Going Home...

Again...

A Big Thumb's Up for good news... We're headed home from the hospital!

However, it comes with a Big Dose of reality and lots of meds...

... and breathing treatments and monitoring and therapy...

But there is nothing like being home, eating breakfast in your favorite recliner!

The weekend is looking up  :-)

Gratitude for Blessings, both big and small,

Might you find joy, today, in simple pleasures with the ones you love,

In Grace, Always,

                 Jane

The Good...and the Bad... and His Everlasting Light

We've had some good days...

and lately we've had some bad ones... pneumonia has taken hold once more and we have found ourselves standing vigil in a quiet hospital room these past days... doctors and nurses tend to Dad with hushed voices and promises of stronger antibiotics.  We are beginning to wonder if the lungs had ever really healed from the last brutal bout...

In this sterile room, surrounded by monitors and wires and miles of oxygen tubing... my heart, it's simply starving to hear some good news.

And in the midst of the quiet, we grab a cup of hot chocolate as we wait for the latest chest x-ray results and the TV just happens to run a story on Good Friday services at a local parish.  In a blink, my mind and heart are reminded of the day... for goodness sakes, it's Good Friday!  When did that happen? (Hospital stays have a way of blurring time and bringing life to a rushed standstill...true? so true)

If you would humor me, here's a post from last year... a reminder for my soul.  Did I even know when I wrote this one year ago how much I would need this message tonight?  To know that God is here with us, even now holding us... when the darkness seems complete, it is then that God is doing His most miraculous work... for the darkness always gives way to His Light... Always.

Reposted from April 3, 2015:

"Today we celebrate Good Friday...

I've always wondered why it was called Good.  Seems that there was nothing good about Christ's walk down Golgatha's path... his pain must have been immense, the lashings, the weight of the cross upon his wounded back, the scoffing of the crowd, the fear and horror on the disciples' faces, the brutal knowing of his fate awaiting at the top of the hill... nothing good on this Friday...

And when the torment was ended, his broken and bleeding body lay in a borrowed tomb, lifeless and still.  And the stone rolled over the light and shut the Son of God in the darkest night...

The darkness of this hour would seem to be too much to bear...

And there were times in our pancreatic cancer journey that the darkness overwhelmed...just like that stone rolling out the light. 

Our walk down the shadow valley led us to places of utter darkness.

The heartaches, the pain, the fear... it was as if the light was forever gone.

Perhaps you've been there too.  Or maybe you are struggling to find your way through a dark journey even now. 

Might you be encouraged this day.  For it occurs to me that God does some of His most miraculous things in the dark.

There was Abraham.  Father of the Jewish Nation.  He struggled hard with obedient faith, trusting in God when all else about him was sifting sand.  He endured droughts and strife with family, he was called to move to a foreign land and watched as war broke out on every side.  And he aged.  And became old.  And had no son to be his heir.  Even though God had promised his descendants would be as numerous as the stars in the sky.  Doubt had him questioning God's promises. We read in Genesis 15:12-18 that God came to Abraham in the dark of the night and renewed His Covenant with him...promising that his descendants would indeed have this land.  Just as Abraham's heart was in so dark of a place, God chose the cover of darkness to reveal the Light that can only be found in Him... 

And there was Moses.  Leading the children of Israel from the bondage of Pharoah in the darkness of the night.  I can only imagine the horror of that last plague... the death of all firstborn...

And it came to pass at midnight that the Lord struck all the firstborn in the land of Eqypt... (but when He saw the blood of the lamb on the Israelites lintel and doorposts, the Lord passed over the door and did not allow the destroyer to come in and strike them)... So Pharoah rose in the night, and there was a great cry in Egypt, for there was not a house where there was not one dead.  Then he called for Moses and said  'Go, serve the Lord, both you and the children of Israel.'  And so it was that Moses led the Israelites out of the land of bondage in the dark of night.    Exodus 12:21-42

And what about Jacob.  The one who tricked his twin brother out of the birthright.  Yep.  Esau held a grudge.  And back then, grudges could be deadly.  So Jacob fled with his very life (and the birthright), but as the years passed, he found his heart hungering for reconciliation.  He made the decision to head for home, but along the way... in the dark of night... he struggled with his fear and he wrestled the night through with God... like, really wrestling, physically fighting... through the long, dark night... Jacob wrestled with God.  And he found peace.  And the Blessing.  Genesis 32:22-32

And I love Jonah.  Running from God's call.  Acting like a spoiled child not getting his way.  Until God got his attention in the belly of the big fish.  For 3 days.  Can you imagine how dark, how horrid, how completely without hope Jonah must have felt?   Surely the darkness must have been his undoing... for in Jonah 2:7-9 it is recorded, "When my soul fainted within me, I remembered the Lord; And my prayer went up to you."   In the midst of tormenting darkness, Jonah raised the voice of thanksgiving, saying "Salvation is of the Lord."  And the fish spit Jonah up onto dry land... into the light of the sun...

"And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the LORD, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel."  Isaiah 45:3 



Darkness.  When it descends, it can overwhelm.  The fear, the grief, the worry... all seem exaggerated in the midnight hour.  We feel so alone, so helpless.  So out of Hope.

Beloved, we are never alone.  It is during our darkest hours that God is doing His most miraculous work in our lives.  For out of our darkest places He can bring light to illuminate our very hearts... shining Hope over His Purpose in our lives, mining the treasures of the hidden riches for His Glory.

As hard as it is to walk the Shadow Valley, I know that His Hand goes before me to hollow out a place to hold me close until the morning light... for the darkness always gives way to His Light...
  
And so, this Good Friday... the very Savior is hidden from the light, in the tomb of the dead.  It will never feel right to call it Good.

We could feel as desperate and hopeless as those disciples must have felt.  The darkness surely radiated an eternal grief that night... and just when the darkness seemed to be too much to bear...

 God prepares to reveal His most miraculous work...

Today the Light may be hidden in the darkest night,

                                                       but never doubt that Sunday's Coming..." 

When New Years Wishes are Conflicted...

This wasn't exactly how we planned to spend our New Year's Eve and Day...

Hospitals and pneumonia, breathing ragged and painful.

A Midnight run to the ER, hushed phone calls in the hall...

X-rays reveal what we already knew.

Doctors consult and begin admitting procedures

as Times Square excitement blares.

We had suits starched and shoes shined for another event entirely...

A New Year's Eve Celebration

months in the making!

A dress and 2 rings and a family circle growing deeper in love...

And at Poppy's insistence, the wedding festivities continued on,

a favored Grandson and his beautiful girl said their I Do's

as the clock heralded a New Year.

... and their happiness shone bright...

even as Poppy's breathing slowed and tears fell,

There was a keen sorrow at missing such joy.

And sometimes New Years Wishes are conflicted...

when we wish for Happy, but are faced with pain and hurt and uncertainty.

When our lives aren't going as planned,

and life is de-railed in the midst of the Hopeful expecting.

It's hard to find Happy and see a future of Good

when each breath is labored and the heart is aching.

And right in the middle of this emotional tangle,

an ambulance siren pierced the night,

bringing the victim of a tragic midnight shooting

to the hospital right where we sat.

A family's life was ripped in two as they arrived,

rushed and frantic,

to find their 20-year old daughter barely clinging to life.

We heard the sobs as a mother cried for her only child,

and the wails as this precious girl slipped away

despite all the heroic efforts to save her.

Our tears fell now for the ones who were suffering

an unimaginable grief this New Year's Day.

Our paltry sorrows paling in comparison.

And how do you find the Happy in this?

A New Year that is bleak and grim for a family who must now plan a funeral

instead of planning a life of dreams fulfilled...

There are no words for such grief.

Nor wishes for a Happy New Year.

And we realize anew that life is what we have right now.

For Poppy, it is here in this hospital room, and it is what we make of it.

To cherish time

and another year here, with us.

For Dustin and Blair, it is the moment they have right now,

in each other's arms, loves vows fresh,

their first dance together as Mr. and Mrs...

And somehow, we find the grace to hold on to the Hope,

trusting in the Good this year...

to know that the New Year may not be Happy,

but it can be filled with love, to walk us through the darkest valley.

For as the grief overwhelmed in the ICU ward this night,

as a mother held tightly to a daughter's still form,

friends and family were pouring into the hospital's waiting room and lobby...

more than this small hospital could hold, and yet they came and crowded in,

there to cry with a grieving mother, to walk with her, to be there and offer comfort

in the only way they knew how...

loving her through the grief

right into the new year...

Our wish this New Year would be for Grace

to hold us, right where we are,

whether there is Happy, or there is Sorrow.

May God's Sovereign Hand open to reveal

the Hope that is found, always, in Him...

"...all know and agree that God is sovereign,

that he holds all things in his hand..."

                                          ~ Job 12:10

in Grace He promises to never let us go...

Pneumonia, Car Accidents and a Bankruptcy...

It has not been a good month.

Definitely not good.

Pneumonia settled into Dad's lungs with a vengenance mid-June.  Complications with his COPD did not help.  It has been weeks of doctoring, medicating and nurturing.

And it has taken an army :-)  Family and friends who have brought soup, driven him to appointments,

met us at the hospital, encouraged, hugged and prayed this pneumonia into submission!  Doctors, nurses and specialists who plied their trade with mercy and healing.

Dad is on the mend.  But it's been a hard recovery...

The struggle has been not only physical, but emotionally for all of us as well.  Our worry meters were off the charts as Dad's doctors changed his antibiotics 3 times before finally seeing results.

And I know that this fear that reared its evil head was from the nightmare of mom's last week... Her pneumonia was a stronghold we simply couldn't breech.  And dad's ragged, labored breathing brought back memories sore to the heart.. an ominous refrain that filled us with dread.

So grateful for God's tender mercies in this, the first of our hurdles this past month.  For just as Dad was beginning to feel better, he was involved in a serious car accident... a short little drive to get some groceries ended in disaster as he rear-ended a pick-up truck, totaling his car in the process.

My heart skipped a beat (ok, it stopped) when he called... this is the kind of phone call we worried about getting when our teens were learning to drive!  My abrupt coronary was averted when Dad assured me he was alright.  Mercies abound, indeed, as Dad was not seriously injured nor was the driver of the pick-up.  But the car tells its own story...

Mangled fenders, smashed windshields, deflated airbags... it is beyond repair according to the insurance company.

In the light of this news, we are so incredibly grateful that dad walked away from the accident relatively ok.

But the bruises remain...  Bruised body.  Bruised ego.  Bruised dreams.

It's hard to hear the tremble in his voice... see the slump in his shoulders... the defeat in his eyes... the unspoken questions...

And as we wrestled with this latest crisis, we learned that a financial investment we had made years ago was headed for bankruptcy.  Retirement money that we had thought was safely tucked away for our sunset years was suddenly hanging by a thread.

More nightmares ensued as we scrambled with thousands of others to figure out what was happening... The courts appointed a Trustee to oversee the company, and as the facts have slowly come to light, it is becoming apparent that we are dealing with deliberate fraud and deceptive marketing, eerily reminiscent of the Enron scandal from a decade ago... only now it is very personal.  This scandal involves our money.  And our trust.  And the nightmare is long from over.

This month has been a beating... and with each blow we find ourselves more bruised than before.  It's hard to breath when the weight of the worry smothers out the joy...

And we know that we are not alone.  Life can be a fight.  It can leave us smothered and panicked.  Hurting and Hopeless.

More tears have fallen recently than I care to admit.  But it's true. It has not been a good month.

And there is no magic bullet for this kind of heaviness.  The scripture is clear, "In this world you will have trouble and suffering..."  John 16:33

In the middle of the nightmare there is no secret formula for reigniting our faith...

It is a walk of hard grace.  The practice of putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward totally dependent on God's Sovereign mercy.  For we know how the story ends...

"I have told you these things so that you can have peace in me.

In this world you will have troubles,

but take courage, I have overcome the world."

                                          ~ John 16:33

He has promised to be there, always. {Matthew 28:20}  And He will always keep his promises...

So in the midst of this not-so-good month, we found ourselves on a plane to Wisconsin.  For a college graduation celebration of a dear niece...a celebration dad was determined not to miss.

 

 

And somewhere in the celebration we felt laughter bubble up, a smile to be with family, a simple joy to sample today's ripe strawberries topped with fresh cream with the ones we love...

and we put one foot in front of the other and walk hard into grace...

The Brush of Mercy

Grateful...

...for safe travel to Grandpa Don's hospital bed

...for wisdom of doctors and tender ministries of the nurses

...for fluids, and antibiotics, and steroids...

...for oxygen, sustaining the scarred lungs

...for the arms of family, the loving hugs, the encouraging smiles

...for improving prognosis

...for cream soups and chocolate shakes

...for laughter brightening the sterile white room

...for faithful God, for gifts of life

...for believing patriarchs who lead the way, amazing father-in-law who trusts in midst of trial...

Gratitude flows freely this night.  Thank you all for carrying us to the throne of Grace.  We have felt the brush of His mercy, and we bow low with thanksgiving,

                                                  In Grace Always,
                                                                    Jane

  

Babies in the Barn...

 

 

Our newest additions...Triplets born this week!

 

Hard to tell where one baby ends and the other begins.  It's a jumble of kids!  And, oh, so sweet...

 

 

From the top of their downy heads and silky ears

 

 

to the tips of their darlin' little hooves!

 

It's my favorite time of year.  Kidding Season.  Well, to be honest, most every season begs to be favorite.  But our baby goat season is the best!  It is new life.  Hope birthed in innocence.  Crazy, happy goat-kids leaping and bounding around the pasture.  And piles of soft, silken kid babies napping in the straw under mama's watchful eye.   

 

And in the midst of the happy, the phone's ring shatters the bliss  Stacatto message. Heart beats urgent..

 

Father-in-law... pneumonia... breathing labored .... lips tinged with blue... hospital rush.... 

 

We are on our way.  Heading north, racing the ice storm.  Praying, praying as we breath, let the oxygen flow in, sustain life... 

 

Be merciful...  

 

  

Life Can Turn on a Dime

One day you're up, the next you're flat on your back in a hospital bed...

Greetings from Denton Regional Hospital.  Mom was admitted yesterday. It wasn't the turkey, I promise! The culprit this time appears to be a roaring case of pneumonia.

She started feeling a little under the weather Friday, and rapidly worsened through the weekend. Her blood work has tanked, and she's getting 2 units of blood as we speak, along with bags and bags of fluids, and 3 different antibiotics.

Her White Blood Cell count is being particularly obnoxious and has dropped below 1.0. That's very low, as in the "Red Flag, High Alert, put her in the Isolation Room" low. She basically has no fight left in her immune system. So no new "bugs" allowed while she's battling the pneumonia.

Please keep her and dad in your prayers. This has been a rough weekend, and from the looks of things, we are heading into a long week.

Will keep you updated as I can. We cherish your thoughts, your hugs and your prayers, Always,
Jane

Life's a Teeter-Totter

One's up. One's down. Welcome to life's precarious teeter-totter!

Mom is actually doing well. Chemo Day was uneventful. Blood work looked pretty close to fine.  Platelets were actually higher than they were last week! Weight is up. Again. Yea! And nausea is a distant memory. Well, okay, not that distant, but at least not currently plaguing her.

And so, Round #2 of this Gemzar cycle is in the bag.

Just in time to take Dad to the doctor. He has the beginnings of pneumonia. Has felt rotten all day and can barely make it out of bed. It's chicken soup for him plus lots of antibiotics and steroids.

Thank goodness mom is feeling better. Her turn to be the giver of meds and plumper of pillows. And maybe, one day soon, they will both feel good - at the same time!

Hugs and Prayers Tonight, Jane

Embracing Life to the Fullest

 

Mom and Dad left Monday for some serious R&R in Wendover, NV.

Most of their friends were aghast that they would even consider traveling in their conditions. One weakened from pancreatic cancer and the other wheezing from pneumonia.  Have to admit, I had a twinge or two of worry myself!

However, here is where the embracing life to the fullest part kicks in.  Mom and Dad have always loved to travel.  They've cruised the world and have enjoyed every minute.  One of the things that mom's cancer diagnosis has threatened to take away is that joyous gift of traveling. 

Mom was diagnosed in November of 2010.  We were already knee-deep into our daughter's destination wedding plans at that time and everything came to a screeching halt.  The wedding was planned for February 26, 2011 on the beautiful island of Cozumel.  The bride and groom plus 38 close family and friends would be boarding a cruise ship the Thursday before, arrive in Cozumel that Saturday and return home the following Monday.  An extended celebration to be sure.  This wedding was not for the faint at heart, nor for the sea-sick prone!   None of us were sure mom would be able to travel, and my daughter was devastated over her grandma's illness, trying to cancel plans and rearrange the wedding to be close to home so mom could attend.  Mom, however, would hear none of it.  She decided there was no way Katie should give up her dream wedding, and she was not going to miss the event, even if she had to be carried in (a recurring nightmare I suffered thru for many weeks...)  She talked with her oncologist who was immediately on board.  I believe his exact words were, We will make this happen.  And they did.  Mom was in the middle of radiation therapy and continuous 5-FU chemo in February, but the doctor arranged for the 5-day break, and actually made sure she had extra prescriptions for antibiotics, pain medications and anti-nausea meds before she left.  Is it any wonder we love him so?!

And the wedding was fabulous!  We never made the beach in Cozumel - that's a whole post in and of itself...  But the wedding went off without a hitch.  Made even more special because mom was there.

And here's mom with Katie, later that evening at the Gala Wedding Reception:

That wedding was a turning point of sorts for mom.  A light switched back on as she discovered that, Yes!  You can travel with cancer!  She arrived home with color in her cheeks and some added weight gain.  It's a fact, you can't go on a cruise without indulging!  The doctor decided that he should prescribe cruises to all his patients.  We agree!!

And so, with her doctor's blessing, mom has planned small trips here and there.  The latest is this trip to Wendover with Dad.  They arrived safely, albeit tired, and have thoroughly enjoyed the break.  Mostly resting, but also eating...

In this way, mom has chosen to embrace the life she has, rather than endure the tedium of wasting away in her living room.  It's a nice living room, but the 4 walls do start closing in after a while!  Exploring a new place is so much more fun...

Should the unthinkable happen, and one of them collapses or becomes seriously ill (more so than they are now), then we will deal with it.  For now, Mom and Dad are happy, content and hopefully in bed asleep! 

Praying for safe travels as they head home tomorrow.  Can't wait to hug their necks! 

Things are Just Heating Up

Time for a medical update x 2!

First, Dad's pneumonia is improving (that's what he says), but the doctor increased his steroids and put him on another antibiotic this afternoon. Not sure who I believe, but I'm guessing that dad's idea of improving isn't the same as the doctors! He does feel sort of okay. As long as he's relaxing in the recliner and taking his meds! No hiking around Texas (or the Gaylord) for another week or two (or three...)

Mom won't be hiking anywhere for awhile either. Her left ankle has ballooned up again (never actually went down from last week), and started turning a suspicious shade of red yesterday. And it was getting painful. Enough reason for a trip to the doctor today.

It definitely is something, but the doctor's just not sure what. Looks like a case of cellulitis, but he doesn't think it is, but then said there's really not much else it could be. So after some chin-scratching, he put her on antibiotics too.

And this is after a crummy two days with the typical Gemzar reaction. Fever, flu-like aches and fatigue. So, no, I think hiking anywhere right now is out of the question.

Not that we'd really want to go hiking anywhere anyway. 103 in the shade and nary a breeze to be found. Ahhh, summertime in Texas. Remind me come January.

The heat may be addling the raccoon brains too. We're up to lucky #13 as of this morning. Where are they coming from? We're even catching them without bait. No joke. Last Thursday I had to leave the house early to get mom to chemo, so I decided not to bait the trap the night before. Lo, and behold, what should greet me when I woke up? The rattle of the trap door and one onery coon. I think she was madder than most, because after all the hype from her friends, she fell for the trap and didn't even get a treat. That stinks.

We talked all the way to Deep Creek. I tried to impart some age-old wisdom. If all your friends were jumping off a bridge would you jump too? I think maybe she would...

Only One Seriously Ill Person at a Time, Please!

There's an abundance of medical news to report this week at mom and dad's place! First, just let me say, that everyone is doing "fine." But they have been keeping the doctors busy!
 
Starting with Dad. Wednesday he was diagnosed with pneumonia. Caught it early, started antibiotics and prednisone, but still he's been a tad under the weather. And also stubborn as a mule. Doctor told him to take it easy for at least a week, i.e. no work, stay home and rest. So, where would he be today? Yep, at work. For those that don't know, Dad works part-time as a chauffeur for the Gaylord Texan Resort.

We're not sure if he just really loves his job, or if he really just loves the tips! Irregardless, you can't keep a good man down. I am thinking, though, that the pneumonia might be doing some serious talking about now. Curious to see how he feels when he gets home this afternoon :) Tables are turned: Mom's now making chicken noodle soup for Dad and doling out meds!

Mom is actually doing fairly well! Hallelujah! Only one seriously ill person at a time please. She had her second Gemzar chemo treatment yesterday. And so far, so good. Of course, her blood work is getting rocky. We expect that. The platelets and red and white blood cells are starting their slow decline, but are still in the okay range for now. The dreaded tumor marker, unfortunately, has gone way up. We expected that too, but had hoped for better news. The gallbladder fieldtrip took her away from the chemo for almost 2 months. The cancer saw an opportunity and took advantage. The marker is at 630. Up from 118 in May. The doctor wasn't overly concerned at this point. She has responded well to the Gemzar in the past, and he expects that number will go down as the chemo does its job. Praying this is true.

We are concerned with the swelling in her left leg. It comes and goes, but never completely goes away. We're beginning to think that the cancer is somehow interferring with the lymph drainage in that leg. Elevating it does help some. But you can't spend all day with your leg propped up in the recliner! (Does sound tempting though.)

On another front, Mom's appetite continues to hold steady. Yea! Prayers answered. She was even able to snarf down dessert from Mimi's Cafe during chemo yesterday! Marked improvement! How can you go wrong with the dessert sampler? A little apple crisp, some brownie drizzled with caramel and their famous bread pudding with rum sauce! Yum!! Our little corner of the chemo lab was infused with happiness!

That little boost from the rum sauce (just kidding, I'm sure they cooked it all out....right?) was exactly what we needed for the trip we took after chemotherapy. We headed over for a visit to Bluebonnet Hills yesterday afternoon. And that's actually a whole other post for a whole other day! I'm thinking that Bluebonnet Hills isn't exactly what you're thinking it is. So tune in tomorrow, for all the details...

Love you all to pieces, Jane