It will be enough...

I need you to be OK with never knowing why Cancer chose me...

 and not trying to explain the reason why this happened to me...

Early on in mom's cancer journey we became just a little consumed with the Why of it all... nearly drove us insane.  But here she was... healthy, fit, rarely sick a day in her life, and then... cancer.  And not just any cancer... this was pancreatic cancer, deadly, terminal, heartbreaking.

Somewhere along the way, Mom finally made "peace" with the beast.  She drew us all near and shared this truth...It is your solidarity as you stand with me in the fight against this cancer beast that will mean the most to me... not your explanations and rationalizing the 'whys' and 'how comes' this cancer is knocking down my door.

It reminded me of Job...Old Testament...devastating journey... a book of Why's...and Not Fair's...

For those who aren't familiar with the story of Job, here's my 0-to-60 version in a nutshell:

Job was a good man. He loved God.  Disaster struck.  He wished to Die.  Yet, Refused to curse God.  But asked Why a million times.  God spoke Loud.  Job Remembered and Surrendered to God's wisdom. God Restored.  Job remained Blessed.

 Ok... that might be really condensed... like maybe there's more to the story... So, yes, here's the rest...

Job was a good man and righteous in the eyes of God.  He lived a good life, had a wonderful family, and was the best rancher in the land with lots of sheep and camels and oxen.  One day, up in the heavens, Satan argued with God that Job was only good because God had blessed him so abundantly.  His challenge was stark, give me permission to test him, saying that if Job lost all these things, he would turn and curse God...

God allows Satan to torment Job and in the course of 24 hours, he loses not only all his livestock and servants, but all ten of his precious children to horrific disasters.  Job tears his clothes and mourns in agony, but still he blesses God.

Not finished, Satan strikes Job bodily with boils and sores so that he would wish for death.  And yet, Job continues to bless God as he struggles to accept his circumstances.  From an anguished heart he speaks, "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" (Job 2:10)

His wife, in the pangs of grief herself, tells Job to curse God and die...the bitterness of her pain is palpable...

Job's 3 friends weren't much better, basically accusing Job of hidden sin for which he was being "punished." Their well-meaning but thoughtless advice only intensified Job's misery.

What a nightmare...Job spends much of the Book working through what's happening and asking "why".

And finally... finally... God appears.

He speaks with Job.  And His voice thunders...

God speaks of who He is and what He's done.  Job's heart and head bow in abject sincerity, acknowledging God's great might and power.

 Job has been given an answer... not the one he was expecting, but one much more important.

He claims with boldness in Job 42:2   "I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted."  Out of the storm, God has revealed Himself... Job is struck anew with the glory of His almighty presence... God is alive, He is mighty, He cares beyond a doubt, and God, surely, is capable of all things.

Then God gave back to Job twice what he had before.  And God blessed the last part of Job's life even more than the first part...

And that's the story of Job.

I have always loved that God came to Job in his misery and spoke to him... God spends so much time telling Job who He is and what He's done.  It never occurred to me until mom was journeying with cancer, and we were asking why, to see the things that God didn't tell Job...

He didn't tell Job why everything was happening to him.  We, of course, knew the "back-story" of how Satan had challenged God for permission to test him, but Job certainly didn't know that, nor did God deem it necessary to share that with Job.

Job asked why and God didn't tell him. Period.

God chose to answer Job with a magnificent description of who He is.  But not with why He allowed all these things to happen.

God chose to display His awesome power.  But not to disclose His future plans for Job.

And Job found that it was enough.

All the through the storm Job struggled.  He longed to believe God was still good.  That Jehovah was still in control.  That He was still a loving God.  The struggle was monumental.  Job continued to praise, but the questions... he agonized with God...

And God Almighty met Job with Himself... His Power...His Majesty...

Job found that it was enough.

God still meets us with Himself today.  Our struggles, the very real questions, the torment and the pain of not knowing why.

And He tells us His power is greater than our need.  Always.

Might we remember this day that we are loved completely by a good God.  And He remains steadfast and good even when we suffer unimaginable pain and grief.

He is there.  He is in control.  He is all powerful.  He loves us.  Always.

It is enough..


Previous                                                                                          Next

Wrestling with God

We saw her in Venice...just happened upon her as we wandered the crooked streets and alleys of this anciet floating city...

 

Her broom kept time with her limp as she nodded shyly... crazy American tourists getting lost in her quiet alley...

 

We smiled and nodded back, universal language world over... Good morning, we love your city, thank you for sharing it with us!

 

Her eyes twinkled as we carefully stepped around her pile of the day's dirt and as I looked back to see her hard at work in her corner of the city, I wondered about her story... 

 

What memories has she stored up under her crown of white,

what joy has she treasured deep in her heart,

what troubles have her work-worn hands smoothed,

and what heartaches hid beneath that limp...

 

A momentary glimpse and then we were gone.  But she stays in my mind...

 

I will never know her story.  But I still see the limp.

 

And I know that the limp can't be easy.  There was another man who walked with a limp til the end of his days.  And it wasn't easy.  He lived years and years ago, but I find his story lingers on my heart...

 

His name was Jacob.  And he had a twin brother.  He was the younger of the two, and as most brothers do, they fought like cats and dogs from the minute they were born.  And like many younger brothers, Jacob found ways to aggravate his older sibling...to the point that he eventually found himself running for his life.  He had finally pushed all the wrong buttons and this time he truly thought his brother might kill him with his bare hands...

 

So Jacob ran off into the world, found a job, got married and had babies (lots of babies... 12 sons and 1 daughter!) and after many years he had finally settled down enough to realize he missed his family.  And his brother...

 

Jacob made the decision to go home and reconcile with his brother.  But... would it really be that easy?  What if his brother was still out for revenge?  What if he hadn't mellowed with age, nor had forgotten all of Jacob's "crimes"? 

 

As Jacob traveled the road toward home he worried and stewed over his transgressions.  He had lied.  He had cheated.  His brother had reason to be angry.  Perhaps angry enough to kill him, even now.

 

Jacob was scared and as he sat there that evening on the road home he was tempted to turn back.  To run far far away...and yet he knew amends must be made.  He was so confused.  So unsure.  So afraid... He never saw the stranger approaching until it was too late.

 

And they wrestled.  Jacob fighting for his life.  Wrestled hard they did.   All night long... And some where in the dark, the wrestling changed.  The desperation and confusion boiling over, Jacob must have realized he was wrestling with God himself.  Now instead of trying to throw off the man, he found himself clinging tight, refusing to let go. 

 

Perhaps Jacob didn't even understand that his cry for help had been answered.  The fear, the questions...God understood the agony of his heart and met him there...in the dark...willing to wrestle as long as Jacob needed...

 

And Jacob, he just refused to let go of God.

 

The sun came up and still he refused to loose his grip, saying, "I will not let you go until you bless me."

 

And God touched the socket of Jacob's hip and put it out of joint.  And still Jacob clung to Him.

 

Then God said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have wrestled with God and have overcome."  And He blessed him there, with Jacob's hip out of joint, sweaty and weary from the long, dark night of wrestling.

 

And as the sun rose, Jacob turned his face toward home and his brother, and took his first step on torn hip... limping, dragging, forever marked by his struggle with God, but now covered in Grace and Peace.  (Genesis 25-33)

 

The dark of the night seems to be always the worst.  Whether it is a cancer diagnosis, or a disintegrating marriage, or a child ripped from your arms...

 

In the dark we wrestle.  There is no sleep for the troubles that just won't be solved.  We want His help.  But we don't know how to understand His plan.  For cancer or divorce or a lost child are surely not His plan... and we wrestle.  Hard.  We are Wounded.  And in pain.  Desperate.  Confused.  And Afraid.

 

And sometimes we don't even know we are wrestling with God. 

 

How long do we wrestle before we realize and begin to cling to Him.  Praying for that Blessing.

 

I will not let you go until you bless me...

 

God will always meet us where we are.  In cancer nightmare.  Or heartache overwhelming.  He is strong enough for our flailings and thrashings.  Our fears and our pains. 

 

And He will hold us long thru the dark night...waiting, just waiting for our prayers to turn to Him.  Asking for the Blessing.  Out of this darkness... Out of this nightmare, Lord bring Blessing.

 

He will cover us always in His Grace and Peace.  He will give strength to walk the journey before us, but we will forever be marked by our struggles.  The limp is a daily reminder that we have wrestled with God.  And have survived.  And begged the blessing...

 

"The Lord bless you

and keep you;

The Lord make his face shine upon you

and be gracious to you;

The Lord turn his face toward you

and give you Peace."

                              ~ Numbers 6:24-26

 

And that Jacob?  Yes, he met his brother on the road toward home.  Limping and fearful still, but now sure of His plan.  And somehow completely at peace.  Until the moment he saw Esau, he didn't know if his life would be demanded of him that day for justice of sins past...

 

But the Blessing came in a Big Bear Hug from that brother long-lost, but now forgiving.  Joyous reunion.  A family restored.

 

God is so into Grace.  And Blessing.  No matter how long we wrestle over His plan.  He simply longs to hold us close and give us Peace.

 

I am loving that His Grace covers my limp, for my struggles and my wrestling over mom's pancreatic cancer have forever changed the way I journey through this life.  I will never be the same and I'm learning that that's okay in His book. 

 

Sinking into the Peace Granted,  Blessing Sweet,

                                                                 Love Always,

                                                                                      Jane