.  The struggle was monumental.  Job continued to praise, but the questions... he agonized with God...

And God Almighty met Job with Himself... His Power...His Majesty...

Job found that it was enough.

God still meets us with Himself today.  Our struggles, the very real questions, the torment and the pain of not knowing why.

And He tells us His power is greater than our need.  Always.

Might we remember this day that we are loved completely by a good God.  And He remains steadfast and good even when we suffer unimaginable pain and grief.

He is there.  He is in control.  He is all powerful.  He loves us.  Always.

It is enough..


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When we can't help but ask Why?

I believe in a Gracious God.

I am blessed beyond measure, here in this place.

I know that my Redeemer lives and has opened the gates of heaven for his adored.

And then... Pancreatic Cancer...

How can we ever mesh the two?  My Sovereign God... This Malignant Cancer... Stealing our joy, our faith, our hope... But still we believe... God holds us, He is Love... But the Cancer, it is relentless...

We learn that Cancer can distort the innocence.  It Changes the naive beliefs.  It is heartless and cruel.  To take our moms and dads, our spouses, our children... Our faith is stalked and shaken...

This is the battle fought in countless lives every. single. day.

Pancreatic Cancer.  No respecter of position or power or place.  Nor of faith...

We watch the Patrick Swayze's... And the Michael Landon's... And the Steven Jobs... And the Randy Pausch's... Men in their prime, succumbing to pancreatic cancer's vicious stranglehold...

And we ask Why? How can it be that pancreatic cancer is still winning?  Why, God, Why?

And the question becomes so much more personal when it is you... or your spouse... or parent.

And it gnaws a hole in our soul.

Truly, it is the question of most every cancer patient... Why Me? And for every cancer family... Why Us?

To be fair, there are some who would ask the question 'Why not me?'  For none of us are given a free pass in this fallen world... But in the dark nights of the cancer journey, when the pain stabs and the tears run salty, these questions spill over and despair gains traction... Cancer consumes our thoughts and we plead for the answer to Why?

Early on in our cancer journey, we met a family who had every right to ask these questions. 

Dan was young and healthy and busy... Raising a beautiful family, loved by an extraordinary woman... Pancreatic cancer had no business in their lives... until it became their only business.

Dan underwent surgery and for a brief time thought the battle was won.  But the cancer came back with a vengeance, spreading to his liver.. and they heard the words... stage 4, inoperable.

Why?  Heart trips over the pain and the hurt. Tell me why....  he was young, healthy, had a family that needed him, loved him... Tell me why, why is pancreatic cancer still winning?

And I learned that the question "Why" can haunt you and make you crazy... because there are no answers...

Chuck Smith wisely shared these words when others asked him that very question during his cancer journey,

"Never trade what you do know for something you don't know."

He continued, "I know God loves me.  I know God is good.   I may not know Why, but I do know that God is working out His perfect plan in my life."

When the cancer diagnosis turned deadly, Trisha, Dan's wife, shared the moments in a poignant letter.  The moments suspended in time when they learned the cancer was back... and was winning.

Unspeakable pain, Unshakeable faith.

And it reminded me immediately of Chuck Smith's admonition... We hold on to what we KNOW, even in the midst of heart-wrenching seasons of whys...

Trish and Dan have walked the road of Hard Grace.  This cancer journey so incredibly difficult to navigate, let alone understand.  When I asked her if she would consider letting me share part of the letter with you, she didn't hesitate...

"YES you may use it!!  I'd be honored...  I just want God to use me through all this pain.  Don't get me wrong.  I do have joy in my life and so many blessings!!! It's just not going the way I had planned."

And so, with Trisha's determined permission, here is a portion of the letter she sent me:

"I have decided to open my heart and soul and let you see a raw, honest glimpse of what goes on in the heart and mind of a woman whose beloved husband has cancer:  Sometimes I am flooded with my FEELINGS over this whole cancer thing, and sometimes I am standing firmly on what I KNOW regardless of my feelings.  This piece below was sent to me by a friend.  It has helped me share with others how I feel! 

If I were to catalog some of my "Feelings" from A to Z, here is what you would see in my heart:

A - afraid, anxious, alone...
B - broken, burdened...
C - confused, crushed...
D - doubt, dread, discouraged...
E - envious... (of those whose journey does not include cancer or suffering)
F - fearful, fatigued...
G - guarded, guilty...
H - helpless, hopeless, heartbroken...
I - insecure, inadequate...
J - jostled and jerked around...
K - kicked down...
L - lonely, lost...
M - mad, mournful...
N - numb!!!
O - oppressed, overwhelmed...
P - powerless, "poor me"...
Q - like Quitting!!...
R - restless, rejected...
S - sad, sorrowful, scared...
T - tired, tense, tearful...
U - useless, uneasy, unsure...
V - victimized...
W - worried, worn-out, weary...
X - eXtremely eXhausted...
Y - whY this? whY now? whY Dan?...
Z - lacking zeal...lacking ZZZZ's (sleep)...

Wow!  All those sad feelings could leave one flat-lined emotionally, and sometimes I am, but thankfully, I have a strong faith on a firm foundation that is based on His Word and His Truth!

This is what I KNOW to be true, that in spite of my fickle feelings, raw emotions, and the cancer, I KNOW...

A -  He is ALWAYS WITH ME!  He promises never to leave me or forsake me!
B - He BINDS up the broken-hearted!
C - He is the God of all COMFORT and He CARES for me!
D - He DIED so that I may live with Him eternally one day!
E - He is EMMANUEL... GOD WITH US!
F - He promises me a FUTURE, and a FOREVER HOME with Him!
G - He is the GENTLE SHEPHERD who cares for His lambs!
H - He HOLDS all things together with His HAND!
I - I am His and He is mine!
J - I have been JUSTIFIED through faith in Christ!
K - He is the KING OF KINGS!!
L - He LEADS me, all the way my Savior LEADS me! (even through the valley of the shadow of death)
M - His MERCIES are new every MORNING!
N - NOTHING can ever separate me from His love... NOTHING!!
O - He is the OMNISCIENT, OMNIPRESENT, OMNIPOTENT God!
P - He PROVIDES the PEACE that PASSES all understanding through His POWER!
Q - In the secret, in the QUIET place, in the stillness YOU are there!
R - He will uphold me by His RIGHTEOUS RIGHT hand!
S - SALVATION is found in no one other!
T - I can TRUST in Him and not lean on my own understanding!
U - UNDER His wings I am safely abiding!
V - There is VICTORY in Jesus!
W - When I WAIT on the Lord, my strength will be renewed!
X - His grace is eXtravagant!
Y - His YOKE is easy and His burden is light!
Z - He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, and I can rest in that and get some ZZZZZZZ's!

Thank you for allowing me to share my heart with you.  It's so easy and almost "natural" for me to be swallowed up in the raging, billowing sea of life and be tossed around by the storms of life! Yet, I know that no matter what the storm, my anchor holds to the One who created me, and has a plan for me, Dan and each and every one of you!     ~ Trisha"

Standing firm on the foundation of God's Word, His Truth...

our Comfort, our Hope...

Never trade what you do Know for something that you don't know.

Thank you Trisha for reminding us all that God is so much bigger than our circumstances.  Your faith, dear friend, has given inspiration to countless others.  Praying for God's sweetest blessings upon you as your journey unfolds in His time.  May you know, abundantly so, just how eXtravagant His Grace truly is... Love you!

Holding on to the power of this Truth tonight,  In Grace, Always, Jane