Rise Up...

Beautiful words from a heart that knows sorrow...

Allison speaks hope into the grieving, when our worlds turn upended... is this how we saw our life playing out?  The hard, the hurt...the unwanted lines of our story?  

Read on and be encouraged.  God is with you, even as the battle rages...

"What if this really hard thing you're walking through is actually what’s needed? What if the waiting room you’re sitting in is where you need to be? What if that one crumbling, difficult relationship is actually the one you're supposed to pay attention to?

Without that thing, that room, that person, your life cannot become what God intends it to be.

Because you are more than your diagnosis. More than your grief. More than your inconveniences, your heart break, and your fears.

You are embodied Light, Goodness, and Mercy. And there is no place, no person, no thing where that Trinity is not needed. No place He will not go for you, for them.

Without the diagnosis, I would be no writer. Without a long form, living grief? I would have no dependence on Jesus. Without battle after battle, I would not bear light in broken places.

In the unwanted lines of this story, He is writing greater things. And not just for my good. But a greater story for His glory, in all places, for all people.

He is rewriting others’ stories because of you. Rise up. Gather heart and courage. Know that even as the battle rages, He is with you. And Jesus with you is greater than anything else we could acquire. Greater than any fabricated story book ending. He is greater and He is with you. Rise up."

~ Allison Byxbe

So Rise up.  Gather heart and courage.  Your story is still being written and God has the pen.  I have a feeling there is a beautiful ending in store!

My Love, Always,
                         Jane

Happy 4th of July!

Today we Celebrate our Nation's Freedom

and

Honor the Brave Men and Women

who have fought to Preserve & Defend it!

Grateful and Humbled every day

for God's outpouring of Grace and Blessing

upon this beautiful land!

Be safe, Be kind,

Be the light someone needs desperately to see,

Love, Always,

                      Jane

Borrowing Trouble from Tomorrow

Fear and Suffering just go hand in hand...

As a matter of fact, pancreatic cancer is the perfect dance of fear and suffering.

For anyone who has walked this road, I can feel the nod... you've been there.  Fear and Suffering are ever present on this journey.

The sagest of advice would be to not borrow trouble from tomorrow.  Good Advice.  Just not practical when you've been handed a pancreatic cancer diagnosis.

Mom struggled with debilitating pain in her upper abdomen for the duration of her cancer battle.  At times it was under control with pain medication, but too often, we were chasing down the next comfort measure and pressing her medical team for stronger perscriptions...

Which led to the cold panic of fear as we struggled all the more against the claws of this brutal malignancy.  When a loved one is in pain and the diagnosis is terminal, an all-consuming fear can just overwhelm...

I wish I had the magic bullet to confront and resolve the painful effects of Fear and Suffering.  What I can share, are the thoughts and reflections that helped us survive the nightmare we were living...

First, and by far the most important, would be the grace by which mom handled her terminal diagnosis.  She was the rock we rallied around, and her strength multiplied many times over as we fell apart in so many ways.

Mom led the way in the Blessings of Gratitude and taught us by example.  Her choices continue to guide us to this day...

We also learned from the friends and mentors God placed along our journey...

One in particular gave space for the struggle.  Iva May.  Her devotions touched a tender spot as we walked this road.

"Suffering confronts people with the fragility of life and forces them to evaluate their theology."

That's Truth.

And then she challenged our response...

"They either respond in bitterness toward God (she called this the Pride of Entitlement)

or

They trust Him to accomplish His redemptive purposes (this she called the Humility of Surrender).

Shaking down the complex to simple choices and a summons to action.

It was Lisa Harper who reminded us that "Some of our greatest miracles lie on the other side of a river of tears."

Profound Permission to feel the sorrow and own the grief that began the day pancreatic cancer came home to lay siege on our family.

And Hallowed Grace to receive the miracles given... for when healing was not found in this earthly place, we were gifted the sacred space with mom to share moments of love and wholeness that have been cherished more than all the tears that fell during her grievous battle with that formidable foe.

 Finally, an encouragement from Pope Paul VI that puts a perspective of Hope in all that we do...

"Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying.  Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day.  Do it! I say.  Whatever you want to do, do it now!  There are only so many tomorrows."

And we don't need to be Borrowing Trouble from those Tomorrows!! 

That's Truth... and Grace... for tonight,
My Love, Always,
                         Jane

I can see the Finish Line from here...

Several weeks ago I saw an interview with Jane Pauley and John Mellencamp.

I chanced upon it half way through, just in time to hear his take on how to live life well.  Well, actually I'm not sure he was expounding on the living well part as much as he was the living part...

But it struck a chord all the same and maybe you feel it too... the rushing of the days, speeding into years, until time turns around and the finish line nears...

How is it possible the Farmer is talking retirement??   65 this fall.  The Medicare solicitations filling our mailbox and Social Security deadlines looming...

65?

And still my heart skips a beat... he is the handsomest retiree-to-be I know ;-)

And the years, they keep rolling together, gaining speed with each passing day.

Perhaps Mr. Mellencamp was feeling it too:

"I can see the finish line from here.  I only have so many summers left. 

And I intend not to waste them being old."

I think we'd have to agree.  There's much more living ahead, and it's true, by God's grace, we only have so many summers left... So how to spend them?  This would be the question we face as we head for a new season in our life!

Retirement.

We're keeping an ongoing tally on our To-Do List...

There is much to do.  That log house won't build itself!  Lol!  And in 100 days, the Farmer will be punching out from the daily grind and punching in to life at the lake... {smile}

We intend not to waste a minute of the time we're given!

In our walk together these last many years, we've seen the tragedies...

the devastating losses of the too young,

the too innocent,

the too loved.

We may never understand, this side of Heaven,

nor have answers to ease our griefs.

We may never be able to fathom the depths

of God's grace and mercy for the sorrowing soul.

And we question the journey.

The longer we live, the more we realize how fragile our hold.

And yet, one thing I know... He has set the finish line before each one of us,

and we are called to run the race He's given us with excellence.

"And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith."

                                                            ~ Hebrews 12:1-2

By God's Grace, the gift of today is ours.

Let us make much of each moment,

for His Kingdom's sake...

My Love, Always,

            Jane

I Have this Hope

Because, sometimes, we need to be reminded...

When it feels like the night will never end..

Resolving to Trust His Grace...

"In the flood or fire, You're with me and You won't let go."

                                                       ~ Tenth Avenue North

Hello from St. Lucia!

We have arrived on the sunny island of St. Lucia to begin our much anticipated vacation here in the Caribbean.  Tomorrow we board the Mandalay for a bucket-list, week-long cruise on an old sailing schooner!

But before we board we have packed in some major sight-seeing... and for the record, the Island does not disappoint!

From flowering abundance:

to lazy waterfalls:

and amazing vistas:  

The peace and beauty have already begun to unravel our tangled nerves!  

And we say that there's no time like the present to start making some great memories...

We're not waiting another second!

Sweet sailing... See you in a week!!

P.S. We've got this self-stick thing down!!

Something Beautiful...

Sometimes a song has the power to put life's hurt and pain and grief into perspective...

Thank you Steven Curtis Chapman for a glimpse into the Uplifting Hope that comes when we give God all the broken pieces of our lives...

Would you take a moment and listen to these powerful words?  And find some of that Hope to hang on to?

"And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose."

             Romans 8:27-28

Trusting in the God who can make Something Beautiful and good from the mess life's made of our best laid plans...

...for truly His Grace has just begun.

The Best Way Out of this Journey...

"The best way out is always through."

                              ~ Robert Frost

No matter what we face in our journey, nor how we wish things would change... in the end, there is only one way out.  The best way out is always through.

Be it a cancer journey valley or a broken hearted sinkhole, when we determine to raise our souls and face the labor of it square on, something cracks inside...

And through that break of wishing the pain away, that facing of the hard, Grace opens the vale to the skies of blue beyond and beckons sweet.

For there is always promise in Grace... an overwhelming love and sustaining power... no matter what we face, nor how we wish things would change....

"But he said, "My grace is sufficient for you,

for my power is made perfect in weakness."

                                                                   ~ II Corinthians 12:9

What Every Cancer Warrior Needs

A Letter from the Battlefield:

what every cancer warrior needs

I need to say 'I Have Cancer'

without everyone falling apart around me.

I need your tender reminders for appointments and meds and meals,

my mind has been somewhere else lately.

I need to laugh...
and I need to cry.
And your sweet permission to do both.

I need you to make cancer stop,
and I will love you crazy for trying so hard.

I need your touch,
and I need my space... Give it with Love.

I need someone to ask how I'm doing,
and really want to know the answer.

I need you to be my foundation strong
when the storm bears down.

 I need your forgiveness when the outbursts and anger overwhelm,
my emotions have been in a rage ever since cancer came calling.

I need you to bring those sweet desserts and savory soups,
along with your understanding when I can only sample a bite
and your compassion when my strength fades in the midst of your visit.

More than anything, I need YOU...
Your support, Your encouragement, Your Love.

I can't ever imagine walking this cancer road alone. 

It has been pure joy to share mom's heart for this 31 day series.  

While this cancer journey can be filled with fear and pain and despair, it can just as easily be  walked out with love and grace and strength of spirit.  Mom lived her convictions right out loud, even in the midst of crippling fear and pain.

This life is what we make of it.  And yes, we found, through mom's example, that you can live life well, no matter the valleys.  It's a beautiful dance when we get it right... but it's still a dance through the minefields.

I would love to close with an unconventional song, that just fits somehow.  It's called Dancing in the Minefield, by Andrew Peterson.  The song is a tribute to his marriage and a nod to the Battlefield that it can become... So much like this cancer journey.

Listen with your heart.  We are all Dancing through this Minefield, together...

"And we're dancing in the minefields,

We're sailing in the storm

This is harder than we dreamed,

But I believe that's what the promise is for.

'Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man

So there's nothing left to fear.

So I'll walk with you in the shadowlands,

Til the shadows disappear.

'Cause he promised not to leave us

And his promises are true.

So in the face of all this chaos, baby,

I can dance with you."

We didn't know that Cancer had saved the last dance for mom... but we danced it together, right through the minefields, into the shadowlands with her.  The beat still echoes powerful in our hearts.

May you find strength and courage deep when this dance pulls you out onto that Battlefield.  It is our prayer, always, that God will lead with Hope, and give you the Grace you need for each step of the way.

Always, My Love,
                       Jane

Previous

I will not watch you die!

So, there's this movie... Sommersby.

And it's the kind that gets under your skin, and even though it was released years and years ago, it came back to me, like, yesterday, especially the cliff-hanging finale... hence the memorable, dramatic quote from the end of the movie above (my blog titles aren't usually quite so melodramatic, please excuse...)

But this movie...

It reeled me in with the mystery, the romance, the redemption... a beautiful tribute to the strength of the human spirit.  And once I was totally hooked?  The killer-twist of an ending... the pile of Kleenex at my feet was, well...

So, first of all, Spoiler Alert... I can't imagine anyone who hasn't already seen this classic, but, it could be... If that's you, then step away from your electronic device now... cause I just can't help it, we're going there.


To refresh our memories, here's the story:

Set in the aftermath of the Civil War, Jack Sommersby returns home after 6 years to find his plantation and home devastated by the ravages of war.

 

Jodie Foster plays his wife, Laurel.  And we find that their life together before had been a war in itself.

 

The Jack Sommersby she remembered was a hard man, abusive and mean.  The Jack who returned from war was a changed man.  Time away, perhaps the war had softened him and he is now a man passionate about restoring his marriage and town.  Everyone, including Laurel, are taken by his transformation... And this is the part of the movie that died-in-the-wool romantics simply love... ok, I was smitten, a hopeless romantic I am...

But then, the sinister music starts to play.  Nothing good ever happens when that music starts... 

Jack is arrested for killing a man somewhere in the past, and the local townsfolk begin to question the identity of this reformed Jack.  Could he be an imposter?  Laurel has fallen deeply in love with this man and staunchly defends his honor, but even she knows deep down that he is not the same man.

The past comes back to haunt, and the web of lies and deceit soon unravel.  Murder charges play out in court.  If this man is Jack Sommersby, he will hang.  If he is indeed an imposter, he faces the shame of his community and the loss of his land and marriage.

Love and Honor collide, forcing the heart to speak truth. 

Laurel begs him to confess and escape death.  Jack holds tightly to the love that has grown and believes that to honor that love is more important than life itself.

He refuses to confess that he is an imposter.  He is ordered to hang for his crime.

And this is where the crying began.  I just couldn't believe they would hang him... Seriously, wasn't some super hero on a white horse going to come in and rescue him at the last minute?  And then, happily ever after??

I kept waiting... the Kleenex pile growing... no white knight... no super hero...

Just a rope.  And a man.

The Judge gave Jack and Laurel one final moment together, and the agony in that conversation simply haunts...

Jack says, "...if I know you'll be there with me, I can do this thing right."

In anguish, Laurel replies, "Please don't ask that.  I can't.  I will not watch you die!"

They lead Jack off to the gallows and Laurel fades away into the crowd.

In panic, as they begin to drape a hood over his head, he calls for her.  The voice is raw.

Through tears that have swamped the last of the Kleenex, we see her turn back. Jack steadies himself with her presence...

And he is hung.

Who makes movies like that???  I was traumatized for days, well, years, really, because I just relived it all again tonight.

And yet, that movie got one thing right, well, maybe two...

There is incredible resilience and strength in the human spirit.

And Jack knew that if  "you'll be there with me, I can do this thing right."

We need each other.  During the joys of life as well as the heartaches.  And to be sure, this cancer journey is filled with more than it's share of heartache.

If you'll be there with me, I can do this thing right...

We have that promise to hold onto every step of this journey, for Grace has pledged

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

         ~ Matthew 28:20 

We can do this thing right.  Our rescue truly arrives in time... Always.

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Never Alone...

More than anything, I need YOU...

Your support, Your encouragement, Your Love.

I can't ever imagine walking this cancer road alone.

This cancer journey is the hardest thing a person can ever go through.  Mom shared often and passionately that she could never do it alone....

We circled her constantly.  Held her up.  Prayed her through.  Hugged her tight.

When someone you love finds themselves on the cancer battlefield, you have a choice.  Back quietly away because it's just too hard...

or

Answer the Rallying Cry and put yourself in harm's way for the sake of the one you love.

Throughout mom's cancer journey, we journaled her experiences, prayers and daily updates at our CaringBridge website.  It was an integral part of the support system that kept us going during the grueling, dark days of the cancer battle.

The uplifting notes from loved ones were an encouragement sweet to our sore hearts.  When mom's strength dwindled, and she could barely lift her head from the pillow, we would find her reading the day's comments, being cheered and inspired by words of love and solidarity that made us weep.

It was grace poured out to us at a time that our emotional tanks were parched and near empty.

When mom lost her battle to pancreatic cancer on December 4, 2011, this community of love held the line while our grief simply overcame.

Our final CaringBridge entry was posted on December 18, 2011...

We were never alone...

Thank you for following our journey on CaringBridge.

It has been an honor to share mom's story this past year.  To all of you, our gratitude knows no bounds.  We have felt the touch of your hands as you held us close in thought, in word, in deed, and in prayer.  A linking together on a journey that none of us wanted to take.  We were never alone.

I am humbled deep by the love you have expressed.  The blessings have been profound, completely beyond measure.  Never doubt the power of your ministry over us.

When mom was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer almost 13 months ago, she shared that her deepest desire was to walk this road with grace and dignity, no matter how difficult the path.

In all ways, she succeeded.

Mom's courage and strength in the face of this brutal battle has been of such inspiration to me. Perhaps that has been her greatest gift, for while teaching us how to live life well, she ultimately showed us how to face the fear of our own mortality.  To embrace both the life we know here, and the life to come, eternal and perfect.

She taught us well.  Her legacy is one of joy and love, intentional and personal, each day lived with no room for regrets.  She danced through the door to eternity with grace unparalleled.

Mom had a poem tucked away in her dresser, creased and worn.  We came upon it the other night, and I find it to be such a fitting way to close our journey together.  I can almost hear her speak these words to our very hearts, voice soft and sure, a promise in her smile:

Ascension

And if I go
while you're still here...
Know that I live on
vibrating to a different measure
behind a thin veil that you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar
together again,
both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me
just whisper my name in your heart,
and I will be there.

No matter where the journey takes you in this life, my prayer is that the road brings you safely Home to fall gently into the arms of Love.

Resting Always in His Grace,  Jane

And because of Grace,
we will never, ever walk this road alone.

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I have Cancer...

 I need to say 'I Have Cancer'
without everyone falling apart around me.

The day mom received her pancreatic cancer diagnosis was the most devastating imaginable...

It took weeks to even begin to wrap our minds around the horrific news, much less come to grips with the formidable foe mom faced.

Only the brave waded into our cancer fray those first weeks...emotions were raw and ugly...we were an unbalanced and frightening mess...

However, as the road unfurled and the music played on, mom found her footing and began the dance with cancer that would become her life.

One of the hardest things she faced was telling her friends and family, and even acquaintances, that she had cancer.  She hated how uncomfortable it made everyone... the downcast eyes...the pats on her shoulder...the unconscious way many treated her differently, with kid gloves, as if she had suddenly changed into this fragile, broken thing overnight...

And let me just say here, that I get it.  It is uncomfortable.  It's hard.  It is the extreme opposite of fun when you find out a loved one or friend has cancer.  What to say... what not to say.  It's all okay.  Mom understood that and loved each and everyone who reached out to her through-out the journey.

She just so often wanted to shout outloud, "I'm still me...we can talk, we can hug, we can laugh, we can cry...I haven't changed who I am, just the focus of my priorities right now."

She wanted to let everyone know that you can still snuggle with grandbabies when you have cancer...

 

And you can have a blast teaching your grandson the art of winning at Canasta...

 

You can enjoy nights out with the girls when you have cancer... 

 

And you can certainly celebrate anniversaries with the love of your life when you have cancer...

 

 

You can head for the beach when you have cancer...

 

 

And you can explore new places with loved ones when you have cancer...

 

And best of all, you can celebrate your favorite season of the year with grandchildren, yes, even when you have cancer...

These were mom's favorite times...when life took a "normal" turn and didn't revolve around the cancer.  She was still the same inside and out and never wanted to be treated any different.

And the truth is, honest, we all still fell apart around her at times.  The pain this cancer evokes is a nightmare.  There is no getting over that.  And mom wasn't living in a fairytale... she accepted the heartache we all felt and cried with us... but that is what life is...

...when the journey got rough, mom was still mom, and faced it more gracefully, more fiercely and more beautifully that we could ever have imagined...

"I Have Cancer, but that's not Who I Am."

 

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The Broken Places

 

Don't despair over the broken places...

for the more broke we are,

the more His Light shines through.

When a family grows in love...

Be still my heart...  our family has grown by 3 beautiful babes...

 ...in an instant the Judge made permanent what has been a journey of love for so very long!

 

From the uncertainty of foster care

to the

forever arms of family...

It is a celebration of the power of faith and love...

and the sacrifice a mother and dad made so that their little ones would have a chance to rise out of the hopelessness and despair that birthed them.

It wasn't an easy road for the biological parents to walk...

drugs dogged their steps and taunted their resolve.

In the end, the climb was too steep,

the addiction too powerful...

And how do you explain that to the vacant-eyed woman who can't remember to feed her babies, let alone change their diapers... whose only thought is her next hit and why are these babies crying, they just keep crying... they lay for hours in filthy car seats while the smoke hangs in the air, dirty dishes and cigarettes lying everywhere...a daddy who disappears for days on end... and how do you raise up a child here?

My heart aches for their loss...

These children are smart and funny and so truly precious...

their smiles will melt a heart

and their belly laughs make you love them more...

their first steps and first teeth

and snuggling up all baby soft after bath...

and this momma gave away all that to run after the drugs she can't give up.

God knows the aches of the heart.

And He can change the story....

For these 3 littles, their story begins anew this week!

"Born not from our flesh,

But born from our heart.

You were longed for and wanted

and loved from the start.
                                 ~ anonymous

Welcome home Babies!

Welcome Home!

Broken Hallelujah

  Such truth in these lyrics...
... after the storms of this past month we are raising our Broken Halleljah...

God is good.

Even when we don't understand His plan...

God is good.

"I can barely stand right now.
Everything is crashing down,
And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.
I don't always know what to say,
But You're the one that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

 When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.
Let me always sing Hallelujah
When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing Hallelujah.
Let me always sing Hallelujah.

I will always sing
I will always sing
Here's my broken hallelujah."

                                        ~ The Afters

His Grace is Amazing...

God's Riches Redeemed in the midst of unthinkable tragedy.  The Willis family is no stranger to such grief..

Might you listen to their beautiful instrumental rendition of Amazing Grace and be lifted up this day...

Amazing Grace, Indeed,
                            My Love,
                                          Jane

Safe in the Jaws of the Beast...

Ok, so you remember that walk we took a week back?

The beautiful spring-day walk in the woods?  Yep, that one...

And our hearts were smiling, and the breeze was light, and it was so very springy and pretty...

And I took lots of pictures, and only shared a few, cuz overload and all that.  Well, there were a few pictures I didn't share, because, well, they weren't very springy and pretty.

But, then everything changes.  And now I have to share.  So beware...not springy and pretty coming up...

 

Yes, it is indeed a skull...

 

 

Just laying out on the path, wicked fangs interrupting the peaceful calm of our spring walk.  Farmer husband informed me that they are tusks from a wild hog... But fangs, tusks, it was all a little unsettling

 

So, of course, we picked up the gruesome skeleton and brought it back home.  You expected that, yes?

 

It's kind of like "show-and-tell" at Memaw and Pepaw's... Because grandkids love gory stuff...

 

And I tried to ignore the gory skull... But then it ended up on the patio table so we could see it better and I refused to eat there, ever and again, amen...

 

Fast forward to today and this adorable little tree frog...

 

 

 

 

All safe and snug in the Jaws of the Beast...

And getting a little sun to boot.

 

 

How can that not make you happy?

Sweet little tree frog, nestled all content

in the last place on earth I would ever want to be...
Perhaps there is good even in the gory?

 

(The patio table is still dead to me...just saying)

 

And because this could be a traumatizing post for the squeamish among us,

I feel obligated to end on a happier note...

 

 

Same walk, same day...

Frilly blooming Iris,

growing wild and free,

a thing of beauty.

 

May your day be so,

the unexpected beautiful right where you are.

 

Love Always,

              Jane

 

Mother's Day and The Stone

There are days that bring my heart such joy... I never thought I'd be able to feel the blessings again after losing mom.  The grief was thick and the smiles were, oh so fragile... Sadness cloaked the path.

Yet, Grace spilled over hurting souls and covered us in Love.  We've walked on in the journey and have found joy... not the same... the missing still aches, but joy, nonetheless in all the good God has given.

And most days it is so.  There is Grace, there is Love, there is Blessing.

But every now and then, the Loss can overwhelm and all but drag us down into the dark.

Mother's Day...

 

The missing is a physical thing.  And I feel it deep.  And the smiles tremble...

And then I read a sweet journal post from a fellow grief-traveler.  She understood the Loss, even though her loss is so different from mine.  Yet, grief, the same...

She spoke so beautifully of The Stone she carries always.  Might you read on and see her tender heart...

"The best way I can describe grieving over a child as the years go by is to say it's similar to carrying a stone in your pocket.

When you walk, the stone brushes your skin.  You feel it.  You always feel it.  But depending on the way you stand or the way your body moves, the smooth edges might barely graze your body.

Sometimes you lean the wrong way, or you turn too quickly and a sharp edge pokes you.  Your eyes water and you rub your wound but you have to keep going because not everybody knows about your stone or if they do, they don't realize it can still bring this much pain.

There are days you are simply happy now, smiling comes easy and you laugh without thinking. You slap your leg during that laughter and you feel your stone and aren't sure whether you should be laughing still.  The stone still hurts.

Once in a while you can't take your hand off that stone.  You run it over your fingers and roll it in your palm and are so preoccupied with its weight, you forget things like your car keys and home address.  You try to leave it alone but you just can't.  You want to take a nap but it's been so many years since you called in "sad" you're not sure anyone would understand anymore or if they ever did.

But most days you can take your hand in and out of your pocket, feel your stone and even smile at its unwavering presence.  You've accepted this stone as your own, crossing your hands over it, saying "mine" as children do.

You rest more peacefully than you once did, you've learned to move forward the best you can.  Some days you want to show the world what a beautiful memory you're holding.  But most days you twirl it through your fingers, smile and look to the sky.  You squeeze your hands together and hope  you are living in a way that honors the missing piece you carry, until your arms are full again."

                                                                                               ~ Jessica

Our losses are all so different... Perhaps your struggle is the loss of faith, or the loss of a dream.

Grief is somehow universal to all of us.

And the loss comes in a multitude of hurts.  

The terminal cancer diagnosis, the straying of a spouse, the pink slip in Friday's last paycheck... Grieving what was, a life, a love, a passion... It is the stone we carry in our pocket.  For some, more ragged, more raw... but always there.

Mother's Day is one of those days that can be so very hard.  For many it is not the cheerful, Hallmark greeting card kind of happy.  It's a sharp, pointed rock digging wounds into our hearts... 

The mom you lost too soon.

Perhaps the mom who's slipping away.

Or the maybe you're the mom who fell so deeply in love with that child, the one you lost, oh, much too soon.

Or the mom who grieves the baby she never had.

The pain of this happy day is so very hard for some.  There are no Hallmark cards for this kind of Mother's Day.

But can I tell you that you are not alone?  We are journeying the same road, different loss, but the same emptiness.  Be gentle with yourself and those who are feeling their way through the pain on days like today.

May we remember, as Jessica does, that there is a day coming when our arms will be full again...

A day when "God Himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  Revelation 21:3,4

A deep longing for that day... how we ache for that time.   We'll celebrate Mother's Day once more, all together.  Smiles joyful and hearts spilling over.  Love come full circle. No grief in that homecoming. And such riches we will hold...

God is good that way.

And until we do, we hold on to the memories {and the stone} always... praying that we honor their lives with each breath we take...

Love you Mom, always and forever...