When Cancer Comes in the Dark

 The story Janie shares touches a chord deep... She is a girl who knows how cancer can take you to a dark place.  Her words capture what it means to be held captive there, scratching your way to the light and beseeching God to come near, choosing Thankfulness for the God who stays no matter how many times we send Him away.

You may know Janie by her stage name, Nightbirde.  We saw her first on America's Got Talent...

 Her song, "It's Ok," traced the journey of a life interrupted by cancer, the most brutal of diagnoses... tumors bruising her body, the painful days transformed by her lilting, etheral voice into a tribute of beauty and joy.

On her website, Janie shares her heart, honest and vulnerable:

"A line from my favorite poem says this: 

“There’ll be days like this, my mama said,

When you open your hands to catch, 

And wind up with only blisters and bruises.

. . .

When your boots fill with rain,

and you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment.

And those are the very days you have all the more reason to say thank you

Because there’s nothing more beautiful 

than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, 

no matter how many times it is sent away.

I haven’t come as far as I’d like, in understanding the things that have happened this year. But here’s one thing I do know: when it comes to pain, God isn’t often in the business of taking it away. Instead, he adds to it. He is more of a giver than a taker. He doesn’t take away my darkness, he adds light. He doesn’t spare me of thirst, he brings water. He doesn’t cure my loneliness, he comes near. So why do we believe that when we are in pain, it must mean God is far? 

In the beginning, there was immense, immeasurable emptiness. But God was drawn to it like a fog to the sea. He stretched out His spirit over the void, and He stayed. If the stories I’ve heard of Him are true, surely He is nearest of all, to me. To us. You see, the Creator is still here, where He has always been, hovering over the emptiness."  ~ Janie

Janie's words are soft and sure, beautiful and filled with promise. And most of all, they are a truth when our souls are hollowed out and hungry for answers...

No matter the hard, no matter the pain, no matter the hurt... He stayed.

God stayed. And that makes all the difference in the world!

Blessed with Hope tonight, My Love Always, Jane

Walking out the Chaos in an Ordinary, Everyday Life

This month past has been hi-jacked by Chaos.

Pure and Simple.

Complete disorder.  Run amok.  Disheartening lows.  Crazy highs.

We moved into our long-dreamed-for Log Cabin  {Finally!}  With boxes piled high and scattered belongings in complete disarray, we can at last say, We are Home!

It's a happy chaos, this putting our life into order one messy box at a time... How we've longed for this day!

And within moments of crossing the threshold of that dream, the call came from nurses that dad was being rushed to the Emergency Room.

Breath coming in gasps, his COPD had flared and became life-threatening within hours.  Hours became days, stranded in the hospital, speaking in hushed whispers, living out of overnight bags and hanging onto each new report... Life in Chaos... striving for calm, but losing the battle as we struggled with the truth of this insidious disease.

I've decided that the clean, quiet, sterile halls of a hospital hide a frightening, scary, dark side.  Ordinary people are facing overwhelming news and difficult prognoses behind most every door we passed.   Throwing lives into turmoil...a miserable kind of chaos to be sure.

The roller-coaster ride of this COPD journey found us heading home with dad after a week of breathing treatments, heavy-duty antibiotics and LOTS of steroids.

The chaos of that week faded back into a grateful "normal" as dad found his smile (and his appetite... thank you prednisone!)  With thankful hearts, we hugged him hard and headed for a brief respite to recoup .. fall camping with friends in the hills of central Texas...

But the very next week found us back in the Emergency room with dad's breathing even worse than before.  Doctor consults, tests and IV's, the concerned murmurs... Chaos returned with a vengance.

COPD is an agonizingly slow descent into sheer panic.  The air hunger, the labored breathing, the subtle, sly loss of everyday activities we take for granted, the terrifying feeling of suffocating in the dark midnight hours... this is a chaos of the hardest kind.  Fighting an implacable disease that does not relent.

No winning. No cure. No Hope.

As dad's breathing worsened, his doctor gently approached us with the difficult news... there was nothing more that could be done to ease the ache in his lungs.

Air left the room.

We have long prepared ourselves for this moment, but there is no preparing...

Dad is transitioning into hospice care and our hearts tremble between an anguished grief for the road ahead and an intense relief that there is a comfort available for which dad is so desperate.

The hours and days to come?  A Hard Chaos that we are determined to walk out well.

We have been in this place before.

Mom walked it out almost 8 years ago, and Dad remembers well the compassion and grace offered by the hands of her hospice team.

Now, he faces the work of this last mile.

And we will be there each step of the way, he does not walk alone.  It is the prayer of our heart, the sacrifice of family from far and wide, that ensures he will be loved much in the days ahead.

That love can turn the chaos into peace... of that I am sure.

Resting in the God who makes order out of chaos and chooses to love us better than we could ever imagine.

That is Peace for tonight.

This is What it Means to be Held

Such haunting lyrics... such Truth...

Two months is too little

They let him go

They had no sudden healing

To think that providence would

Take a child from his mother while she prays

Is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?

We're asking why this happens

To us who have died to live?

It's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow

The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held.

Dear friend, if this is where you are... asking why this is happening... crying unfair... living a nightmare...

My heart is aching with you.  This song.  It speaks to the very truth that the cancer wounded walk each day...

May you know beyond a doubt what it is to be loved.  Even when the rescue fails and the sacred is battered.   Hold tight to the promise that when everything falls we'll be Held.

Grace for the Hurting, Mercy for the Grieving,

My Love,
Always,
      Jane

Taking Deeper Roots

I need you to be my foundation strong when the storm bears down.

The cancer storm can be relentless... The winds of pain and despair can blow us off our foundation surer than the waves that pound the shore.

There's a belief out there that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.  Dolly Parton sang it this way...

"Storms make trees take deeper roots."

I want to believe that.  And I do for the most part.  In most of life's storms we struggle, we cry, and then, somehow, someway, we rise above... We find our backbone, we grow spiritually, mentally, and emotionally from weathering the impossible hardships.

Deeper Roots, Stronger Foundation.

 Rising from the ashes of trauma and grief, we learn things about ourselves we could learn no other way.

So, yes, I believe that the storms of life make us dig deep and grow stronger.

But, then... Cancer.

The terminal pancreatic cancer that hit our family was like no other storm we had ever experienced.

It blew in out of nowhere, no warning flags, no roadmap and certainly no evacuation strategy.

This storm swept mom to her knees... and on her worst days, it threatened to take her under.

Her cry is that of every cancer patient, when the horrific winds of the disease howl and assault.

I need you to ground me, to be my roots when the storm bears down...

And this storm...I'm not sure if it can make a tree take deeper roots.  It can just break us, this storm.

On our recent trip to Alaska, we kayaked upon the most unusual thing I've ever seen.  Right out in the middle of Bailey Bay...there was this cedar tree...

It looked as if it was growing right there in the middle of the Bay... which would be really amazing, and like impossible, since the Bay was carved 800 feet deep by ancient glaciers... and yet, the tree, looked like it was growing straight up out of the water...

We kayaked in closer...

 

 

The cedar was "floating" in an eerily upright position.  We could see the branches spread out graceful under the water below us, the sodden limbs dying in the salt water... and yet, the tree stood tall, bobbing in the waves, refusing to lay down.  Even the birds flocked to her branches...

 

But she was dying from within.

Our guide called this tree a "dead head" and said that it had probably been growing strong and sure at the water's edge for years until the torrential spring rains and mudslides loosened the root's grip and eventually tore her from her foundation.  

Because the root ball was so heavily waterlogged, the tree floated off in it's semi-upright position, leaving us to silently wonder at this majestic sight... adrift on the waves, her roots anchored no longer to solid ground.

And I realized that sometimes storms really don't make us take deeper roots.

Sometimes the storms can tear us away from our very foundation... Pull us from all that is familiar, all that we hold dear.  

Storms can do that.   Especially a cancer storm.

And when our cancer warriors face the full brunt of the tempest, it is then they need us most...

To be their foundation strong when the storm bears down.

When we were in Alaska we saw another cedar tree...

 

Actually, we saw a "family" of cedar trees, growing on the rocks, surrounded by waves that beat relentlessly.

And they struggled through the storms, but found purchase for their roots together... facing the wind, the adversity united.

We can be that anchor for our loved ones... Holding them close in the storm...

Reminding them always of what we know to be true... They are loved... They are never alone...

The Foundation is Sure, it is Strong, it is built on the powerful name of Jesus Christ... 

Even though the storm bears down, we can sing our Broken Hallelujah...

for Grace has paid the price... The Battle has already been won...

The Battle has already been won.

 

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The Cancer Pictures I Hate

When mom and I talked about sharing her story here and on our website, one of the things she was insistent upon was complete honesty and transparency.  She was passionate about wanting to help others and prayed that her journey through this cancer valley would not be wasted…

To honor her wishes is what I will always strive to do, but sometimes it is hard to share the ugly and the pain.  To relive the nightmare.  To see the pictures of her suffering.  It pierces my heart to know she hurt, and that no matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t fix it.

Yesterday’s post, perhaps, was a little too much sunshine and rainbows.  I have more than once been accused of being overly positive and less than realistic… it’s true, I admit…

… and so today, I will share the cancer pictures I hate…it’s not part of  Mom’s Letter from the Battlefield, but it is very much a part of the relentless battle she waged against pancreatic cancer…

The endless weeks spent in the hospital battling chemo side-effects, infections and gallstone implosions...

The struggle to gain back strength from cancer’s debilitating attacks…

 

The moments when the cancer finds you in the midst of holiday joys…

 

The fragile, still most beautiful face to me, as cancer began to win the fight…

 

 

These are the pictures of cancer.  The ugly part of the battle.  The very honest, vulnerable side of the cancer warrior.

May we soon begin to win this war.  No one should ever have to walk this road… nor ever have to write another letter from the battlefield.

Praying hard with each one facing this fight.  Trusting God's sweet Grace to hold you close each moment along the way.

My Love Always,

                      Jane

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When Thanksgiving is Hard

Tonight we're busy preparing for tomorrow's day of family and feasting...

Turkey is thawed, baking pies fill the kitchen with scrumptious aromas, and tables await the abundant plenty that will make us all beg for mercy. 

and yet...

The news blaring from the heartland is full of anger and hurt.  Harsh pictures from a place far away, but so near, intrude on our blissful Thanksgiving gathering.  Two worlds colliding...

There are scenes of Violence and Looting.  Interviews filled with Tears and Loss.  A story of Turmoil and Flames.  Lives changed... Forever.

It feels somehow wrong to celebrate and laugh with our friends and family... as if we too should take sides...

So, how?

How do we give Thanks when the Rage and Bitterness flow unchecked...when hearts are heavy with Strife and Brokenness...

I have no answers for this unfathomable racial divide.  The wounds run deep. The charged tension that is destroying our very social fabric seems to have taken a life of its own.

My heart aches for the ones so injured in all this.  Families that will wake up tomorrow with what?  It could hardly be Thanksgiving... for as sure as the sun will rise, the anger and hurt that simmers leaves no room for gratitude.

And we plead for peace, but find conflict.  We pray for miracles, but lose faith.

Gratitude eludes us... again and again...

And just when my soul despairs...

Hope.  It walks right in.

With darling sweet dimples and flashing black eyes.

 

 

 

A daughter and son-in-love who have taken an extraordinary leap into the fray.  

 

 

This mother's heart sees no color... just chubby hands that need holding, little feet that need guiding, and a small soul that needs loving...

 

 

Thanksgiving.

It is here.

 

 

Tonight we rest in the presence of Grace...

 

 

Choosing to Walk into the Danger Zone

Hurricane Gale destruction... Terrorist standoff... Avalanche and Flood aftermath... shocking School Shootings... horrific Fiery Infernos...

When everyone else is running the other way... the bravest of the brave choose to stand and face the nightmare and walk straight into the Danger Zone.

Firefighters and Danger.  We know a thing or two about these.  Our Number #1 son wears the gear proudly and has shared stories of fearsome fires that sorely tests the faith of this faint-hearted mother...

 

My heart spills with love and deep gratitude for the willing sacrifice that Travis and so many of these brave men and women make to protect us from the most grievous of dangers. 

 

And as our family gathered together this Easter past, a realization bloomed slow and sure as I watched our lovely daughter and her husband walk out the call God has placed on their lives... the Danger Zone is not reserved alone for the spectacularly dramatic explosions in our lives.   As Katie and Jordan sweetly tended to the needs of a child that is not their own... I saw a willing sacrifice to walk straight into the Danger Zone, wrecking the heart, quietly and completely, with a powerful love brave enough to face whatever nightmares might come ...

 

 

 

Katie and Jordan's Fostering Journey has been filled with moments of great hilarity, sincere gratitude and on-your-knees-pleading-for-strength to get through...  They could start their own blog if they had but time!  I have found great delight in watching  the children placed in their care bloom with life and trust and laughter and love... the brothers that arrived last November, burned and hurting, both physically and emotionally, have begun the healing process and were recently placed with a trusted family member...  in their wake a small, but feisty little 9-month old girl took up residence in their homes and hearts, her craving love and attention all but drowning out the missing of those precious boys....

 

... and so it goes in the fostering world, the loving and the leaving... a bittersweet parting that is the sacrifice Katie and Jordan have signed up for... the heartache of falling in love and letting go... to protect these little ones, it is a safe-keeping of the most fragile kind in a very real Danger Zone.

 

Danger Zones.  Be it a very physical wounding or a deeply carved emotional grieving ... I've learned that we are all stronger than we think we are. 

 

When mom was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, she fell head-first into the most dangerous of Danger Zones.  In the beginning she questioned her ability to walk the road laid out before her.   For her, the Danger was both physical and emotional.  There was fear.  There were so many tears.  There was pain.  There was sickness.  Her prayers were for the strength to maneuver the journey with Grace and Dignity.  God answered completely.  Mom learned to her own amazement that she was much, much stronger than she ever thought she was...  And she would tell you that you are too... Don't ever give up on living your life's story... you are so much stronger than you think you are... 

 

I've also been on the other side of the life-lens and felt the searing pain of watching my mom consumed by the nightmare of this terminal cancer.   Perhaps you are there right now... it is a special kind of agony caring for a loved one that cannot be healed... so many times I wanted to do nothing more than run as far from the pain and hopelessness as I could... it simply hurt too much....

 

And yet, I've learned that what applied to mom, applied equally to me... and to Dad... and our friends and family... we are so much stronger than we think we are.  When every instinct in us urged distance from the pain, a wall against the heartache... we were able to stand together, face the foe and run straight into the Danger Zone for mom... we were all so much stronger than we ever thought we were...

 

all because of Love. 

 

It is a sacrificial gift to stand in the gap for those we love... to wade into the muck and mayhem of cancer treatment... to clean up the vomit... wipe the brow... shoulder the despair when the crown of hair falls loose to the pillow... wipe the tears...  prepare the meals to tempt the listless... drive to appointments and wait endless hours in cold, sterile rooms so they won't have to wait alone... apply balm to throbbing mouth sores and lotion to swollen feet... to smile into the fear... to offer grace... to just be there...

 

Choosing to Walk Straight into the Danger Zone.  For Love.

 

This is what the bravest of the brave can do. 

 

"The Lord God is my Strength,

my personal bravery, and my invincible army;

He makes my feet like hinds' feet

and will make me to walk (not to stand still in terror, but to walk)

and make (spiritual) progress upon my high places

(of trouble, suffering or responsibility)!"

                                        ~ Habakkuk 3:18-19 (the Amplified Bible)

 

 

The Nitty-Gritty Life of the Caregiver

So, now we're getting to where the rubber meets the road...

The raw, hard to share, real, honest to goodness truth about Caregiving.  It's not pretty.  But it's honest.  And Real.  Feelings shared by hundreds and hundreds of other giving souls.

It's where God's Riches (Grace) are needed more than ever.  And yet, are so often the last thing we ask for.

Caring for a terminally ill patient is truly a gift...for the patient...for others in the family...and for you, yes, for you.  There is true joy in the servant posture of coming alongside a loved one in need.

But... it can strip our humanity into shreds.  Even the most grounded among us will reach breaking points we never expected.

For the kicker here is that we are most always doing the giving out of sheer love.  It is a choice we made from a passion deep to serve and to help the one we love.

So, when the Ugly shows up...and it's coming from us, we are shocked, overwhelmed and appalled that we could possibly think, act or do the things we're doing...especially when our loved one is facing a potentially terminal disease.

This is where we're going... down to the part of Ugly Unlovliness that sometimes (many times) takes over a Caregiver's Heart...no matter how hard we try to be the giving, attentive caregiver our loved one needs.

The grim reality is that we Caregivers get...

Tired

Feel Guilty

Explode in Anger

Fight Real Fear

Struggle with our Patience

Deal with the Ungrateful

Contend with Conflict

Battle with Burnout

Wear the Burden of Grief

 

I'm sure you could add your own tales of woe to the list. But...Can I tell you right now that it's ok if you're not perfect?!  No one is... we can explore these disfiguring soul-deep blemishes together with no judgement, no condemnation...just an open hand and heart to hear the Father's call...

"Come to me.  Get away with me and you'll recover your life.

I'll show you how to take a real rest.

Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it.

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace."

                   ~Matthew 11:28-30  The Message

There is grace ahead... Be encouraged to stay the course...  

 Please join us as we continue to explore Grace for the Caregiver in our 31 Day Challenge!   Click on the link to follow all our posts.

You are Loved, Always, Jane