I Would Do it All Over Again in a Heartbeat!

Well, yes, I would do the 31 Day Challenge all over again...

But what I really meant was the Grace Gift of being mom's daughter.  Growing up under her tender care, thriving under her love, knowing I was adored always... I would wind back the clock and be called daughter again in a heartbeat!

And that includes even the heart-wrenching pancreatic cancer journey that carved deep sorrow into our families story, and brought me into the unexpected role of caregiver.  Of course I would change it if I could, but knowing that our days are cherished and numbered in God's Sovereign Plan, I would do it over still...

For this was a journey of love and joy on so many levels... My heart agrees with D.G. Fulford and her sentiment about being at the right place at the right time doing the right thing.  There is boundless gratitude for the gift of being with mom through it all, and not one moment of regret.

Still, the heartache cannot be denied.  It is all part and parcel of the terrible privilege of caring for a loved one with a terminal illness.

It is a truly humbling privilege, fraught with shadow valley lows and mountaintop highs.

I miss mom. Every. Single. Day. There are moments when I can close my eyes and almost...almost feel her back in our world.  Her head tilted to the side, smile in her eyes, laugh on her lips.  I would run in for a hug and just breath in her sweet fragrance and sit for hours and hours catching up...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was the most sacred honor to walk this journey with you mom...

 

God's Riches Poured out in Abundance to Cover our Greatest Need

for

Grace is bringing this weeping Caregiver through the Shadow Valley

into Blessing Overflowing...

 

 

We will always, always miss you...you already know that...

But you loved us more than well enough to get us through.

And as our hearts turn towards Home

we can barely wait for the Sweetest Reunion of All Time...

  

  

All Together Again!

 

He is Faithful to Keep His Promises

and it will be Grace Amazing...

 

You have changed our sorrow into dancing.

You have taken away our sackcloth

and clothed us with joy.

You wanted us to praise you and not be silent.

LORD my God, We will praise you forever!

                                            ~ Psalm 30:11-12

 

 

 

Until that time, we carry on as you taught us...

 

 

Love you Always and Forever,

                Jane 

 

It is a Privilege...

Somewhere along in every journey, we are destined to meet kindred souls who make a difference in our story...

Glenn and Cheryl are two such friends who have touched me deeply.  Although we've never met in person, I have found an abiding inspiration in their journey.

As we near the end of our 31 Day Challenge on Grace for the Caregiver here are a few of his thoughts on Caregiving...

"I have found since we began this journey in Nov 2012, that the little things that inspire the soul are really important to the person fighting the battle. To Cheryl, sunsets and sunrises are gifts of beauty that raise the spirit for the next battle, the next day. A snow fall here makes everything pure and white, and she loves to look out over the fields to see the fresh little animal tracks that were made during the night. We have a little red fox that teases our dogs every day, and Cheryl actually gets a kick out of that. So the first day of her chemo in January, I found a little plush red fox at the gift centre and took it to her. It is her constant companion now both day and night. I firmly believe now that one of my jobs, no, one of my privileges as her care giver is to help her find these spirit and soul-lifting things... Glenn"

So beautifully said...and I believe it is the heart-song of Caregivers everywhere.

It is truly a privilege of immense proportions

to walk out our love every day along this journey.

 

 

The Shadow Valley...

Perhaps the hardest post to write in this 31 Day Challenge is the one I have been composing for almost 3 years...

It was November, 2010 that our world changed forever when mom was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer.  I believe the journey of grief began when the doctor uttered those solemn words.

We fought the truth as hard as we fought the ruthless claws of cancer.  We lived in denial, we begged, we prayed... we experienced moments of extreme hope and horrible dark valleys of lost faith...we walked the path of grief during those twilight days of living.  With each failed treatment and painful setback, the sorrow wore ruts into our very souls.

I have learned that this anguish is called Anticipatory Grief.  And we were not alone in our struggle.  Many, many others have sojourned this same path.  We're not the first to stumble along its treacherous trail.

In our website, we share a little bit about this part of our journey with pancreatic cancer.  It is hard, even now, for me to look back on those 12 months with mom and not relive the horror of that grief.  As a Caregiver, it is doubly hard to tread a balance between offering comforting hope for our loved one while coping with the harsh reality of the disease progression.  Knowing that our miracle will be an eternal one means we will face the agony of loss here in this place...

Sometimes the grief just swamps.  The loss that is coming feels too heavy to bear.  Impossible to smile through the searing pain. 

And where do we find Grace in the midst of such anguish?

For us, it was found in mom's favorite scripture passage...and some sweet goat babies...

"The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:

he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me

in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;

thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:

thou anointest my head with oil;

my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever."

                                                                    ~ Psalm 23

There is a beautiful picture in my mind of the Lord as our shepherd.  I know part of that comes from our life here on the farm... we too are shepherds of our very own flock...

 

 

 

 

 

We walk fences, protect from coyotes, feed and water no matter the weather, keep nanny-watch long into the midnight hour, and muck the stable daily.  We rejoice in the bleating baby arrivals and mourn over the losses beyond our control.  Our kids know our voices...come running joyful at the sound.  And we know the ones that love to be scratched behind the ears... and the ones that always catch their horns in the gate.

 

It's our job as shepherds to watch over the flock and lead them to green pastures and still waters.

 

And I know that the care and love and protection we give our herd is nothing compared to the Shepherd Love of our Heavenly Father. 

 

But in the beginning our Anticipatory Grief colored our world bleak.  It was more like a deep, bottomless abyss than a mere shadow valley...

 

Learning to trust in the Shepherd Grace did not come easy.  Through the mercy of time and a Gentle God, we began to notice a few things...

 

1.  It is in the valley that the pasture is most lush and the rivers flow abundant, snow melt from beautiful mountain high.  It was while we were in the valley with mom that we shared some of our most intimate and precious times.  The love flowed deep and hearts were soothed.  If not for this time in the valley, when all the inconsequential and trivial fell away, I fear we would never have experienced the Sweet Blessings of Living in the Moment with Mom...

 

2.  It is thru the valley that we must walk to reach higher ground.  For mom, she is there.  Living life complete on that Breathtaking Mountain High, safe with her Shepherd Father, and filled with a Peace that passes our understanding.  We are not there, quite yet.  But we can see it...that Place of Eternal Grace that beckons hard.  We can set our hearts at rest in the knowing that the shadow valley gives way to Life Everlasting in the Light of His Love...

 

3.   It is because of the valley that we learn to trust a Faithful Shepherd.  He is able to meet our needs, provide comfort and guide us unerringly through the dark days.  If we lived only and always on the mountaintop, we would never know the Strength of His Love as The Good Shepherd, nor would we truly understand the heartache of those traveling their own shadow valley.  Because of our own experiences we can come alongside and share Grace, and Comfort, and Encouragement... 

 

The Journey of Grief is different for each of us.  And so too the shadow valleys we must walk.

 

But Grace is there to meet us in the midst of the anguish.  Let Him hold you close and carry you a spell.  He will you know... He loves you that much...

 

Graced to walk the Shadow Valley with the Shepherd of the Mountain High.  His Light reaches even the darkest corners of our Grief, dispelling the fear and the pain of our worst nightmares.  Always.

 

May you find His Love Sufficient to Protect and Cover you with Peace this night,

 

You are so Precious to him. 

 

Run...Don't Walk...to the nearest Spa!

Do you have a Caregiver in your life?  A truly giving, compassionate, funny, selfless, amazing, wonderful person who loves you to pieces and does all they can to walk you thru this journey? 

You, the Cared-For, are in a precious position...I know the illness, the trauma, the path you walk is not easy, nor is it of your own choosing.  You feel blessed to have this loved one in your life, granting peace, companionship and hope to you no matter the cost to themselves.  And so, yes, despite the circumstances of your illness, you are in a precious place...

You can extend the most beautiful Grace to your Caregiver.

For it is within your power to leave sweet memories for them, moments they will treasure for ever.

Here's how...

Find something to do together that brings joy to you both, AND, has nothing to do with your illness.

Hard you say?  Not so!

It can be a baseball game, a concert, a trip to the zoo, movies and popcorn, a massage... a gift with no agenda but to spend time together enjoying, not caregiving.  Depending on your strength and particular situation it may take some pondering, but make it a priority to start Legacy Living.

My favorite example is Mom taking me (often) for the most soothing leg massage and pedicure at Cold Water Creek Spa... I absolutely loved the pampering and it was the perfect, non-stressful outing for mom as her strength ebbed.

We went together right up until the last month of her cancer journey.  And it was always her treat.  I think she was gratified to find a way to thank me... I was blessed beyond words to have the time with her to relax, laugh, and live life "normal" away from the harsh reality of the cancer treatment.

And massage is such a great antidote for the Caregiver Stress and Burnout that is inevitable when journeying with a terminal illness.

Run...Don't Walk... to the nearest Spa.  Make memories of peace and relaxation and laughter today with the one you love.  Let the pampering begin!

It is Extending Grace in the most Beautiful Way. 

P.S.  Friend Alert!  Do you know someone who is selflessly tending the needs of a loved one?  Are they becoming over-stressed, burdened-down, and neglecting themselves?  Give the Grace Gift yourself...take them out, treat them to "normal," pamper them special.  Be the Blessing. 
  

Grace Break...Funny Style

Sometimes the best Grace Break is the comical kind.

These pictures of Dogs-Gone-Wrong just tickled my funny bone.  The creative dog owners decided to take their misbehaving canines to task on social media for some side-splitting shaming.  And what makes it all the more adorable is that these pups still love their humans to bits, no amount of shaming will ever change that!

Leave your worries behind for a few minutes of laughter relief and enjoy the Grace Break!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Sunday Friends...

May your smiles be abundant this day,

 

Love Always, Jane

 

 

 

 

Words to Live By...

The Ungrateful, the Unthankful, the Unlovable...

Oh the conflict...

 

Ever been there?!

 

Even Caregivers (especially caregivers) can be on the receiving end of some mighty ugly attitudes.  From family members, "friends" and sometimes even the very ones we're caring for... It's hard, it's painful, it's heart-breaking, it's so very real.

 

And what do we do?  We might want to Walk Away... but for most that is just not an option.  We are in for the long haul, willing to turn the other cheek for the sake of our loved one.  Doesn't make it easy.

 

I know that many Caregivers are offering themselves to care for a mother, or father, a spouse or child.  There are as many reasons for the bad behavior as there are stories...

 

* the emotional weight of a terminal illness

* the effect of chemo...radiation...medications...

* the grumpiness, crankiness or otherwise grotchiness of certain personalities

* the fear of the unknown

* the spitefulness of the truly ungrateful

 

and on, and on it goes... sometimes there is really no explaining the why of it.

 

And as a Caregiver, you often bear the brunt.  How well we bear it is up for debate...depending on our emotional and physical well-being at the time.

 

I could make excuses for your loved ones, I could offer platitudes to buck up and bear it, or I could tell you my heart breaks for your situation...truly.  I have no answers to miraculously make it better.

 

But I can tell you that you are not alone.

 

I can tell you that your sacrificial work is of Godly merit.

 

I can tell you that at the end of this particular journey you will find deep peace in the fact that you were there, giving, loving, supporting, no matter the ugly.

 

I can tell you, even if your loved one can't, that you are valued, you are appreciated, you are so very loved.

 

I can tell you that God is smiling Grace all over you this day.

 

Don't Walk Away.  Be encouraged to continue to Live Generous.  It is Blessing Uncomparable to those in your tender care...