When New Years Wishes are Conflicted...

This wasn't exactly how we planned to spend our New Year's Eve and Day...

Hospitals and pneumonia, breathing ragged and painful.

A Midnight run to the ER, hushed phone calls in the hall...

X-rays reveal what we already knew.

Doctors consult and begin admitting procedures

as Times Square excitement blares.

We had suits starched and shoes shined for another event entirely...

A New Year's Eve Celebration

months in the making!

A dress and 2 rings and a family circle growing deeper in love...

And at Poppy's insistence, the wedding festivities continued on,

a favored Grandson and his beautiful girl said their I Do's

as the clock heralded a New Year.

... and their happiness shone bright...

even as Poppy's breathing slowed and tears fell,

There was a keen sorrow at missing such joy.

And sometimes New Years Wishes are conflicted...

when we wish for Happy, but are faced with pain and hurt and uncertainty.

When our lives aren't going as planned,

and life is de-railed in the midst of the Hopeful expecting.

It's hard to find Happy and see a future of Good

when each breath is labored and the heart is aching.

And right in the middle of this emotional tangle,

an ambulance siren pierced the night,

bringing the victim of a tragic midnight shooting

to the hospital right where we sat.

A family's life was ripped in two as they arrived,

rushed and frantic,

to find their 20-year old daughter barely clinging to life.

We heard the sobs as a mother cried for her only child,

and the wails as this precious girl slipped away

despite all the heroic efforts to save her.

Our tears fell now for the ones who were suffering

an unimaginable grief this New Year's Day.

Our paltry sorrows paling in comparison.

And how do you find the Happy in this?

A New Year that is bleak and grim for a family who must now plan a funeral

instead of planning a life of dreams fulfilled...

There are no words for such grief.

Nor wishes for a Happy New Year.

And we realize anew that life is what we have right now.

For Poppy, it is here in this hospital room, and it is what we make of it.

To cherish time

and another year here, with us.

For Dustin and Blair, it is the moment they have right now,

in each other's arms, loves vows fresh,

their first dance together as Mr. and Mrs...

And somehow, we find the grace to hold on to the Hope,

trusting in the Good this year...

to know that the New Year may not be Happy,

but it can be filled with love, to walk us through the darkest valley.

For as the grief overwhelmed in the ICU ward this night,

as a mother held tightly to a daughter's still form,

friends and family were pouring into the hospital's waiting room and lobby...

more than this small hospital could hold, and yet they came and crowded in,

there to cry with a grieving mother, to walk with her, to be there and offer comfort

in the only way they knew how...

loving her through the grief

right into the new year...

Our wish this New Year would be for Grace

to hold us, right where we are,

whether there is Happy, or there is Sorrow.

May God's Sovereign Hand open to reveal

the Hope that is found, always, in Him...

"...all know and agree that God is sovereign,

that he holds all things in his hand..."

                                          ~ Job 12:10

in Grace He promises to never let us go...

Swarms of Locusts Everywhere....Ugh!

So... Grandma Inga taught me much about Guilt... and we'll get to that in a minute.  But she also taught me much about Living Life Well.  (She was a conflicted woman...as are we all).   She and Grandpa dairy farmed in the rich Wisconsin countryside.  Love for the farm flowed straight from her veins to mine...

 

 

 

 

 

Grandma Inga set us to work with the calves, the chickens and the pony at an early age.  Though, I am really rethinking my red highwater pants and blue jacket selection right now.  Did no one supervise us when we got up in the morning?!

 

Anyway, back to the matter at hand... Guilt.  Which, by the way, I feel none when I think back to those glorious visits to the dairy farm.  Just freedom, fun and chocolate (yes, the chocolate addiction I learned at Grandma Inga's knee as well...she was conflicted but happy).

 

There are a-gazillion books from some really smart people about how to handle Guilt.  Where it comes from... What it looks like... And What to do about it... I am not one of these people.  I am one of the people who is figuring it out one agonizing step at a time.

 

I do very much encourage you to seek out the professionals for a Guilt that is interferring with your joy, your love or your life.  It can be debilitating and I know that some things simply cannot be handled without help...please know that when we become weary in the walk, Grace provides the Aarons and Hurs to hold our hands and walk us through the trials.  It may be a counselor, a friend or a minister...you don't have to handle it alone...

 

In my personal life, I have found that there are basically two kinds of guilt (don't try to look this up in any of the fore-mentioned books, I don't think it's in there...)

 

There's Real Guilt.  That's the kind where you really did something to feel guilty for.  Like rob a bank or cheat on a test or lie to your parents...

 

Then there's the Imaginary Guilt, which of course is the Guilt you make up in your mind.  And is, by definition, not Real.  That would be not spending enough time with your loved one, or not calling your friend back, or eating that second piece of pie. 

 

For me, the Imaginary Guilt is way, way harder to deal with.  It takes over your thoughts and messes with your happiness.  All those what ifs and not enoughs...

 

With Real Guilt, you know exactly what you did wrong.  Usually the police or teacher or your mom will be only to happy to help you figure it out.

 

With Real Guilt, there is an action that can be accounted for.  Actions that can be amended, albeit, not without consequences.  This is the Guilt that brings a humbled child (no matter the age) back to his parent to beg forgiveness... or the husband back to his wife... or the friend back to his comrade...

 

Imaginary Guilt is just so hard to quantify... Really how much time is enough?  How much pie is too much? (Well, ok, that one's easy... like, don't eat the whole pie...)  But the thing is, we lay a self-imposed (imaginary) line in the sand and when we cross it, we're off on a mega (self-indulgent) guilt trip, even though we have literally harmed no one...

 

So, what to do?  Well, if you're me, you do the following...

 

Stop.  Examine the offense.

 

Decide if it's Real Guilt or Imaginary Guilt.

 

If it's Real, do the hard thing and go make amends.  And accept the consequences.

 

If it's Imaginary Guilt, Raise your Head High and Apply Grace to your Heart.  Liberally.  Refuse to live in the land of what if and not enough.

 

And if you, like me, have traveled a thousand guilt trips and mourn the time that was lost while wrestling the anguish... Be of good cheer... 

 

"I, the Lord your God,

will make up for the losses

caused by those swarms

and swarms of locusts

I sent to attack you.

My people, you will eat

until you are satisfied.

Then you will praise me

for the wonderful things

I have done.

Never again will you

be put to shame."

     Joel 2:25-26

    

Living in the Grace Promise to restore the years the locusts have eaten. 

Faithful God.  He knows my Heart. 

There is joy, There is Hope.

There is no more Shame.

 

Graced to be Guilt-free for today.

Tomorrow may find me wrangling yet another one-way ticket off the

Guilt Trip Train,

Thankful still for the Grace to move on and

 

Live Life Well!