Meltdowns and Mercy

I read a very apt explanation of Frustration the other day...

Frustration often arises out of trying to control an uncontrollable circumstance.

 

I believe Cancer fits the bill completely.

 

When we look back at mom's journey with pancreatic cancer, all of our frustration, resentment and anger revolved around the vise of Cancer...utterly unchangeable, completely uncontrollable...

 

We were angry that Cancer was taking her from us one excruciating pound at a time.

 

We were angry that Cancer made her so miserably sick much of the time.

 

We were angry that the Cancer doctors didn't have a magic bullet to cure her.

 

We were more than angry that Cancer changed our happy "normal."  It took our family dynamics and turned them on its ear.  Mom had always been the Center, the Caregiver, the Moderator, the Head Chief and Loving Leader of our family.  All of sudden, we became the Caregivers for this undeniably strong and competent woman.  And we didn't do it very well at all at first...

 

We burned the soup.

 

We cried at all the wrong times.

 

We hovered and smothered.  We blamed each other for mistakes.

 

We lived in denial.  We slept with fear.

 

We were incompetent, frustrated, angry Caregivers... until Grace came calling.

 

Somewhere along the line, God began softening our hearts in His Gentle way and offering sweet insight into the things that matter most.

I do believe that Time gave us Perspective.

And while Cancer was still an utterly unchangeable, completely uncontrollable circumstance, we were able to come to a sort of peace with mom's ultimate prognosis.  A veil lifted and we realized that we were wasting all our precious time crying over her approaching death, ranting and railing at the unfairness, and having major Meltdowns at every turn, rather than enjoying every last blasted minute we had with her.

 

That realization was really a gift of Grace and Mercy.  Receiving God's Riches right in the middle of our horrendous nightmare. 

 

We learned to distinguish between what is and what is not in our power to change.

 

We learned to ask for help.

 

We learned to value every hug.

 

We learned to give ourselves permission... to feel sad... to cry... to make mistakes.

 

We learned to take Grace Breaks.

 

We learned to say I love you... often.

 

We learned to cherish the victories... and to laugh at the still funny stories that plagued our family... it wasn't all gloom and doom!

 

We learned when to say Yes... to all the offers of help, prayer and wisdom.

 

We learned when to say No... to all the extra demands on our days when time with mom was drawing close.

 

We learned to appreciate Legacy Living.

 

And... We learned that under God's Gracious Hand our Anger could be molded into a something Better.

 

"I've refined you, but not without fire.

I've tested you like silver in the furnace of affliction."

                      Isaiah 48:10

 

Molded...Refined... in the furnace of affliction.

 

My Meltdowns formed into Moments of Pure Grace when released under the heat of Cancer's Blaze...

 

There is Hope...

 When Things Just Can't Be Changed.

When We Find it Impossible to

Control the Uncontrollable.

 

Learning to Let God's Grace Mold My Meltdowns into Something Better...

~ Excerpt from When Things Can't Be Changed

Finding Grace in the Shadow Valley

How do you even breathe after a pancreatic cancer diagnosis?

The mind and heart can shut right down when this cancer comes to shatter your life.  We know.  It can be a living nightmare... an all-consuming darkness that threatens to extinguish any light of hope. 

If pancreatic cancer has touched your life in some way, then perhaps our book, Finding Grace in the Shadow Valley, will offer hope as you journey.

It is the story of our walk into the dark pit of a terminal cancer diagnosis and the Grace that carried us through...

In November of 2010, cancer interrupted our very comfortable, extremely ordinary lives with a vengeance when our mom was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer.  I believe it was the moment our Shadow Valley walk began.

Finding Grace is written as a diary of sorts… the day to day battles, the difficult decisions, the roller-coaster ride of a cancer treatment… we share our heart, the emotional questions, the hard answers.

We also recount the joy and grace that surrounded us in the midst of the terrifying darkness.

This is the story of Finding Grace in the midst of a cancer diagnosis and the way it changes how we live out our stories.

If you are wondering what it is like to walk this valley road, if you are desperate to find hope for yourself or a loved one, we pray this book will offer a light for your path.

We are humbled to know that mom’s story has resonated with so many.  Perhaps it is as one reader so aptly put, “It is good to know that I am not alone.”

Yes, It is good to know we are not alone.   We are walking hand in hand, taking a journey together that none of us wish to take.  Never doubt that Grace walks that road too, each and every step, right alongside us.

Finding Grace… it is what makes facing those horrific days possible.

And it brings Hope to the Shadow Valley every. single. time.

Available Now

@ amazon

This is What it Means to be Held

Such haunting lyrics... such Truth...

Two months is too little

They let him go

They had no sudden healing

To think that providence would

Take a child from his mother while she prays

Is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?

We're asking why this happens

To us who have died to live?

It's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow

The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held.

Dear friend, if this is where you are... asking why this is happening... crying unfair... living a nightmare...

My heart is aching with you.  This song.  It speaks to the very truth that the cancer wounded walk each day...

May you know beyond a doubt what it is to be loved.  Even when the rescue fails and the sacred is battered.   Hold tight to the promise that when everything falls we'll be Held.

Grace for the Hurting, Mercy for the Grieving,

My Love,
Always,
      Jane

When the Darkness Seems Too Much to Bear...

Today we celebrate Good Friday...

I've always wondered why it was called Good.  Seems that there was nothing good about Christ's walk down Golgatha's path... his pain must have been immense, the lashings, the weight of the cross upon his wounded back, the scoffing of the crowd, the fear and horror on the disciples' faces, the brutal knowing of his fate awaiting at the top of the hill... nothing good on this Friday...

And when the torment was ended, his broken and bleeding body lay in a borrowed tomb, lifeless and still.  And the stone rolled over the light and shut the Son of God in the darkest night...

The darkness of this hour would seem to be too much to bear...

And there were times in our pancreatic cancer journey that the darkness overwhelmed...just like that stone rolling out the light. 

Our walk down the shadow valley led us to places of utter darkness.

The heartaches, the pain, the fear... it was as if the light was forever gone.

Perhaps you've been there too.  Or maybe you are struggling to find your way through a dark journey even now.

Might you be encouraged this day.  For it occurs to me that God does some of His most miraculous things in the dark.

There was Abraham.  Father of the Jewish Nation.  He struggled hard with obedient faith, trusting in God when all else about him was sifting sand.  He endured droughts and strife with family, he was called to move to a foreign land and watched as war broke out on every side.  And he aged.  And became old.  And had no son to be his heir.  Even though God had promised his descendants would be as numerous as the stars in the sky.  Doubt had him questioning God's promises. We read in Genesis 15:12-18 that God came to Abraham in the dark of the night and renewed His Covenant with him...promising that his descendants would indeed have this land.  Just as Abraham's heart was in so dark of a place, God chose the cover of darkness to reveal the Light that can only be found in Him...

And there was Moses.  Leading the children of Israel from the bondage of Pharoah in the darkness of the night.  I can only imagine the horror of that last plague... the death of all firstborn...

And it came to pass at midnight that the Lord struck all the firstborn in the land of Eqypt... (but when He saw the blood of the lamb on the Israelites lintel and doorposts, the Lord passed over the door and did not allow the destroyer to come in and strike them)... So Pharoah rose in the night, and there was a great cry in Egypt, for there was not a house where there was not one dead.  Then he called for Moses and said  'Go, serve the Lord, both you and the children of Israel.'  And so it was that Moses led the Israelites out of the land of bondage in the dark of night.    Exodus 12:21-42

And what about Jacob.  The one who tricked his twin brother out of the birthright.  Yep.  Esau held a grudge.  And back then, grudges could be deadly.  So Jacob fled with his very life (and the birthright), but as the years passed, he found his heart hungering for reconciliation.  He made the decision to head for home, but along the way... in the dark of night... he struggled with his fear and he wrestled the night through with God... like, really wrestling, physically fighting... through the long, dark night... Jacob wrestled with God.  And he found peace.  And the Blessing.  Genesis 32:22-32

And I love Jonah.  Running from God's call.  Acting like a spoiled child not getting his way.  Until God got his attention in the belly of the big fish.  For 3 days.  Can you imagine how dark, how horrid, how completely without hope Jonah must have felt?   Surely the darkness must have been his undoing... for in Jonah 2:7-9 it is recorded, "When my soul fainted within me, I remembered the Lord; And my prayer went up to you."   In the midst of tormenting darkness, Jonah raised the voice of thanksgiving, saying "Salvation is of the Lord."  And the fish spit Jonah up onto dry land... into the light of the sun...

"And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the LORD, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel."  Isaiah 45:3



Darkness.  When it descends, it can overwhelm.  The fear, the grief, the worry... all seem exaggerated in the midnight hour.  We feel so alone, so helpless.  So out of Hope.

Beloved, we are never alone.  It is during our darkest hours that God is doing His most miraculous work in our lives.  For out of our darkest places He can bring light to illuminate our very hearts... shining Hope over His Purpose in our lives, mining the treasures of the hidden riches for His Glory.

As hard as it is to walk the Shadow Valley, I know that His Hand goes before me to hollow out a place to hold me close until the morning light... for the darkness always gives way to His Light...
 
And so, this Good Friday... the very Savior is hidden from the light, in the tomb of the dead.  It will never feel right to call it Good.

We could feel as desperate and hopeless as those disciples must have felt.  The darkness surely radiated an eternal grief that night... and just when the darkness seemed to be too much to bear...

 God prepares to reveal His most miraculous work...

Sunday's Coming...

The Brush of Mercy

Grateful...

...for safe travel to Grandpa Don's hospital bed

...for wisdom of doctors and tender ministries of the nurses

...for fluids, and antibiotics, and steroids...

...for oxygen, sustaining the scarred lungs

...for the arms of family, the loving hugs, the encouraging smiles

...for improving prognosis

...for cream soups and chocolate shakes

...for laughter brightening the sterile white room

...for faithful God, for gifts of life

...for believing patriarchs who lead the way, amazing father-in-law who trusts in midst of trial...

Gratitude flows freely this night.  Thank you all for carrying us to the throne of Grace.  We have felt the brush of His mercy, and we bow low with thanksgiving,

                                                  In Grace Always,
                                                                    Jane