Trusting God when it's Dark...

 I don't know who might need to see this, but...

Sleep in peace tonight,

God is in Control.

Fear No More...

Sometimes a song can just speak the words we can't find.

Building 429 has nailed it with one of their newest releases, Fear No More... the lyrics stopped me in my tracks the other day.  Speaking a genuine hope over the pain of our cancer journey. We have it on replay here at the lake.

It means even more after hearing the story behind the song...

Those lyrics, the reason this one song has rung truth for me... Cancer has a way of stripping away all the superficial, the inconsequential and trivial things in our lives and makes us face the hard questions... each verse is a glimpse of our struggle, the answers to our cry when it was all out of our hands...

VERSE 1

I'm wishing I could see the finish line

Where this ends, where it lands

Guess I lost my vision when the pain set in.

PRE-CHORUS

Can I believe

When I don't see

Can I really let it be

Out of my hands

When it's out of my hands

CHORUS

This isn't what I'd choose

But it's where I'm finding you

When I'm broken and undone

Your mercy's just begun

You overcome my doubt

Your hands are reaching out

You hold me through the storm

And I will fear no more.

VERSE 2

Can't look into the future but

I know where you have been

Before me, after and always within

PRE-CHORUS

Can I believe

When I don't see

Can I really let it be

Out of my hands

When it's out of my hands

CHORUS

This isn't what I'd choose

But it's where I'm finding you

When I'm broken and undone

Your mercy's just begun

You overcome my doubt

Your hands are reaching out

You hold me through the storm

And I will fear no more.

BRIDGE

I'm not giving up

I'm giving in

To what You've planned

For Your Glory

CHORUS

This isn't what I'd choose

But it's where I'm finding you

When I'm broken and undone

Your mercy's just begun

You overcome my doubt

Your hands are reaching out

You hold me through the storm

And I will fear no more.

Might you be encouraged this night, for it is true... when we are broken and undone, His mercy has just begun... we need fear no more.

All My Love, Always,
Jane

Happy Sunday!

From here...

to

here!

Today has been a good day...

So grateful to be home.

Graced to watch him shuffle around his house

with that happy smile.

Gratitude rising from bended knee this day.

My Love, Always,

                      Jane

And here we are...

Back in the ER...

Dad has struggled with days of fatigue, a worsening cough, and lungs that refuse to behave.  This has led us to back to familiar ground. 

But this time no pneumonia.  Cheers!

Just a complicated, frustrating, overwhelmingly intense COPD flare-up.  The kind where panic is written with each labored breath.

Grateful beyond measure that I just happened to be spending the night, but still reeling from the jarring, disorienting wake-up as dad called for me, past midnight, hoarse and frantic.  By the time I reached him, his lungs were closing, and his eyes spoke fear, suffocating and real.

As we rushed thru the darkened night to the closest ER, minutes, precious minutes, passed as dad struggled to hold on, the hissing of the oxygen tanks competing with the distressed wheezing of each ragged breath.

I found myself breathing with him... desperately willing oxygen into his starved lungs.

No prayers would come... Just Jesus, please.  Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus

And He was there.

I realized much later that His name was prayer in and of itself.  These times when our heartache, our cries, our desperation are the call He longs to answer... our groanings are the prayers spoken long and deep without words... just our broken, sobbing, mess of need...

And He hears.

"God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along.  If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.  He knows us far better than we know ourselves... and keeps us present before God."

                                       ~ Romans 8:26-27, The Message

Jesus.  His name is all we need.  No, there wasn't a miraculous healing in that moment.  Dad's damaged lungs remained scarred and stiff.  But a Calm descended and from somewhere it steadied my voice and stressed commands gave way to soothing encouragement.  His breathing slowed and his eyes closed as he concentrated on the next breath...and the next...

There was a Presence that held us together.  And I know now it was His arms holding us close. 

Dad isn't out of the woods, but he is resting and breathing more comfortably in Room 201.   

Jesus.  Breathing His name in prayer.  And continuing to lift up Dad as the doctors tend his fragile lungs and give comfort in the days ahead...

Graced to call on the name of Jesus this day, for He promises always to meet us in our deepest need.

Always,

           Jane

Do It Now

May there be no regrets at the end of this journey,,,

From my heart to yours...  {go live your best life}

Take that leap, cross the bridge, open your arms in spite of fear,

speak your heart, trust His plan...

and do it now, because sometimes later becomes... never

Journeying with Gratitude this day...

     ~ for second chances
     ~ for sunny skies
     ~ for a father who loves me
     ~ for doctors and nurses who work their craft with wisdom and compassion
     ~ for joy and hope in the midst of struggle
     ~ for family who hold the line when all around crumbles

Choosing Now over Never...

                                        My Love, Always,
                                                                Jane

Sitting in His Sovereignty

Sometimes a week can just suck the life right out of you...

Maybe you've been there.  We have.  These past days have been trying.

A beloved pet... gone too soon.

A investment soured... bankruptcy updates not what we had hoped.

A care-giving trial... dad's health and frustrations simmer low and long.

And in the midst of the hard, we saw this video-story of Chloe:

... beautiful, beautiful, tear-soaking, heart-lifting story.  I needed this story.  Now.  In the middle of our hurting. And whether you are struggling with infertility or cancer, or loss or heartache, we can be reminded, completely and utterly, that God's Love and Sovereignty over our lives has not changed, nor will it ever... even despite a week like this one past of woes and worries and weeping.

And so...

We choose to Sit in His Sovereignty.

We choose to lift our tear-stained faces to Him.

We choose to proclaim our worship

to the One whose love is better than life...

Even on the hard days.

Graced to lift heavy hands today, because we have seen His Power and Glory,

Always,

       Jane

Rest Sweetly in Peace

our little Petie...

You were loved mightily!

2004-2016

It will be enough...

I need you to be OK with never knowing why Cancer chose me...

 and not trying to explain the reason why this happened to me...

Early on in mom's cancer journey we became just a little consumed with the Why of it all... nearly drove us insane.  But here she was... healthy, fit, rarely sick a day in her life, and then... cancer.  And not just any cancer... this was pancreatic cancer, deadly, terminal, heartbreaking.

Somewhere along the way, Mom finally made "peace" with the beast.  She drew us all near and shared this truth...It is your solidarity as you stand with me in the fight against this cancer beast that will mean the most to me... not your explanations and rationalizing the 'whys' and 'how comes' this cancer is knocking down my door.

It reminded me of Job...Old Testament...devastating journey... a book of Why's...and Not Fair's...

For those who aren't familiar with the story of Job, here's my 0-to-60 version in a nutshell:

Job was a good man. He loved God.  Disaster struck.  He wished to Die.  Yet, Refused to curse God.  But asked Why a million times.  God spoke Loud.  Job Remembered and Surrendered to God's wisdom. God Restored.  Job remained Blessed.

 Ok... that might be really condensed... like maybe there's more to the story... So, yes, here's the rest...

Job was a good man and righteous in the eyes of God.  He lived a good life, had a wonderful family, and was the best rancher in the land with lots of sheep and camels and oxen.  One day, up in the heavens, Satan argued with God that Job was only good because God had blessed him so abundantly.  His challenge was stark, give me permission to test him, saying that if Job lost all these things, he would turn and curse God...

God allows Satan to torment Job and in the course of 24 hours, he loses not only all his livestock and servants, but all ten of his precious children to horrific disasters.  Job tears his clothes and mourns in agony, but still he blesses God.

Not finished, Satan strikes Job bodily with boils and sores so that he would wish for death.  And yet, Job continues to bless God as he struggles to accept his circumstances.  From an anguished heart he speaks, "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" (Job 2:10)

His wife, in the pangs of grief herself, tells Job to curse God and die...the bitterness of her pain is palpable...

Job's 3 friends weren't much better, basically accusing Job of hidden sin for which he was being "punished." Their well-meaning but thoughtless advice only intensified Job's misery.

What a nightmare...Job spends much of the Book working through what's happening and asking "why".

And finally... finally... God appears.

He speaks with Job.  And His voice thunders...

God speaks of who He is and what He's done.  Job's heart and head bow in abject sincerity, acknowledging God's great might and power.

 Job has been given an answer... not the one he was expecting, but one much more important.

He claims with boldness in Job 42:2   "I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted."  Out of the storm, God has revealed Himself... Job is struck anew with the glory of His almighty presence... God is alive, He is mighty, He cares beyond a doubt, and God, surely, is capable of all things.

Then God gave back to Job twice what he had before.  And God blessed the last part of Job's life even more than the first part...

And that's the story of Job.

I have always loved that God came to Job in his misery and spoke to him... God spends so much time telling Job who He is and what He's done.  It never occurred to me until mom was journeying with cancer, and we were asking why, to see the things that God didn't tell Job...

He didn't tell Job why everything was happening to him.  We, of course, knew the "back-story" of how Satan had challenged God for permission to test him, but Job certainly didn't know that, nor did God deem it necessary to share that with Job.

Job asked why and God didn't tell him. Period.

God chose to answer Job with a magnificent description of who He is.  But not with why He allowed all these things to happen.

God chose to display His awesome power.  But not to disclose His future plans for Job.

And Job found that it was enough.

All the through the storm Job struggled.  He longed to believe God was still good.  That Jehovah was still in control.  That He was still a loving God.  The struggle was monumental.  Job continued to praise, but the questions... he agonized with God...

And God Almighty met Job with Himself... His Power...His Majesty...

Job found that it was enough.

God still meets us with Himself today.  Our struggles, the very real questions, the torment and the pain of not knowing why.

And He tells us His power is greater than our need.  Always.

Might we remember this day that we are loved completely by a good God.  And He remains steadfast and good even when we suffer unimaginable pain and grief.

He is there.  He is in control.  He is all powerful.  He loves us.  Always.

It is enough..


Previous                                                                                          Next

51 Ways

When life's storms bow us low...and we say that this is NOT the life I ordered...what can we do as the weight of the sorrow, the panic and the pain bends our knees?

Bow low...Bend the knee...Weep the hurt....Seek His Face....Pray

Prayer

 

Prayer.  A Life Line... to the sinking, the ones crushed under the weight of Life's Journey.

 

It is what came first for us when mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  Prayer.  Agonizing, Weeping, Wordless Prayers... and we knew our Creator heard, for...

 

"God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along.  If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter.  He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.  He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God.  That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."

                                        Romans 8:26  The Message

 

And I am not a theologian.  Nor a Bible scholar.  But I believe.

 

I believe in a God who loves me at my darkest. (Romans 5:8)

 

I believe in a God who summons me by name. (Isaiah 45:3)

 

I believe in a God who loves me so much (John 3:16) that He sees my tears (Psalm 56:8) and hears my cry (Psalm 34:15) and rescues me. (II Peter 2:9)

 

I believe in a God who has a plan for me...a plan to prosper and not harm, a plan to give a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

 

I believe in a God who invites me to come to Him for soul rest. (Matthew 11:28)

 

And I believe in a God who wants so very much to have communion with me.   (I Corninthians 1:9)   With me...so unclean, so unworthy...and yet, so passionately loved.

 

God wants conversation with me...just because I am His Beloved...

 

Sweet, Blessed Prayer

 

I wish my feeble tongue could better express the beauty of Prayer, the gift that it is.

 

Prayer takes me through the trial to the very Throne of Grace.  It Moves my eyes from the crisis at hand to the Christ whose Hand moves mountains

 

Somehow, someway, Prayer lifts the burden of the here and allows me to see straight thru to the Heart of God.  A God who Loves Me and knows my sorrows. 

 

A God who offers a Future and a Hope... Yes, that's the Glory of Prayer.  Raising us from our knees to a Life Lived Well in Him.

 

Prayer Graces Always,

                                 Jane

 

 

Peggy's on the Line

It's been a few days since I've checked in... All's well! Guess we've been out living life instead of writing about it :) But really, I have to be honest, it's all my internet's fault. It's been spitting and sputtering at me for the last 3 days. We are in a love/hate relationship right now. I've tried to keep my feelings bottled up. But they spilled over when "Peggy" answered the technical support line. Things did not go well... I'm typing fast, because you never know when our fragile connection will be severed by the fickle wi-fi box.

So, here's the update. Fast...

Mom has felt really good all week. You go, steroids and marinol! Her appetite is so much better! No vomiting and barely a touch of nausea. Pain under ribcage is still somewhat a bother, but pain meds are keeping her comfortable.

Yesterday was pampering day at the spa... Ahhhhh.... Such indulgence. A bit of shopping and Olive Garden for dinner. Good day.

Today was our weekly appointment with Dr. Davis and chemo. Mom's good friend and neighbor, Pat, came along and helped us laugh the afternoon away. It would have been mom's 3rd round in this cycle, however her platelets were again too low (77). But, Hallelujah, her tumor marker was lower too! Down to 282. Making progress. Other blood work was within norms, but with platelets so low, Dr. Davis called off chemo this week and she just got fluids, Decadron and Kytril. Good combination. We will start a new cycle of Gemzar next Thursday. He was also unruffled by the increase in mom's pain. He doesn't feel it's the cancer spreading, more likely some "irritation" from the stent in her bile duct. Will be watching it carefully, but relieved for now.

Also, good news, for all you weight watchers out there. Her weight gain has been steady and she is now back in the triple digits! Yea! And to continue the trend, we stopped at Central Market today and picked up all sorts of delectable treats. Pumpkin bars, cranberry muffins, russian black bread, lingonberry jelly, bread pudding and creamy mac-n-cheese. Please don't call the nutrition police. We know it's an odd assortment, but it all packed calories and yumminess. We'll get healthy tomorrow and eat our greens!

Of course, I may be eating chocolate, especially if this internet crisis lasts much longer! I have pics to upload from these past days, but the computer-internet wheel has ground to a halt and won't budge no matter how much coaxing and stomping I do. Even the dogs have taken cover under the couch... smile...

Ok, maybe time for a good long walk outside! Breathing deeply of the cool, crisp night air. Tracking a shooting star. Releasing tension bit by bit. Trusting the God of this vast universe to care for the aches of my heart and frustrations of my day. Seemingly trivial to anyone else, but completely significant to Him. Just what this harried soul needs tonight...

Whisper a prayer of thankfulness for all that has been good in your day. My gratitude overflows at mom's continued stability in the face of this aggressive cancer. From God's Healing Hand, we're given physical relief for this day, soul-satisfying peace for tonight, and the promise of the Start-over, Washed clean, Neverending, New Mercies for a New Morning. What Grace...