What Lies Within...

"What lies behind us

and what lies before us

are tiny matters

compared to

what lies within us."

                                 

                                     ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Pause Button

Sometimes we just need a Pause Button for life.  No matter the crisis, the agenda, the to-do list, the cancer chaos - we just need to hit Stop and breathe in slow.

Today I was given the most innocent of tasks, to hold the cherub babe while she slept.  Oh, and to rock her just so, while she dreamt...

Simple Bliss...

She nestled sweet into my arms, and time slowed.  I counted feathery eyelashes and watched her rosebud lips soften into sleep.  The old rocking chair creaked as we rocked, keeping rhythm with my rusty lullaby.  My pulse relaxed, her breathing sighed easy and moments suspended...

No thoughts of grief, nor of pancreatic cancer.  No worry over dad and the desperate missing he feels.  Not even the hurt of knowing mom will never rock her... Nor whisper her beautiful name.

Just this little one and me.  Watching her sleep.  Sweetness intensified.  Time stilled.

The Pause Button.

Do you suppose that's what God intended all along?  He speaks it plain...

    "Be still... And know that I am God."

                                            ~Psalm 46:10

A supernatural Stop.  Be still.  Don't speak.  Don't justify.  Don't do.  Just. Be. Still.

I haven't done that enough, as of late.  The Be Still part.  This cancer has sucked our lives into a roaring vortex, where sometimes all we heard were words; test results, prognoses and treatment plans.  The dying and grieving has only layered on more. 

I didn't realize how much more, until I held the cherub child today.  In stillness.  In quiet.  Watching, listening, running a soft finger across her just-from-heaven-kissed cheek. 

Deep, deep inside that stillness, I knew that He was and is and always will be.

For who but a Mighty, Creator God could bring such innocent beauty out of the mess of our lives?  We need the still moments to remember just who Holds each of us.

He is Mighty.  He is Creator.  And He is Bigger than all the noise we make.

Today, I needed this time.  Time to Be Still.  Time to Know that God is.  And that is enough.

Praying you may find the perfect Pause Button for your life today.  May it be the sunset, the beauty of a child's laugh, or the warm hug of a loved one.  Take time to be still and breathe slow... Savor that moment.

Finding Grace in the Stillness this day, Jane

A Blessing in Pink

Such sweetness wrapped up in downy beauty...

Angels danced in heaven's throneroom as

Aubree Claire

graced our arms this very day!

She arrived at 1:27 this afternoon, bringing such joy we can hardly stand it!  And despite the enormous excitement generated by her arrival, she appears innocently oblivious to all the fuss!

Perhaps you will indulge me a few pictures :)

Mother and Daughter say Hello

Simply undone at first sight...

A family of three grows larger in love, hugs and kisses...

Oh, I just want to touch her!

Heaven in my arms!!!!!

I didn't know my heart could sing with such freedom again.  But this little one is such a precious promise that life continues and is Good.  So very, very Good.  For today, we taste a bit of Paradise on earth and thank the One who orchestrates such Miracles as this...

Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes, sweet button nose and simply perfect little rosebud mouth!  Our Aubree Claire, you are loved beyond reason and with all our hearts!

                               So much Grace this day I scarce can take it in...

A Cow in the Road

When mom and I started this website and blog a year ago, we didn't have any idea what it would become.  It was more or less a sharing in the dark, kind of the blind leading the blind.  As we traveled this unpredictable road, we bumped into scary things in the night, stubbed our toes (and our hearts), cried together and then picked each other up and kept going...

Until she couldn't keep going any longer.  That has been the biggest, scariest bump of them all.

I'll be honest.  There have been moments, dark moments when the grief swamped, and I didn't think any of us could keep going without her.  That squeezing hard, can't get air, heart cracked right in half, crushing pain.  From the suspended seconds when we waited for her last breath right into the harsh reality of her leaving our grasp, someone has always been there to hold us.  To put their strong arms around us while sobs wracked our very souls.

I thought I understood the value of community, of fellowship... God placed us in communion one with another from the very beginning.  So wise, so very, very like a Faithful God.  For it has been the people, the loved ones, the strangers, the friends, you, that have picked us up, held me up, and kept us going.

That brings me back to the road we're now on.  This journey.  Once, ages ago, I thought the journey would be finished when mom was healed.

I didn't see the Big Picture.  God's Healing Homecoming was the Happy Ending mom received.  That was our miracle.  For mom, that was The Finish Line.  For me, for dad, for the family and friends...  the journey continues. Without mom.

But never without the community of blessings God has surrounded us with.  That community is you.  That fellowship is sweet and abiding. Nourishment to hungry hearts.  As I think on my journey right now, right here, I can't help but wonder about the website, the blog ... This community of friends, cancer sojourners, cheerleaders, hope-givers and fellow travelers.  It has been on my mind much these last few days.  Where do I go from here?

And then, this morning, I rounded the curve in our road and saw the cow...

I stopped and we politely stared at each other for a minute.  Then his gaze drifted longingly back to the pasture.  The question is begging, how did he get on this side of the fence?

Beats me, but there we were.  Me, in my little red car, on the road, where I belonged, and Mr. Angus, on the hoof, wishing he wasn't on the road getting his picture taken by the lady in the red car.  He gave me that look (same one I get from the kids when the camera comes out...)

Anyway, after much consideration, and me inching closer with that red car, he finally turned and started to plod up the road, where, much to my relief, we met Mr. Farmer, in his appropriately dented white pick-up truck.

My job as cow wrangler was done, but the picture of him staring back into the pasture has just stuck with me all day.  I couldn't help see the comparisons with my own life.  It's kind of what I've been doing for the past month, actually the past year.  Looking back with longing to how it was before....

Before we lost mom...

Before she got so sick....

Before we ever heard the word Pancreatic Cancer!!!

I feel like a tired, out-of-control, spoiled 3 year old when I say this, but

I just want it to be like it was BEFORE!!!!!

And it won't ever be.     I know that.  

It took a cow in the road to smack some sense into me!  Duhhhh!

The road I am on now, is the rest of the journey.   Just because we lost mom to pancreatic cancer, doesn't mean it's over.  Far, Far from it!  It won't be over for me until I can post on this blog, on this website, to the whole wide world that

A Cure Has Been Found For Pancreatic Cancer. 

I think that may be the Finish Line for me.  So many of you have walked the fire with us, to you I owe such a debt of gratitude, there are no words.  I can do no less than pursue the Miracle with you.

There is a cheerleading squad ringing in heavenly realms tonight for each of you.   

" Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat... Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever (pancreatic cancer fits here). And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God."   ~Hebrews 12:1-2, the Message

Mom will be chief among the cheerleaders.  She is that veteran who knows what pancreatic cancer can do to a body.   And we are the loved ones who ran the race with her, we know what pancreatic cancer can do to a soul.

This journey has changed us.  Is still changing us. 

I am only beginning to realize the significance of meeting that old cow today.  For I too have turned back to the road, plodding slowly forward (fairly accurate description, but moving forward, nonetheless), and I finally have my eyes fixed towards Home.

And just up ahead I think I see my Farmer-Father coming to the rescue...

 

The Stretchmarks of Love

We're officially on Baby Watch!

Our beautiful angel-in-law, Kelli, is just days away from giving birth to our second granddaughter.

What excitement at our house!  The anticipation of seeing this precious baby face and counting all those fingers and toes can't be measured.  She and Travis are busy preparing the nursery, stocking diapers and packing overnight bags for the hospital.

In the meantime, Leroy and I are keeping busy with another kind of Kid Watch.  Our cashmere nannies are growing heavy with kids as well!

There is much to do in preparation on the farm for their anticipated arrival.  While winter days in Texas are usually delightful, the nights can be chilly and sometimes downright bitter, so our job as Happy Goat Herders is to make ready the stable:

Fences to keep the predators out...And the babies in!

Heat Lamps for Warmth,

Mangers overflowing with fragrant Hay, and, of course

Alerting Daisy, our faithful Goat Guardian to the impending arrival ...

Soon the birthing pains will begin.  As mothers we endure the unthinkable, bear the unbearable to bring new life into this fragile existence.  I watch Kelli cradle her belly, the dwelling place of her baby sweet.  Her frame is distended, skin drawn taut in protection of the unborn.

All mothers experience this miraculous stretching, expanding of self to make room for the frailness of love.  We acknowledge the pangs of birth, embrace the stretching, the pulling of ourselves to the outer edges of all we think possible...

The pain leaves stretchmarks.  On skin and on soul.  We will never be the same, the marks, the scars are but a breath-taking signature of life's design.

I know mom bore the stretchmarks of leaving us too soon.  She held to life when medicine and science said it shouldn't be.  Mom stretched in a gift of grace, letting God extend Himself in her life.  Even through the pain and brutal weakness the cancer caused her, she endured to the outer edge of selflessness, bearing love and hope to each of us.

Never deny the beauty of the stretchmarks in your life, the work of stretching, expanding, enduring.  They are the signs you are full to bursting with Love and Grace,

                                       Always in Grace,  Jane

Toasts, Hearty Hails, and Lobster Tails

Every year, on New Year's Eve, mom and dad celebrated quietly at home with a traditional dinner of steak and lobster.  They sent the old year out with a toast and welcomed the new year in together...

This year, dad faces the new year without mom by his side.  But he doesn't face it alone.  And it wasn't quiet or traditional!  Well, ok, we had a toast and we had lobster, but the evening was a non-traditional feast of merriment.

First, the toast:

Jordan, Leroy, Katie, Dad and I raised our glasses to Brighter Days, Sweeter Moments and Cherished Memories for 2012,

And then the fun began...

Katie loves lobster (as do we all), but she had never learned how to prepare it, Until Tonight!

First, the introductions.  Katie this is your lobster tail.  She named him Bob (no offense all you delighful Bobs and Roberts out there...)

Hello, Bob!

Then into the Boiling water!

Say what?!!

Bob, are you okay????

Surgery to remove the shells... Scapel, forceps...gloves!  Next time, I'm bringing my welding gloves, those little lobsters were definitely tough cookies to crack!

Success!

And not a moment too soon - the natives were getting restless!

Bob, you never looked so good!!

Let the feasting commence...

We welcomed the New Year with a Hearty Hail to the One who sustains by His grace,

"God has made everything beautiful in its time.

He has also set eternity in the hearts of men.

The unfailing love of the LORD never ends!

By His mercies we have been kept

from complete destruction.

Great is His faithfulness; His mercies

begin afresh each day..."

~ Eccl. 3:11, Lam. 3:22-24

May the Sweetest Beginnings be Yours,

There will always be Grace Enough for each Day.  My Love, Jane

Echoes of Farewell

On the eve of a brand new day that heralds a sweet new beginning, we lay to rest the year past.  A year so full of hope that our loss seems all the more wrenching.

We have watched as the seasons have grown long into winter this past year and the leaves have burnished with the beauty of age.  Mom's days moved in amazing synchronity with nature's journey, a dizzying dance slowing to uneven steps and final breaths even as spring's greening withered on the trees and blew away in the cold grey of winter's bite.

The barren branches swaying outside the window mimic the places in our hearts where her life echoes a vibrant joy.  As we close this year, I realize it is truly a farewell to mom.  She will not be here to greet the New Year with us, nor any of the years to come.  The grandchildren yet to be born will never know her smile, or soft touch, nor will the ones to marry hear her words of love and congratulations.  The ache sometimes is overwhelming.

But there is Hope, for Winter's rest leads to the gracious unfurling of new life.  These dark days will not last forever, of this I am sure.   As we remember her memorial service we honor her life and a journey well-traveled.   Beauty awaits just around the bend.

It is my prayer as we move forward from this place, that the darkness and pain will be winnowed as the chaff from the grain, leaving only the joy and love of her memory to comfort us.  The New Year will bring joy and laughter and love...

Out of our Darkness,
        Come Thou Blessed Light....
              Illuminate the Path Laid out Before us,
                    Leading us to a Place of Warmth and Peace and Hope...