Willing Hands...

We're all just walking each other home ...

When we have the power to lift another,
it is a blessed gift.

8 Ways to Help a Loved One with Cancer

A Cancer Diagnosis

When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer, the bottom can and does drop out from under us.  And in our grief and shock we often stumble coming out of the gate... wanting to be there and be supportive of their cancer journey, we so often just mess up royally.  We say the wrong thing, over-compensate and trip over ourselves trying to make it ok, or sometimes just disappear all together... We know.  Been there. Done that.

It's so hard to know what to say, what to do, or how to help.

We found there are a few simple things that meant a lot to mom when she was on her cancer journey and thus was born our Help-A-Girl-Out Checklist ;-)

Ways We Can All Help Out

1. Take a minute

Breath in, absorb the news and lift a prayer... for your loved one, for yourself.  Take this minute before you do anything... a cancer diagnosis is devastating and is a shock for everyone.

2. Educate yourself

Spend another minute or two (or five) and learn about pancreatic cancer.  There is so much misinformation out there.  Knowing the basics can help us be more understanding as we reach out and lend a hand to our loved one.

3. Avoid Comparisons and Stories

Before you head out to help, determine not to share even one story about your best friend's girlfriends' uncle who survived stage 4 cancer by meditating on his head for 10 hours a day... you know what I mean.  Our loved one's cancer is personal and will impact them uniquely. Your gift to them will just to be there, to listen, to support... to love.

4. Ask What They Need and Be Flexible

It can be hard to reach out in the midst of the heaviness of a cancer diagnosis.  So... call, ask if there is anything they need and then offer specifics... could I bring dinner tomorrow night? Would you like me to drive you to your next appointment, sit with you during chemo, pick up groceries?? If lunch dates were your thing before cancer, then suggest a lunch out and offer to pick up and drive... Offering a helping hand might mean just being there with them. Sometimes a shoulder to lean on is just that, nothing specific, just having you there is enough.

5. Be patient

Our loved ones may just need time alone.  Continue to offer, but be sensitive when they need a bit of solitude.  When an offer of help is declined don't take it personally... lift them up in prayer, send a thoughtful card and call back later... don't give up and don't disappear.

6. Be understanding

Cancer treatments can take a lot out of a person.  Be understanding when your loved one needs to cancel plans or unexpectedly needs to leave early from time together.  The cancer journey is grueling and often imposes limitations that add to the agony. Your understanding will be balm to their hurting soul.

7. Choose to Listen

Determine to be a safe place for your loved one to share.  Avoid the urge to offer advice and simply listen without judgement.  It is a gift.  When we can sit with them and listen to their heart we honor the courage it takes for them to open up.

8. Affirm What They're Saying

We all want and need to be heard and have our feelings validated.  Cancer patients even more so.  Our loved ones need to be heard, to know we will not minimize their pain or their struggle.  Determine not to use phrases like "it's going to be ok," or "Don't worry, just calm down," or "Just have faith, you are so strong."  While we may believe these things to be true, they are not helpful to the one who has just been given a cancer diagnosis.

What Every Cancer Patient Wants You to Know

For a more intimate look at what every cancer patient wants you to know, check out our 31 Day Series, A Letter from the Battlefield...

In the series, we share so much of mom's heart and what helped the most.  Truly her friends and family were the silver lining in the cancer storm cloud. 

 

You can be the gift... your loved one needs your presence and will be forever blessed by your sweet offering!

My Love,
Always,
          Jane

The Secret to Overcoming the Struggle

 

Never Alone...

More than anything, I need YOU...

Your support, Your encouragement, Your Love.

I can't ever imagine walking this cancer road alone.

This cancer journey is the hardest thing a person can ever go through.  Mom shared often and passionately that she could never do it alone....

We circled her constantly.  Held her up.  Prayed her through.  Hugged her tight.

When someone you love finds themselves on the cancer battlefield, you have a choice.  Back quietly away because it's just too hard...

or

Answer the Rallying Cry and put yourself in harm's way for the sake of the one you love.

Throughout mom's cancer journey, we journaled her experiences, prayers and daily updates at our CaringBridge website.  It was an integral part of the support system that kept us going during the grueling, dark days of the cancer battle.

The uplifting notes from loved ones were an encouragement sweet to our sore hearts.  When mom's strength dwindled, and she could barely lift her head from the pillow, we would find her reading the day's comments, being cheered and inspired by words of love and solidarity that made us weep.

It was grace poured out to us at a time that our emotional tanks were parched and near empty.

When mom lost her battle to pancreatic cancer on December 4, 2011, this community of love held the line while our grief simply overcame.

Our final CaringBridge entry was posted on December 18, 2011...

We were never alone...

Thank you for following our journey on CaringBridge.

It has been an honor to share mom's story this past year.  To all of you, our gratitude knows no bounds.  We have felt the touch of your hands as you held us close in thought, in word, in deed, and in prayer.  A linking together on a journey that none of us wanted to take.  We were never alone.

I am humbled deep by the love you have expressed.  The blessings have been profound, completely beyond measure.  Never doubt the power of your ministry over us.

When mom was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer almost 13 months ago, she shared that her deepest desire was to walk this road with grace and dignity, no matter how difficult the path.

In all ways, she succeeded.

Mom's courage and strength in the face of this brutal battle has been of such inspiration to me. Perhaps that has been her greatest gift, for while teaching us how to live life well, she ultimately showed us how to face the fear of our own mortality.  To embrace both the life we know here, and the life to come, eternal and perfect.

She taught us well.  Her legacy is one of joy and love, intentional and personal, each day lived with no room for regrets.  She danced through the door to eternity with grace unparalleled.

Mom had a poem tucked away in her dresser, creased and worn.  We came upon it the other night, and I find it to be such a fitting way to close our journey together.  I can almost hear her speak these words to our very hearts, voice soft and sure, a promise in her smile:

Ascension

And if I go
while you're still here...
Know that I live on
vibrating to a different measure
behind a thin veil that you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar
together again,
both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me
just whisper my name in your heart,
and I will be there.

No matter where the journey takes you in this life, my prayer is that the road brings you safely Home to fall gently into the arms of Love.

Resting Always in His Grace,  Jane

And because of Grace,
we will never, ever walk this road alone.

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Party Time

I need you to bring those sweet desserts and savory soups

Ok, the truth is obvious... pancreatic cancer is no party.  But, oh the kindness of friends and family in bringing gifts to tempt her appetite.  These angels with chef aprons brought a smile to mom's heart.

 

 

 

One of the hardest parts of this journey with pancreatic cancer is the constant nausea and loss of appetite.  The cancer and subsequent treatments played havoc with mom's digestive system.  Weight loss became our number one enemy and we fought it with everything we had...

And that's where our friends and family really stepped up.  Dad and I were so busy as caregivers, shuttling mom back and forth to treatments, tests and doctor appointments, as well as making her as comfortable as we could, that meals were a toss-up at best.  When friends offered to bring dinner by, we accepted with all the grace of a drowning man being tossed a life preserver!

Bringing gifts of dinner or lunch for mom made a profound impact on not only her well-being, but ours as well.  It was the sweetest blessing.

And recently I learned of two amazing websites that make coordinating meals for our loved ones a breeze.  If you are in a position to offer help in this area, the free tools found on these sites will make your day... 

Take Them a Meal was created by a small group of friends who suddenly found themselves trying to organize meals for a close friend stricken by a serious heart condition.  They knew meals would be a welcome relief for her husband and four young children, but the task of coordinating these meals was overwhelming.  And when ingenuity met inspiration, Take Them a Meal was created.

This website is an online tool for coordinating the delivery of meals to loved ones. If someone is ill, oftentimes family, friends, co-workers, or church members rally around these families to take them meals. In the past, one person would coordinate (by phone or email) the scheduling of the meals. Now, the meal coordinator can use TakeThemAMeal.com to allow the meal providers to sign up for the day or days when they will provide meals to the meal recipients.

Lotsa Helping Hands takes this concept one step further... It is also an online tool for coordinating meals, but with their Help Calendar you can request help with child care, trips to the doctor, and other needs, as well as give updates and announcements to your online group.  Lotsa Helping Hands has a beautiful tribute page entitled Stories of Hope that will lift your spirits and renew your faith in the kindess of  others.

And both sites are free... it doesn't get much better.  Go on, check them out... you and your loved one will be glad you did!

There is Beauty in the Body when we come alongside and journey together...

 

 "Those of us who are strong and able in the faith need to step in and lend a hand to those who falter, and not just do what is most convenient for us. Strength is for service, not status. Each one of us needs to look after the good of the people around us, asking ourselves, “How can I help?”

                                                                            ~ Romans 15:1 (The Message)

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Taking Deeper Roots

I need you to be my foundation strong when the storm bears down.

The cancer storm can be relentless... The winds of pain and despair can blow us off our foundation surer than the waves that pound the shore.

There's a belief out there that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.  Dolly Parton sang it this way...

"Storms make trees take deeper roots."

I want to believe that.  And I do for the most part.  In most of life's storms we struggle, we cry, and then, somehow, someway, we rise above... We find our backbone, we grow spiritually, mentally, and emotionally from weathering the impossible hardships.

Deeper Roots, Stronger Foundation.

 Rising from the ashes of trauma and grief, we learn things about ourselves we could learn no other way.

So, yes, I believe that the storms of life make us dig deep and grow stronger.

But, then... Cancer.

The terminal pancreatic cancer that hit our family was like no other storm we had ever experienced.

It blew in out of nowhere, no warning flags, no roadmap and certainly no evacuation strategy.

This storm swept mom to her knees... and on her worst days, it threatened to take her under.

Her cry is that of every cancer patient, when the horrific winds of the disease howl and assault.

I need you to ground me, to be my roots when the storm bears down...

And this storm...I'm not sure if it can make a tree take deeper roots.  It can just break us, this storm.

On our recent trip to Alaska, we kayaked upon the most unusual thing I've ever seen.  Right out in the middle of Bailey Bay...there was this cedar tree...

It looked as if it was growing right there in the middle of the Bay... which would be really amazing, and like impossible, since the Bay was carved 800 feet deep by ancient glaciers... and yet, the tree, looked like it was growing straight up out of the water...

We kayaked in closer...

 

 

The cedar was "floating" in an eerily upright position.  We could see the branches spread out graceful under the water below us, the sodden limbs dying in the salt water... and yet, the tree stood tall, bobbing in the waves, refusing to lay down.  Even the birds flocked to her branches...

 

But she was dying from within.

Our guide called this tree a "dead head" and said that it had probably been growing strong and sure at the water's edge for years until the torrential spring rains and mudslides loosened the root's grip and eventually tore her from her foundation.  

Because the root ball was so heavily waterlogged, the tree floated off in it's semi-upright position, leaving us to silently wonder at this majestic sight... adrift on the waves, her roots anchored no longer to solid ground.

And I realized that sometimes storms really don't make us take deeper roots.

Sometimes the storms can tear us away from our very foundation... Pull us from all that is familiar, all that we hold dear.  

Storms can do that.   Especially a cancer storm.

And when our cancer warriors face the full brunt of the tempest, it is then they need us most...

To be their foundation strong when the storm bears down.

When we were in Alaska we saw another cedar tree...

 

Actually, we saw a "family" of cedar trees, growing on the rocks, surrounded by waves that beat relentlessly.

And they struggled through the storms, but found purchase for their roots together... facing the wind, the adversity united.

We can be that anchor for our loved ones... Holding them close in the storm...

Reminding them always of what we know to be true... They are loved... They are never alone...

The Foundation is Sure, it is Strong, it is built on the powerful name of Jesus Christ... 

Even though the storm bears down, we can sing our Broken Hallelujah...

for Grace has paid the price... The Battle has already been won...

The Battle has already been won.

 

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A Little Bit of Jack Nicholson for the Win...

Sometimes a picture just gets caught in your brain.  Like last night. This iconic image just popped into my head...and it wouldn't leave.  So I'm sharing it with you...you're welcome.

 

Might have been the blog post from yesterday...

 

Or it could have been the guacamole burger from Steak-n-Shake.

 

But I do know that mom really got it.  The truth thing, not the guacamole... She just never said it quite like Jack Nicholson.

 

And the truth about cancer is that it's brutal. And ugly, and more difficult than just about anything we'll ever face this side of heaven.  The truth? Truly, most people just really can't handle it. 

 

Mom understood.  And she didn't fault the friends, and family, who couldn't bear to ask her how she was doing... 

 

And that can make a cancer journey the loneliest walk on this planet.

 

No one should have to do this alone. Ever.

 

So, as the scene with Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson replayed in my mind for the umpteenth time, I realized that there could be A Few Good Men (or Women) out there... Yes?

 

The kind of men (and women) that stand up for right, who hold the line for those in battle, and who put their brave on to walk this cancer road alongside us, no matter how hard the truth is.

 

And I know that if you're reading this, you are one of the Few... True?

 

Might I encourage you this night?  If God has placed you on a path with a beloved cancer warrior, then He put you there for a reason... and He will equip you for the task at hand...your purpose is as easy as it is impossible... Love them with all your heart, no matter how brutal, or ugly or difficult the road.

 

Grace will overcome every heartache...it is the Promise.

 

You can so do this.  I know you can handle the Truth.

 

 

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Ask Me, I Dare You!

I need someone to ask me how I'm doing

and really want to know the answer.

 

 

Early on in Mom's pancreatic cancer journey, she became aware of the need to carefully measure her words and how much she could share depending on who she was with...

After a particularly stressful encounter with a friend over her cancer prognosis, she learned that not everyone wanted or needed to know the truth of her day to day journey...

...especially Sandy (name has been changed to protect friends who are hurting too)... Sandy was a dear neighbor who stopped by shortly after mom's first chemo treatment.  Concerned and caring, she visited with mom about the cancer and asked how mom was feeling.

Mom explained a bit about the chemotherapy protocol, how she would have treatments once a week for 3 weeks and then have the 4th week off to recover before starting the rotation all over again.

Sandy innocently asked how long the treatment would last.

Mom bluntly stated she would be on chemo until she died.

The distress on Sandy's face would have been heart-breaking, if our hearts weren't already broken in two by the nightmare we were already living... At a loss for words, Sandy just burst into tears.

This, of course, made Mom feel even more lousy if that were possible.  Still emotionally raw from her cancer diagnosis, she never imagined how Sandy would react, nor that she would have to put on a brave front before certain friends and family...

And that just stinks.  At her most vulnerable, she was still having to think of others.

It was a hardship we knew she detested, but sheltering others from pain seemed to be a by-product of her "mom" gene. It's what she had always done.

And it seems that this is the way of our society...big sigh... It's just not polite to discuss things like cancer, illness, death or grief with casual acquaintances.

The ubiquitous "How are you?" is more rhetoric than sincere.

The proper response always, "Fine.  And how are you?"

Would it be possible to move beyond such politeness and dig in deep with those suffering?

Could we look at them with the eyes of grace and hold steady while they unburden their pain?

Surely it is the call for each one of us who walks this road alongside the cancer warrior.

And so we have added this admonition to Mom's Letter from the Battlefield...

Ask if you dare,
but be ready for honest, for gritty, for heart-breaking, for messy...
then know that you have offered a deepest grace by helping carry the pain for the briefest of moments.  In this you are offering the sweetest gift of love...

"Carry one another's burdens and in this way you will fulfill the requirements of the law of Christ, that is, the law of Christian love."

                    ~ Galatians 6:2, Amplified Bible

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