Wrestling with God

We saw her in Venice...just happened upon her as we wandered the crooked streets and alleys of this anciet floating city...

 

Her broom kept time with her limp as she nodded shyly... crazy American tourists getting lost in her quiet alley...

 

We smiled and nodded back, universal language world over... Good morning, we love your city, thank you for sharing it with us!

 

Her eyes twinkled as we carefully stepped around her pile of the day's dirt and as I looked back to see her hard at work in her corner of the city, I wondered about her story... 

 

What memories has she stored up under her crown of white,

what joy has she treasured deep in her heart,

what troubles have her work-worn hands smoothed,

and what heartaches hid beneath that limp...

 

A momentary glimpse and then we were gone.  But she stays in my mind...

 

I will never know her story.  But I still see the limp.

 

And I know that the limp can't be easy.  There was another man who walked with a limp til the end of his days.  And it wasn't easy.  He lived years and years ago, but I find his story lingers on my heart...

 

His name was Jacob.  And he had a twin brother.  He was the younger of the two, and as most brothers do, they fought like cats and dogs from the minute they were born.  And like many younger brothers, Jacob found ways to aggravate his older sibling...to the point that he eventually found himself running for his life.  He had finally pushed all the wrong buttons and this time he truly thought his brother might kill him with his bare hands...

 

So Jacob ran off into the world, found a job, got married and had babies (lots of babies... 12 sons and 1 daughter!) and after many years he had finally settled down enough to realize he missed his family.  And his brother...

 

Jacob made the decision to go home and reconcile with his brother.  But... would it really be that easy?  What if his brother was still out for revenge?  What if he hadn't mellowed with age, nor had forgotten all of Jacob's "crimes"? 

 

As Jacob traveled the road toward home he worried and stewed over his transgressions.  He had lied.  He had cheated.  His brother had reason to be angry.  Perhaps angry enough to kill him, even now.

 

Jacob was scared and as he sat there that evening on the road home he was tempted to turn back.  To run far far away...and yet he knew amends must be made.  He was so confused.  So unsure.  So afraid... He never saw the stranger approaching until it was too late.

 

And they wrestled.  Jacob fighting for his life.  Wrestled hard they did.   All night long... And some where in the dark, the wrestling changed.  The desperation and confusion boiling over, Jacob must have realized he was wrestling with God himself.  Now instead of trying to throw off the man, he found himself clinging tight, refusing to let go. 

 

Perhaps Jacob didn't even understand that his cry for help had been answered.  The fear, the questions...God understood the agony of his heart and met him there...in the dark...willing to wrestle as long as Jacob needed...

 

And Jacob, he just refused to let go of God.

 

The sun came up and still he refused to loose his grip, saying, "I will not let you go until you bless me."

 

And God touched the socket of Jacob's hip and put it out of joint.  And still Jacob clung to Him.

 

Then God said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have wrestled with God and have overcome."  And He blessed him there, with Jacob's hip out of joint, sweaty and weary from the long, dark night of wrestling.

 

And as the sun rose, Jacob turned his face toward home and his brother, and took his first step on torn hip... limping, dragging, forever marked by his struggle with God, but now covered in Grace and Peace.  (Genesis 25-33)

 

The dark of the night seems to be always the worst.  Whether it is a cancer diagnosis, or a disintegrating marriage, or a child ripped from your arms...

 

In the dark we wrestle.  There is no sleep for the troubles that just won't be solved.  We want His help.  But we don't know how to understand His plan.  For cancer or divorce or a lost child are surely not His plan... and we wrestle.  Hard.  We are Wounded.  And in pain.  Desperate.  Confused.  And Afraid.

 

And sometimes we don't even know we are wrestling with God. 

 

How long do we wrestle before we realize and begin to cling to Him.  Praying for that Blessing.

 

I will not let you go until you bless me...

 

God will always meet us where we are.  In cancer nightmare.  Or heartache overwhelming.  He is strong enough for our flailings and thrashings.  Our fears and our pains. 

 

And He will hold us long thru the dark night...waiting, just waiting for our prayers to turn to Him.  Asking for the Blessing.  Out of this darkness... Out of this nightmare, Lord bring Blessing.

 

He will cover us always in His Grace and Peace.  He will give strength to walk the journey before us, but we will forever be marked by our struggles.  The limp is a daily reminder that we have wrestled with God.  And have survived.  And begged the blessing...

 

"The Lord bless you

and keep you;

The Lord make his face shine upon you

and be gracious to you;

The Lord turn his face toward you

and give you Peace."

                              ~ Numbers 6:24-26

 

And that Jacob?  Yes, he met his brother on the road toward home.  Limping and fearful still, but now sure of His plan.  And somehow completely at peace.  Until the moment he saw Esau, he didn't know if his life would be demanded of him that day for justice of sins past...

 

But the Blessing came in a Big Bear Hug from that brother long-lost, but now forgiving.  Joyous reunion.  A family restored.

 

God is so into Grace.  And Blessing.  No matter how long we wrestle over His plan.  He simply longs to hold us close and give us Peace.

 

I am loving that His Grace covers my limp, for my struggles and my wrestling over mom's pancreatic cancer have forever changed the way I journey through this life.  I will never be the same and I'm learning that that's okay in His book. 

 

Sinking into the Peace Granted,  Blessing Sweet,

                                                                 Love Always,

                                                                                      Jane

Focusing on the Fight...

Sometimes life seems to hand you more lemons.  And just when you finally thought you were finished making lemonade...

That appears to be the case for Good Morning America anchor, Robin Roberts.  Several years ago she successfully battled breast cancer, bravely sharing her journey with GMA viewers around the world.  Many of you may have heard her announcement this week concerning a new health crisis.  The following message from Robin appeared on GMA website this past Monday:

 As many of you know, 5 years ago I beat breast cancer. I’ve always been a fighter, and with all of your prayers and support, a winner.

Sometimes the treatment for cancer can cause other serious medical problems. Today, I want to let you know that I’ve been diagnosed with MDS or myelodysplastic syndrome. It's a disease of the blood and bone marrow and was once known as preleukemia.

My doctors tell me I'm going to beat this -- and I know it's true.

If you Google MDS, you may find some scary stuff, including statistics that my doctors insist don’t apply to me. They say I’m younger and fitter than most people who confront this disease and will be cured.

Today, I will start what is known as pre-treatment -– chemotherapy in advance of a bone marrow transplant later this year. Bone marrow donors are scarce and particularly for African-American women. I am very fortunate to have a sister who is an excellent match, and this greatly improves my chances for a cure. As you know from my recent interview with Mark Zuckerberg, organ donation is vitally important. Many people don't realize they can be bone marrow donors. I encourage everyone to sign up on a donor registry like bethematch.org.

I received my MDS diagnosis on the very day that Good Morning America finally beat the Today Show for the first time in 16 years. Talk about your highs and lows! Then a few weeks ago, during a rather unpleasant procedure to extract bone marrow for testing, I received word that I would interview President Obama the next day. The combination of landing the biggest interview of my career and having a drill in my back reminds me that God only gives us what we can handle and that it helps to have a good sense of humor when we run smack into the absurdity of life.

Bottom line: I’ve been living with this diagnosis for awhile and will continue to anchor GMA. I love what I do and the people with whom I do it. Along with my faith, family and friends, all of you at ABC News give me the motivation and energy to face this challenge.

Going forward, it’s business as usual at GMA, which means I’ll be right here every day with George, Sam, Josh and Lara. When I miss a day here or there, I’m fortunate that some very talented friends at ABC News will fill-in. When I undergo the transplant later this year, I’ll miss a chunk of time.

When I faced breast cancer, your prayers and good wishes sustained me, gave me such hope and played a major role in my recovery. In facing this new challenge, I ask humbly for more of your prayers and love – as I will keep you in my mine and update you regularly on my condition.

Love and blessings,

Robin

MDS, Myelodysplastic Syndrome, is a fairly rare complication of chemotherapy treatment for cancer.  And you know, I can't help but thinking how terribly unfair it is.  Cancer of any kind is bad enough.  The harrowing effects of chemotherapy almost as bad, and just when you begin to take a deep breath that the worst is over... MDS rears it's very bad, ugly head.

Enough to make the strongest run for the hills... But, of course, that really isn't an option.  And Robin appears to be facing this fight with the same determination and purpose as her breast cancer diagnosis.  During her on-air announcement this week, she was visibly shaken and emotional, sharing a vulnerability that touched a deep chord.  And then she sat up straighter and said, But, we have to Focus on the Fight, not the Fright.

Focus on the Fight, not the Fright.

What a profound statement for anyone facing the Cancer Battle.  Because of course, fear is such a very real companion on this journey.  It tramples over our Hope, claws its way into our Heart, and takes up residence in our Soul.  We can deny its reality with friends, but in the dark of the night when we lie awake wrestling, the nightmare of this insidious disease leaves its mark.

Maybe the answer is not in Denying the Fright, but in refocusing our energies to the Fight.  Naming the fears, researching the options, preparing your battle plan, leaning on faithful family and friends, these are just a few ways to Focus on the Fight.

Easy?  You know the answer to that.  Someone once said that Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.  Well, let me say that we must be living some kind of life so far out of our comfort zone!  And truly, we are.  The infinite tenderness and love we shared with mom near the end was Life at its most fundamental and powerful. 

That's the kind of Love that will Focus the Fight and destroy the Fright...

May your Fight be renewed with Grace and Hope.  My Love, Jane