Sunday, April 25, 2021
Saturday, April 24, 2021
8 Ways to Help a Loved One with Cancer
A Cancer Diagnosis
When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer, the bottom can and does drop out from under us. And in our grief and shock we often stumble coming out of the gate... wanting to be there and be supportive of their cancer journey, we so often just mess up royally. We say the wrong thing, over-compensate and trip over ourselves trying to make it ok, or sometimes just disappear all together... We know. Been there. Done that.
It's so hard to know what to say, what to do, or how to help.
We found there are a few simple things that meant a lot to mom when she was on her cancer journey and thus was born our Help-A-Girl-Out Checklist ;-)
Ways We Can All Help Out
1. Take a minute
Breath in, absorb the news and lift a prayer... for your loved one, for yourself. Take this minute before you do anything... a cancer diagnosis is devastating and is a shock for everyone.
2. Educate yourself
Spend another minute or two (or five) and learn about pancreatic cancer. There is so much misinformation out there. Knowing the basics can help us be more understanding as we reach out and lend a hand to our loved one.
3. Avoid Comparisons and Stories
Before you head out to help, determine not to share even one story about your best friend's girlfriends' uncle who survived stage 4 cancer by meditating on his head for 10 hours a day... you know what I mean. Our loved one's cancer is personal and will impact them uniquely. Your gift to them will just to be there, to listen, to support... to love.
4. Ask What They Need and Be Flexible
It can be hard to reach out in the midst of the heaviness of a cancer diagnosis. So... call, ask if there is anything they need and then offer specifics... could I bring dinner tomorrow night? Would you like me to drive you to your next appointment, sit with you during chemo, pick up groceries?? If lunch dates were your thing before cancer, then suggest a lunch out and offer to pick up and drive... Offering a helping hand might mean just being there with them. Sometimes a shoulder to lean on is just that, nothing specific, just having you there is enough.
5. Be patient
Our loved ones may just need time alone. Continue to offer, but be sensitive when they need a bit of solitude. When an offer of help is declined don't take it personally... lift them up in prayer, send a thoughtful card and call back later... don't give up and don't disappear.
6. Be understanding
Cancer treatments can take a lot out of a person. Be understanding when your loved one needs to cancel plans or unexpectedly needs to leave early from time together. The cancer journey is grueling and often imposes limitations that add to the agony. Your understanding will be balm to their hurting soul.
7. Choose to Listen
Determine to be a safe place for your loved one to share. Avoid the urge to offer advice and simply listen without judgement. It is a gift. When we can sit with them and listen to their heart we honor the courage it takes for them to open up.
8. Affirm What They're Saying
We all want and need to be heard and have our feelings validated. Cancer patients even more so. Our loved ones need to be heard, to know we will not minimize their pain or their struggle. Determine not to use phrases like "it's going to be ok," or "Don't worry, just calm down," or "Just have faith, you are so strong." While we may believe these things to be true, they are not helpful to the one who has just been given a cancer diagnosis.
What Every Cancer Patient Wants You to Know
For a more intimate look at what every cancer patient wants you to know, check out our 31 Day Series, A Letter from the Battlefield...
In the series, we share so much of mom's heart and what helped the most. Truly her friends and family were the silver lining in the cancer storm cloud.
You can be the gift... your loved one needs your presence and will be forever blessed by your sweet offering!
My Love,
Always,
Jane
Sunday, April 18, 2021
Sunday, April 11, 2021
Saturday, April 10, 2021
Doing Hard Things...
We will all be called to do hard things in this life.
A financial hardship. A prodigal child. An abusive relationship.
A Cancer Diagnosis...
And how do we keep living though the hard without losing our hope? When grief and pain and struggle marks our way...
Ann Voskamp speaks with a bit of truth:
"... the details of our hard may be different, but all our need for courage is the same."
Truth.
We all need courage to face our hard things.
Ann continues, "You have to keep hanging on, when you don't know how to go on."
When pancreatic cancer began taking mom from us, one painful, hard fought battle at a time, we were faced with a choice, Give up or Go on.
Mom's courage on the journey lit the way for our own. It was one step at a time. She knew how to do hard things and we learned that you can win the battle when you simply stay the course. One step at a time.
There is a truth in the holy words:
"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path."
~ Psalm 119:105
When we carry a lamp out onto our path, the circle of light shines just far enough to illuminate our next step. We trust that step and bring the lamp forward with us to bring focus to the next step... and the next... and the next.
It is a light unto my path.
It is the courage for the next step.
It is Hope in the midst of Hard Things.
There is a young girl who shares a story that kind of puts this all in perspective. Her name is Hannah. And her words speak it best:
"Proud doesn't even begin to cover it!
I don't talk about my mom's visual disability a lot, mostly because she makes it seem so easy that I forget about it. I forget to be amazed at all the times she chooses joy despite monumental daily challenges with chronic vision loss.
It's been over three years since my mom first told me she was going to open a coffee shop employing people with disabilities, and today there was a line out the door of her shop for 4 straight hours.
Esteamed Coffee is an outflow of her heart and her own personal struggles of finding jobs as someone with a disability. It's a way to decrease stigmas, positively influence her community, provide jobs, and create a space for all people to gather. It's the culmination of her passions and pain.
Often times I wonder why the Lord allows certain hard things to pass through His hands, and I've wondered that about my mom's vision impairment too. Today felt like a glimpse behind the curtain of all the good that's come from her experiences and how she's positively impacting the lives of tons of people in her community right now.
If you're ever in Cary, make sure you drop by Esteamed Coffee & pick up a great cup of coffee with a great purpose."
We can all do hard things. One step at a time.
When our passions and our pain collide, God's faithfulness will always light our way... May we find the courage to take that next step in the midst of the hard.
My Love,
Always,
Jane
Sunday, April 4, 2021
Thursday, April 1, 2021
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