Rise Up...

Beautiful words from a heart that knows sorrow...

Allison speaks hope into the grieving, when our worlds turn upended... is this how we saw our life playing out?  The hard, the hurt...the unwanted lines of our story?  

Read on and be encouraged.  God is with you, even as the battle rages...

"What if this really hard thing you're walking through is actually what’s needed? What if the waiting room you’re sitting in is where you need to be? What if that one crumbling, difficult relationship is actually the one you're supposed to pay attention to?

Without that thing, that room, that person, your life cannot become what God intends it to be.

Because you are more than your diagnosis. More than your grief. More than your inconveniences, your heart break, and your fears.

You are embodied Light, Goodness, and Mercy. And there is no place, no person, no thing where that Trinity is not needed. No place He will not go for you, for them.

Without the diagnosis, I would be no writer. Without a long form, living grief? I would have no dependence on Jesus. Without battle after battle, I would not bear light in broken places.

In the unwanted lines of this story, He is writing greater things. And not just for my good. But a greater story for His glory, in all places, for all people.

He is rewriting others’ stories because of you. Rise up. Gather heart and courage. Know that even as the battle rages, He is with you. And Jesus with you is greater than anything else we could acquire. Greater than any fabricated story book ending. He is greater and He is with you. Rise up."

~ Allison Byxbe

So Rise up.  Gather heart and courage.  Your story is still being written and God has the pen.  I have a feeling there is a beautiful ending in store!

My Love, Always,
                         Jane

When the News is Devastating...

This has been a hard couple of weeks.

The news of wars abroad and wars at home.  The taking of innocent lives, the murder of children, right here in America.

Worry can consume our days.  Cancer compounds the fear.  It's a slippery slope... we can so easily get sucked into a vicious cycle of heartache and hurt.

And in the midst of it all, a time for Remembrance.

Memorial Day.  A Day to Honor, to Remember. To give thanks that another would lay down their life for ours.

There is still hurt.  And heartache.  And even worry.  We feel things deeply... the love and the pain.

To give space for the honoring, we're making a choice.... to be mindful of our Time, to hold some boundaries for Hope. And to choose Kindness in a world gone mad.

Turn off the news.  Put down your phone.  Lift up your head.  Get your house in order.

And pray.  Oh, loved ones, we have to pray.  Only God can heal our brokenness.

Only Jesus can mend our torn and weary hearts.

Deep Waters

 

Doing Hard Things...

We will all be called to do hard things in this life.

A financial hardship.  A prodigal child.  An abusive relationship. 

A Cancer Diagnosis...

And how do we keep living though the hard without losing our hope?  When grief and pain and struggle marks our way...

Ann Voskamp speaks with a bit of truth:

"... the details of our hard may be different, but all our need for courage is the same."

Truth.

We all need courage to face our hard things.

Ann continues, "You have to keep hanging on, when you don't know how to go on."

When pancreatic cancer began taking mom from us, one painful, hard fought battle at a time, we were faced with a choice, Give up or Go on.

Mom's courage on the journey lit the way for our own.  It was one step at a time.  She knew how to do hard things and we learned that you can win the battle when you simply stay the course.  One step at a time.

There is a truth in the holy words:

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path."
           ~ Psalm 119:105

When we carry a lamp out onto our path, the circle of light shines just far enough to illuminate our next step.  We trust that step and bring the lamp forward with us to bring focus to the next step... and the next... and the next.

It is a light unto my path.

It is the courage for the next step.

It is Hope in the midst of Hard Things.

There is a young girl who shares a story that kind of puts this all in perspective.  Her name is Hannah.  And her words speak it best:

"Proud doesn't even begin to cover it!

I don't talk about my mom's visual disability a lot, mostly because she makes it seem so easy that I forget about it.  I forget to be amazed at all the times she chooses joy despite monumental daily challenges with chronic vision loss.

It's been over three years since my mom first told me she was going to open a coffee shop employing people with disabilities, and today there was a line out the door of her shop for 4 straight hours.

Esteamed Coffee is an outflow of her heart and her own personal struggles of finding jobs as someone with a disability.  It's a way to decrease stigmas, positively influence her community, provide jobs, and create a space for all people to gather.  It's the culmination of her passions and pain.

Often times I wonder why the Lord allows certain hard things to pass through His hands, and I've wondered that about my mom's vision impairment too.  Today felt like a glimpse behind the curtain of all the good that's come from her experiences and how she's positively impacting the lives of tons of people in her community right now.

If you're ever in Cary, make sure you drop by Esteamed Coffee & pick up a great cup of coffee with a great purpose."

We can all do hard things.  One step at a time. 

When our passions and our pain collide, God's faithfulness will always light our way... May we find the courage to take that next step in the midst of the hard.

My Love,
Always,
           Jane

Making Wishes Come True...

He loves cruising.

He's been on more cruises than we can count!

And... he had one wish for his Birthday this year.   Can you guess where we've been??

A Big, Fun, Crazy-Happy Family Cruise.  And it has been a monumental task.  Getting Dad to Miami and on that Cruise ship.  It took a combined Family effort to make it happen... but happen it did!  And the smiles were the sweetest reward.

So, if you're wondering how one actually makes wishes come true?  Here's the scoop... It's a whole lot of sacrifice and a whole lot of work!!

The logistics of traveling with an elderly parent, who is dealing with end-stage COPD is one part daring and two parts just plain grit.

It helps that everyone in our family loves to travel.

Tropical ports of call?  Yes, please!

But as the reality of traveling with dad sunk in we all took a deep breath and asked the same question all of you are probably asking... were we crazy?

Insane does factor somewhere in there.

And it crossed my mind with increasing frequency as the trip got closer and the packing began...

The list was long and multiplied the stress and anxiety!  Nebulizers and inhalers, perscriptions and oxygen, extra batteries and his Bipap machine, wheelchairs and passports... plus clothes and shoes and... I was exhausted before we even left Dallas...lol!

Dad's doctors happily signed off on the trip and sent extra meds and had us fill a script for antibiotics (just in case they said...)

And then we arrived at the airport and hit the TSA line... this would be where the staying power of old-fashioned grit factored in!  It was ugly... enough said.

Once we finally got on that plane and buckled up, the smiles kicked in!

And they never stopped!

Making wishes come true simply blesses the giver and receiver alike!

The week melted into a gracious time of laughter and relaxing

and making memories...
worth every minute of the sweat, worry and grit that got us here!

 We cooked with the Chef at Emilio's Plantation on St. Maarten...

And toured the top of the Island...

Explored historic San Juan...

And braved the water slides!

Dad met the officers on the ship and pretty much loved every minute...

Including the Best Birthday Celebration!

His wish come true...

Simply the best!

Brought to you by good, old-fashioned determination and grit!

Sometimes we need to be Brave and Fierce in order to

Become the Gift!

Be Kind to Someone Today!
It makes all the difference in the world!

Blessings, Always,

                          Jane

Just Breathe...

Life gets hectic.

There can be so many demands on our time that we lose sight of the things we value most.

It's been happening to me more often lately... hard to reel in the time it seems...

And those demands?  Most are so good.  Family, Friends... A shoulder, a meal, a ride here, an evening out ,,,

But then some of those demands??  Some can squash the life right out of us...

Work loads, long hours, Snappy coworkers,

Clogged sinks, Colicky babies, Sick dogs.

Grocery shopping, Supper making, laundry sorting kinds of demands.

And those demands pale in comparison to the dictates of cancer... Cancer can make time disappear with an endless list.

Doctor appointments, medication pick-ups, chemo lab treatments, blood and x-ray work-ups, forcing the meals down, vomiting them up, ER visits, surgery schedules, bill paying, insurance arguing kinds of demands... and all the time we are waiting, and praying, and crying... watching the time slip away, helpless and angry and afraid.

This song.  It stopped me in my tracks today.  I needed to listen and be reminded.

Might you listen too, and be encouraged??   Just Breathe...

When our weary souls can take no more... He calls us to come and rest, in His presence the chaos stills...

and our hearts slow to the beat of Grace...

May you find Beauty in the stillness this night.  Praying His Love over the fear and pleading for Strength to rest in that Love no matter how the storm rolls on...

Always,
        Jane
 

It's Ok to "Lean Out" this Christmas...

Every now and then a word can bring peace to a troubled soul...

And if you are feeling the weight of this special season {and not the magic}, then perhaps Laura's story from over at The Grief Toolbox will resonate just a bit:

When It's Not 'The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.' 

"Ten years ago, while grieving the sudden loss of my father, I decided to actively avoid the build-up leading to Christmas. Thanksgiving had nearly done me in, and I couldn’t handle an entire month of cheer accompanying another grief milestone.

My plan? Avoid the mall. Or any store that might play Christmas music. Only buy presents for my immediately family. No wrapping — just gift bags. Don’t open any mail that looked like a Christmas card. Don’t decorate. Definitely don’t watch any Christmas movies. And for the love, avoid any and all versions of “The Christmas Shoes” at all costs.

My plan worked for about a day. But then my coworkers started listening to Christmas music at their desks. I started receiving e-mails about holiday parties. The stores below my loft were decked out with tinsel and lights. Everyone else was leaning way in to the magic of the season, and I could hardly breathe. What was once my favorite time of year slowly but surely threatened to destroy me.

My grief and depression didn’t manifest itself as sadness. At least, not all the time. It mostly manifested itself as a blackout rage.

The month of December made me furious. For the first time in my life, it was not “the most wonderful time of the year.” It was a mirror, reflecting everything I’d lost.

Every gift from my secret Santa was a reminder that I had one less person to shop for. Every Christmas card a reminder that my family had a gaping hole that would never be filled. Every party was hours of torture for me, trying to appear festive and light while swimming in darkness. I hated it.

Every minute of it.

For many of our friends and family, the holiday season will be the final highlight of a year that included unimaginable joy: a wedding, a birth, a promotion, an exciting new chapter in life. And for just as many, the new chapters might be painful: an illness, a divorce, depression, grief or death.

There are times when “leaning in” to the holidays really can help change your mindset. You fake holiday cheer long enough and eventually you experience the real thing. If that has worked for you, wonderful! I’ve done that, too, and I’ll honestly do quite a bit of that this year.

But for some of us, December might be the most painful month we’ve experienced in an already painful year. It might feel as if there’s nothing worth celebrating, and we’ll feel guilty, feeling like we’re dragging others down. The contrast of joy around us and despair within us will be too confusing. Too bittersweet. Too devastating.

For some of us, this might be the one holiday season in our lives we simply can’t handle. If that’s true for you or someone you love, my message is this: it’s OK to “lean out” this year.

• You don’t have to decorate your house or put up a tree.
• You don’t have to send holiday cards.
• You don’t have to accept any holiday party invitations.
• You don’t have to buy presents.
• You don’t have to honor family traditions.
• You don’t have to be festive and cheerful.
• You don’t have to succumb to the pressure to make the season magical for everyone else.

Your one job this year is to make it through the season.

Maybe that means December just looks like any other month. Maybe that means you only accept a few holiday invites instead of over-scheduling yourself. Maybe you forgo gift giving and instead volunteer your time. Maybe you reach out to someone else who is hurting, and you quietly acknowledge the season together. Maybe you schedule a vacation and spend the holidays in a new city. If you are religious, maybe this is the year you strip the season down to its origin.

It’s OK to simplify. It’s often crucial to simplify.

This holiday season might just be one painful struggle after another. And it’s OK to acknowledge that and operate accordingly.

It might not be “the most wonderful time of the year,” but you will get through it. And there will be the promise of a new year."

~ Laura Coward, The Mighty

Yes... this magical time of the year isn't always the most wonderful, especially for those walking their own grief out.

Praying we can all be gentle with each other as we navigate this minefield of loss and pain.  God chose to enter into our lives during the darkest of nights in the most lowly of places... he understands our dark and heartache.  And He comes to give us Hope.

May you feel loved wrapped around you this night.

There is Grace enough for this too, Always,
                                                          Jane

From Pain to Purpose

So... these last few weeks... disheartening, difficult and discouraging...

As Dad's health deteriorates, our life has become more complicated.  He has become more needy...and more demanding... we know he is struggling with the letting go of the life that has always been his.  Letting go of the independence, the abilities, the choices... Letting go of the person he still is deep, deep inside... None of that is easy. 

And so the neediness.  And the demands.  And the irritability.  And the depression.

I have struggled as well.  Trying to meet those demands, trying to ease the hurt.

And failing miserably many times.  Brothers, grandchildren... all have stepped in.  And yet, the stress seems to increase... for him... for me.

Today, as I drove to the store to fulfill another demand... (fresh corn on the cob and butter pecan ice cream... dinner plans change on a whim!), the radio played music to soothe my nerves.  And finally words penetrated the chaos that swirled in my head...

When you see broken beyond repair
I see healing beyond belief.
When you see too far gone
I see one step away from home

How many times can one heart break?
It was never supposed to be this way
Look in the mirror, but you find someone you never thought you'd be

In a moment, Matthew West captured the heart of our most recent days...

Oh, but I can still recognize
The one I love in your tear stained eyes
I know you might not see him now, so lift your eyes to me

When you see broken beyond repair
I see healing beyond belief
When you see too far gone
I see one step away from home

It turned my thoughts to Jehovah, the One who cares infinitely more than I can ever imagine...

So hold on, it's not the end
No, this is where love's work begins
I'm making all things new
And I will make a miracle of you

I see my child, my beloved
The new creation you're becoming
You see the scars from when you fell
But I see the stories they will tell

Faithful God, He triumphs over the deepest despair.  I am reminded that God doesn't look upon troubles the same way we do... for dad... for me...

Where we see debilitating stress, He sees opportunity opening.

Where we see impossibly hard, He sees the growth beginning.

Where we see crisis, He sees a grace maturing.

Where we see piercing pain, He sees His powerful purpose...

You see worthless, I see priceless
You see pain, but I see a purpose
You see unworthy, undeserving

But I see you through eyes of mercy

Graced beyond words for His eyes of Mercy this day,

                                                         Always,
                                                                  Jane

Something Beautiful...

Sometimes a song has the power to put life's hurt and pain and grief into perspective...

Thank you Steven Curtis Chapman for a glimpse into the Uplifting Hope that comes when we give God all the broken pieces of our lives...

Would you take a moment and listen to these powerful words?  And find some of that Hope to hang on to?

"And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose."

             Romans 8:27-28

Trusting in the God who can make Something Beautiful and good from the mess life's made of our best laid plans...

...for truly His Grace has just begun.

The Good...and the Bad... and His Everlasting Light

We've had some good days...

and lately we've had some bad ones... pneumonia has taken hold once more and we have found ourselves standing vigil in a quiet hospital room these past days... doctors and nurses tend to Dad with hushed voices and promises of stronger antibiotics.  We are beginning to wonder if the lungs had ever really healed from the last brutal bout...

In this sterile room, surrounded by monitors and wires and miles of oxygen tubing... my heart, it's simply starving to hear some good news.

And in the midst of the quiet, we grab a cup of hot chocolate as we wait for the latest chest x-ray results and the TV just happens to run a story on Good Friday services at a local parish.  In a blink, my mind and heart are reminded of the day... for goodness sakes, it's Good Friday!  When did that happen? (Hospital stays have a way of blurring time and bringing life to a rushed standstill...true? so true)

If you would humor me, here's a post from last year... a reminder for my soul.  Did I even know when I wrote this one year ago how much I would need this message tonight?  To know that God is here with us, even now holding us... when the darkness seems complete, it is then that God is doing His most miraculous work... for the darkness always gives way to His Light... Always.

Reposted from April 3, 2015:

"Today we celebrate Good Friday...

I've always wondered why it was called Good.  Seems that there was nothing good about Christ's walk down Golgatha's path... his pain must have been immense, the lashings, the weight of the cross upon his wounded back, the scoffing of the crowd, the fear and horror on the disciples' faces, the brutal knowing of his fate awaiting at the top of the hill... nothing good on this Friday...

And when the torment was ended, his broken and bleeding body lay in a borrowed tomb, lifeless and still.  And the stone rolled over the light and shut the Son of God in the darkest night...

The darkness of this hour would seem to be too much to bear...

And there were times in our pancreatic cancer journey that the darkness overwhelmed...just like that stone rolling out the light. 

Our walk down the shadow valley led us to places of utter darkness.

The heartaches, the pain, the fear... it was as if the light was forever gone.

Perhaps you've been there too.  Or maybe you are struggling to find your way through a dark journey even now. 

Might you be encouraged this day.  For it occurs to me that God does some of His most miraculous things in the dark.

There was Abraham.  Father of the Jewish Nation.  He struggled hard with obedient faith, trusting in God when all else about him was sifting sand.  He endured droughts and strife with family, he was called to move to a foreign land and watched as war broke out on every side.  And he aged.  And became old.  And had no son to be his heir.  Even though God had promised his descendants would be as numerous as the stars in the sky.  Doubt had him questioning God's promises. We read in Genesis 15:12-18 that God came to Abraham in the dark of the night and renewed His Covenant with him...promising that his descendants would indeed have this land.  Just as Abraham's heart was in so dark of a place, God chose the cover of darkness to reveal the Light that can only be found in Him... 

And there was Moses.  Leading the children of Israel from the bondage of Pharoah in the darkness of the night.  I can only imagine the horror of that last plague... the death of all firstborn...

And it came to pass at midnight that the Lord struck all the firstborn in the land of Eqypt... (but when He saw the blood of the lamb on the Israelites lintel and doorposts, the Lord passed over the door and did not allow the destroyer to come in and strike them)... So Pharoah rose in the night, and there was a great cry in Egypt, for there was not a house where there was not one dead.  Then he called for Moses and said  'Go, serve the Lord, both you and the children of Israel.'  And so it was that Moses led the Israelites out of the land of bondage in the dark of night.    Exodus 12:21-42

And what about Jacob.  The one who tricked his twin brother out of the birthright.  Yep.  Esau held a grudge.  And back then, grudges could be deadly.  So Jacob fled with his very life (and the birthright), but as the years passed, he found his heart hungering for reconciliation.  He made the decision to head for home, but along the way... in the dark of night... he struggled with his fear and he wrestled the night through with God... like, really wrestling, physically fighting... through the long, dark night... Jacob wrestled with God.  And he found peace.  And the Blessing.  Genesis 32:22-32

And I love Jonah.  Running from God's call.  Acting like a spoiled child not getting his way.  Until God got his attention in the belly of the big fish.  For 3 days.  Can you imagine how dark, how horrid, how completely without hope Jonah must have felt?   Surely the darkness must have been his undoing... for in Jonah 2:7-9 it is recorded, "When my soul fainted within me, I remembered the Lord; And my prayer went up to you."   In the midst of tormenting darkness, Jonah raised the voice of thanksgiving, saying "Salvation is of the Lord."  And the fish spit Jonah up onto dry land... into the light of the sun...

"And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the LORD, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel."  Isaiah 45:3 



Darkness.  When it descends, it can overwhelm.  The fear, the grief, the worry... all seem exaggerated in the midnight hour.  We feel so alone, so helpless.  So out of Hope.

Beloved, we are never alone.  It is during our darkest hours that God is doing His most miraculous work in our lives.  For out of our darkest places He can bring light to illuminate our very hearts... shining Hope over His Purpose in our lives, mining the treasures of the hidden riches for His Glory.

As hard as it is to walk the Shadow Valley, I know that His Hand goes before me to hollow out a place to hold me close until the morning light... for the darkness always gives way to His Light...
  
And so, this Good Friday... the very Savior is hidden from the light, in the tomb of the dead.  It will never feel right to call it Good.

We could feel as desperate and hopeless as those disciples must have felt.  The darkness surely radiated an eternal grief that night... and just when the darkness seemed to be too much to bear...

 God prepares to reveal His most miraculous work...

Today the Light may be hidden in the darkest night,

                                                       but never doubt that Sunday's Coming..." 

A Day in the Life

Welcoming back Cancer Owl...
   for a most appropriate cartoon entitled "Mood Swings."

Thank you, Matthew... you make me smile.  But more than that you make me think, and open the door to better understanding, and the longing to love deeper and better and stronger...

 

 

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A Little Bit of Jack Nicholson for the Win...

Sometimes a picture just gets caught in your brain.  Like last night. This iconic image just popped into my head...and it wouldn't leave.  So I'm sharing it with you...you're welcome.

 

Might have been the blog post from yesterday...

 

Or it could have been the guacamole burger from Steak-n-Shake.

 

But I do know that mom really got it.  The truth thing, not the guacamole... She just never said it quite like Jack Nicholson.

 

And the truth about cancer is that it's brutal. And ugly, and more difficult than just about anything we'll ever face this side of heaven.  The truth? Truly, most people just really can't handle it. 

 

Mom understood.  And she didn't fault the friends, and family, who couldn't bear to ask her how she was doing... 

 

And that can make a cancer journey the loneliest walk on this planet.

 

No one should have to do this alone. Ever.

 

So, as the scene with Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson replayed in my mind for the umpteenth time, I realized that there could be A Few Good Men (or Women) out there... Yes?

 

The kind of men (and women) that stand up for right, who hold the line for those in battle, and who put their brave on to walk this cancer road alongside us, no matter how hard the truth is.

 

And I know that if you're reading this, you are one of the Few... True?

 

Might I encourage you this night?  If God has placed you on a path with a beloved cancer warrior, then He put you there for a reason... and He will equip you for the task at hand...your purpose is as easy as it is impossible... Love them with all your heart, no matter how brutal, or ugly or difficult the road.

 

Grace will overcome every heartache...it is the Promise.

 

You can so do this.  I know you can handle the Truth.

 

 

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Ask Me, I Dare You!

I need someone to ask me how I'm doing

and really want to know the answer.

 

 

Early on in Mom's pancreatic cancer journey, she became aware of the need to carefully measure her words and how much she could share depending on who she was with...

After a particularly stressful encounter with a friend over her cancer prognosis, she learned that not everyone wanted or needed to know the truth of her day to day journey...

...especially Sandy (name has been changed to protect friends who are hurting too)... Sandy was a dear neighbor who stopped by shortly after mom's first chemo treatment.  Concerned and caring, she visited with mom about the cancer and asked how mom was feeling.

Mom explained a bit about the chemotherapy protocol, how she would have treatments once a week for 3 weeks and then have the 4th week off to recover before starting the rotation all over again.

Sandy innocently asked how long the treatment would last.

Mom bluntly stated she would be on chemo until she died.

The distress on Sandy's face would have been heart-breaking, if our hearts weren't already broken in two by the nightmare we were already living... At a loss for words, Sandy just burst into tears.

This, of course, made Mom feel even more lousy if that were possible.  Still emotionally raw from her cancer diagnosis, she never imagined how Sandy would react, nor that she would have to put on a brave front before certain friends and family...

And that just stinks.  At her most vulnerable, she was still having to think of others.

It was a hardship we knew she detested, but sheltering others from pain seemed to be a by-product of her "mom" gene. It's what she had always done.

And it seems that this is the way of our society...big sigh... It's just not polite to discuss things like cancer, illness, death or grief with casual acquaintances.

The ubiquitous "How are you?" is more rhetoric than sincere.

The proper response always, "Fine.  And how are you?"

Would it be possible to move beyond such politeness and dig in deep with those suffering?

Could we look at them with the eyes of grace and hold steady while they unburden their pain?

Surely it is the call for each one of us who walks this road alongside the cancer warrior.

And so we have added this admonition to Mom's Letter from the Battlefield...

Ask if you dare,
but be ready for honest, for gritty, for heart-breaking, for messy...
then know that you have offered a deepest grace by helping carry the pain for the briefest of moments.  In this you are offering the sweetest gift of love...

"Carry one another's burdens and in this way you will fulfill the requirements of the law of Christ, that is, the law of Christian love."

                    ~ Galatians 6:2, Amplified Bible

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A song rising from the ashes...

When the struggle seems more than we can bear...

the cancer... the chemo... the pain... the grief...

When we are worn from the weight of this world.

 And all we want is to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life...

Might we all be encouraged...

There is Hope... For Redemption Wins... A song will rise...

The struggle will end.

Praying for you, my friend, take heart this day,

Journey on in Grace,

Love, Jane

Pneumonia, Car Accidents and a Bankruptcy...

It has not been a good month.

Definitely not good.

Pneumonia settled into Dad's lungs with a vengenance mid-June.  Complications with his COPD did not help.  It has been weeks of doctoring, medicating and nurturing.

And it has taken an army :-)  Family and friends who have brought soup, driven him to appointments,

met us at the hospital, encouraged, hugged and prayed this pneumonia into submission!  Doctors, nurses and specialists who plied their trade with mercy and healing.

Dad is on the mend.  But it's been a hard recovery...

The struggle has been not only physical, but emotionally for all of us as well.  Our worry meters were off the charts as Dad's doctors changed his antibiotics 3 times before finally seeing results.

And I know that this fear that reared its evil head was from the nightmare of mom's last week... Her pneumonia was a stronghold we simply couldn't breech.  And dad's ragged, labored breathing brought back memories sore to the heart.. an ominous refrain that filled us with dread.

So grateful for God's tender mercies in this, the first of our hurdles this past month.  For just as Dad was beginning to feel better, he was involved in a serious car accident... a short little drive to get some groceries ended in disaster as he rear-ended a pick-up truck, totaling his car in the process.

My heart skipped a beat (ok, it stopped) when he called... this is the kind of phone call we worried about getting when our teens were learning to drive!  My abrupt coronary was averted when Dad assured me he was alright.  Mercies abound, indeed, as Dad was not seriously injured nor was the driver of the pick-up.  But the car tells its own story...

Mangled fenders, smashed windshields, deflated airbags... it is beyond repair according to the insurance company.

In the light of this news, we are so incredibly grateful that dad walked away from the accident relatively ok.

But the bruises remain...  Bruised body.  Bruised ego.  Bruised dreams.

It's hard to hear the tremble in his voice... see the slump in his shoulders... the defeat in his eyes... the unspoken questions...

And as we wrestled with this latest crisis, we learned that a financial investment we had made years ago was headed for bankruptcy.  Retirement money that we had thought was safely tucked away for our sunset years was suddenly hanging by a thread.

More nightmares ensued as we scrambled with thousands of others to figure out what was happening... The courts appointed a Trustee to oversee the company, and as the facts have slowly come to light, it is becoming apparent that we are dealing with deliberate fraud and deceptive marketing, eerily reminiscent of the Enron scandal from a decade ago... only now it is very personal.  This scandal involves our money.  And our trust.  And the nightmare is long from over.

This month has been a beating... and with each blow we find ourselves more bruised than before.  It's hard to breath when the weight of the worry smothers out the joy...

And we know that we are not alone.  Life can be a fight.  It can leave us smothered and panicked.  Hurting and Hopeless.

More tears have fallen recently than I care to admit.  But it's true. It has not been a good month.

And there is no magic bullet for this kind of heaviness.  The scripture is clear, "In this world you will have trouble and suffering..."  John 16:33

In the middle of the nightmare there is no secret formula for reigniting our faith...

It is a walk of hard grace.  The practice of putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward totally dependent on God's Sovereign mercy.  For we know how the story ends...

"I have told you these things so that you can have peace in me.

In this world you will have troubles,

but take courage, I have overcome the world."

                                          ~ John 16:33

He has promised to be there, always. {Matthew 28:20}  And He will always keep his promises...

So in the midst of this not-so-good month, we found ourselves on a plane to Wisconsin.  For a college graduation celebration of a dear niece...a celebration dad was determined not to miss.

 

 

And somewhere in the celebration we felt laughter bubble up, a smile to be with family, a simple joy to sample today's ripe strawberries topped with fresh cream with the ones we love...

and we put one foot in front of the other and walk hard into grace...