Walking out the Chaos in an Ordinary, Everyday Life

This month past has been hi-jacked by Chaos.

Pure and Simple.

Complete disorder.  Run amok.  Disheartening lows.  Crazy highs.

We moved into our long-dreamed-for Log Cabin  {Finally!}  With boxes piled high and scattered belongings in complete disarray, we can at last say, We are Home!

It's a happy chaos, this putting our life into order one messy box at a time... How we've longed for this day!

And within moments of crossing the threshold of that dream, the call came from nurses that dad was being rushed to the Emergency Room.

Breath coming in gasps, his COPD had flared and became life-threatening within hours.  Hours became days, stranded in the hospital, speaking in hushed whispers, living out of overnight bags and hanging onto each new report... Life in Chaos... striving for calm, but losing the battle as we struggled with the truth of this insidious disease.

I've decided that the clean, quiet, sterile halls of a hospital hide a frightening, scary, dark side.  Ordinary people are facing overwhelming news and difficult prognoses behind most every door we passed.   Throwing lives into turmoil...a miserable kind of chaos to be sure.

The roller-coaster ride of this COPD journey found us heading home with dad after a week of breathing treatments, heavy-duty antibiotics and LOTS of steroids.

The chaos of that week faded back into a grateful "normal" as dad found his smile (and his appetite... thank you prednisone!)  With thankful hearts, we hugged him hard and headed for a brief respite to recoup .. fall camping with friends in the hills of central Texas...

But the very next week found us back in the Emergency room with dad's breathing even worse than before.  Doctor consults, tests and IV's, the concerned murmurs... Chaos returned with a vengance.

COPD is an agonizingly slow descent into sheer panic.  The air hunger, the labored breathing, the subtle, sly loss of everyday activities we take for granted, the terrifying feeling of suffocating in the dark midnight hours... this is a chaos of the hardest kind.  Fighting an implacable disease that does not relent.

No winning. No cure. No Hope.

As dad's breathing worsened, his doctor gently approached us with the difficult news... there was nothing more that could be done to ease the ache in his lungs.

Air left the room.

We have long prepared ourselves for this moment, but there is no preparing...

Dad is transitioning into hospice care and our hearts tremble between an anguished grief for the road ahead and an intense relief that there is a comfort available for which dad is so desperate.

The hours and days to come?  A Hard Chaos that we are determined to walk out well.

We have been in this place before.

Mom walked it out almost 8 years ago, and Dad remembers well the compassion and grace offered by the hands of her hospice team.

Now, he faces the work of this last mile.

And we will be there each step of the way, he does not walk alone.  It is the prayer of our heart, the sacrifice of family from far and wide, that ensures he will be loved much in the days ahead.

That love can turn the chaos into peace... of that I am sure.

Resting in the God who makes order out of chaos and chooses to love us better than we could ever imagine.

That is Peace for tonight.

I can see the Finish Line from here...

Several weeks ago I saw an interview with Jane Pauley and John Mellencamp.

I chanced upon it half way through, just in time to hear his take on how to live life well.  Well, actually I'm not sure he was expounding on the living well part as much as he was the living part...

But it struck a chord all the same and maybe you feel it too... the rushing of the days, speeding into years, until time turns around and the finish line nears...

How is it possible the Farmer is talking retirement??   65 this fall.  The Medicare solicitations filling our mailbox and Social Security deadlines looming...

65?

And still my heart skips a beat... he is the handsomest retiree-to-be I know ;-)

And the years, they keep rolling together, gaining speed with each passing day.

Perhaps Mr. Mellencamp was feeling it too:

"I can see the finish line from here.  I only have so many summers left. 

And I intend not to waste them being old."

I think we'd have to agree.  There's much more living ahead, and it's true, by God's grace, we only have so many summers left... So how to spend them?  This would be the question we face as we head for a new season in our life!

Retirement.

We're keeping an ongoing tally on our To-Do List...

There is much to do.  That log house won't build itself!  Lol!  And in 100 days, the Farmer will be punching out from the daily grind and punching in to life at the lake... {smile}

We intend not to waste a minute of the time we're given!

In our walk together these last many years, we've seen the tragedies...

the devastating losses of the too young,

the too innocent,

the too loved.

We may never understand, this side of Heaven,

nor have answers to ease our griefs.

We may never be able to fathom the depths

of God's grace and mercy for the sorrowing soul.

And we question the journey.

The longer we live, the more we realize how fragile our hold.

And yet, one thing I know... He has set the finish line before each one of us,

and we are called to run the race He's given us with excellence.

"And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith."

                                                            ~ Hebrews 12:1-2

By God's Grace, the gift of today is ours.

Let us make much of each moment,

for His Kingdom's sake...

My Love, Always,

            Jane

Mother's Day Reflections...

This... Thoughts from a mother's heart... So beautifully said... Words of truth...

Being a Mother of Kids Who Can Die Young

Most of us cannot imagine being a mother who could lose her child.   Ann shares what it is like to be a mother of children with serious health conditions.  Where hugging a son good-night means knowing there is a 1 in 20 chance he may die in his sleep.  Where learning that their tiniest daughter... born with half a heart, must wait for a heart transplant... and she begs for More Time... breathing in the moments and memorizing each face with a tender fierceness. 

Ann's post is poignant and touches a chord that can resonant with each of us.  For as she explains, "The shadow of death is a strange friend: it wakes you to savouring life and every minute."

When we walked with mom through her pancreatic cancer journey we too found that the moments became so much more precious the faster they dwindled.  The inconsequential faded away and our time together focused on the only things that mattered... deeply loving one another.  I am beyond blessed to have had that time with her.  Perhaps that is why Ann's story touches me so much...


“Getting to love you makes me the luckiest.
Getting to witness your brave gives me strength to bear whatever comes.
Getting to receive your grace makes me only want to give more.
And getting to be with you, ever, whenever, however, makes everything worth it — because you are worth everything.”
                                                        ~ Ann Voskamp

Celebrating the seconds and minutes and hours and weeks, and prayerfully, the years that we get to love the ones given to us... It is the most awesome of privileges to embrace each moment, knowing how fleeting the time can be...

When we know we only get so much time — all our sacrifices are made into gifts that we get."  ~ Ann Voskamp

And loving is the sweetest gift of all...

In Grace tonight,

Love, Always,

Jane

Just Breathe...

Life gets hectic.

There can be so many demands on our time that we lose sight of the things we value most.

It's been happening to me more often lately... hard to reel in the time it seems...

And those demands?  Most are so good.  Family, Friends... A shoulder, a meal, a ride here, an evening out ,,,

But then some of those demands??  Some can squash the life right out of us...

Work loads, long hours, Snappy coworkers,

Clogged sinks, Colicky babies, Sick dogs.

Grocery shopping, Supper making, laundry sorting kinds of demands.

And those demands pale in comparison to the dictates of cancer... Cancer can make time disappear with an endless list.

Doctor appointments, medication pick-ups, chemo lab treatments, blood and x-ray work-ups, forcing the meals down, vomiting them up, ER visits, surgery schedules, bill paying, insurance arguing kinds of demands... and all the time we are waiting, and praying, and crying... watching the time slip away, helpless and angry and afraid.

This song.  It stopped me in my tracks today.  I needed to listen and be reminded.

Might you listen too, and be encouraged??   Just Breathe...

When our weary souls can take no more... He calls us to come and rest, in His presence the chaos stills...

and our hearts slow to the beat of Grace...

May you find Beauty in the stillness this night.  Praying His Love over the fear and pleading for Strength to rest in that Love no matter how the storm rolls on...

Always,
        Jane
 

Letting Go...to Hold On

"Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be.

Grieve the losses.

Then wash your face.  Trust God.

And embrace the life you have."

                                    ~ John Piper

There's this Tree...

 

Majestic old Cedar... gracing the field along our lake place...

 

Sun gilds it gold in the afternoon sun.

Graceful limbs bow down low...

 

And we think we have fallen just a smidgen in love with this old tree...

Not in the Tree-Hugger kind of way, 

not that there's anything wrong with hugging trees of course...

But...

There is something timeless about her vigil there along the path.

A vigil that our BullDozer man wasn't overly excited about.

As a matter of fact, he was ready to doze her down on several occasions.

We just kept saying no... leave her there.

But that old tree's in the way, he said, a junk tree out here in the pasture...

Shaking our heads, we don't care, insistence dogged our words.

We like her there.

BullDozer man rolls his eyes and points out the scars...

That old tree is weak, will probably blow down in the next storm,

Let me take it out now and save you the trouble of cleaning up the mess.

We walk around her, see where she's faced a battle or two...

 

 

We run our hands over the splintered wood, feel the storm.

BullDozer man is right, she has her scars...

But he's wrong about her being weak.

Lightning and wind have left their mark, but she holds her place right where she stands.

 

Damaged limbs re-learn to dance and graze the earth on their way back up to the sun.

There is nothing weak in that kind of strength...

So, he agrees to leave her be... I think he was mumbling, shrugging, swore I heard something about those crazy Tree Huggers... smile... and every time I drive past those swaying, ever-green branches, my heart sings, just a bit...

 

In life, each of our lives, there are storms...

 

We weather them the best we can.

The winds of fear beat us down, the bolts of searing pain leave us damaged.

Scarred.

We can still choose to stand...

and lift our broken hands up to the Son in persistent faith.

The light of Grace makes us strong to withstand even the fiercest storm.

"But he said to me,

'My grace is sufficient for you,

for my power is made perfect in weakness.'

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness,

so that Christ's power may rest on me."

                                                 II Corin. 12:9

If the storms of cancer have wreaked havoc in your life, may you find this to be so very true... His Grace is always, always sufficient for our needs...  This very weakness we wrestle with is a vessel to showcase His mighty power... the scars become beautiful when turned to the light of the Son.

Lifting you up, dear one, praying for the faith that moves mountains and gives peace that holds you close...

In Grace Always,

                           Jane

Little Dozers, Big Infernos and the summer that slipped away...

The first day of fall?

Today?

Shut the front door... Summer is officially over.   And it obviously happened when I wasn't looking, or paying attention.  Which has been pretty much my life lately.

I think it must have something to do with sweating out all the heaven-help-us,
100-plus-degree summer days clearing brush at the lake... yes, I'm pretty sure that and the 2-story bonfire of said brush roasted all my brain cells.

So, to catch everyone up...

Last December, we sold the farm.

This June we bought the lake place.

Since then we've been spending every spare minute dreaming (and sweating) and working on our new, very humble, almost can imagine it, homestead... that's my way of saying that we don't have a house yet. or water. or electricity... yet.

But we have cleared the trees!  And have a driveway. Sort of...

Would you like to see?

Ok, so these aren't the prettiest (unless you're a manly man and really, really like tearing things up with chainsaws and little dozers and then burning it all to the ground...)

But, the thing I'm learning about dreams is that they're kind of messy and definitely sweaty... and oh so hard.  And very, very, absolutely, most assuredly worth every blister, thorn, burn and skinned knee...

Stay with me... There will be pretty eventually. (We promise!)

And since it is actually the first day of fall.  Here's a perfectly perfect picture to end this dramatic and sweaty post :-)

 

Ok, now I'm ready to go pumpkin-pickin' and plant my mums...

 

May you enjoy the splendid beauty of autumn's advent, dear ones.

 

My Love,

Jane

Land Hunt... Treasure Found!

Here's our current State of the Union Address...

It's been 6 months since we packed up the farm and said goodbye to dirt roads, goat baby snuggles and quiet walks in the woods.

We have been on an exciting, roller-coaster journey ever since... many have followed the Hunt through thick and thin!  Lots of places to see and explore, miles of roads to cover with an abundance of pros and cons to weigh... to be honest, there were days when I tearfully feared we had made a huge mistake.  I desparately longed for the safety of our tree-lined drive and wanted nothing more than to head back home...

 

Our lowest point of the hunt was back earlier this spring.  Despite a torn rotator cuff, we spent the day with our realtor and found a place that whispered home to our hearts.

 

It was the last stop of the day and we fell in love.

 

But our hopes were dashed when we found out that the cost of running electricity to the 11 acre property was "astronomical" putting it squarely out of our reach...

 

Sad.  De-railed.  Not sure of our next steps... It is when fear took hold and was, oh, so very hard to shake. 

 

Just what did we think we were doing?  Maybe, possibly, we had mis-judged?  Time to re-group and get torn rotator cuffs repaired...

 

God graciously re-filled our cups and the dream flared bright... with recuperation of torn tendons came hours to spend pouring over maps and listings.  We drove endlessly, enjoying the advent of spring and countless stops at small town Dairy Queens for Blizzard breaks... 

 

And we kept coming back to our 11 acre paradise to see if anyone else had bought it. We were like crazy, land stalker people... smile...

 

We just couldn't shake it.  Nothing else we saw could compare... And I think maybe God had a plan.

 

He just had to convince us to trust Him.

 

Amazingly enough, the 11 acres remained on the market despite a lot of activity. 

 

And so... Last month we made an offer.  A low offer.  And held our breath. 

 

It felt a bit like we were standing on the edge of the high dive... scared, nervous, excited... How many times did we ask, "God, are you sure?" 

 

He was sure.

 

The offer was accepted without even a counter...

 

 

It's Ours!

 

 

 

Back at home, down tree-lined dirt roads...

 

 

 

Quiet walks under the sun dappled oak canopy...

 

 

 

Meandering Brushy Creek borders the property, just begging

the kayakers and fishermen to come play...

 

 

 

Wildlife abundant...

 

 

 

The banks of beautiful Lake Texoma bordering our southern boundary...

 

We closed on the property this past week and are still pinching ourselves.  Truly?  Ours?  Thanksgiving pouring freely...

 

Silly grins on our faces, pouring over log cabin designs and planning future family gatherings...

 

Oh, and the electric?  Still don't have it.  Yep...  And water?  Not that either... We took the plunge off that high dive with abandon.

 

Seems that this farmer family doesn't do easy...

 

We do Adventure.

We do Glorious.

We do Crazy very, very well...

 

But, oh, the joy it brings to our very souls.

 

 

 

Throwing Gratitude Heavenward for all Good Gifts.

Trusting the Gift-Giver for each step of the Journey ahead...

 

Giddy with Grace,

           Jane  

 

 

Death Begets Life...

 

May He bring Beauty from the depths of our Darkest Pain...

"Therefore if any man be in Christ,

he is a new creature:

old things are passed away;

behold, all things are become new."

                                II Corinthians 5:17

Look Out a Window...

It Might Be Hope.

Simply Love this.  The Music.  The Lyrics.  The Video.  The Message and Heart... 

This video was made for the Primary Children's Medical Center in Salt Lake City, Utah.  Although not specifically for pancreatic cancer, this is a beautiful tribute to those walking the valley road of medical crisis. 

Fighting.  Struggling.  Hurting.  Surviving.  Momma's and Daddies holding back the tears.  My heart aches to look into these sweet faces.  All who have been on this cancer journey know that ache...

Sometimes it feels like we've been down in the dark, here in this desolate place for such a long, long time.  Putting one foot in front of the other.  Doing the best we can... 

Oh, the words of this song speak Grace.

It Might Be Hope

(by Sara Groves)

You do your work the best that you can
You put one foot in front of the other
Life comes in waves and makes it’s demands
You hold on as well as your able

 

You’ve been here for a long long time

 

Hope has a way of turning it’s face to you
Just when you least expect it
You walk in a room
You look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself
It’s been a while since I felt this
But it feels like it might be hope

 

It’s hard to recall what blew out the flame
It’s been dark since you can remember
You talk it all through to find it a name
As days go on by without number

 

You’ve been here for a long long time

 

Hope has a way of turning it’s face to you
Just when you least expect it
You walk in a room
You look out a window
And something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself
It’s been a while since I felt this
But it feels like it might be hope.

 

Look around and see Hope turning its face towards you. 

 

Feel the moment deep that touches your heart, leaves you breathless...

 

...the tender curve of eyelashes brushing
the innocent cheeks of your sleeping child,
...the soft hint of a spring breeze whispering promise,
...the hand, rough and calloused, reaching to hold your own,
...the brilliance of an evening sunset drenched in unspeakable Glory...

It feels like it might be Hope.
 



 

Neither Rain, Nor Sleet, Nor Snow...

Nor Torn Rotator Cuffs...smile... The Hunt Continues...

Despite inclement weather and a gimpy husband, we have persevered in the journey!

This past month has taken us to backwoods peaceful and southern spectacular in the search for our next home place.  There is the tiniest thrill of anticipation as we wander the country roads and imagine ourselves settling down here or there.  And admittedly a tiny bead of anxiety as well, as we are still homeless, blessed by the sweet hospitality of my father and daughter, yet without even a blade of grass to call our own... at moments unsettling, but hope springing nonetheless  :-)

And so, here in no particular order are the highs and lows from this past month of dream-hunting...

Roger, the Realtor found a little cabin in the woods for us...near Lake Texoma on a few acres... Yes?

 

No...Not exactly the cabin we had pictured...

 

But what about this next one?

 

A Geodesic Dome overlooking the Lake... How cool is this?!

 

 

 

With amazing views!

 

 

 

...and a crumbling foundation perched on the edge of a ravine...

No.  Oh, so very cool, but No...

 

So on to a Gentleman's Hobby Farm that needs just a tad of elbow grease.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, ok, maybe a lot of elbow grease...

Farmer Husband shakes head and raises gimpy arm...

this Southern Plantation will have to depend on some other hardy soul to make it shine.

 

Never fear, Roger, leads us on...

 

 

 

11 acres in the middle of no-where!  We're intrigued!

 

 

 

Oh, the trees, the peace...

We stood still and listened to the Bird's song high above us...

We grinned, feels like home!

 

 

 

A hidden pond nestled among the trees...and still half-full despite the drought

Sanctuary for the wildlife that rustled all around!

 

 

 

Bordered by Brushy Creek and the wind whispering thru tall Cedar...

oh the possibilities!

 

 

 

Ahhhh.... Bliss for these country-starved farmers!

We hiked for an hour, tracing boundaries and soaking up the freedom.

 

That very night, in the dark, on our borrowed bed,

we made plans and wondered and dared to dream.

 

But something almost too good to be true?

Roger researched and dug deep and found the hitch...

no electric to the property...

 

But, we said, this is not an insurmountable thing, is it?

 

Not insurmountable, no.  Not if we were independently wealthy

(which of course we are not... goat herders are happy, and healthy, but not generally wealthy!)

 

Running electricity from the nearest pole (nearly 1/2 mile away)

would cost upwards of $40,000

 

Seriously?!  Who knew?!  This little piece of heaven just flew out of reach!

 

And yet, we know our limits...

and we're determined to be true to our goals.

Becoming over-extended in the pursuit of the dream will be

a trainwreck for this journey.

 

Even in the knowing, Dreams are dashed for awhile.

The smile wavers just a bit...

 

Thankfully, God knows our hearts,

And just when discouragement threatened to derail the journey,

we came upon these beauties munching in a neighboring yard...

 

 

 

 

Sometimes when you least expect it,

Hope has a way of sneaking up on you!

 

Praying your weekend is filled with Glimpses of Hope,

wherever your dreams take you!

 

In Grace Waiting,

                         Jane