Never Alone...

More than anything, I need YOU...

Your support, Your encouragement, Your Love.

I can't ever imagine walking this cancer road alone.

This cancer journey is the hardest thing a person can ever go through.  Mom shared often and passionately that she could never do it alone....

We circled her constantly.  Held her up.  Prayed her through.  Hugged her tight.

When someone you love finds themselves on the cancer battlefield, you have a choice.  Back quietly away because it's just too hard...

or

Answer the Rallying Cry and put yourself in harm's way for the sake of the one you love.

Throughout mom's cancer journey, we journaled her experiences, prayers and daily updates at our CaringBridge website.  It was an integral part of the support system that kept us going during the grueling, dark days of the cancer battle.

The uplifting notes from loved ones were an encouragement sweet to our sore hearts.  When mom's strength dwindled, and she could barely lift her head from the pillow, we would find her reading the day's comments, being cheered and inspired by words of love and solidarity that made us weep.

It was grace poured out to us at a time that our emotional tanks were parched and near empty.

When mom lost her battle to pancreatic cancer on December 4, 2011, this community of love held the line while our grief simply overcame.

Our final CaringBridge entry was posted on December 18, 2011...

We were never alone...

Thank you for following our journey on CaringBridge.

It has been an honor to share mom's story this past year.  To all of you, our gratitude knows no bounds.  We have felt the touch of your hands as you held us close in thought, in word, in deed, and in prayer.  A linking together on a journey that none of us wanted to take.  We were never alone.

I am humbled deep by the love you have expressed.  The blessings have been profound, completely beyond measure.  Never doubt the power of your ministry over us.

When mom was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer almost 13 months ago, she shared that her deepest desire was to walk this road with grace and dignity, no matter how difficult the path.

In all ways, she succeeded.

Mom's courage and strength in the face of this brutal battle has been of such inspiration to me. Perhaps that has been her greatest gift, for while teaching us how to live life well, she ultimately showed us how to face the fear of our own mortality.  To embrace both the life we know here, and the life to come, eternal and perfect.

She taught us well.  Her legacy is one of joy and love, intentional and personal, each day lived with no room for regrets.  She danced through the door to eternity with grace unparalleled.

Mom had a poem tucked away in her dresser, creased and worn.  We came upon it the other night, and I find it to be such a fitting way to close our journey together.  I can almost hear her speak these words to our very hearts, voice soft and sure, a promise in her smile:

Ascension

And if I go
while you're still here...
Know that I live on
vibrating to a different measure
behind a thin veil that you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar
together again,
both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me
just whisper my name in your heart,
and I will be there.

No matter where the journey takes you in this life, my prayer is that the road brings you safely Home to fall gently into the arms of Love.

Resting Always in His Grace,  Jane

And because of Grace,
we will never, ever walk this road alone.

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Too Sick to Snack

I need you to bring those sweet desserts and savory soups,

along with your understanding when I can only sample a bite.

 

One of the cruelest weapons in cancer's arsenal would have to be the relentless wasting away that attacks even the most determined of cancer warriors.

 

The proper medical term is cachexia... and it accounts for almost a third of cancer deaths and affects more than half of all cancer patients.

 

Sometimes the cause of this profound weight loss and muscle wasting can be directly attributed to the brutal treatments, chemo and radiation.  But, more often than not, researchers are finding that the cancerous tumors themselves secrete a chemical that promotes the wasting syndrome, drastically impairing the quality of life, the success of treatments, and ultimately, survival chances.

 

Either way, we are left with a very ill, weakened and frail loved one. 

 

No matter how much mom ate or tried to eat, her weight slipped away from her one painful pound at a time... it was insidious and relentless.... and it made her so mad.

 

For anyone who has objected to the "Battle" terminology we've used these past 31 days, might I just say that I understand your concern.  I would love to say we walked this cancer journey upbeat and positive, letting peace be our guide...

 

But the truth is, we fought it tooth and nail.  This cancer road took mom straight into the battlefield where she used every bit of ammunition at her disposal.  In our world, it was war.

 

And because of love we battled hard.  

 

With each inch that cancer took, we skirmished for hope...and added pounds...

 

Perhaps a new recipe, or maybe her favorite Pot Roast and gravy... a Smoothie for scrumptious calories or comfort-food standbys...

 

 

 

Friends and family rallied constantly, cooking and baking their hearts out for mom... and that brings me to today's Battlefield truth...

 

She was humbled anew with each and every delicious morsel you brought her, and it pained her so when she could only eat a bite or two, please know she longed for you to understand it was the wretched cancer that rendered her incapable of eating more.

 

Your steadfast gift of love that carried the food to her door more than strengthened her for each day of this harrowing journey... Never doubt the blessing you were to her!

 

"Let us not become weary in doing good,

for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

                       ~ Galatians 6:9

 

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With Every Act of Love

Jason Gray's song "With Every Act of Love" speaks to my heart every time I hear it... Join me for a moment of happy joy as we lift each other up today?

Sitting at the stoplight

He can't be bothered by the heart cry

Written on the cardboard in her hands

Oh, but when she looks him in the eye

His heart is broken, open wide

And he feels the hand of God reach out through him

As heaven touches earth

Oh, we bring the kingdom come

Oh, with every act of love

Jesus, help us carry You

Alive in us, Your light shines through

With every act of love

We bring the kingdom come

There's silence at the table

He wants to talk but he's not able

For all the shame that's locked him deep inside

Oh, but her words are the medicine

When she says they can begin again

And forgiveness will set him free tonight

As heaven touches earth

Oh, we bring the kingdom come

Oh, with every act of love

Jesus, help us carry You

Alive in us, Your light shines through

With every act of love

We bring the kingdom come

God put a million, million doors in the world

For His love to walk through

One of those doors is you

I said, God put a million, million doors in the world

For His love to walk through

One of those doors is you

Oh, we bring the kingdom come

Oh, with every act of love

Jesus, help us carry You

Alive in us, Your light shines through

With every act of love

We bring the kingdom

Oh, we bring the kingdom come

Oh, with every act of love

Jesus, help us carry You

Alive in us, Your light shines through

With every act of love

We bring the kingdom come

With every act of love

We bring the kingdom come

With every act of love

We bring the kingdom come

 May we be the door for heaven to walk through this very day... Grace bring the kingdom come to everyone we meet...

Always, Jane

Pit Stop Sunday...The Power of Togetherness

It is a fact that with the right formation, the lifting power of many wings

can achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

-Author Unknown

"Two are better than one,
in that their cooperative efforts yield this advantage:
  if one of them falls, the other will help his partner up,
woe to him who is alone when he falls
and has no one to help him up."
                                 ~ Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 


May you be surrounded always by hands that hold you close,
prayers that lift you high, and a love that never gives up...

Praying your Journey today be blessed with the "lifting power of many wings."

A Cow in the Road

When mom and I started this website and blog a year ago, we didn't have any idea what it would become.  It was more or less a sharing in the dark, kind of the blind leading the blind.  As we traveled this unpredictable road, we bumped into scary things in the night, stubbed our toes (and our hearts), cried together and then picked each other up and kept going...

Until she couldn't keep going any longer.  That has been the biggest, scariest bump of them all.

I'll be honest.  There have been moments, dark moments when the grief swamped, and I didn't think any of us could keep going without her.  That squeezing hard, can't get air, heart cracked right in half, crushing pain.  From the suspended seconds when we waited for her last breath right into the harsh reality of her leaving our grasp, someone has always been there to hold us.  To put their strong arms around us while sobs wracked our very souls.

I thought I understood the value of community, of fellowship... God placed us in communion one with another from the very beginning.  So wise, so very, very like a Faithful God.  For it has been the people, the loved ones, the strangers, the friends, you, that have picked us up, held me up, and kept us going.

That brings me back to the road we're now on.  This journey.  Once, ages ago, I thought the journey would be finished when mom was healed.

I didn't see the Big Picture.  God's Healing Homecoming was the Happy Ending mom received.  That was our miracle.  For mom, that was The Finish Line.  For me, for dad, for the family and friends...  the journey continues. Without mom.

But never without the community of blessings God has surrounded us with.  That community is you.  That fellowship is sweet and abiding. Nourishment to hungry hearts.  As I think on my journey right now, right here, I can't help but wonder about the website, the blog ... This community of friends, cancer sojourners, cheerleaders, hope-givers and fellow travelers.  It has been on my mind much these last few days.  Where do I go from here?

And then, this morning, I rounded the curve in our road and saw the cow...

I stopped and we politely stared at each other for a minute.  Then his gaze drifted longingly back to the pasture.  The question is begging, how did he get on this side of the fence?

Beats me, but there we were.  Me, in my little red car, on the road, where I belonged, and Mr. Angus, on the hoof, wishing he wasn't on the road getting his picture taken by the lady in the red car.  He gave me that look (same one I get from the kids when the camera comes out...)

Anyway, after much consideration, and me inching closer with that red car, he finally turned and started to plod up the road, where, much to my relief, we met Mr. Farmer, in his appropriately dented white pick-up truck.

My job as cow wrangler was done, but the picture of him staring back into the pasture has just stuck with me all day.  I couldn't help see the comparisons with my own life.  It's kind of what I've been doing for the past month, actually the past year.  Looking back with longing to how it was before....

Before we lost mom...

Before she got so sick....

Before we ever heard the word Pancreatic Cancer!!!

I feel like a tired, out-of-control, spoiled 3 year old when I say this, but

I just want it to be like it was BEFORE!!!!!

And it won't ever be.     I know that.  

It took a cow in the road to smack some sense into me!  Duhhhh!

The road I am on now, is the rest of the journey.   Just because we lost mom to pancreatic cancer, doesn't mean it's over.  Far, Far from it!  It won't be over for me until I can post on this blog, on this website, to the whole wide world that

A Cure Has Been Found For Pancreatic Cancer. 

I think that may be the Finish Line for me.  So many of you have walked the fire with us, to you I owe such a debt of gratitude, there are no words.  I can do no less than pursue the Miracle with you.

There is a cheerleading squad ringing in heavenly realms tonight for each of you.   

" Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat... Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever (pancreatic cancer fits here). And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God."   ~Hebrews 12:1-2, the Message

Mom will be chief among the cheerleaders.  She is that veteran who knows what pancreatic cancer can do to a body.   And we are the loved ones who ran the race with her, we know what pancreatic cancer can do to a soul.

This journey has changed us.  Is still changing us. 

I am only beginning to realize the significance of meeting that old cow today.  For I too have turned back to the road, plodding slowly forward (fairly accurate description, but moving forward, nonetheless), and I finally have my eyes fixed towards Home.

And just up ahead I think I see my Farmer-Father coming to the rescue...