Where to start? My mind is tumbling with news to report.
The easiest to talk about is the weather. Yesterday, Dallas hit 101. Again! And I believe it's almost October (according to the calendar!) This heat just won't let go. Our A/C may be running all winter at this rate! I count the goats every night when they come up to feed - sort of afraid one might fall into the cracks in the ground and disappear....
Yesterday was also Chemo Day for mom (according to the calendar). But according to her blood work, it was a No Go. This time it was her platelets that were too low. 74. Normal is somewhere between 130-400. The low count coupled with her overall "isschy" stomach made for a lousy day. The last several days as a matter of fact. The nausea has given way to more vomiting over the past 48 hours.
This is the hard stuff to talk about.
Her weight has now slipped below 100. And the constant nausea is wearing her thin. Obviously, the current medical strategies aren't working well (understatement). Dr. Davis had been called to the hospital on an emergency, so we saw his PA, Allison.
It was a good consultation. Allison patiently listened and then reviewed mom's chart. So far, we have ruled out:
1) Gallbladder - rotten, slimy, no-good, you're outta here thing (removed in May)
2) Sepsis from the Strep infection last month - cultures are clear, no more strep
3) Heavy-Duty Antibiotics for the Strep - way past done with them
4) Gastric Obstruction - recent EGD ruled this out
5) Metastatic spread of the cancer - ruled out as well on the last CT scan several weeks ago.
5) Gemzar Chemo Treatment - nausea and vomiting began during her hiatus from the chemo
6) Medications for the Nausea: Have tried Reglan, Megace and now, Marinol to help stimulate appetite and control nausea - minimal to no improvement.
We are left with the Elephant in the room - the Pancreatic Cancer itself.
It's taken a lot to convince me that the cancer itself (while still contained to the pancreas) can do so much damage. The medical explanation is long and convoluted (maybe because scientists still don't completely understand how the cancer destroys the digestive system), but in simple layman's terms, pancreatic cancer interferes with the bodies ability to digest and absorb nutrients. No matter how much mom could shovel in (and keep down), the cancer is blocking her efforts. Maybe the cancer alters the metabolism, or maybe it inhibits digestive enzymes. Whatever it's doing, it's doing it well.
BUT... this pancreatic cancer has met a formidable opponent in mom. She may look as fragile as a piece of fine china; underneath she's got a streak of pure cast-iron skillet. It's true!
I also know that she can't fight forever. Her strength is dwindling and the quality of life factor is a huge consideration. How many of us have had the stomach flu and felt like hanging it up after 3 days? Mom's been pushing through this for over 10 months. I find that overwhelming, completely and utterly.
And yet, she is still smiling. And pushing. During our talk with Allison, mom brought up the possibility of a J-tube (feeding tube). This would perhaps allow us to bypass the finicky stomach and get the nutrients(calories) right where they need to be. It's definitely a possibility and we'll pursue it this week with Dr. Davis.
And then, of course, we got our weekly quota of fluids, steroids and Kytril. Oh, happy day! Mom went home and ate a taco! And enjoyed it!
Mom's lesson for me this week: Never underestimate what you can endure.
My lesson for you: Never underestimate the power of love.
Your gift to us has been tangible: love in action. I know that it has pulled mom through these past months. Words simply can't express the heartbeat of emotion.
May your Gifts of Love be Sweetly Returned , Jane
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
The Journey Clarified
Yesterday's post caught me by surprise. What started out as a light commentary on the doings of the day took a detour down a much deeper, more emotionally raw path than I expected. I guess it's part of the journey, but still the visceral punch leaves me winded. The anticipatory grief is truly a glacier weight, slow, massive and unstoppable, grinding us down when we foolishly turn our backs on its icy chill to seek the sun.
I am always in awe of the timing of God. Some would call it coincidence, I believe it to be the providential work of His unseen Hand. An email hit my inbox just as I posted yesterday's blog. My heart was sore, my soul felt bruised. The note spoke healing with mercy and grace. In it, a sweet so-journer on this cancer trail shared a Word. Of Hope. From God.
Ecclesiastes 3:11b "He has set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."
The timing was right. My heart was questioning. In answer, a glimpse of God's longing... for us to long with a desparate need for Him, for Eternity. He has set eternity in our very hearts. Oh, what we miss as we live our very lives focused on the here and now. Does it take a terminal illness to draw our eyes heavenward? To seek the answers of eternity? Of paradise? Peace settles as God assures that we will never understand, never completely fathom the path, and it's okay. Setting our hearts on eternity is the goal, and God has already done the work.
I am always in awe of the timing of God. Some would call it coincidence, I believe it to be the providential work of His unseen Hand. An email hit my inbox just as I posted yesterday's blog. My heart was sore, my soul felt bruised. The note spoke healing with mercy and grace. In it, a sweet so-journer on this cancer trail shared a Word. Of Hope. From God.
Ecclesiastes 3:11b "He has set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."
The timing was right. My heart was questioning. In answer, a glimpse of God's longing... for us to long with a desparate need for Him, for Eternity. He has set eternity in our very hearts. Oh, what we miss as we live our very lives focused on the here and now. Does it take a terminal illness to draw our eyes heavenward? To seek the answers of eternity? Of paradise? Peace settles as God assures that we will never understand, never completely fathom the path, and it's okay. Setting our hearts on eternity is the goal, and God has already done the work.
Grace met the need.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Coons and Creeks
The Racoon Capture and Release Program is alive and well on our little farm! This morning we tagged Coon #30 in the trap!
For those new to this blog, here's a quick review of how we got into the racoon business:
Earlier this spring an adorable mama fox had a litter of cubs in the meadow by our pond.
But then she got a little bolder and set up housekeeping at the edge of our backyard, and started drooling over our feathered friends, the peacocks and duck.
Unwilling to take the .22 to our visitor, we decided the more humane option was a live animal trap. Great idea! We have now caught...
The Duck
The Cat
All in all it has been an entertaining venture... We take the coons across the county and release them at the Deep Creek Bridge. It is one of the only creeks (spring-fed) that is still running during this horrendous drought. As I said, we are nothing if not humane! Oh, and did I mention the red stripe we spray-paint down their backs?
We want to make sure we aren't re-trapping the same "family" over and over again! But, they really, really don't like the fashion statement! So grumpy...
The drive to Deep Creek Bridge is a pretty one. With the radio up and the window down, I'm reminded why I love it here so much.
And while the creek isn't Deep, the drop from the bridge certainly is!
After releasing the latest coon and watching him/her waddle off into the brush, I wandered down to the creek bed and just sat awhile.
This spot is so off the beaten track that not a single car or truck passed that way while I soaked in the peace. The solitude was complete, with just the gurgling water and the trill of birds. Not even a breeze to rustle the leaves, just quiet... A perfect place to think, or not think, maybe to just take some time to grapple with life's bombshells. Like pancreatic cancer.
It is a hateful, insidious, relentless disease. And I know it will eventually take mom away from us. Each day is becoming more and more a struggle as she tries to maintain a foothold with her weight and strength. And I see her slipping away... ounce by ounce, pound by pound. Her once strong frame is becoming fragile, the bones pronounced in a way that reminds me of the most delicate fine china, breakable, but still heart-hauntingly beautiful.
The creek flows slowly past over pebbles and rocks, and I watch a small leave fall into the current.
It begins a journey that takes it farther and farther from sight, until finally it drifts around the corner. Tears track my cheeks as I wonder what it will be like the moment mom turns that corner and drifts from our sight.
I can only grapple.
And grieve for what's to come.
For those new to this blog, here's a quick review of how we got into the racoon business:
Earlier this spring an adorable mama fox had a litter of cubs in the meadow by our pond.
But then she got a little bolder and set up housekeeping at the edge of our backyard, and started drooling over our feathered friends, the peacocks and duck.
Unwilling to take the .22 to our visitor, we decided the more humane option was a live animal trap. Great idea! We have now caught...
The Duck
The Cat
And 30 Racoons!
But no Fox.
All in all it has been an entertaining venture... We take the coons across the county and release them at the Deep Creek Bridge. It is one of the only creeks (spring-fed) that is still running during this horrendous drought. As I said, we are nothing if not humane! Oh, and did I mention the red stripe we spray-paint down their backs?
We want to make sure we aren't re-trapping the same "family" over and over again! But, they really, really don't like the fashion statement! So grumpy...
The drive to Deep Creek Bridge is a pretty one. With the radio up and the window down, I'm reminded why I love it here so much.
And while the creek isn't Deep, the drop from the bridge certainly is!
After releasing the latest coon and watching him/her waddle off into the brush, I wandered down to the creek bed and just sat awhile.
This spot is so off the beaten track that not a single car or truck passed that way while I soaked in the peace. The solitude was complete, with just the gurgling water and the trill of birds. Not even a breeze to rustle the leaves, just quiet... A perfect place to think, or not think, maybe to just take some time to grapple with life's bombshells. Like pancreatic cancer.
It is a hateful, insidious, relentless disease. And I know it will eventually take mom away from us. Each day is becoming more and more a struggle as she tries to maintain a foothold with her weight and strength. And I see her slipping away... ounce by ounce, pound by pound. Her once strong frame is becoming fragile, the bones pronounced in a way that reminds me of the most delicate fine china, breakable, but still heart-hauntingly beautiful.
The creek flows slowly past over pebbles and rocks, and I watch a small leave fall into the current.
It begins a journey that takes it farther and farther from sight, until finally it drifts around the corner. Tears track my cheeks as I wonder what it will be like the moment mom turns that corner and drifts from our sight.
I can only grapple.
And grieve for what's to come.
Monday, September 26, 2011
The Circle of Life
It's been a quiet and restful weekend for mom, nausea seems to be her only complaint, but meals are staying put and energy is steady. Some delightful guests put a smile on her face Saturday afternoon, and were a welcome diversion from the doldrums of chemo recuperation! Steve drove up from Houston for a few days, and then Travis and Kelli brought Autumn over for a hug and some lovin'!
There's nothing like a little one to lighten your load. Mom and Dad are blessed with 8 grandchildren, 2 beautiful granchildren-in-law, and 2 great-granchildren.
Such innocence, pure and sweet. Both Autumn and Skylar have an uncanny ability to melt our hearts and smooth away all the troubles.
A smile, a laugh, a shy turn of the head, and then tiny hands wrapped around our necks... we're goners, everytime!
With the new Lion King movie out this week, the ads and commercials are everywhere. The theme song, Circle of Life, beats a constant tatoo in my head.. Especially poignant at this point of time in our family. We have young ones, just beginning to find their place and ones who have traveled the path, a circle unwinding, leading us with surety to a place of rest, of faith and of peace:
Of course, the other song dancing through my head is "Hakuna Matata!" That's also from the Lion King, sung by the Meerkat, Timon, and Pumba, the Wart Hog. It means "no worries for the rest of your days." It's their problem-free philosophy. And it really has a catchy, toe-tapping beat. Just what you need after crying your eyes out with Circle of Life. Let's hear it for the cartoon musical!
Ok, maybe I've watched just a little too much Disney today...
Hakuna Matata!
There's nothing like a little one to lighten your load. Mom and Dad are blessed with 8 grandchildren, 2 beautiful granchildren-in-law, and 2 great-granchildren.
Such innocence, pure and sweet. Both Autumn and Skylar have an uncanny ability to melt our hearts and smooth away all the troubles.
A smile, a laugh, a shy turn of the head, and then tiny hands wrapped around our necks... we're goners, everytime!
With the new Lion King movie out this week, the ads and commercials are everywhere. The theme song, Circle of Life, beats a constant tatoo in my head.. Especially poignant at this point of time in our family. We have young ones, just beginning to find their place and ones who have traveled the path, a circle unwinding, leading us with surety to a place of rest, of faith and of peace:
From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round
It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life
Ok, maybe I've watched just a little too much Disney today...
Hakuna Matata!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Fannie Mae to the Rescue
Today was Round #2 in this Gemzar chemo cycle.
Mom started the day a little green around the gills and lost her breakfast before we even got to chemo. However, a little steroids, a little Kytril (anti-nausea wonder drug) and some Gemzar seems to have turned the tide.
This evening she polished off a delicous Italian Sausage Sub Sandwich prepared by Dad, what a chef! And then had a delectable Fannie Mae Truffle for Dessert, compliments of Ruth and Manny, thoughtfulness drenched in yumminess.
Now that's a way to turn the day around!
Mom started the day a little green around the gills and lost her breakfast before we even got to chemo. However, a little steroids, a little Kytril (anti-nausea wonder drug) and some Gemzar seems to have turned the tide.
This evening she polished off a delicous Italian Sausage Sub Sandwich prepared by Dad, what a chef! And then had a delectable Fannie Mae Truffle for Dessert, compliments of Ruth and Manny, thoughtfulness drenched in yumminess.
Now that's a way to turn the day around!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Preparing for Winter Winds
Heat waves still radiate off the old dead oak tree as Leroy fells it for our winter wood pile.
The wood is split and stacked as sweat drips down his back.
It is love in action. Leroy's gift to us. Preparing our home for the inevitable bite of winter. And it will come. The heat of this summer will bow to the chill of a north wind. That old woodstove will thaw frozen toes and melt icy mittens. Lazy cats will curl near its warmth, and hungry flames will dance over this day's oak offering. The sizzle and crackle of dry wood will punctuate our evenings.
If it were just so easy to prepare for the winter winds of life.
Mom is walking that final season of her life and has felt the bitter chill at her back.
Prepared?
How can you be?
We try. We organize. We rationalize. But quickly realize that we will never be ready to let her go. Hearts squeeze, and stomachs churn. Eyes sting as emotions tumble over.
We know that even as the winter winds draw relentlessly near, this cancer journey pulls her towards final days.
We brace for the bitter cold, the chill of loss...
But, unexpectedly we are warmed by an affectionate hug, arms hold us close. Sweet conversation crackles through the house as generous friends load our table with delicious offerings. A genuine smile lights mom's eyes as dad painstakingly folds the laundry, and laughter splits the night as grandchildren pose for goofy pictures.
And this is love in action. Protection from the cold. The warmth to hold us through the coming season. The splitting of joyful, normal moments into bite-size pieces, and the stacking of memories, precious and whole. Perhaps it is all the preparation needed to sustain us when those winter winds come.
Love Keeps, Love Warms, Love Holds Us Together....
The wood is split and stacked as sweat drips down his back.
It is love in action. Leroy's gift to us. Preparing our home for the inevitable bite of winter. And it will come. The heat of this summer will bow to the chill of a north wind. That old woodstove will thaw frozen toes and melt icy mittens. Lazy cats will curl near its warmth, and hungry flames will dance over this day's oak offering. The sizzle and crackle of dry wood will punctuate our evenings.
If it were just so easy to prepare for the winter winds of life.
Mom is walking that final season of her life and has felt the bitter chill at her back.
Prepared?
How can you be?
We try. We organize. We rationalize. But quickly realize that we will never be ready to let her go. Hearts squeeze, and stomachs churn. Eyes sting as emotions tumble over.
We know that even as the winter winds draw relentlessly near, this cancer journey pulls her towards final days.
We brace for the bitter cold, the chill of loss...
But, unexpectedly we are warmed by an affectionate hug, arms hold us close. Sweet conversation crackles through the house as generous friends load our table with delicious offerings. A genuine smile lights mom's eyes as dad painstakingly folds the laundry, and laughter splits the night as grandchildren pose for goofy pictures.
And this is love in action. Protection from the cold. The warmth to hold us through the coming season. The splitting of joyful, normal moments into bite-size pieces, and the stacking of memories, precious and whole. Perhaps it is all the preparation needed to sustain us when those winter winds come.
Love Keeps, Love Warms, Love Holds Us Together....
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Sodas and Cancer?
New medi-port is in place and mom is happy to have it back. Surgery went well yesterday, and while the area is still a little tender, they will be able to access the port this Thursday for her next round of chemo. And that's good news after this past month of iv sticks and stabs!
Mom's been fairly active around the house, and has even been able to motor around without the oxygen for brief periods of time. Love seeing her up and about. But the weight issue is back, as the pounds continue to slide off. Personally, I think the cancer is having a fit. With the Gemzar keeping it in check, the cancer hasn't been able to grow and spread, so now it's ticked off and making mom pay the only way it can, by sabotaging her appetite and nutrition absorption. Crummy Cancer! Mom, however, is nothing if not persistent, and works to make every calorie count - praying for relief from the ongoing nausea and vomiting, for returned appetite, and for moments of pure food bliss.
Before I close, I'd like to share a warning from today's Dr. Oz show. It grabbed my attention when Dr. Oz announced a new study had been done on pancreatic cancer. It seems that the study showed that people who drink 2 or more sodas a week are at a higher risk of getting pancreatic cancer.
Really?! Seriously?!! Could we not have a study on finding a cure for this deadly disease?! Please! Almost everyone in America drinks more than 2 sodas a week. Except Mom - she isn't, nor has ever been a soda drinker. Water happens to be her drink of choice,
so put that in your study Dr. Oz. It's time to put our money where it counts and get serious about finding a cure.
Ok, off my soapbox. Shakin' it off. But really...
Still shakin' it off, All's good, Really, Love you, I do, Jane
Mom's been fairly active around the house, and has even been able to motor around without the oxygen for brief periods of time. Love seeing her up and about. But the weight issue is back, as the pounds continue to slide off. Personally, I think the cancer is having a fit. With the Gemzar keeping it in check, the cancer hasn't been able to grow and spread, so now it's ticked off and making mom pay the only way it can, by sabotaging her appetite and nutrition absorption. Crummy Cancer! Mom, however, is nothing if not persistent, and works to make every calorie count - praying for relief from the ongoing nausea and vomiting, for returned appetite, and for moments of pure food bliss.
Before I close, I'd like to share a warning from today's Dr. Oz show. It grabbed my attention when Dr. Oz announced a new study had been done on pancreatic cancer. It seems that the study showed that people who drink 2 or more sodas a week are at a higher risk of getting pancreatic cancer.
Really?! Seriously?!! Could we not have a study on finding a cure for this deadly disease?! Please! Almost everyone in America drinks more than 2 sodas a week. Except Mom - she isn't, nor has ever been a soda drinker. Water happens to be her drink of choice,
so put that in your study Dr. Oz. It's time to put our money where it counts and get serious about finding a cure.
Ok, off my soapbox. Shakin' it off. But really...
Still shakin' it off, All's good, Really, Love you, I do, Jane
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