So Many Things to be Thankful For

May your day be filled with true gratitude for all the good things
that have graced your journey.

My Love,

           Jane

 

Finding Grace in the Shadow Valley

How do you even breathe after a pancreatic cancer diagnosis?

The mind and heart can shut right down when this cancer comes to shatter your life.  We know.  It can be a living nightmare... an all-consuming darkness that threatens to extinguish any light of hope. 

If pancreatic cancer has touched your life in some way, then perhaps our book, Finding Grace in the Shadow Valley, will offer hope as you journey.

It is the story of our walk into the dark pit of a terminal cancer diagnosis and the Grace that carried us through...

In November of 2010, cancer interrupted our very comfortable, extremely ordinary lives with a vengeance when our mom was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer.  I believe it was the moment our Shadow Valley walk began.

Finding Grace is written as a diary of sorts… the day to day battles, the difficult decisions, the roller-coaster ride of a cancer treatment… we share our heart, the emotional questions, the hard answers.

We also recount the joy and grace that surrounded us in the midst of the terrifying darkness.

This is the story of Finding Grace in the midst of a cancer diagnosis and the way it changes how we live out our stories.

If you are wondering what it is like to walk this valley road, if you are desperate to find hope for yourself or a loved one, we pray this book will offer a light for your path.

We are humbled to know that mom’s story has resonated with so many.  Perhaps it is as one reader so aptly put, “It is good to know that I am not alone.”

Yes, It is good to know we are not alone.   We are walking hand in hand, taking a journey together that none of us wish to take.  Never doubt that Grace walks that road too, each and every step, right alongside us.

Finding Grace… it is what makes facing those horrific days possible.

And it brings Hope to the Shadow Valley every. single. time.

Available Now

@ amazon

Christmas Blessings...

Christmas at the Lake... in a Log Home still under construction!  And family still came and filled these log walls with love :-)

Loud and Crazy and just Perfect!

We took Poppy and Christian on a gator ride!

There were feisty Christmas calves...

and precious sleepy babes...

The evening wrapped up in a perfect sunset...

A day to relish the sweet Blessings of a baby in a manger

Given to us all because of Love...

It is the Best Gift ever given.

Merry Christmas from our home to yours...

May you feel the holiness of this season all year long.

Sending Love in abundance,

In Grace, Always,

                 Jane

Bees, Knees and a Wee, Little Cruise!

What a busy season this has been... Taking a minute to catch up on all the news... and then back on track with spreading hope for the pancreatic cancer journey.

Over the past few months, the Farmer has had some knee swelling and pain... rest and ibuprofen weren't enough.  The doctor confirmed a torn meniscus and scheduled surgery this month past.

So off we go to prepare for a knee repair day surgery, a little downtime, a bit of therapy, and hopefully a knee that will be as good as new soon... But not before smoke interrupted our plans!

Fire at the Creek!

We were too discombobulated to take pictures of the angry flames and billowing smoke... with the blustery wind and dry brush of a spring not yet in bloom, we had scary visions of the fire climbing the hill to our very new and "made-of logs" cabin!

We are very, very thankful for the fast response of our tiny, rural volunteer fire department!  They are rock-stars!

The burn area was safely confined to the creek bottom!

So, crisis averted, off we go to clean up and get back to the business of the Farmer's knee surgery.

And then a Wee, Little Cruise with Poppy and the family to recuperate!

A relaxing Cruise to tropical ports of call is the best medicine!  Just sayin'... :-)

Throw in some fabulous fun with family and life is good!

Now, we're back home with our nose to the grindstone... Lol!

Oh!  And the Bees?  Yes, we have become new BeeKeepers!

The bees are a great addition to the homestead, and we are looking forward to a sweet, golden reward come late summer!  A neighboring Bee Keeper has been mentoring us and the education has been amazing... More on the Bee Journey in days to come!

We are Graced to be Home, more than grateful for each and every Blessing along the way,

Love, Always,

Jane

Wrestling with God

We saw her in Venice...just happened upon her as we wandered the crooked streets and alleys of this anciet floating city...

 

Her broom kept time with her limp as she nodded shyly... crazy American tourists getting lost in her quiet alley...

 

We smiled and nodded back, universal language world over... Good morning, we love your city, thank you for sharing it with us!

 

Her eyes twinkled as we carefully stepped around her pile of the day's dirt and as I looked back to see her hard at work in her corner of the city, I wondered about her story... 

 

What memories has she stored up under her crown of white,

what joy has she treasured deep in her heart,

what troubles have her work-worn hands smoothed,

and what heartaches hid beneath that limp...

 

A momentary glimpse and then we were gone.  But she stays in my mind...

 

I will never know her story.  But I still see the limp.

 

And I know that the limp can't be easy.  There was another man who walked with a limp til the end of his days.  And it wasn't easy.  He lived years and years ago, but I find his story lingers on my heart...

 

His name was Jacob.  And he had a twin brother.  He was the younger of the two, and as most brothers do, they fought like cats and dogs from the minute they were born.  And like many younger brothers, Jacob found ways to aggravate his older sibling...to the point that he eventually found himself running for his life.  He had finally pushed all the wrong buttons and this time he truly thought his brother might kill him with his bare hands...

 

So Jacob ran off into the world, found a job, got married and had babies (lots of babies... 12 sons and 1 daughter!) and after many years he had finally settled down enough to realize he missed his family.  And his brother...

 

Jacob made the decision to go home and reconcile with his brother.  But... would it really be that easy?  What if his brother was still out for revenge?  What if he hadn't mellowed with age, nor had forgotten all of Jacob's "crimes"? 

 

As Jacob traveled the road toward home he worried and stewed over his transgressions.  He had lied.  He had cheated.  His brother had reason to be angry.  Perhaps angry enough to kill him, even now.

 

Jacob was scared and as he sat there that evening on the road home he was tempted to turn back.  To run far far away...and yet he knew amends must be made.  He was so confused.  So unsure.  So afraid... He never saw the stranger approaching until it was too late.

 

And they wrestled.  Jacob fighting for his life.  Wrestled hard they did.   All night long... And some where in the dark, the wrestling changed.  The desperation and confusion boiling over, Jacob must have realized he was wrestling with God himself.  Now instead of trying to throw off the man, he found himself clinging tight, refusing to let go. 

 

Perhaps Jacob didn't even understand that his cry for help had been answered.  The fear, the questions...God understood the agony of his heart and met him there...in the dark...willing to wrestle as long as Jacob needed...

 

And Jacob, he just refused to let go of God.

 

The sun came up and still he refused to loose his grip, saying, "I will not let you go until you bless me."

 

And God touched the socket of Jacob's hip and put it out of joint.  And still Jacob clung to Him.

 

Then God said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have wrestled with God and have overcome."  And He blessed him there, with Jacob's hip out of joint, sweaty and weary from the long, dark night of wrestling.

 

And as the sun rose, Jacob turned his face toward home and his brother, and took his first step on torn hip... limping, dragging, forever marked by his struggle with God, but now covered in Grace and Peace.  (Genesis 25-33)

 

The dark of the night seems to be always the worst.  Whether it is a cancer diagnosis, or a disintegrating marriage, or a child ripped from your arms...

 

In the dark we wrestle.  There is no sleep for the troubles that just won't be solved.  We want His help.  But we don't know how to understand His plan.  For cancer or divorce or a lost child are surely not His plan... and we wrestle.  Hard.  We are Wounded.  And in pain.  Desperate.  Confused.  And Afraid.

 

And sometimes we don't even know we are wrestling with God. 

 

How long do we wrestle before we realize and begin to cling to Him.  Praying for that Blessing.

 

I will not let you go until you bless me...

 

God will always meet us where we are.  In cancer nightmare.  Or heartache overwhelming.  He is strong enough for our flailings and thrashings.  Our fears and our pains. 

 

And He will hold us long thru the dark night...waiting, just waiting for our prayers to turn to Him.  Asking for the Blessing.  Out of this darkness... Out of this nightmare, Lord bring Blessing.

 

He will cover us always in His Grace and Peace.  He will give strength to walk the journey before us, but we will forever be marked by our struggles.  The limp is a daily reminder that we have wrestled with God.  And have survived.  And begged the blessing...

 

"The Lord bless you

and keep you;

The Lord make his face shine upon you

and be gracious to you;

The Lord turn his face toward you

and give you Peace."

                              ~ Numbers 6:24-26

 

And that Jacob?  Yes, he met his brother on the road toward home.  Limping and fearful still, but now sure of His plan.  And somehow completely at peace.  Until the moment he saw Esau, he didn't know if his life would be demanded of him that day for justice of sins past...

 

But the Blessing came in a Big Bear Hug from that brother long-lost, but now forgiving.  Joyous reunion.  A family restored.

 

God is so into Grace.  And Blessing.  No matter how long we wrestle over His plan.  He simply longs to hold us close and give us Peace.

 

I am loving that His Grace covers my limp, for my struggles and my wrestling over mom's pancreatic cancer have forever changed the way I journey through this life.  I will never be the same and I'm learning that that's okay in His book. 

 

Sinking into the Peace Granted,  Blessing Sweet,

                                                                 Love Always,

                                                                                      Jane

When the Door is Closing...

 

"Sometimes we stare so long

at a door that is closing,

that we see too late

the one that is open."

                    ~ Alexander Graham Bell

 

 

When cancer closes doors that we ache to walk through,

May our heart's eye be blessed to see

the doors of Grace that He has opened wide for us...

 

Praying for Beauty to Touch you Sweetly this Day,

 Always, Jane

Do Overs...

There is a question that we get asked often...

 

Would you change anything if you had the journey to do over?

 

Such a difficult, tender topic.  I can only speak from our personal experience and hope that the words make sense to the ones needing answers for the horrific decisions they are being asked to make.  Pancreatic Cancer doesn't play fair, nor is there a play book to follow, no right or wrong way to feel...each journey uniquely woven into the lives of all who love them...

 

The following excerpt from a recent note speaks to just how devastating and difficult those decisions can be...

My mother just turned 70, never sick a day in her life, she went in the hospital for the removal of her gallbladder and did not feel any relief from the nausea she had been having. She came home two days ago after spending three weeks in the hospital. She has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with mets to her liver. We are heart broken, and as I sit reading your journey I cry . We have not seen an oncologist yet but I know my mother is questioning to whether it will be worth it. My sister and I are nurses, and I have seen worse things than death.  I struggle with what is worse, a painful treatment or the early loss of my mother. If you had the journey to do over, would you have changed anything?

Dear Heart Broken One,

Thank you for your sweet note, and oh, I feel your heartache. There is nothing easy about this diagnosis. Please know that you are not alone. I so remember exactly what you are feeling. Mom's journey with pancreatic cancer was at once the most difficult thing and the most "graced" thing that we have ever gone through. I can honestly say, now looking back, that we were given a gift of time with her. Do I wish we had never heard the word pancreatic cancer - absolutely!!! I could live a thousand lifetimes and not go through the pain and anguish with her again. But because of mom's strength and attitude, we were blessed to delve deeper, love tighter and treasure completely. I would never give that up...

Would we have done anything differently? Such a hard question. You're a nurse, so you understand much more of the medical journey than most. Mom was a nurse too, and she accepted from almost the day of her diagnosis that she was terminal. But... she also was very willing to embrace treatment, and as you can see thru the website, she endured chemo and radiation. And I don't say that lightly. She truly suffered thru much of the treatment. There were days, especially at her sickest, that she was ready to stop all treatment. And we, her family, could only agree. It was beyond difficult to watch the chemo and radiation ravage her body. However, the side effects would invariably lighten, and then mom's optimistic spirit would rise and the laughter would bubble up from somewhere deep and off we'd go... We believe that the treatments gave us that year with mom. Her initial prognosis was only 3-6 months. So, no, she would not have changed a thing about her treatment (this I know, because we talked about it often!)

The one thing I would have changed (my brothers too) is we wish we could have talked her into going down to MD Anderson Hospital in Houston, TX. We all live in the Dallas area. She had great doctors here, but we always thought that maybe a top-notch cancer hospital (a.k.a. MD Anderson) might have given her some options not available here. We will never know, and she chose to have her treatment here at home so she could be surrounded by her family, her grandchildren and her friends. Having that emotional support is really almost as important as the medical, so we have come to accept that that was part of her journey, and it was her journey. I have learned that respecting those wishes are paramount to finding peace in this nightmare of cancer fall-out.

And here is the thing that none of us would change...The time that we spent with mom and dad after her diagnosis. The cancer diagnosis striped out all the superficial and trivial problems of daily living and let us focus on our relationship and building memories. The love was abundant, so were the tears, but none of us have any regrets. Our grief now is tempered by the blessings of that last year. Her smiles, her laughter, her words of endearment - all are tucked away in our hearts. We had time to wrestle with the tough stuff - and no, we didn't do it all at once. The past year was a roller coaster, but the treasure was in having the moments, and knowing they were the "moments". And that was the Grace Gift.

I am not sure if this makes sense at all... you have touched on such a tender topic. One that I know many families wrestle with. And there is no one right answer. We pray.  We wrestle.  We hush.  We listen...  And somewhere along the way find the strength to take the next step...

I am trusting in a Sovereign God to light your path and show you each step for the journey ahead. May you find there is always Grace enough for each day,

Always,
            Jane

Be a Blessing

 

 

The Story Behind "Blessings"

Sometimes a song just resonates. Laura Story's "Blessings" is one.  I have listened to it for weeks on the radio, and just happened to stumble on this interview today.  Laura is sharing the inspiration behind the song.  If you have time, it is worth a listen.

She understands the heartache of cancer.  The lyrics speak to the soul who is suffering through the anguish of unanswered prayer, the promise of healing, the reality of tears.  We wrestle with the implications.  We struggle to believe.  Laura reminds gently that God can move mountains and is truly loving us through the valley.  Could God possibly be blessing us by not giving us the very thing we ask for?   Is this journey calling us closer to the One who longs for our very heart, promising eternal healing even as we cry out? 

The words flow from a heart that has hurt. Has struggled.  Has found a foothold of faith...

From Drought to Drenching

What a difference 6 months can make.  This past summer I chronicled the horrific Drought burning up our neck of the woods.  Our pond, or "tank" as it's called down here in the south, is the lifeblood of our farm for the livestock and the wildlife.  An oasis of beauty, offering a drink deep for the goats and deer, a cool, green haven for the snappers and bullfrogs, and a place of serenity for our souls.

Weeks of a searing sun and the accompanying super-heated winds caused havoc on the land, parching even the deepest of tanks. We were not sparred the trial.

This is our tank mid-August, 2011.  Heartbreakingly dry.  Praying for relief and the soaking, life-giving rains.

Fast forward to the winter rains of this past week!  Not just a sprinkle, nor a soft spring rain.  This was a flood of biblical proportions.  Well, almost!   5 inches in less than 2 days.   There is now water overflowing!

Often the trials of our lives parch the very soul.  It's so easy to become brittle and dry in the fire-storm.  May the winter rains of peace soothe the scorched hurts of the trials you bear, bringing relief you never expected.  A blessing overflowing...

Just a word, Not a sentence...

It's a fact. What goes up, invariably comes down. Obviously mom's tumor marker didn't get the memo...

In the past week it has spiked up 80 points and is now at 362. It was not the news we wanted. Combined with her increasing upper rib cage pain, and we have a worry fest in the making.

However, the good news is that all her other blood work looked great. Platelets have rebounded well and chemo was a go today. So this will be round #1 of Gemzar in this cycle. Hopefully the increased tumor marker is an anomaly and will be dropping as we hit it hard with the chemo.

Mom talked with the nurse today about the increased pain and described it as intense acid-reflux. When it hits, nothing seems to help. For the last two nights she's been sleeping upright in the recliner (only way she can get relief from the burning pain). Bridget, the nurse, doubled her nexium, and said to give it a week, hoping that will help. We've decided that if mom's not better by Monday, we're calling. None of this "waiting and seeing" business anymore. We tried that with her gallbladder and then again when she had the septic strep infection. Both times we followed the oncologist's "let's wait and see" approach to mom's great detriment. It's time to be a little more assertive!

Thankfully none of this has affected her appetite. Dad took her to IHOP tonight and she made quick work of the Short Stack Sampler, (pancakes, eggs, bacon and hashbrowns)! Ummm... Just love breakfast for dinner!

It would be easy to let worry consume our moments. This journey is unpredictable and rocky. We have to constantly remind ourselves that "cancer is just a word, not a sentence." If we let it become a sentence, then it takes over our lives, snuffing out the joy in the everyday blessings all around us. Like:

Rain pouring from the sky this day to quench a parched patch of earth

The first crackling fire in the woodstove this season

Pancakes smothered in sweet syrup

Gentle hands from the chemo staff, thanks Lance :)

Platelets, Red Blood Cells and Hemoglobin all doing their jobs

The smell of homemade Banana Bread baking in the oven

Giggling Grandbabies

and Chocolate Truffles

Oh, the list could go on and on, I'm sure you can add to it the many blessings of your day. God is good. May I never forget, even when worry tries to derail our Hope.

Leaning into Him, Jane