The Mother of All Guilt Trips

Grandma Inga was an expert on guilt tripping...

 

4 Generations (Grandma Inga is on the far right)

 

I love this picture...for so many reasons.  It is of course amazing to pull off the 4 generation thing.  But I so love my dazed expression...sandwiched between Grandma Martha and my mom.  What was my 4 year old brain thinking?  Perhaps I was having issues with my Dutch Boy haircut.  Hello?  Is that even attractive?   But I absolutely love Grandma Martha in her apron and then Mom and Grandma Inga with their corsages.  And I know what Grandma Inga was getting ready to say...

 

"The kids have grown so much since I last saw them... I'll never live to see them in kindergarten."

 

She did.

 

Then the lament, "I'll never live to see them graduate from high school."

 

She did.

 

Pulling off a raspy whisper after Grandpa passed, "I know I'll never live to see you all married."

 

She did.

 

And of course a tearful, "I'll never live to see my great-grandchildren."

 

She did.

 

 

 

Grandma Inga surrounded by her 4 grandchildren and 7 great-grandchildren!

 

We all just loved her to pieces, but she had definitely perfected the manipulation by guilt routine.  All I ever needed to learn about guilt, I learned at her knee.

 

And I learned well.  I wallowed in guilt over everything...

 

Guilt that I didn't get up to see her often enough.

 

Guilt when I (over)indulged on that luscious chocolate chip cheesecake. (oh my, it was so worth it!)

 

Guilt that I didn't remember my best friend's birthday (sad, sad face)

 

Guilt that I didn't try hard enough to get that college scholarship.

 

Guilt that I didn't volunteer in the church nursery when the plea went out (I will do a month of penance, just please, not the nursery!)

 

And then when I became a mother...deep breath...my walk with guilt morphed into overdrive...

 

Guilt that I was too strict, too lenient, too tired, too bossy, too much, not enough... And as it turns out, my kids actually survived their mother's inept attempts at raising them (gratitude abounds for a faithful God...and a patient, loving, extremely grounded husband.)

 

So with this track record, are we surprised that Guilt tracked me into my Caregiver journey?

 

I am nothing if not consistent...which would make me happy if it wasn't so depressing!

 

And I'm finding that many, many other Caregivers deal with the same thing.  Guilt over not spending enough time with their loved one.  Then Guilt for not taking better care of their own family.  Guilt for not being able to ease their pain.  Guilt for resenting their new role as Caregiver.  Guilt for missing a new symptom.  Guilt for missing their anniversary.  Guilt for enjoying a day out with friends.

 

Guilt that is serious and Guilt that is ridiculous and Guilt that is so often very misplaced.

 

Guilt, Guilt, Guilt...the list is endless.  And very tiring...  Why do we do this to ourselves?!

 

It is Life UnBalanced.  I'm thinking that we need to get a grip and rattle the cage a little to bring it back on track.  Because Guilt just really hijacks all endeavors to Live Life Well. 

 

Taking some time this week to get to the root of our Guilt and by Grace dig it out.

 

Grandma Inga would be sure to have something to say about that!

 

 

Hands Held High

When last we left Moses things were getting dicey...

He was raising his hands high beseeching God Almighty for the victory as his beloved Israelites fought tooth and nail against the evil Amalekites. 

 

While his hands were raised, the Israelites prevailed against their enemy.  But as Moses grew weary in the task...think herculean Yoga pose for hours on end kind of task...his hands gradually drooped lower and lower causing the Israelites to lose the "upper hand" in the battle.

 

And then, just when all seemed lost... 2 amazing men came alongside Moses.  Aaron and Hur stepped up the mount, each leaned into Moses, supporting him and then raising his arms so the Israelites could win the victory.  And what a victory.  It was the first battle to be fought after the Israelites had been freed from the Egyptians.  Definitely a defining moment in their journey with God.  It was there that they called him Jehovah-Nissi... God my victory.  (Exodus 17:8-13) 

 

Through-out Scripture we can see that God is always about the Victory and Winning the Battle when his people seek Him.  

 

Joshua and his men could not win the battle alone.  They needed Jehovah-Nissi and Jehovah gave them Moses.

 

Moses could not keep his hands held high alone.  He needed Jehovah-Nissi and Jehovah gave him Aaron and Hur.

 

Aaron and Hur.  A brother and a friend.  Mighty in Grace to see Moses' need and risk all to be obedient to God's call.  They stepped into the gap to plead for the victory of Israel alongside Moses.

 

Beautiful Grace, extended to us through Jehovah-Nissi.

 

Do you see how God is still, this very day, extending Precious Grace to us as Jehovah-Nissi?

 

When one in our midst is in the battle of their life...fighting Amalekites or cancer... Jehovah-Nissi sends a Caregiver...

 

...a Caregiver that comes alongside to lift hands high on behalf of the beloved one.  A gentle hand to wipe the fevered brow, a strong hand to muscle through and encourage, a prayerful hand held high to beseech God Almighty for victory while the fight rages on..

 

...a Caregiver to come alongside and stand in the gap out of love.  And when the Caregiver becomes weary, too tired to meet the need, Gracious Jehovah-Nissi sends the helpers, the brothers, the friends to lean in and support the work being done, a steady strength to help carry the load.

 

Raising Hands High.  For the Beloved.  Beautiful, Beautiful Victory. 

 

And so, no matter, who you are, my friend, there is a lesson to be learned. Whether fighting the Amalekites yourself, or walking up the mount as Moses did, or even finding yourself called in as the support team, Jehovah-Nissi has a work for you to do...

 

Israel was promised the victory against the Amalekites... but they had to go out and fight.  Whatever life has thrown at you, know that Jehovah-Nissi has promised the victory, but you must arm yourself for the fight and walk into that battlefield prepared to give it all you've got.

 

Moses' part was to go to the top of the mount and raise his hands and the staff of God high.  It was the work Jehovah-Nissi had given him to do as leader of the beloved tribes of Israel.  He was their Caregiver.  And if you find yourself in such a role, know that Jehovah-Nissi has also promised you the victory, but when times of weariness come, and they will, let others come alongside to hold you up.  It is a precious work of Grace and Love.

 

Aaron and Hur had the crucial work of attending to Moses' need.  They encouraged him, supported him and leant him their strength when his was gone.  As you travel this life, you will see times when your friends or family are exhausted in their roles as Caregiver...you, my friend, have the awesome privilege of coming to their aid for a brief but annointed time.  And because of your gift, Jehovah-Nissi promises Victory for their beloved.

 

It is Grace Work for the Tired and Weary.  Beautiful, Intricate Design of Victory in Hands Held High. 

 

When we lift our Hands High in praise of Jehovah-Nissi, we can proclaim with the saints of old...

 

God my Victory!

 

 

Yoga and Moses...

Last year our youngest born and her handsome groom moved in with us after their house sold and they were waiting to close on their new home...

 

It was a joy having them here...laughter ringing around the table each night and happy helpers to handle farm chores while we traveled to The Mediterranean on a dream vacation...

 

I was also "blessed" to have them encourage me to step up my exercise workout.  Which for me was basically doing farm chores and mowing the yard...don't knock it...it's hard work ;-)

 

They loved the P90X Workout series and I (being of unsound mind and body) decided to try it with them...shoot me now...

 

For the uninitiated, the P90X Workout is a series of 12 intense exercise routines designed to take your body from regular to ripped (trust me, you will rip something if you try this workout...intense doesn't even do it justice...)

 

The 12 exercise routines rotate over a 12 day period.  One day is a cardio workout, another day is an ab workout, another day is martial arts, etc.  By day two I realized that doing farm chores and mowing the yard does not count as exercise.  By day three I was crying.  By day four I laid down on the nice soft carpet and ignored my healthy, ambitious children as they energetically exercised around me... It wasn't pretty.

 

So, imagine my surprise when I found out that day eight was a Yoga workout.  Hey, I thought... I could so do that!  No crazy kick moves, sweat-inducing sit-ups or heart-attack-causing jumping jacks.  Just slow easy moves that sounded so...easy...like... the Mountain Pose, and the Crescent Moon and the Up Dog...

 

And, yes, I gave it a try. 

 

Oh. My. Word.  Can Yoga and Death by Exercise be put into the same sentence?  I pulled muscles that don't exist.  Totally blew my mind that something as calm and peaceful as Yoga could be such an intense workout (Katie and Jordan reminded me that the P90X tagline is "a series of 12 intense exercise routines."  I tried to throw a pillow at them, but my arms cramped up into a brand new Yoga pose... it was sad)

 

I crawled into bed and begged Leroy to bring me water and aspirin.  And while I waited for him to put me out of my misery (and stop laughing), I thought of the story of Moses and Amalek.  Please don't ask how my mind went there, there is no figuring it out.

 

But, anyway, the story of Moses and the Amalekites.  Here's Jane's-In-a-Nutshell version...

 

Moses rescued the people (Israel) from the hand of the Egyptians and then they wandered in the wilderness for a long, long time.  While they were wandering, they ran into a group of bullies, the Amalekites, who wanted to kill them.  This wouldn't do, so Moses told Joshua, his right hand man, to gather some men and go out and fight the Amalekites.  And while they were fighting, Moses said he would take the staff of God and stand on the hill above them.  As long as Moses stood on that hill with his hands held up, the Israelite army was winning.  When his arms became heavy, and he lowered them, the Israelites started losing.

 

Quite a dilemma for Moses...because this was kind of like a major, mega Yoga pose.  I think I will call it the Hands-Held-High Pose.  And he had to hold that pose for Hours...battles between nations generally last at least a couple of hours... and while it sounds pretty easy... just hold your hands up, easy... it is not.  (May I remind you that Yoga is an intense workout?!)

 

So, we have an Israelite army in the fight of her life, we have a leader standing in the gap for the people (Israelites) he loves, and we have a potential crisis due to plain, old weariness.  If our leader can't hold his hands up high, all may be lost...

 

What happens next???  Stay tuned tomorrow to see if Moses can maintain the Hand-Held-High Pose and lead the Israelites to victory...

 

(If you can't stand the suspense, you can read ahead in Exodus 17:8-13...)

 

And maybe we can see how this applies to our 31-Day Grace for the Caregiver Challenge.  And it does apply... I promise!

 

See you tomorrow.  Praying Blessings of Grace over you, Jane

 

The Nitty-Gritty Life of the Caregiver

So, now we're getting to where the rubber meets the road...

The raw, hard to share, real, honest to goodness truth about Caregiving.  It's not pretty.  But it's honest.  And Real.  Feelings shared by hundreds and hundreds of other giving souls.

It's where God's Riches (Grace) are needed more than ever.  And yet, are so often the last thing we ask for.

Caring for a terminally ill patient is truly a gift...for the patient...for others in the family...and for you, yes, for you.  There is true joy in the servant posture of coming alongside a loved one in need.

But... it can strip our humanity into shreds.  Even the most grounded among us will reach breaking points we never expected.

For the kicker here is that we are most always doing the giving out of sheer love.  It is a choice we made from a passion deep to serve and to help the one we love.

So, when the Ugly shows up...and it's coming from us, we are shocked, overwhelmed and appalled that we could possibly think, act or do the things we're doing...especially when our loved one is facing a potentially terminal disease.

This is where we're going... down to the part of Ugly Unlovliness that sometimes (many times) takes over a Caregiver's Heart...no matter how hard we try to be the giving, attentive caregiver our loved one needs.

The grim reality is that we Caregivers get...

Tired

Feel Guilty

Explode in Anger

Fight Real Fear

Struggle with our Patience

Deal with the Ungrateful

Contend with Conflict

Battle with Burnout

Wear the Burden of Grief

 

I'm sure you could add your own tales of woe to the list. But...Can I tell you right now that it's ok if you're not perfect?!  No one is... we can explore these disfiguring soul-deep blemishes together with no judgement, no condemnation...just an open hand and heart to hear the Father's call...

"Come to me.  Get away with me and you'll recover your life.

I'll show you how to take a real rest.

Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it.

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace."

                   ~Matthew 11:28-30  The Message

There is grace ahead... Be encouraged to stay the course...  

 Please join us as we continue to explore Grace for the Caregiver in our 31 Day Challenge!   Click on the link to follow all our posts.

You are Loved, Always, Jane

Grace Break...Farm-Style

Happy Surprise on the Farm...

 

Baby Chicks in October!!

 

I think the dry, hot Texas Fall, following the blistering, dry, hot Texas summer has addled momma hen's brain... who hatches out chicks in October?!

 

Sweet baby chicks, fluffy and round, peeping up a storm...

 

 

 

A Grace Break for this first fine October fall weekend!

 

And you can't help but admire the proud Poppa...

 

 

 

Resplendant in his silky plumage.  He's a handsome fellow for sure.  Just wish he wasn't quite so onery.  We've had more than one go-around during feeding time.  He keeps a beady eye on my every move!

 

 

 

Should I dare cross his imaginary red line, the fight is on!

And Grace Break is over... grin!

 

But oh, those little peepers are sweet.

 

May your weekend be filled with Grace Break surprises to lift your spirits and leave a smile in your soul.

 

Love Always, Jane

 

Top Ten Grace Tips for the Caregiver

When mom and I started working on our website, The Pancreatic Cancer Journey, our main focus was to share mom's story...her journey with pancreatic cancer.  It was our prayer and our hope to encourage others with cancer, and maybe to take some of the fear out of the horribly complex world of cancer care and the equally horrendous treatments.

I know that the writing was solace for me...the many emails and notes you sent thru the weeks and months of her journey were balm to a heart sore.

After mom's passing, we all found ourselves in uncharted waters.  The grieving journey was/is a completely different animal than the cancer journey.  Our time of caring for mom was over, but my wayward emotions didn't get the memo... we were all a mess.  Holding it together barely, for each other and for her sake, but we were just a mess. 

We needed Grace...(we still do.)  And as the days roll into weeks and the months stretch long, there is truth that time gentles the ache.  It also allows the traveler to see where they've been and what Grace has done...

God hallows the heartache into joy somehow.  Humbled.  Grateful.  It is a gift from His Gracious Hand. 

And so it is that I can see now where He has worked the most in my life as a Caregiver for mom.  It is a rough list, but still a rendering of the things we have learned thru the Journey...

Our Top Ten Grace Tips for the Caregiver

 

1.  Be Willing... the Caregiver is truly a servant role.

 

2.  Be Flexible...expect Changes.

 

3.  Be a Planner... it helps relieve the Chaos.

 

4.  Be Teachable... it's all new.

 

5.  Be Patient... Be Gentle... with yourself and your loved one.

 

6.  Be Steadfast... when they feel like giving in, do not give up.

 

7.  Be Realistic... about the journey, about your abilities, about the future.

 

8.  Be Vulnerable... it's okay to feel the anguish, the grief of losing your footing

 

9.  Be Quiet... take a Grace Break, time away for just you.

 

10.  Be Proud... Give Yourself Credit, Not Guilt. 

 

 

For the many, many selfless servant hearts, laying down a ministry of love and care this night, my prayer is for Grace to flow abundantly over your life.  You are the hands and feet of the Almighty Himself.  What an honor, what a privilege to serve those you love.

 

I would hug each and every one of you if I could.  May you feel my Grace nod to you across the miles!

 

Love Always, Jane

When Grace and Need Collide

So, here's the thing...being a Caregiver for the terminally ill is not all chicken soup and rose petals...

 

It's brutally hard, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and well, just about every other "-ally" you can think of...

We love the romantic notion of the "Florence Nightingale" come to the resue, white cape and sunset-themed music.

But, let's get real... Caregiving is not for the faint of heart or the squeamish of soul.

There are delicate decisions to be made with doctors, nurses and chemo techs, intricate doling-outs of meds, meals and fluids, yucky cleaning-ups to deal with, precious, upended emotions calling for the utmost care and compassion, and of course, the tedious hours on the phone scheduling and re-scheduling tests, handling insurance claims and running interference with well-meaing friends and family... and that's all in just the first day!  "Florence" is looking a little crazed right at the moment...

Maybe this Caregiving thing needs a little Grace... Yes?

Oh my, yes. 

When our burdens and needs drive us to the Grace-Giver, amazing things happen.   His Riches pour out so sweet in abundance...

Through-out mom's cancer journey, we had so many of these moments.  The burdens were great, but God's Grace met our needs head-on with an all-sufficient power that humbled us, freed us and glorified His riches, always.  Perhaps the best example occurred shortly after her biopsy in November of 2010...

The minute the surgeon told us the biopsy was positive for pancreatic cancer, we frantically threw ourselves into high gear trying to find the best oncologist.  It's not something you really ever think about needing (honestly, who has an oncologist waiting in the wings?)  So we asked the surgeon who did the biopsy, we asked mom's family practioner, we called the hospital where she had worked as a cardiac care nurse for years before retiring, we asked neighbors and we googled with intensity.  Mom finally decided on a local oncologist that had good recommendations and also had a marvelous staff (we loved the nurse and receptionist for their caring demeanors), but after just 2 weeks of chemo treatment, mom ended up in the hospital with severe abdominal pain and an occluded biliary stent.

We were living in crisis mode with this hospital trip so soon after treatment began...We had barely figured out what pancreatic cancer was at this point, and now we have complications? Hello... Caregiving Tension came a knockin'!   But, wait... we have the best oncologist, remember?  Blood pressure come down off the ledge. And confidently we all looked to him for assurance, expecting him to lead with authority ...

That didn't happen.  He blew in and out of the hospital room, barely speaking to the family and never once even touching mom (not checking her lungs, listening to heart, feeling lymph nodes... red flag in hind-sight...I realize now that we were just overwhelmed and in shock, but still it was a huge wake-up call).  He passed mom's case to a gastroenterologist who found the occluded stent and replaced it.  Which we thought was great, until both doctors showed up the next morning and proceeded to argue about the cause of mom's occluded stent.  The oncologist firmly believed it was a reaction to the Gemzar (her chemo drug).  The gastroenterologist just as firmly believed it was because the previous stent was plastic and they plug up fairly often.  He was confident the Gemzar was not to blame.

Stand-off in room 236... Mom and Dad and I just stared from one doctor to the other...

Blood Pressure spiking.  Headache pounding.  Caregiving Tension at its worst.... Who do we believe?  Who do we trust?  Stop the Gemzar?  Let the cancer grow unchecked?  Believe in the new stent?  Proceed with the Gemzar?  Pray for a chance to beat this cancer?  Questions flew hot and heavy in room 236 after the doctors left...

We needed Grace so badly. Right. Then.  But we were barely keeping our heads above water and didn't even know how or what to ask. So very, very humbled and grateful that God hears our heart-anguish and sends His Grace winging to our need...

As we were agonizing over decisions a nurse-angel came in to check mom's blood-pressure and vitals.  She performed her duties quietly, but couldn't help but overhear our confusion and distress.  She sat down next to mom and gently told her that she could always have a second opinion...

Hit us with a feather and knock us right over.  Mom's a nurse herself.  Why in the world did we not think of that?!

Why did we assume that we alone would have to choose between the oncologists advice or the gastroenterologists?

With mom's background as head nurse down at the hospital in the Dallas mid-cities area, she quickly took charge and began making phone calls.  Within a week she had that second opinion with Dr. Davis, an amazing oncologist.

He was God's Grace Gift to us... She switched doctors and began to see Dr. Davis shortly after that hospital stay.  It was a longer drive... but so very worth every mile.  No regrets.   It wasn't easy to do.  But it was the right thing to do for mom.

We experienced just what happens when God's Grace and our Anguished Needs collide...and it's all good. (Think fireworks-and-happiness-kind-of-collision good)

And this is just one of the many times that we found God's grace was completely, perfectly, all sufficient for our weakness and need...

"But he said to me, 'My Grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness.' "

                               ~ II Corinthians 12:9 

 

If you are a Cancer Caregiver, rest easy in His promises.  They are as many and as varied as your needs.   And we have all month to wrestle it down... Thank you Nester for encouraging us to take on the 31-Day challenge.

 

I am finding it to be All Grace  :)

 

Always, Jane