Meltdowns and Mercy

I read a very apt explanation of Frustration the other day...

Frustration often arises out of trying to control an uncontrollable circumstance.

 

I believe Cancer fits the bill completely.

 

When we look back at mom's journey with pancreatic cancer, all of our frustration, resentment and anger revolved around the vise of Cancer...utterly unchangeable, completely uncontrollable...

 

We were angry that Cancer was taking her from us one excruciating pound at a time.

 

We were angry that Cancer made her so miserably sick much of the time.

 

We were angry that the Cancer doctors didn't have a magic bullet to cure her.

 

We were more than angry that Cancer changed our happy "normal."  It took our family dynamics and turned them on its ear.  Mom had always been the Center, the Caregiver, the Moderator, the Head Chief and Loving Leader of our family.  All of sudden, we became the Caregivers for this undeniably strong and competent woman.  And we didn't do it very well at all at first...

 

We burned the soup.

 

We cried at all the wrong times.

 

We hovered and smothered.  We blamed each other for mistakes.

 

We lived in denial.  We slept with fear.

 

We were incompetent, frustrated, angry Caregivers... until Grace came calling.

 

Somewhere along the line, God began softening our hearts in His Gentle way and offering sweet insight into the things that matter most.

I do believe that Time gave us Perspective.

And while Cancer was still an utterly unchangeable, completely uncontrollable circumstance, we were able to come to a sort of peace with mom's ultimate prognosis.  A veil lifted and we realized that we were wasting all our precious time crying over her approaching death, ranting and railing at the unfairness, and having major Meltdowns at every turn, rather than enjoying every last blasted minute we had with her.

 

That realization was really a gift of Grace and Mercy.  Receiving God's Riches right in the middle of our horrendous nightmare. 

 

We learned to distinguish between what is and what is not in our power to change.

 

We learned to ask for help.

 

We learned to value every hug.

 

We learned to give ourselves permission... to feel sad... to cry... to make mistakes.

 

We learned to take Grace Breaks.

 

We learned to say I love you... often.

 

We learned to cherish the victories... and to laugh at the still funny stories that plagued our family... it wasn't all gloom and doom!

 

We learned when to say Yes... to all the offers of help, prayer and wisdom.

 

We learned when to say No... to all the extra demands on our days when time with mom was drawing close.

 

We learned to appreciate Legacy Living.

 

And... We learned that under God's Gracious Hand our Anger could be molded into a something Better.

 

"I've refined you, but not without fire.

I've tested you like silver in the furnace of affliction."

                      Isaiah 48:10

 

Molded...Refined... in the furnace of affliction.

 

My Meltdowns formed into Moments of Pure Grace when released under the heat of Cancer's Blaze...

 

There is Hope...

 When Things Just Can't Be Changed.

When We Find it Impossible to

Control the Uncontrollable.

 

Learning to Let God's Grace Mold My Meltdowns into Something Better...

~ Excerpt from When Things Can't Be Changed

When Things Can't be Changed...

I read a very apt explanation of Frustration the other day...

Frustration often arises out of trying to control an uncontrollable circumstance.

 

I believe Cancer fits the bill completely.

 

When we look back at mom's journey with pancreatic cancer, all of our frustration, resentment and anger revolved around the vise of Cancer...utterly unchangeable, completely uncontrollable...

 

We were angry that Cancer was taking her from us one excruciating pound at a time.

 

We were angry that Cancer made her so miserably sick much of the time.

 

We were angry that the Cancer doctors didn't have a magic bullet to cure her.

 

We were more than angry that Cancer changed our happy "normal."  It took our family dynamics and turned them on its ear.  Mom had always been the Center, the Caregiver, the Moderator, the Head Chief and Loving Leader of our family.  All of sudden, we became the Caregivers for this undeniably strong and competent woman.  And we didn't do it very well at all at first...

 

We burned the soup.

 

We cried at all the wrong times.

 

We hovered and smothered.  We blamed each other for mistakes.

 

We lived in denial.  We slept with fear.

 

We were incompetent, frustrated, angry Caregivers... until Grace came calling.

 

Somewhere along the line, God began softening our hearts in His Gentle way and offering sweet insight into the things that matter most.  I do believe that Time gave us Perspective.  And while Cancer was still an utterly unchangeable, completely uncontrollable circumstance, we were able to come to a sort of peace with mom's ultimate prognosis.  A veil lifted and we realized that we were wasting all our precious time crying over her approaching death, ranting and railing at the unfairness, and having major Meltdowns at every turn, rather than enjoying every last blasted minute we had with her.

 

That realization was really a gift of Grace and Mercy.  Receiving God's Riches right in the middle of our horrendous nightmare. 

 

We learned to distinguish between what is and what is not in our power to change.

 

We learned to ask for help.

 

We learned to value every hug.

 

We learned to give ourselves permission... to feel sad... to cry... to make mistakes.

 

We learned to take Grace Breaks.

 

We learned to say I love you... often.

 

We learned to cherish the victories... and to laugh at the still funny stories that plagued our family... it wasn't all gloom and doom!

 

We learned when to say Yes... to all the offers of help, prayer and wisdom.

 

We learned when to say No... to all the extra demands on our days when time with mom was drawing close.

 

We learned to appreciate Legacy Living.

 

And... We learned that under God's Gracious Hand our Anger could be molded into a something Better.

 

"I've refined you, but not without fire.

I've tested you like silver in the furnace of affliction."

                      Isaiah 48:10

 

Molded...Refined... in the furnace of affliction.

 

My Meltdowns formed into Moments of Pure Grace when released under the heat of Cancer's Blaze...

 

There is Hope...

 When Things Just Can't Be Changed.

When We Find it Impossible to

Control the Uncontrollable.

 

Learning to Let God's Grace Mold My Meltdowns into Something Better...

 

Meltdown Madness...

Moving on in our 31 day Challenge, Grace for the Caregiver, we come to one of the most difficult emotions almost any Caregiver can face...

 

In a word, we're dealing with ANGER.

 

. . . A little Frustration... A smidgen Resentment... And a whole lot of Exasperation!

 

It's so not easy to talk about, it's even less easy to deal with.

 

When our eldest-born turned two, I was enamored with the cherub face.  Totally in love with his smile and winsome ways... and so positive that we had somehow won the parent-child lottery!  I mean, all the talk about the terrible-twos.  Really, who were they kidding?  Not happening in our home...

 

 

And then we went shopping at the local mall and took him on his first elevator ride...he was enraptured with the stomach-dropping thrill of pushing a button and shooting straight up to the sky.  Pretty fun ride for a 2 year old! When the doors opened, all the bystanders laughed at his excited chatter.  We were so proud of our adorable son...

 

Until we tried to walk him OFF the elevator.  In the blink of an eye, our cherub-child exploded into the mother of all Temper-Tantrums.

 

Lay down on the floor, screaming Nooooooo, banging his head on the floor for emphasis kind of Temper-Tantrum.

 

Holy Cow!  I think we were momentarily stunned into speechless amazement.

 

Who are you?  And where have you taken our son?!!

 

That was our introduction to Parenting and the Terrible Twos!  (Also the beginning of my mother guilt, in case you were interested.)

 

A 2-year-old's passionate temper tantrum showcases ANGER in its most elemental form...

 

Frustration that his needs aren't being recognized...

 

Resentment that he isn't getting his way...

 

Exasperation when no one gets his obvious "hints" and gives him what he wants...

 

All funnelled into one Huge, Raging, Ill-Tempered Meltdown.  It's not pretty.

 

I've felt this way a time or two or three.  Because...News Flash... These temper tantrums aren't reserved for two year olds alone...

 

Life is filled with Meltdown Moments.  And being a Caregiver has its share.  No matter how much we'd like to bury these not-so-pretty feelings...we're better off dealing with them and letting Grace mold the Meltdowns into Significant and Meaningful Moments.

 

Follow our Meltdown Madness as we expose Anger for the Temper Tantrum it is...and find the Grit and Courage to leave it all behind on this Journey of Grace for the Caregiver...

 

P.S.  For all you mothers out there in the midst of the Terrible Twos...there is Hope!  Travis is now all grown-up with a babe of his own...And he's still smiling!