A Cow in the Road

When mom and I started this website and blog a year ago, we didn't have any idea what it would become.  It was more or less a sharing in the dark, kind of the blind leading the blind.  As we traveled this unpredictable road, we bumped into scary things in the night, stubbed our toes (and our hearts), cried together and then picked each other up and kept going...

Until she couldn't keep going any longer.  That has been the biggest, scariest bump of them all.

I'll be honest.  There have been moments, dark moments when the grief swamped, and I didn't think any of us could keep going without her.  That squeezing hard, can't get air, heart cracked right in half, crushing pain.  From the suspended seconds when we waited for her last breath right into the harsh reality of her leaving our grasp, someone has always been there to hold us.  To put their strong arms around us while sobs wracked our very souls.

I thought I understood the value of community, of fellowship... God placed us in communion one with another from the very beginning.  So wise, so very, very like a Faithful God.  For it has been the people, the loved ones, the strangers, the friends, you, that have picked us up, held me up, and kept us going.

That brings me back to the road we're now on.  This journey.  Once, ages ago, I thought the journey would be finished when mom was healed.

I didn't see the Big Picture.  God's Healing Homecoming was the Happy Ending mom received.  That was our miracle.  For mom, that was The Finish Line.  For me, for dad, for the family and friends...  the journey continues. Without mom.

But never without the community of blessings God has surrounded us with.  That community is you.  That fellowship is sweet and abiding. Nourishment to hungry hearts.  As I think on my journey right now, right here, I can't help but wonder about the website, the blog ... This community of friends, cancer sojourners, cheerleaders, hope-givers and fellow travelers.  It has been on my mind much these last few days.  Where do I go from here?

And then, this morning, I rounded the curve in our road and saw the cow...

I stopped and we politely stared at each other for a minute.  Then his gaze drifted longingly back to the pasture.  The question is begging, how did he get on this side of the fence?

Beats me, but there we were.  Me, in my little red car, on the road, where I belonged, and Mr. Angus, on the hoof, wishing he wasn't on the road getting his picture taken by the lady in the red car.  He gave me that look (same one I get from the kids when the camera comes out...)

Anyway, after much consideration, and me inching closer with that red car, he finally turned and started to plod up the road, where, much to my relief, we met Mr. Farmer, in his appropriately dented white pick-up truck.

My job as cow wrangler was done, but the picture of him staring back into the pasture has just stuck with me all day.  I couldn't help see the comparisons with my own life.  It's kind of what I've been doing for the past month, actually the past year.  Looking back with longing to how it was before....

Before we lost mom...

Before she got so sick....

Before we ever heard the word Pancreatic Cancer!!!

I feel like a tired, out-of-control, spoiled 3 year old when I say this, but

I just want it to be like it was BEFORE!!!!!

And it won't ever be.     I know that.  

It took a cow in the road to smack some sense into me!  Duhhhh!

The road I am on now, is the rest of the journey.   Just because we lost mom to pancreatic cancer, doesn't mean it's over.  Far, Far from it!  It won't be over for me until I can post on this blog, on this website, to the whole wide world that

A Cure Has Been Found For Pancreatic Cancer. 

I think that may be the Finish Line for me.  So many of you have walked the fire with us, to you I owe such a debt of gratitude, there are no words.  I can do no less than pursue the Miracle with you.

There is a cheerleading squad ringing in heavenly realms tonight for each of you.   

" Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat... Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever (pancreatic cancer fits here). And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God."   ~Hebrews 12:1-2, the Message

Mom will be chief among the cheerleaders.  She is that veteran who knows what pancreatic cancer can do to a body.   And we are the loved ones who ran the race with her, we know what pancreatic cancer can do to a soul.

This journey has changed us.  Is still changing us. 

I am only beginning to realize the significance of meeting that old cow today.  For I too have turned back to the road, plodding slowly forward (fairly accurate description, but moving forward, nonetheless), and I finally have my eyes fixed towards Home.

And just up ahead I think I see my Farmer-Father coming to the rescue...