Do Overs...

There is a question that we get asked often...

 

Would you change anything if you had the journey to do over?

 

Such a difficult, tender topic.  I can only speak from our personal experience and hope that the words make sense to the ones needing answers for the horrific decisions they are being asked to make.  Pancreatic Cancer doesn't play fair, nor is there a play book to follow, no right or wrong way to feel...each journey uniquely woven into the lives of all who love them...

 

The following excerpt from a recent note speaks to just how devastating and difficult those decisions can be...

My mother just turned 70, never sick a day in her life, she went in the hospital for the removal of her gallbladder and did not feel any relief from the nausea she had been having. She came home two days ago after spending three weeks in the hospital. She has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with mets to her liver. We are heart broken, and as I sit reading your journey I cry . We have not seen an oncologist yet but I know my mother is questioning to whether it will be worth it. My sister and I are nurses, and I have seen worse things than death.  I struggle with what is worse, a painful treatment or the early loss of my mother. If you had the journey to do over, would you have changed anything?

Dear Heart Broken One,

Thank you for your sweet note, and oh, I feel your heartache. There is nothing easy about this diagnosis. Please know that you are not alone. I so remember exactly what you are feeling. Mom's journey with pancreatic cancer was at once the most difficult thing and the most "graced" thing that we have ever gone through. I can honestly say, now looking back, that we were given a gift of time with her. Do I wish we had never heard the word pancreatic cancer - absolutely!!! I could live a thousand lifetimes and not go through the pain and anguish with her again. But because of mom's strength and attitude, we were blessed to delve deeper, love tighter and treasure completely. I would never give that up...

Would we have done anything differently? Such a hard question. You're a nurse, so you understand much more of the medical journey than most. Mom was a nurse too, and she accepted from almost the day of her diagnosis that she was terminal. But... she also was very willing to embrace treatment, and as you can see thru the website, she endured chemo and radiation. And I don't say that lightly. She truly suffered thru much of the treatment. There were days, especially at her sickest, that she was ready to stop all treatment. And we, her family, could only agree. It was beyond difficult to watch the chemo and radiation ravage her body. However, the side effects would invariably lighten, and then mom's optimistic spirit would rise and the laughter would bubble up from somewhere deep and off we'd go... We believe that the treatments gave us that year with mom. Her initial prognosis was only 3-6 months. So, no, she would not have changed a thing about her treatment (this I know, because we talked about it often!)

The one thing I would have changed (my brothers too) is we wish we could have talked her into going down to MD Anderson Hospital in Houston, TX. We all live in the Dallas area. She had great doctors here, but we always thought that maybe a top-notch cancer hospital (a.k.a. MD Anderson) might have given her some options not available here. We will never know, and she chose to have her treatment here at home so she could be surrounded by her family, her grandchildren and her friends. Having that emotional support is really almost as important as the medical, so we have come to accept that that was part of her journey, and it was her journey. I have learned that respecting those wishes are paramount to finding peace in this nightmare of cancer fall-out.

And here is the thing that none of us would change...The time that we spent with mom and dad after her diagnosis. The cancer diagnosis striped out all the superficial and trivial problems of daily living and let us focus on our relationship and building memories. The love was abundant, so were the tears, but none of us have any regrets. Our grief now is tempered by the blessings of that last year. Her smiles, her laughter, her words of endearment - all are tucked away in our hearts. We had time to wrestle with the tough stuff - and no, we didn't do it all at once. The past year was a roller coaster, but the treasure was in having the moments, and knowing they were the "moments". And that was the Grace Gift.

I am not sure if this makes sense at all... you have touched on such a tender topic. One that I know many families wrestle with. And there is no one right answer. We pray.  We wrestle.  We hush.  We listen...  And somewhere along the way find the strength to take the next step...

I am trusting in a Sovereign God to light your path and show you each step for the journey ahead. May you find there is always Grace enough for each day,

Always,
            Jane