There are days that bring my heart such joy... I never thought I'd be able to feel the blessings again after
losing mom. The grief was thick and the smiles were, oh so fragile... Sadness cloaked the path.
Yet, Grace spilled over hurting souls and covered us in Love. We've walked on in the journey and have found joy... not the same... the missing still aches, but joy, nonetheless in all the good God has given.
And most days it is so. There is Grace, there is Love, there is Blessing.
But every now and then, the Loss can overwhelm and all but drag us down into the dark.
Mother's Day...
The missing is a physical thing. And I feel it deep. And the smiles tremble...
And then I read a sweet journal post from a fellow grief-traveler. She understood the Loss, even though her loss is so different from mine. Yet, grief, the same...
She spoke so beautifully of
The Stone she carries always. Might you read on and see her tender heart...
"The best way I can describe grieving over a child as the years go by is to say it's similar to carrying a stone in your pocket.
When you walk, the stone brushes your skin. You feel it. You always feel it. But depending on the way you stand or the way your body moves, the smooth edges might barely graze your body.
Sometimes you lean the wrong way, or you turn too quickly and a sharp edge pokes you. Your eyes water and you rub your wound but you have to keep going because not everybody knows about your stone or if they do, they don't realize it can still bring this much pain.
There are days you are simply happy now, smiling comes easy and you laugh without thinking. You slap your leg during that laughter and you feel your stone and aren't sure whether you should be laughing still. The stone still hurts.
Once in a while you can't take your hand off that stone. You run it over your fingers and roll it in your palm and are so preoccupied with its weight, you forget things like your car keys and home address. You try to leave it alone but you just can't. You want to take a nap but it's been so many years since you called in "sad" you're not sure anyone would understand anymore or if they ever did.
But most days you can take your hand in and out of your pocket, feel your stone and even smile at its unwavering presence. You've accepted this stone as your own, crossing your hands over it, saying "mine" as children do.
You rest more peacefully than you once did, you've learned to move forward the best you can. Some days you want to show the world what a beautiful memory you're holding. But most days you twirl it through your fingers, smile and look to the sky. You squeeze your hands together and hope you are living in a way that honors the missing piece you carry, until your arms are full again."
~
Jessica
Our losses are all so different... Perhaps your struggle is the loss of faith, or the loss of a dream.
Grief is somehow universal to all of us.
And the loss comes in a multitude of hurts.
The terminal cancer diagnosis, the straying of a spouse, the pink slip in Friday's last paycheck... Grieving what was, a life, a love, a passion... It is the stone we carry in our pocket. For some, more ragged, more raw... but always there.
Mother's Day is one of those days that can be so very hard. For many it is not the cheerful, Hallmark greeting card kind of happy. It's a sharp, pointed rock digging wounds into our hearts...
The mom you lost too soon.
Perhaps the mom who's slipping away.
Or the maybe you're the mom who fell so deeply in love with that child, the one you lost, oh, much too soon.
Or the mom who grieves the baby she never had.
The pain of this happy day is so very hard for some. There are no Hallmark cards for this kind of Mother's Day.
But can I tell you that you are not alone? We are journeying the same road, different loss, but the same emptiness. Be gentle with yourself and those who are feeling their way through the pain on days like today.
May we remember, as Jessica does, that there is a day coming when our arms will be full again...
A day when "God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:3,4
A deep longing for that day... how we ache for that time. We'll celebrate Mother's Day once more, all together. Smiles joyful and hearts spilling over. Love come full circle. No grief in that homecoming. And such riches we will hold...
God is good that way.
And until we do, we hold on to the memories {and the stone} always... praying that we honor their lives with each breath we take...
Love you Mom, always and forever...
