Surfacing

Finally surfacing from my IRS-induced coma of the past week...

Recipts, Depreciation Tables, Profit/Loss margins, Mileage, Maintenance, Sales of Livestock, natural born, purchased, Vet Expenses, Exemptions.....  ARGHHH!!!!

It's enough to drive a sane woman insane.  After all, we only run a small farm, not an Empire!  Why does it have to be so complicated?

I fear I am alarming the mama's!  And I admit that life on the farm has not been pleasant these past 9 days.  This Goat Herder has been cranky, irritable and down-right uncivil to be around.   I am not a desk person, nor an accountant person.  I am more like an outside, wind in my face, dig in the dirt kind of person.   Paperwork, schmakerwork... My little pink eraser is worn down to a nub and I've gone through 2 calculators.  Ok, well, one kind of got stepped on, but hey, I didn't particularly like the calculation anyway...

So, I was ripe for an attitude adjustment.  I can see that now.

I had flipped the radio on today, thinking maybe a little music might soothe the beast I was becoming.  But between sets, someone gave a quick thought for the day.  Don't even remember what show or who was speaking.  As I was totaling the profit/loss column AGAIN, the voice started penetrating my red haze, and this is what I heard:

What Kind of Person are You?

Huh? 

There are basically three kinds of people.

I'm listening...

There are Accusers, Excusers and Choosers.

Pretty simple when spelled out.  The Accusers are always accusing someone or something else for their troubles.  The Excusers are always excusing their miserable mood or actions because of someone or something else.  But The Choosers, they choose to be accountable for their actions and choose to live with joy, confidence and grace, despite the someones or something elses.

It immediately reminded me of something mom had said in the middle of her pancreatic cancer journey.  A neighbor's father had passed away suddenly and the family was having a wake at the house.  Mom did not want to go, but felt somewhat obligated because they were neighbors, and Linda had been so good to bring meals by for mom.  She was feeling tired and queasy from the latest round of chemo.  We all told her it would be alright if she didn't go, surely the family would understand in the light of her circumstances.  Mom, paused and mulled it over, then got up, got dressed and headed over to pay her respects.  She said, and this is what sticks in my mind, she said, "I could play the cancer card, but it wouldn't be right.  That's just excusing bad behavior."  Mom was never an Excuser.  She was definitely a Chooser.

And so today, I have had my attitude tweaked.  I have played the Accuser (rotten IRS) and the Excuser (I'm being rotten because the IRS is making me rotten) enough already.  Time to Choose Accountability and Live Life with Joy, Confidence and Grace.  I have needed more Grace in my life this past week and it's about time I Choose to Act in it...

I want to Live my life as a Chooser.  Care to join me?

Whatever it is we face, we have a choice.  Sometimes it is the petty, the inconsequentional that pushes our buttons.  Sometimes it is the monumental Life Crushers that flattens us.  Pancreatic Cancer would be one of the Big Ones.  We still have a choice.  Does that mean we won't have bad days, overwhelming grief, sadness and tears?  Of course not.  I think, for me, it means that we choose not to blame, accuse or excuse on the basis of the trauma.  I know that mom's example has been a light for our path.  She acted with such dignity through-out her journey, despite the heaviness of her cancer diagnosis.  Our time together wasn't mired down in negative ranting, or petulant rages.  She Chose to Live as Positively as Possible, making the most of the moments she had, rather than giving them over to be lost in anger or bitterness.  The smiles, the hugs, the long talks, the laughter, these are the things we remember most from the past year.

That, I think, is Grace, and Joy and Confidence personified. 

And to honor the intentional decision to Choose Accountability for my actions, I have chosen to hire a CPA, who gladly took my motley farm files and will undoubtably have an incredible amount of fun rendering our income tax bill for this year.  The relief is immense, and the joy increasing as I head for the garden to wallow in dirt and blooms...

Choosing Grace this Day!   Jane