What Every Cancer Warrior Needs

A Letter from the Battlefield:

what every cancer warrior needs

I need to say 'I Have Cancer'

without everyone falling apart around me.

I need your tender reminders for appointments and meds and meals,

my mind has been somewhere else lately.

I need to laugh...
and I need to cry.
And your sweet permission to do both.

I need you to make cancer stop,
and I will love you crazy for trying so hard.

I need your touch,
and I need my space... Give it with Love.

I need someone to ask how I'm doing,
and really want to know the answer.

I need you to be my foundation strong
when the storm bears down.

 I need your forgiveness when the outbursts and anger overwhelm,
my emotions have been in a rage ever since cancer came calling.

I need you to bring those sweet desserts and savory soups,
along with your understanding when I can only sample a bite
and your compassion when my strength fades in the midst of your visit.

More than anything, I need YOU...
Your support, Your encouragement, Your Love.

I can't ever imagine walking this cancer road alone. 

It has been pure joy to share mom's heart for this 31 day series.  

While this cancer journey can be filled with fear and pain and despair, it can just as easily be  walked out with love and grace and strength of spirit.  Mom lived her convictions right out loud, even in the midst of crippling fear and pain.

This life is what we make of it.  And yes, we found, through mom's example, that you can live life well, no matter the valleys.  It's a beautiful dance when we get it right... but it's still a dance through the minefields.

I would love to close with an unconventional song, that just fits somehow.  It's called Dancing in the Minefield, by Andrew Peterson.  The song is a tribute to his marriage and a nod to the Battlefield that it can become... So much like this cancer journey.

Listen with your heart.  We are all Dancing through this Minefield, together...

"And we're dancing in the minefields,

We're sailing in the storm

This is harder than we dreamed,

But I believe that's what the promise is for.

'Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man

So there's nothing left to fear.

So I'll walk with you in the shadowlands,

Til the shadows disappear.

'Cause he promised not to leave us

And his promises are true.

So in the face of all this chaos, baby,

I can dance with you."

We didn't know that Cancer had saved the last dance for mom... but we danced it together, right through the minefields, into the shadowlands with her.  The beat still echoes powerful in our hearts.

May you find strength and courage deep when this dance pulls you out onto that Battlefield.  It is our prayer, always, that God will lead with Hope, and give you the Grace you need for each step of the way.

Always, My Love,
                       Jane

Previous

Never Alone...

More than anything, I need YOU...

Your support, Your encouragement, Your Love.

I can't ever imagine walking this cancer road alone.

This cancer journey is the hardest thing a person can ever go through.  Mom shared often and passionately that she could never do it alone....

We circled her constantly.  Held her up.  Prayed her through.  Hugged her tight.

When someone you love finds themselves on the cancer battlefield, you have a choice.  Back quietly away because it's just too hard...

or

Answer the Rallying Cry and put yourself in harm's way for the sake of the one you love.

Throughout mom's cancer journey, we journaled her experiences, prayers and daily updates at our CaringBridge website.  It was an integral part of the support system that kept us going during the grueling, dark days of the cancer battle.

The uplifting notes from loved ones were an encouragement sweet to our sore hearts.  When mom's strength dwindled, and she could barely lift her head from the pillow, we would find her reading the day's comments, being cheered and inspired by words of love and solidarity that made us weep.

It was grace poured out to us at a time that our emotional tanks were parched and near empty.

When mom lost her battle to pancreatic cancer on December 4, 2011, this community of love held the line while our grief simply overcame.

Our final CaringBridge entry was posted on December 18, 2011...

We were never alone...

Thank you for following our journey on CaringBridge.

It has been an honor to share mom's story this past year.  To all of you, our gratitude knows no bounds.  We have felt the touch of your hands as you held us close in thought, in word, in deed, and in prayer.  A linking together on a journey that none of us wanted to take.  We were never alone.

I am humbled deep by the love you have expressed.  The blessings have been profound, completely beyond measure.  Never doubt the power of your ministry over us.

When mom was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer almost 13 months ago, she shared that her deepest desire was to walk this road with grace and dignity, no matter how difficult the path.

In all ways, she succeeded.

Mom's courage and strength in the face of this brutal battle has been of such inspiration to me. Perhaps that has been her greatest gift, for while teaching us how to live life well, she ultimately showed us how to face the fear of our own mortality.  To embrace both the life we know here, and the life to come, eternal and perfect.

She taught us well.  Her legacy is one of joy and love, intentional and personal, each day lived with no room for regrets.  She danced through the door to eternity with grace unparalleled.

Mom had a poem tucked away in her dresser, creased and worn.  We came upon it the other night, and I find it to be such a fitting way to close our journey together.  I can almost hear her speak these words to our very hearts, voice soft and sure, a promise in her smile:

Ascension

And if I go
while you're still here...
Know that I live on
vibrating to a different measure
behind a thin veil that you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar
together again,
both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me
just whisper my name in your heart,
and I will be there.

No matter where the journey takes you in this life, my prayer is that the road brings you safely Home to fall gently into the arms of Love.

Resting Always in His Grace,  Jane

And because of Grace,
we will never, ever walk this road alone.

Previous                                                                                                     Next

Too Sick to Snack

I need you to bring those sweet desserts and savory soups,

along with your understanding when I can only sample a bite.

 

One of the cruelest weapons in cancer's arsenal would have to be the relentless wasting away that attacks even the most determined of cancer warriors.

 

The proper medical term is cachexia... and it accounts for almost a third of cancer deaths and affects more than half of all cancer patients.

 

Sometimes the cause of this profound weight loss and muscle wasting can be directly attributed to the brutal treatments, chemo and radiation.  But, more often than not, researchers are finding that the cancerous tumors themselves secrete a chemical that promotes the wasting syndrome, drastically impairing the quality of life, the success of treatments, and ultimately, survival chances.

 

Either way, we are left with a very ill, weakened and frail loved one. 

 

No matter how much mom ate or tried to eat, her weight slipped away from her one painful pound at a time... it was insidious and relentless.... and it made her so mad.

 

For anyone who has objected to the "Battle" terminology we've used these past 31 days, might I just say that I understand your concern.  I would love to say we walked this cancer journey upbeat and positive, letting peace be our guide...

 

But the truth is, we fought it tooth and nail.  This cancer road took mom straight into the battlefield where she used every bit of ammunition at her disposal.  In our world, it was war.

 

And because of love we battled hard.  

 

With each inch that cancer took, we skirmished for hope...and added pounds...

 

Perhaps a new recipe, or maybe her favorite Pot Roast and gravy... a Smoothie for scrumptious calories or comfort-food standbys...

 

 

 

Friends and family rallied constantly, cooking and baking their hearts out for mom... and that brings me to today's Battlefield truth...

 

She was humbled anew with each and every delicious morsel you brought her, and it pained her so when she could only eat a bite or two, please know she longed for you to understand it was the wretched cancer that rendered her incapable of eating more.

 

Your steadfast gift of love that carried the food to her door more than strengthened her for each day of this harrowing journey... Never doubt the blessing you were to her!

 

"Let us not become weary in doing good,

for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

                       ~ Galatians 6:9

 

Previous                                                                                           Next