The Pancreatic Cancer Journey: mom

Thursday, October 2, 2014

A Very Rude and Un-Welcome House Guest...

During the fall of 2010, while mom was busy planning our annual Girls Getaway Trip, cancer was busy setting up quarters in her pancreas. Like a rude house guest, uninvited and so very unwelcome... pancreatic cancer reared its ugly head on the eve of our highly-anticipated Girls Trip.

It was a pre-cursor to all things rude and ugly about this particular cancer. And it was just the beginning...

For years Mom always planned a fun trip around the holidays for her "girls." Daughter, Daughters-in-law, and Granddaughters. A trip. For the weekend. Just us girls. Nothing spectacular, but always, always special...

There were only 2 rules:

1) The Girls had to be at least 18 and/or graduated from high school to come (and yes, the younger granddaughters always begged to go!)

2) The destination had to be something fun that none of us would do on our own.

It wasn't long before the Girls Getaway Weekend was a tradition. Memory-making trips that to this day make my heart smile.

We have laughed and giggled and stayed up late. We have shopped til we dropped and then shopped some more. We have eaten gourmet in fine dining attire and junk-food snacked in the car. We have seen glorious shows (the Rockettes!) and stumbled upon a sweet Handbell performance. We oohed and ahhed at Santa Land in Tyler and fell in love with the antebellum homes on our very first Christmas Home Tour in Gainesville. We have stayed in charming Bed and Breakfast Inns and slept in a renovated brothel. Walked the soles of our shoes off at the famed Canton Flea Market and marveled at the snowfall in our Great Wolf Lodge adventure. Always, always special... Legacy Living at its best!

And through it all, Mom was our constant...

That fall of 2010 we were all excited about our Girls Getaway to Dallas and the Chi Omega Christmas Marketplace.

Mom had been experiencing some minor digestive issues thru the summer months, but nothing of note. Her primary care physician prescribed some heavy duty antacids and we thought nothing more of it, instead planning shopping lists and sightseeing tours for our girls weekend.

By the end of September Mom knew something wasn't right. The vague, but unrelenting pain in her upper abdomen, the constant indigestion... as a nurse, she heeded the red flags, and made an appointment with a gastroenterologist. Unfortunately he couldn't see her for over a month...

Fast forward to the week of our Girls Getaway. The appointment with the gastroenterologist was on Monday. We left for our trip on Thursday. Still blissfully unaware of how our world was about to change...

The specialist took one look at mom and started ordering all kinds of tests. Blood work, ct scans, ultrasounds. We were startled out of our complacency... a frission of unease rippling under our concerned smiles.

We learned later that the doctor could tell mom was becoming jaundiced, something not apparent to our untrained eyes. I think mom knew but had been hoping against hope she was wrong. We flew thru the tests and waited for results.

Wednesday afternoon I received a call from mom. The doctor needed her at the hospital in the morning for another test. Non-negotiable. But.... our trip.... the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

She encouraged us all to go. Actually, she insisted. Refused to let us even talk about cancelling...

For the first time in all our Girls Getaways, we left without mom.

By the time we returned, mom's journey with pancreatic cancer had begun.

Every journey has a beginning. And this was ours. Scary doesn't even begin to do it justice.

Join us this month as we unravel the scary, and find the gift of Grace...

for there has always been Grace enough for this Journey,

Always.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

I Would Do it All Over Again in a Heartbeat!

Well, yes, I would do the 31 Day Challenge all over again...

But what I really meant was the Grace Gift of being mom's daughter. Growing up under her tender care, thriving under her love, knowing I was adored always... I would wind back the clock and be called daughter again in a heartbeat!

And that includes even the heart-wrenching pancreatic cancer journey that carved deep sorrow into our families story, and brought me into the unexpected role of caregiver. Of course I would change it if I could, but knowing that our days are cherished and numbered in God's Sovereign Plan, I would do it over still...

For this was a journey of love and joy on so many levels... My heart agrees with D.G. Fulford and her sentiment about being at the right place at the right time doing the right thing. There is boundless gratitude for the gift of being with mom through it all, and not one moment of regret.

Still, the heartache cannot be denied. It is all part and parcel of the terrible privilege of caring for a loved one with a terminal illness.

It is a truly humbling privilege, fraught with shadow valley lows and mountaintop highs.

I miss mom. Every. Single. Day. There are moments when I can close my eyes and almost...almost feel her back in our world. Her head tilted to the side, smile in her eyes, laugh on her lips. I would run in for a hug and just breath in her sweet fragrance and sit for hours and hours catching up...