I need your touch,
and I need my space.
I don't believe that I'm overstating this one. Mom's cancer journey was truly one of so many mountain-top highs and such devastating and heart-breaking lows.
Just as those hugs were a critical factor in her mental and emotional health as she fought the cancer beast... there was something even more critical in her fight, something that actually became a matter of life and death more than once in her journey.
And it is this she would share... I need my space. Or some plain-speak here, Respect My Fragile Health. Stay away if you are sick, might be sick or even think you were around someone who was sick. My immune system is gone. All my fight has been directed at the cancer, there is nothing left over to battle the common cold or argue with your sniffles.
And she said this with love. And a sad smile. Because it hurt her to hold people at an arm's length and tell them not to come. She longed to be living life to the full, healthy and whole. Not hiding in her house, unable to fight off even a simple infection.
The chemotherapy treatments were the bad guy here. While they did an admiral job holding the cancer at bay for a time, they also knocked her immune system out, decimating her white blood cells and leaving her wide open to every nasty bug on the block...
2 instances in particular stand out as we look back at her journey. The first occurred half-way thru the valley road and brought her out on the mountain top... the second took her straight to heaven's doors...
That first infection occurred about 7 months into mom's pancreatic cancer journey, when she went in for a simple dental cleaning. But of course, with pancreatic cancer, nothing is ever simple. She never even thought to tell the dental hygienist about the chemo treatments...critical mistake. Within a few weeks, she had a complete systemic infection brought on by a teeny-weeny little bacteria that lives in your mouth. The cleaning had opened a small channel for the bacteria to travel into her bloodstream and what resulted was one very sick momma.
She was surrounded by a host of amazing doctors and medical staff who pulled her wily-nily through that dark valley. She spent a month in the hospital, many of those days so ill she couldn't lift her head off the pillow. To say we were distraught wouldn't even come close. When we were told a simple antibiotic at the time of her dental cleaning could have spared mom all this heartache we shook her heads in disbelief, it was beyond comprehension...
Take note of mom's nightmare and never underestimate the power of those teeny-weeny little bacteria when you have had chemo treatments.
Because, you never know when they will win the fight. It is truly a matter of life and death.
And this would be our greatest heartache... to know we might have been able to prevent the opportunistic infection that took mom's life 12 months into her pancreatic cancer journey. We will never know for sure where she picked up the virulent strain of pneumonia...
... might it have been at our Thanksgiving gathering? Heart-breaking to think it might have been a hug from one she loved so deeply? Or the quick trip to the store where she insisted on tagging along? Could that lethal germ have lingered on a shopping cart handle? Or simply hung in the air, waiting for her frail body to breath it in?
We have called it The Perfect Storm. It wrecks my heart to relive those 7 days...
But it is the Banner we must raise for all who follow behind. Respect the Space. Know the despicable power of even one invisible bacteria to the health of the cancer warrior. It is truly a matter of Life and Death and it is one of the most important things mom would share from her battlefield experience.
Yes, she needs our hugs... But more than that, she needs her space... Give it with Love.
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