It was November, 2010 that our world changed forever when mom was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. I believe the journey of grief began when the doctor uttered those solemn words.
We fought the truth as hard as we fought the ruthless claws of cancer. We lived in denial, we begged, we prayed... we experienced moments of extreme hope and horrible dark valleys of lost faith...we walked the path of grief during those twilight days of living. With each failed treatment and painful setback, the sorrow wore ruts into our very souls.
I have learned that this anguish is called Anticipatory Grief. And we were not alone in our struggle. Many, many others have sojourned this same path. We're not the first to stumble along its treacherous trail.
In our website, we share a little bit about this part of our journey with pancreatic cancer. It is hard, even now, for me to look back on those 12 months with mom and not relive the horror of that grief. As a Caregiver, it is doubly hard to tread a balance between offering comforting hope for our loved one while coping with the harsh reality of the disease progression. Knowing that our miracle will be an eternal one means we will face the agony of loss here in this place...
Sometimes the grief just swamps. The loss that is coming feels too heavy to bear. Impossible to smile through the searing pain.
And where do we find Grace in the midst of such anguish?
For us, it was found in mom's favorite scripture passage...and some sweet goat babies...
"The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me
in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever."
~ Psalm 23
There is a beautiful picture in my mind of the Lord as our shepherd. I know part of that comes from our life here on the farm... we too are shepherds of our very own flock...
We walk fences, protect from coyotes, feed and water no matter the weather, keep nanny-watch long into the midnight hour, and muck the stable daily. We rejoice in the bleating baby arrivals and mourn over the losses beyond our control. Our kids know our voices...come running joyful at the sound. And we know the ones that love to be scratched behind the ears... and the ones that always catch their horns in the gate.
It's our job as shepherds to watch over the flock and lead them to green pastures and still waters.
And I know that the care and love and protection we give our herd is nothing compared to the Shepherd Love of our Heavenly Father.
But in the beginning our Anticipatory Grief colored our world bleak. It was more like a deep, bottomless abyss than a mere shadow valley...
Learning to trust in the Shepherd Grace did not come easy. Through the mercy of time and a Gentle God, we began to notice a few things...
1. It is in the valley that the pasture is most lush and the rivers flow abundant, snow melt from beautiful mountain high. It was while we were in the valley with mom that we shared some of our most intimate and precious times. The love flowed deep and hearts were soothed. If not for this time in the valley, when all the inconsequential and trivial fell away, I fear we would never have experienced the Sweet Blessings of Living in the Moment with Mom...
2. It is thru the valley that we must walk to reach higher ground. For mom, she is there. Living life complete on that Breathtaking Mountain High, safe with her Shepherd Father, and filled with a Peace that passes our understanding. We are not there, quite yet. But we can see it...that Place of Eternal Grace that beckons hard. We can set our hearts at rest in the knowing that the shadow valley gives way to Life Everlasting in the Light of His Love...
3. It is because of the valley that we learn to trust a Faithful Shepherd. He is able to meet our needs, provide comfort and guide us unerringly through the dark days. If we lived only and always on the mountaintop, we would never know the Strength of His Love as The Good Shepherd, nor would we truly understand the heartache of those traveling their own shadow valley. Because of our own experiences we can come alongside and share Grace, and Comfort, and Encouragement...
The Journey of Grief is different for each of us. And so too the shadow valleys we must walk.
But Grace is there to meet us in the midst of the anguish. Let Him hold you close and carry you a spell. He will you know... He loves you that much...
Graced to walk the Shadow Valley with the Shepherd of the Mountain High. His Light reaches even the darkest corners of our Grief, dispelling the fear and the pain of our worst nightmares. Always.
May you find His Love Sufficient to Protect and Cover you with Peace this night,
You are so Precious to him.
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