How can it be 10 years?

Time can stand still and yet rush by in an instant... it's a truth many cancer patients and their families struggle with.

10 years ago this month we spent our last Christmas with mom.

We just didn't know it.

The smiles speak to the happiness captured as we ringed mom and dad
in front of their Christmas tree that day.

If I close my eyes I can almost reach out and touch her shoulder.

The decade past has not dimmed the light nor the love we feel.

But, seriously, how can it be 10 years?

We had just learned of mom's pancreatic cancer diagnosis the month before and were still processing the implications, settling into a chemotherapy regimen, and getting our bearings.

That Christmas celebration was sweet, yet filled with so many unspoken questions.

We had no way of knowing how hard the battle would become as we smiled for the camera.

       .Mom fought with grace and grit for the entire next year

But the cancer fought harder and in the most cruel of ironies, pancreatic cancer took her from us just weeks before the following Christmas.

We miss mom every day, and so much more even, if that is possible, during this special season of Christmas.

"Mom loved Christmas.  As a matter of fact, as she faced her 1st Year Canciversary, she insisted on decorating the house before Thanksgiving... which was early even by her standards!  She said she just wanted to enjoy the season as long as possible... I wonder if she knew down deep that her days were dwindling.

It puts an ache in my heart to remember walking back into their home the Sunday she passed away, December 4th, to see the Christmas lights twinkling and the ornaments hanging just the way she had placed them... for us.  I know that if she hadn't decorated that tree when she did, we would never have had the strength to do it... But each day of that first December, as we planned a funeral and wrote her obituary, and accepted flowers and food and sweet hugs, the house sparkled with her special touch.  It was small, but it was the nudge I believe she knew we would need...

Keep on Living. Don't forget to Celebrate.

Make. Every. Day. Count."

~ excerpt from Grief and the Holidays

  My Love, Always,

Jane

This Christmas...

Wherever you find yourself this Christmas season,

may you find Grace right there in the midst of

the grief and the joy...

It's the message, beautiful and sacred, the angels proclaim...

this tiny baby born, as shepherds and wise men rejoice,

has come to face the grief of a cross.

A grief that is broken with a Resurrection
that brings the dead to life.

Graced to celebrate this Holy Season with joy midst the grief,
for He has come to proclaim the good news,
bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release the prisoner from darkness. 
                                                         ~ Isaiah 61:1

That is Hope and Blessing Abundant for this grieving daughter...

Sending My Love this Christmas,
Always,
    Jane

An Empty Chair at the Table...

Thanksgiving... in the midst of grieving... a hard grace to find gratitude when our hearts feel such a keen loss.

We have worked on Thanksgiving menus right alongside the planning of Dad's Memorial service.

It would seem that there is no slowing down time, nor stopping the world's spinning... Thanksgiving came whether we wanted to celebrate or not... This morning dawned grey, cold and rainy... kind of matched our mood to be honest.

Dean and Lisa graciously offered up their lake place for the gathering and the house filled up fast.

It's a testament to this family that there were more smiles than tears today!  Poppy would have been proud... and eaten way too much turkey!

There is a healing in spending time together.  A deep gratitude for the love of family and the gift of sharing the heartache as well as the joy.

The smiles were genuine.  The peace settling sure and sweet.

A Thanksgiving without Poppy came too fast... the Empty Chair at our Thanksgiving table was a painful reminder of all we have lost this season.  And I know we are not alone.

A dear friend sent me the following Thanksgiving poem earlier today.  It makes the rounds on social media every year during this hallowed season, but this year it is especially poignant for us:

So many have lost loved ones and struggle hard with the missing and the grieving every single day.  Holidays can add a layer of hurt that compounds the pain a thousand-fold.

This simple prayer turns us back to the One who is able to comfort our hearts when nothing else can.

The Psalmist speaks it well and offers a hope to sustain our faith when our grief seems impossible to bear:

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
that I would see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord;

Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!

                                      Psalm 27:13-14

God just smacked me upside the head and reminded me that He is here with us in the land of the living... just waiting to reveal His goodness.  Yes, even in the midst of the grieving and the loss... He has never left us.

The giving of Thanks begins when we open our eyes to every good gift from His hands.  And today was a very, very good gift.

My Love,

Always,

         Jane

There's an Empty Chair...

How do you celebrate this Holy season when loss leaves you hollowed out and hurting?  Sometimes it's just so painful.  For those who are struggling with an empty chair at their table, may you feel my love stretched across the miles. It's hard.

Grief and the Holidays.  Much has been written through the years.  Might I share just a few more words?  Alexandra Rosas...she has felt the sting of grief... losing her nephew earlier this year and her mother just a few years before... Alexandra is navigating the minefield of loss while choosing to hold familiar traditions for her family.  She speaks to the heart of all that is broken for the grieving...

"It just feels wrong to celebrate, as if you're ignoring their absence.  It also feels wrong to dwell on their loss, especially when you have children at home.  What you want is for the ones you love to be around you.

After my nephew's death in January, I began to see a grief counselor.  Last week, I asked her for advice on how to navigate the coming holiday season.  I told her I wanted to avoid the whole thing altogether, as the sorrow has just knocked the wind out of me.

She put into words what I couldn't, explaining that the loss I felt, besides the obvious grief, was also a break in a pattern  She noted how the holidays make glaring the reality and permanency of the losses I've experienced.  It's not limbo anymore - it's right there in the empty chairs.  It tells me they are gone, and won't be coming back.

'You can't go around this.  You'll have to face it head on.  You'll have crushing moments, but you'll have memories too.  You can push it all away for now,' she said, 'but it will come back again until you live through it.  The manner in which you spend the holidays won't change the ache of loss.'

I'm still not sure how we're going to handle the next few weeks. All I know is that we have to bravely make our way through it all without stopping the tears or the laughter in those wonderful memories.

We will survive this first season without them, feeling so very fortunate to have loved them so much."

~ excerpt from Alexandra Rosas' Empty Chairs


Tears and Laughter, truly we have been fortunate to have loved so much ... that is grace for the grieving this season.

Praying for each one that is facing an empty chair at the table this coming week.  And trusting in the One who loves us too much to leave us alone in the valley of loss.

That baby in the manger... he is all about lighting our path and bringing us safely home where the table will never be empty and our broken hearts will be made whole.

My Love, Always,
                        Jane

When the Holidays are colored in Loss...

Losing a loved one during the holiday season changes things...

It's been 3 weeks since Leroy's mom passed away.  The missing comes in waves... Christmas will be so very different this year.

She has been the Rock of our family for as long as I can remember, quiet and faithful, the hub around which we gathered.

Yes, Christmas will be different... the beauty of the season somehow feels at odds with the grief we're wading through.

Tonight we spent time reminiscing over faded photographs.  Seeing her smiling face brought back precious memories... and tears... but happy tears because of the love we see shining back at us.

We have been very loved... and blessed.  Very, very Blessed.

Mildred Alice

June 7, 1931 - December 1, 2017

Loved, Cherished, Remembered

Always Loved!

You make saying Goodbye so hard...

Winnie the Pooh had it right.

Some people make it so hard to say Goodbye...

If you're celebrating this Mother's Day with a hole in your heart, perhaps missing a mom gone too soon or missing the child you never got to hold in your arms, then know that you are not alone.

For the child in us missing our moms,

For the moms in us missing our babies...

Might we lift up hands of gratitude

even as tears fall,

How lucky we are to have had someone

in our lives that made

saying Goodbye so hard!

Missing and Loving 

go hand in hand...

Wishing all the Moms out there

the Happiest of Mother's Days.

May the Laughter be sweet

and the Smiles be tucked forever in our hearts!

My Love, Always,

                   Jane

It's Ok to "Lean Out" this Christmas...

Every now and then a word can bring peace to a troubled soul...

And if you are feeling the weight of this special season {and not the magic}, then perhaps Laura's story from over at The Grief Toolbox will resonate just a bit:

When It's Not 'The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.' 

"Ten years ago, while grieving the sudden loss of my father, I decided to actively avoid the build-up leading to Christmas. Thanksgiving had nearly done me in, and I couldn’t handle an entire month of cheer accompanying another grief milestone.

My plan? Avoid the mall. Or any store that might play Christmas music. Only buy presents for my immediately family. No wrapping — just gift bags. Don’t open any mail that looked like a Christmas card. Don’t decorate. Definitely don’t watch any Christmas movies. And for the love, avoid any and all versions of “The Christmas Shoes” at all costs.

My plan worked for about a day. But then my coworkers started listening to Christmas music at their desks. I started receiving e-mails about holiday parties. The stores below my loft were decked out with tinsel and lights. Everyone else was leaning way in to the magic of the season, and I could hardly breathe. What was once my favorite time of year slowly but surely threatened to destroy me.

My grief and depression didn’t manifest itself as sadness. At least, not all the time. It mostly manifested itself as a blackout rage.

The month of December made me furious. For the first time in my life, it was not “the most wonderful time of the year.” It was a mirror, reflecting everything I’d lost.

Every gift from my secret Santa was a reminder that I had one less person to shop for. Every Christmas card a reminder that my family had a gaping hole that would never be filled. Every party was hours of torture for me, trying to appear festive and light while swimming in darkness. I hated it.

Every minute of it.

For many of our friends and family, the holiday season will be the final highlight of a year that included unimaginable joy: a wedding, a birth, a promotion, an exciting new chapter in life. And for just as many, the new chapters might be painful: an illness, a divorce, depression, grief or death.

There are times when “leaning in” to the holidays really can help change your mindset. You fake holiday cheer long enough and eventually you experience the real thing. If that has worked for you, wonderful! I’ve done that, too, and I’ll honestly do quite a bit of that this year.

But for some of us, December might be the most painful month we’ve experienced in an already painful year. It might feel as if there’s nothing worth celebrating, and we’ll feel guilty, feeling like we’re dragging others down. The contrast of joy around us and despair within us will be too confusing. Too bittersweet. Too devastating.

For some of us, this might be the one holiday season in our lives we simply can’t handle. If that’s true for you or someone you love, my message is this: it’s OK to “lean out” this year.

• You don’t have to decorate your house or put up a tree.
• You don’t have to send holiday cards.
• You don’t have to accept any holiday party invitations.
• You don’t have to buy presents.
• You don’t have to honor family traditions.
• You don’t have to be festive and cheerful.
• You don’t have to succumb to the pressure to make the season magical for everyone else.

Your one job this year is to make it through the season.

Maybe that means December just looks like any other month. Maybe that means you only accept a few holiday invites instead of over-scheduling yourself. Maybe you forgo gift giving and instead volunteer your time. Maybe you reach out to someone else who is hurting, and you quietly acknowledge the season together. Maybe you schedule a vacation and spend the holidays in a new city. If you are religious, maybe this is the year you strip the season down to its origin.

It’s OK to simplify. It’s often crucial to simplify.

This holiday season might just be one painful struggle after another. And it’s OK to acknowledge that and operate accordingly.

It might not be “the most wonderful time of the year,” but you will get through it. And there will be the promise of a new year."

~ Laura Coward, The Mighty

Yes... this magical time of the year isn't always the most wonderful, especially for those walking their own grief out.

Praying we can all be gentle with each other as we navigate this minefield of loss and pain.  God chose to enter into our lives during the darkest of nights in the most lowly of places... he understands our dark and heartache.  And He comes to give us Hope.

May you feel loved wrapped around you this night.

There is Grace enough for this too, Always,
                                                          Jane

Dead people and flowers...

Ok... so there's this quote by Anne Frank...

"Dead people receive more flowers than living ones

because regret is stronger than gratitude."

                                                  ~ Anne Frank

And it's true, perhaps.  But it rankles.  Because I read it on the day we took mom her Christmas Poinsettias...

at the beautiful Columbarium that she and dad picked out...

And we remembered her, like it was just today that we'd said good-bye...

... and how she loved Christmas and had decorated the house weeks and weeks early, like she knew she might not make it to see the celebration...

And we wept.

The heart cracking open to grieve fresh.  Because the missing was like a living thing... and we longed for her hug and to hear her voice and... we didn't want to be here, in this beautiful place, reaching out to touch the glass wall, remembering the day we took the picture of her smiling for the camera ... sitting quietly amidst the memories, while inside, our spirits wailed with hurt and grief.  And missing.

And yes, Anne Frank, we brought flowers.  Her favorite Christmas flowers.  Soft red poinsettias.  Not out of regret.

I realize that now... not regret, Anne Frank, but for the honoring of her.  Because they were her favorite flower for the Christmas season...

and it connects us somehow.  As she decorated her home during the yuletide with beauty while living, so we "decorate" her memory in death.  With gratitude.  So much gratitude... for how she lived life full of grace and joyful in love.   And how we reaped the blessings of her life...

Those blessings became her legacy for those of us living still.  Yes, the grieving will continue until the day we gather together again on heaven's shores... but for today, for this day, we choose to bring flowers and gather at the place where we can honor her memory...

...with gratitude.  And love.

I know for many there are regrets that weigh heavy.  Words not spoken in time.  Harsh words spoken in haste.

Visits not made, and relationships begging restoration.

We are not immune.  Regrets can haunt.  Especially during this hallowed time of year.  Yet there can be a choosing, an intentional turn towards gratitude.

An opening of our hearts, cracked with grief, to the possibility of Hope beyond the grave...

It is the beauty of this season, marked with Joy, written in Love...

"For to us a child is born,

to us a son is given,

and the government will be on his shoulders.

And he will be called Wonderful Counselor,

Mighty God, Everlasting Father,

Prince of Peace."

         ~ Isaiah 9:6

No matter the regrets, or hurts or pain we are journeying through...the Christ-Child Redeemer will be our Mighty God who is strong enough for all our weakness, our Wonderful Counselor in times of fear, the Everlasting Father who holds us when we fall, and the Prince of Peace for our hearts grieved sore.

So, yes...bring flowers!  With Gratitude.  And in so doing, pay honor to the memories of Love and the Blessings received...

Carried by the Grace of Thanksgiving and Remembering this night, Always,

                                                                 Jane

Grief and the Holidays...

Everyone that has lost a loved one knows the pain of journeying through the holidays... there is no easy answer to the grief that tears the heart.  Facing the empty place at each festive table, missing the cherished smile and laughter that accompanied each treasured tradition, hurting through a time that once was joyous but now only emphasizes the sorrow of our loss...

No easy answer.

And no right answer...

For our family, we have found that meshing new traditions with favored past-times has eased us through the grief that threatens to overwhelm at this most Holy time of year.

We miss mom every day, and so much more even, if that is possible, during this special season of Christmas.

Mom loved Christmas.  As a matter of fact, 3 years ago, as she faced her 1st Year Canciversary, she insisted on decorating the house before Thanksgiving ... which was early even by her standards!  She said she just wanted to enjoy the season as long as possible... I wonder if she knew down deep that her days were dwindling.

It puts an ache in my heart to remember walking back into their home the Sunday she passed away, December 4th, to see the Christmas lights twinkling and the ornaments hanging just the way she had placed them... for us.  I know that if she hadn't decorated that tree when she did, we would never have had the strength to do it... But each day of that first December, as we planned a funeral and wrote her obituary, and accepted flowers and food and sweet hugs, the house sparkled with her special touch.  It was small, but it was the nudge I believe she knew we would need...

Keep on Living, Don't Forget to Celebrate...Make. Every. Day. Count...

And so... that cruise we had planned to celebrate her 1st Year Canciversary... well, it never happened.  Bruised our spirits hard, it did.  She so wanted to go.  God had other plans.  And we grieved.  And walked through dark days.  And even in that grief, Dad talked about their cruise...  And we planned... And we went... in honor of mom.

 

And we found that the cruise gave us leave to celebrate what we thought we had lost...

Life and Love and Laughter.

And so cruising has become our new Christmas tradition.  One the whole family embraced this past week...

All 23 of us!  We filled up 10 cabins on the NCL Jewel.  Yes we did!   And had so much fun that it was almost illegal... We ate, we laughed, we swam, we relaxed, we loved, we lived... such Grace that brought us to this place.  Mom is surely smiling her approval... Words cannot express the treasure... perhaps a few pictures??

 Formal night... in Black and White!

 

 And Crazy Fun... in Belize and the Sun!

 

We ate...

And we played...

And played...

 

 And played... Scavenger Hunt, Cruise Style, Don't Ask!

 

Poppy got hugs! Lots of hugs!

 And learned all about selfies!

 

We played on the beaches of Honduras...

 

And chased the surf in Trujillo!

 

Cozumel Cliff-side Paradise...

 

to Rooftop Beach Bungalows...

the views were awesome!

But best of all, we were all together...

 

Poppy and all his grands and great-grands!

 

It just doesn't get much sweeter!

Mom would be so proud...

This past week has filled our hearts to overflowing,

and made this Christmas one to treasure.

New Christmas Traditions for our Family to Celebrate...

Might it be that God in His infinite wisdom has placed such a sweet desire in our hearts to draw us closer to family... and closer to Him.

So whether it's an Old Tradition that we do to preserve sacred memories,

or New Traditions that embrace a life so well lived...

we can allow Christmas to be the Gift it was always meant to be.

for Christmas is the Christ-child,

born to reunite the lost...

drawing us into family, to a deeper love

thru a Grace we can only begin to fathom...

Merry Christmas from our family to yours,

May the Blessings of this Holy Day fill your hearts all year long...

My Love Always,

                                                                                Jane