Renaming our Fears...

 

Can't Go Around It...

What a week!

We've been in a happy place, watching our 3 busy, busy grand-kids while their mom and dad took a much deserved mini-vacation-anniversary-celebration!

It's been a week full of chaos and noise, the sweetest belly laughs, complicated 5-year-old negotiations, lots of macaroni-n-cheese, and the best hugs ever.

We came home and crashed!  Lol!  There's a reason God gives babies to the young and able!

One of the recurring themes of the week was music... it was an eclectic mix to be sure.  "P" was on a Frozen kick and I think we have the soundtrack memorized ;-)  The youngest of the twins loved the nursery rhyme action songs and we had a fabulous repertoire featuring Wheels on the Bus, If You're Happy and you Know it and Going on a Bear Hunt.

It turns out that Pepaw makes a great Bear!

It was perhaps the 100th time we sang Going on a Bear Hunt that the words spoke truth and a real life application.

Here are the lyrics (for a quick refresh... you're welcome!)

Going on a Bear Hunt (adapted by Michael Rosen)

We're goin' on a bear hunt,

We're going to catch a big one,

I'm not scared

What a beautiful day!

Oh Look! It's some long, wavy grass!

Can't go over it,

Can't go under it,

Can't go around it,
Got to go through it.
(Make arm motions like you're going through
long grass and make swishing sounds.)

We're goin' on a bear hunt,

We're going to catch a big one,

I'm not scared

What a beautiful day!

Oh Look!  Squishy, Oozy Mud!

Can't go over it,

Can't go under it,

Can't go around it,

Got to go through it.
(Pretend to squish, squelch
through the thick mud.)

We're goin' on a bear hunt,

We're going to catch a big one,

I'm not scared

What a beautiful day!

Oh Look!  It's a big, wide river.

Can't go over it,

Can't go under it,

Can't go around it,

Got to go through it.
(Pretend to swim and
make splashing sounds.)

We're goin' on a bear hunt,

We're going to catch a big one,

I'm not scared

What a beautiful day!

Oh Look!  A deep, dark cave.

Can't go over it.

Can't go under it.

Can't go around it.

Got to go through it.

(Pretend to tiptoe into cave.)

Uh, oh!  It's dark in here.

I fee something,

It has lots of hair!

It has sharp teeth!

It's a bear!

Hurry back through the river.

(Make swimming, splashy sounds and motions.)
Hurry back through the mud.

(Make squishy, squelchy sounds and motions.)
Hurry back through the long grass.

(Make arm motions waving through the grass.)

Run in the house and lock the door.

Phew!  That was close!

I'm not afraid!

Leave it to a children's song to teach Big Lessons.

There are some things that we just have to Go Through... there's no going over it, no going under and surely no going around it.

The only way is going through it...

Cancer is like that.  Pancreatic cancer.  A hard journey with no way out but to go through.

And don't we all say with bravado, I'm not scared... when the truth is we're so scared we can hardly breathe.  The cancer takes us down into that dark, dark cave.  And the bear is no smiling, roaring Pepaw, reaching to tickle a giggling toddler.

The dark journey of a cancer fight can take us into the pit of fear.

And still, there's no way out but going through.

Adversity will drive us to our knees.  We can look down and shrivel under the weight of the overwhelming darkness...

Or, we can look up, to a God who promises to go before us... to walk us through the fear.  Not to remove the circumstance, but to give us strength to face it and head straight through it.

We have the perfect promise of an Almighty God who will never leave us nor fail us... He goes with us... even through the darkest of caves.  The biggest of bears bows down before the Holy One...

"Be strong and bold,

have no fear or dread of them,

because it is the Lord your God

who goes before you.

He will be with you:

He will not fail you or forsake you."

                    ~ Deuteronomy 31:6,8

We're going on a Bear Hunt, and no matter what our dark caves hold, together we will be strong and courageous, for there is a great God who goes through it with us...

And that's Grace for tonight!
My Love,
Always,
             Jane

When Fear Overwhelms...

Hope beats Fear Every Time!

Praying Blessed Hope over your journey Today.

Our God is Faithful to protect those He Loves...

Fear will dissolve when we turn our face towards Hope!

My Love, Always,

                 Jane

Moving past Fear

What do you do when Fear has you paralyzed?  The unspeakable... the tragic... the living nightmares...

Fear can stop a heart.

A cancer diagnosis does that.  It can simply stop you in your tracks.  The fear, the unknowns, sheer dread of the outcome... the panic cripples...

And how do you ever move past the fear?

Take a breathe... then take a step.

This principle served mom well throughout her cancer journey.  From the moment she heard the diagnosis, to the debilitating treatments she endured, this mantra gave her the permission to just take the next step.

She told me that if she allowed herself to look too far into the future, knowing the harrowing side effects of the chemo and radiation, she wouldn't be able to do it.  But by taking a breath and just taking the next step... one day at a time, she could endure.  And not only endure, but live life well for that day.

It reminded me of the oft-quoted joke, "How do you eat an elephant?"  {groan...lol}  "One Bite at a Time... One Bite at a Time."

There is truth there.  

Whether it's a cancer diagnosis, a financial calamity, a spouse's betrayal, or a child's heartbreak... fear can consume and paralyze us.

Take that breath.

Then take a step.

Just last week our pastor closed his sermon with a challenge that spoke volumes to this heart:

"Do not ask the Lord to Guide your Footsteps

if you are not Willing to Move your Feet."

Amen and Amen...

Graced to take that breath,

and move forward past the fear

into God's unfailing Promises.

Love, Always,

              Jane

Redeeming the Pain...

There's a bit of irony in writing tiny little blog posts in an obscure corner of the web... I'd like to think I was writing for you, for the other cancer warriors in the battle... but it turns out that mostly I'm finding my way back to Hope.

The writing has been a balm to this sore heart... losing mom was a singular event that has colored all my thoughts since then.  The writing, well, it has helped unravel what has tangled my soul.

And this 31 Days series?  This one on Stories of Love?  It has fleshed out one of my biggest issues.

In post after post, these anecdotal ramblings, the central theme of Fear has leapt off the page...

Over and Over... Here and Here...

Fear can keep you hobbled.  Afraid to move.  Or even breathe...

And this pancreatic cancer journey, it has been laced with Fear, from the very first moment we heard the diagnosis.  Walking out the hard grace with mom was a daily exercise in giving that Fear to God and trusting that His Grace would see us through.

It didn't change the suffering, or the pain, or even the path.

The cancer didn't miraculously disappear.  The unknown gnawed at us constantly.  The questions multiplied often leaving us with more dread than hope.

Fear.  It was a persistent companion.

It brought about a unique kind of pain and heartache.  Hard to enjoy the fleeting moments when fear has you in a death grip...

Maybe that's why the rambling writings have helped.  It has been an outlet of sorts for the pain, the hurt, the suffering... and in sharing it has brought countless blessings in the shape of friends and fellow cancer sojourners... the ones who understand what we're going through... the fellow sufferers who get the heart of it when the words are clumsy...

So, I guess it could be said that you all have been a huge part of this girl finding her way out of Fear to a place of Blessed Hope and Joy again.

Maybe there is still much to be reckoned with, I am forever a mess, but one thing that I believe with all my heart is how God can use all of our suffering for His Glory.. in this instance, by helping us connect with others that we would've never met otherwise.

This is a beautiful part of our Story, yours and mine, for we never travel alone.  God's gracious gift of His Presence in and through His people.  You, my friends are Blessing sweet...

Warrioring on in Hope,
Always,
      Jane

Never, Ever Give Up Hope...

What to do when Fear and Suffering Overwhelm us?

Read more success stories!

And there are plenty... Today we'll share links to the many uplifting stories of pancreatic cancer warriors.  No matter where you are in this fight, be encouraged.

I remember when mom was first diagnosed... there was no one that we knew who was battling pancreatic cancer, not even someone that someone knew.  As a matter of fact, mom's oncologist said that his clinic had only seen 3 cases in the past decade.

We felt so utterly alone.

I so wish we had known there were survivors of this horrific cancer.  It would have given us Hope.  Perhaps a network to reach out to... a place to find our footing.

Today there are those places.  And here are some of the links... please check them out!

The Pancreatic Cancer Action Network has an ambitious goal to double pancreatic cancer survival by 2020 and they work tirelessly towards this end.  They are found at Pancan.org and share stories of survivors here.

The Lustgarten Foundation for Pancreatic Cancer Research passionately works towards a singular outcome of changing patients to survivors.  They share their survivor stories here.

The Pancreatica Organization also shares stories of hope and success on their website.  They strongly promote education, and medical research - advocating optimal treatment options for all pancreatic cancer patients.

The Cancer Treatment Centers of America also offer a page for pancreatic cancer survivors and each story is a testament to the fight we wage every day to erradicate the word cancer from our vocabulary.

The American Cancer Society advocates for a myriad of cancers but has a beautiful post each year entitled Stories of Hope where they share survivor stories across the board... Pancreatic Cancer survivor John Cristman shares his story this year to offer hope to other patients when it's hard to find... and he knows a thing or two about hope... He is a 29-year pancreatic cancer survivor!


You do not ever need to feel alone on this journey.  So many have paved the way and are cheering you on ... As Abbie Grande's dad so wisely encourages,

"Stay strong, stay positive, and never, ever give up hope."

                      ~ Abbie Grande's dad, 2 year pancreatic cancer survivor

May you be lifted up and encouraged today,

Praying Blessings and Love, asking for Hope to be the beacon that lights the way,

Always,
        Jane

Fear is a Liar

Today we trace another cancer journey.  You might have seen their story on the news last month...

The unthinkable for these parents. Not one precious child, but both of their children, diagnosed with a rare and deadly form of brain cancer within weeks of each other.

Brain cancer.  Pancreatic Cancer.  Breast Cancer.  CANCER.

It strikes with Fear.

Cold... Paralyzing... Debilitating... A Dread that turns your life into a living Nightmare...

The journalist interviewing the parents asked the mother what she felt when she heard the diagnosis.

It is fear.  It can swallow you whole.

As the camera rested on her tear-stained face, you could feel the pain... a visceral struggle for composure.

"It feels like someone broke my heart open and has pulled it out of my body."

Duncan and Nohea Avery have had their whole world turned upside down from this cancer diagnosis.

They know a Fear that a parent should never feel.

But we've learned that Fear follows the words Cancer as sure as the sun sets in the west.  If  you've been diagnosed or are walking hard along this journey with a loved one, then you will remember that moment when the cancer diagnosis sunk in and the fear clawed through your soul.

Zach Williams must have a window into our world...

With his latest song, he has spun truth... For Fear truly is a Liar...

Fear he is a liar.

He will take y our breath

Stop you in your steps

Fear he is a liar

He will rob your rest

Steal your happiness

Cast your fear in the fire

'Cause fear he is a liar

Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears

Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel.

Oh, fear he is a liar.

He will take your breath

Stop you in your steps

Fear he is a liar

He will rob your rest

Steal your happiness

Cast your fear in the fire,

'Cause fear, he is a liar.

Lessons we must learn over and over... let it sink in deep.  For Fear is a Liar.  And God's Grace the antidote.  May our trust always fall on the One whose steadfast Love can cast out every Fear.

Always.

Just Breathe

Breathing.

I take it for granted.  Just the every day normal breathing.  Take a breath in, let it out.

 

After mom's diagnosis, I don't think I took a deep breath for weeks.

The nightmare panic of pancreatic cancer does that to you.  I would hazard a guess that mom didn't do much deep breathing either.

Which is perhaps why we took a mis-step or two coming out of the gate. Several months in, one second opinion and a deep breath later we settled in to the journey.   This time on the course that was right for mom.

How I wish someone could have taken us by the hand right after mom's biopsy and spoke calm into the chaos.  Encouraged us to take our time.  Allowed us the freedom to mourn and grieve and rail at the unfairness of it all.  Reminded us to breath. 

We reacted to the diagnosis from a paralyzing place of fear.  And it nearly broke us...

For Fear is fierce.  It Tightens the body.  Shuts down the logic.  Closes off the air.

Somewhere in the dark in those early months of the cancer journey, I stumbled upon a beautiful post written by Ann Voskamp.

It simply spoke to the brokenness in me and brought me to the feet of a Holy God in mercy.

Ann wrote not for the cancer warrior, but for the laboring, of which I find myself chief.  This cancer was a burden, a labor, not of love but of deep pain and sorrow. 

And she shared these words from Rabbi Lawrence Kushner:

"The letters of the name of God in Hebrew...are frequently pronounced Yahweh.  But in truth they are inutterable...

This word ...YHWY... is the sound of breathing.

The holiest name in the world, the Name of Creator, is the sound of your own breathing.  That these letters are unpronounceable is no accident.  Just as it is no accident that they are also the root letters of the Hebrew verb 'to be'... God's name is name of Being itself."

The truth sunk deep.

When the words wouldn't come.  And the thoughts are trapped in a wild jumble of grief...

It is the sound of my own breathing that calls His name.   

 A small breath, a sigh really, escaped.   And I dared to quiet my heart and lean into Him.  Finally breathing deep and letting the fear run out and the peace drift in like a balm.

Our very breath an "unceasing invitation for Him to come."

Every day of this journey it has been a constant battle to breath deep.  To let go of the fear and allow ourselves to wrap arms of love around mom.  Calling on the Giver of Grace to hold us together in this place, for this time.

It didn't change the cancer, but it changed us.

And that has made all the difference in our journey...

 

Courage and Fear...

 

 

Love this quote.  It is a reminder that courage does not come easy... but it trumps fear every time. 

 

Where ever you are, my friend, what ever your journey, know that prayers are being lifted for you.  May you feel a courage rise from deep to meet your fear, no matter the circumstance, no matter the despair.  There is Promise ahead... Be En-Couraged.

 

In Grace Always,  Jane

Craft Fair Craziness!

Craft Fairs, Flea Markets, Trade Days, Tag Sales... oh, they put me in a happy place!

Katie and I go whenever we can.  Canton Trade Days are our favorite... but any ole craft fair will put a smile on my face.  If I'm the attendee...

This is me, however, on the vending side of the aisle, with good friend, Kim, at a recent craft fair.

Some time ago we were sitting around her kitchen table laughing, visiting, drinking coffee (her), eating chocolate (me), and we hatched this hare-brained scheme of going on the craft fair circuit this fall...

What were we thinking?!

It is seriously stressful to be on the selling side of things.  Not to mention having to make all the things to sell.

I am a so much better (and happier) Goat Herder. Seriously.

But back to the post at hand... Craft Fairs.  From the vendors perspective.

Crazy Stressful.  I was trembling in my nikes before that first show.  So many people passing judgement on our wares.  Yikes.  Would they buy...would they walk past...what to say...how to entice without being pushy...yada...yada...yada... My feet were killing me by noon.   Not to mention my nerves, which were shot.  Yes, I am a wimp when it comes to selling...

It felt like heaven to "close up shop" at 5 and sit down.  Oh, to sit down and relax... it felt so good it hurt.  And then we counted the money in the till and figured out we had broke even.  Hallelujah! 

Finally we looked at the booth and took stock in our adventure... ready to pack it up for another day.   But not just yet... we needed to sit for awhile and just relish the peace after all that stress...

And that reminded me of a story I once heard about some missionaries.   They were working as Bible translators in a primitive tribal village.  They were stumped in trying to find a word for peace in the tribe's language.  At last, a native who was working with them found a combination of words that had the concept they were looking for... "a heart that sits down."

I love the beauty of that phrase.  A heart that sits down.  Perfectly describes that inner peace we long for so when our circumstances menace and the cyclone rages...

It's the peace that says, "I don't understand everything, but I'll just rest in God and He will bring me through."

It's the peace that says, "Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear."

That's the peace that routs fear.  A peace that just sits right down in the midst of all the chaos and fear.  

Praying for that kind of peace tonight.  May our hearts sit down in the very Grace of His Presence and find rest, wholly complete in His promises. 

The Cyclone of Fear

Do you have someone in your life that you are losing?  Are you watching cancer, or dementia or drug addiction or old age robbing you of your loved one... struggling to hold on to them with all you  have, while their sweet love, their strength, and even their very presence are slipping away?

If so, then you know the face of fear... and you are not alone.

Anyone who is caring for a loved one knows that peculiar taste of dread, the clench of worry, the cold sweat of fear.

We live in a realm restricted by time...we celebrate the day of our birth, measure our life by years, live our moments in sync with the rising of the sun, gauge our vacations in paid-time-off and even discipline our little ones with time-outs...

And so it was for me that the fear took a fever hold when I realized that time with mom was dwindling.  As we journeyed with mom and the pancreatic cancer, the fear hit hardest when the statistics and prognoses got real... this disease was terminal.  The reality was that mom was dying...and there was coming a time she would be gone from my life.  Forever.  Never coming back.   Not even for one more kiss on the cheek, or to whisper one more I love you... Her body, her voice, her laugh, her touch...would be gone from this space...

Gone From My Life.

And I panicked.  The thought of losing her completely was impossible to face.

Fear was a living breathing thing.  I remember feeling physically sick with dread over that coming day.   It took over my life...

Fear.  It is a part of the Caregiver's Life. 

There is the Fear of losing that loved one.

There is the Fear of failing...your loved one, yourself...

There is the Fear of the unknown.

There is so much Fear that accompanies a terminal diagnosis.  And it can consume your life.

Corrie ten Boom describes it perfectly:

“Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear.” 

 

Fear.  It was like a Cyclone in my life.  Ravaging and Destructive.  Shattering whatever Peace there might have been... 

 

And as we have done so often since mom's diagnosis, we sought to understand.  We researched.  We talked.  But the fear hung on, overwhelming my feeble attempts to find relief...holding Peace hostage.

 

Finally I talked with a grief counselor.  That first step was hard.   I cried the entire hour as I hiccuped through mom's story and our family's journey.

 

But in the ensuing weeks, Grief became a known thing.  Fear revealed its ugly self.  And we began to really face the truth of life with a terminal illness. The counselor shared with me...

 

*  the stages of grief

*  the reality of anticipatory grief

*  ways to cope with the fear and grief

*  God's heart for the grieving

 

The time spent with the counselor was a Mercy Gift for me.  It lessened the grip of fear in my life over losing mom.  And it put into place a strong desire to Live Life Well... for mom and with mom... for whatever precious time we were given.

 

It was Grace.  It was Life.  It was Peace.

 

One of the counselor's favorite verse's was found in Isaiah 45:3:

 

"I will give you the treasures of darkness,

riches stored in secret places."

 

She said this verse spoke deeply to her after her own daughter had died suddenly ... during her dark days of grieving, God gently revealed Himself, sharing Riches of Peace and Goodness, that could only come from His Sovereign Hand...

 

Walking through the Fear of losing mom sent me indeed into some very dark places.  Perhaps you've been there too.  Fear will do that to a person.

 

And Fear just doesn't want to let go.  It is like the monster under our kids' beds.  Its stranglehold of power is fueled not by what's really there, but by the what-ifs and what-might-be. It takes a conscious effort to trade the worry and the dread for the assurance of Peace in God's Perfect Plan.

 

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."

                                                          ~ Corrie ten Boom

 

That Corrie ten Boom... I think she really gets it... her story of Faith, Forgiveness and God's Goodness is an incredible inspiration for hearts like mine.  In the Hiding Place, she shares a journey so harrowing few of us could imagine...and yet, God's Love shines straight through to light the way for all who are overcome by the Cyclone of Fear.

 

God's Grace, His Richest Treasure, is just waiting to calm the storm and lay Peace down over our Fearful Hearts.

 

Finding treasures even in the darkest storm,

                                   Only by God's Amazing Grace,  Jane