Adventure on the High Seas!

The S/V Mandalay...

She has been our home for the past week...

We have sailed through seas of Caribbean blue straight into picture-perfect sunsets!  There's nothing like tropical beaches and swaying palm trees to put a smile on your face...

We have thrilled to the sails being raised as strains of Amazing Grace filled the air...

And because this is a modern 21st Century High Sea Adventure Sailing Vessel, we toured the engine room too!

But mostly we spent every day ooohing and aaahhing over the simply breathtaking views and vistas of this tropical paradise... God's most amazing handiwork...

We snorkeled, and swam, and soaked in the sun... We laughed and napped and walked barefoot on decks of teak...

The Captain even let me take a turn at the helm!

You'd never guess we were at anchor... you guessed?!

And then there were sunsets.

And in the midst of all this splendor, we made new friends...

Great friendships... laughing and sharing our stories together all week... and finding that Cancer had stowed away even on this tropical paradise...

One of our new best friends... Sam... the cute blond with the curliest of hair, a halo around her smiling face...

Cancer has called her name... and she has stood up and said 'You don't know who you're messing with'  She is cancer free today and celebrating.

Cancer has a way of bonding even strangers.  It wasn't long before we were sharing stories and smiles and hugs.  Fighting hard against a common enemy... we're in this together.  Rejoicing over a battle won!

And that cute halo of curly hair... she shared her secret.  After chemo had ravaged her body and she lost her hair, she tried ORS Hair Fertilizer.  It has worked well for her and is a tip for the journey.

Cancer may have stowed away, but it did not destroy...

God is good.

We have experienced His masterpiece, His fellowship and His sweet gifts of Grace.  

It has been an Adventure we won't soon forget... 

An Unconventional Solution...

An elderly parent...

A chronic illness...

Widowed and alone...

What's a family to do?

Ya'll have followed our journey...you know how Mom's pancreatic cancer diagnosis hit from out of the blue and tore our hearts into shreds.  It was never supposed to be like this!  Mom was younger than dad, healthier than dad and certain to live longer than dad... assumptions that we realized much too late left us anchorless and clueless as how to live life well without her.

And these last few years have seen us stumble through the journey in rather regular bursts and sputters.

The grieving, the growing, the learning...we've all come to accept (but not always like) the new normal of our lives.

That new normal revolves around Dad.  For all of us...

But mostly, that new normal has happened for me and my brothers...

Through these past few years, it has increasingly fallen on us to make sure he was cared for emotionally and physically. 

We carefully navigated the obstacle course of respecting his independence while at the same time ensuring his safety and quality of life at home.

And then the emergencies and hospital stays began.  For the past 8 months we have experienced multiple health crises and emotional decisions...

Rehab centers and a army of specialists... 

Tests and prescriptions and nebulizers and therapists...

Dr appts and naps...

Breakfasts and lunches and dinners...

And thru it all dad has wanted, desperately, to stay in his home.  Would we be any different??

Watching his favorite tree blossom in the spring...

Enjoying fellowship and shortcake with a visiting brother-in-law...

Sitting out on his own patio, just because he can...

(wind was nippy that day, blanket cocoon!)

Dinner party with family...in his own dining room...

And breakfast in his favorite recliner...

And so... in a God-thing, perfect timing, never underestimate your strength or His plan kind of way, the Farmer and I found ourselves between homes, and very available to step in and be the help he needed.

The between-homes part has been a journey in and of itself and perhaps one of these days I will find the words to share the back story of our grand adventure {and the way some dreams take on a perfectly splendid life of their own}

But the between-homes part is where we are now and we've come to realize with greater clarity than ever before how God placed us in this space and time for a ministry so much larger than we could ever have imagined.

We have become the Care-Givers for Dad.  In a rather unconventional way.  Rather than move him to our home, we've taken over his guest room and become, simply, the hands and feet he needs for this portion of his life's journey.

These past 8 months have been filled with a completely full and overwhelming amount of emotional baggage, and I'd be lying if I said that it's been all roses and rainbows.  I have shared much about the real (and ugly) part of caregiving... it's true, we're not saints, just real,(so real) love-you-no-matter-what, don't-have-a-clue-how-to-do-this kind of people.  We've been there.  We are there... 

It's been the little things as well as the big ones. The mundane and the monotonous mixed in with the frantic and dramatic.  Fixing the meals, minding the meds, watching his favorite sports with him, paying the bills, midnight ER runs, picking up milk, trimming the rose-bushes, changing the sheets, wringing our hands waiting on test results, wrangling with insurance, chauffeuring to dr appts, giving hugs, listening to stories, cleaning toilets and doing laundry... and always, always watching the time dwindle.

And we know that day is coming...

So, for today, we will fix a meal, dole out meds, watch some pre-season football

and give a big hug.

Just because we are Blessed to be able to.

It is Grace enough for this moment...

Love, Always,

            Jane

McDonalds, the Internet and Another Road Trip

So... I just might be having Internet withdrawal...

Wow.  It's been 10 days since I last had a connection (I think... it might be longer... I have lost track of days in my social media white-out).  How did the Pioneers ever survive?

We have been on a Road Trip to the North to visit Farmer Husband's family, most especially the sweetest in-laws a girl could ask for...

 

Over the past year, as their health has teetered, they have made some hard decisions... home is now the Marigold Assisted Re-hab Center.  And yet, they haven't been quite able to part with their brick-and-mortar home filled with memories and antiques and treasures.  It has been closed up (no internet!) and winterized these past months, just waiting for visitors from afar :-)  

 

The fellowship and time together has been marvelous... so much to share in days to come... however, it will have to wait until we get home or find another McDonalds (who knew they had free wi-fi? Order another chocolate shake please!)

 

Pictures and stories and hope mingle right along with miles and miles of interstate.  We're headed home...

 

Love and Grace,

                         Jane

Grief is a Merry-Go-Round...

We all have stories to tell.

Sometimes they are filled with light and love; sometimes, sorrow and grief.  Often the two intertwine so closely we can't separate the grief from the love.  Amey Fair has just such a story to tell... one filled with the grief no parent should ever have to endure, yet bound up in a love that heals across generations... let her story speak Grace to hurting hearts...

"It’s been a good couple of days following a rough couple of weeks. Remember, as a child when that one older boy would give the merry-go-round his strongest running push? You would hang on for dear life as the centrifugal force would try to rip your little hands from the bars and you couldn’t wait to get off.

Grief is a merry-go-round.

Sometimes I get to exit the ride for a day or two, but my stomach still churns from the after-effect.

Nathan and I have been attending a grief support group called Grief Share the past two weeks and it’s been a comfort. The first night we went to group we introduced ourselves and all shared who we have lost. After this they turned on the video.

And there he was, my Grandfather, sitting in his living room. The living room I got married in, the living room of my every Christmas Eve and family memories. And he was there, talking without Alzheimer’s, his memory fully intact, looking into my eyes and telling me to embrace the grief and allow it to show, for by this I am demonstrating the depth of the love I have for the one I lost.

I wasn’t expecting him that night. Hot tears sprang to my eyes and rolled down my cheek in the dark room. Nathan searched for my eyes from across the room and shook his head in amazement. I had forgotten; years ago my grandfather was a contributor to the Grief Share ministry. He lost his eldest daughter, my Aunt Suzie, when I was a senior in high school and subsequently wrote a book called ‘Confessions of a Grieving Christian’. His personal walk through grief moved him to be a part of this project, and here I was, years down the road benefiting from it.

By the time Phoebe was diagnosed my grandfather was declining rapidly from Alzheimer’s. Sometimes he would recognize me, other times not. He loved my children and held them on his lap and teased them without fully realizing they were his great grandchildren.

The last time he saw Phoebe in the hospital, she was septic and intubated and I could tell he felt uncomfortable and like he was intruding on a private situation. He didn’t realize that it was his great granddaughter in that bed.

Always the encourager, and one to share wisdom and direction; I know my grandfather would have had something to say to me that would give me hope in the midst of my journey had he not lost his memory. This was a familiar journey for him and he would have imparted strength, empathy, compassion and love.

That night, in the grief group in darkened room he was doing just that.

He was speaking into the future without ever realizing that I would need those words so desperately. I’m thankful for his obedience to do what I know was painful for him.

He passed away last year shortly after Thanksgiving, and one of the thoughts that comforts me daily, is knowing that my Phoebe is with my Grandy. I know what it is to be loved by him, and I know what it is to be loved by her. It’s hard for me to imagine two people more loving than these, so I can’t begin to fathom the love they are sharing with each other now. It makes me smile.

There are more sweet moments with God’s fingerprints all over them that I want to share, and will when I get a chance. I am finding Him faithful and steady even when I am not. It is often hard to hear His voice over the raging storm that is grief, but I keep my ears open."

“Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her.”
Hosea 2:14

When a Blog goes Silent...

In the blogger world, silence can mean many things... like maybe the blog-person has become lazy, or perhaps has lost internet service, or maybe just plain lost interest... nothing new to report, nothing worth blogging about...

But sometimes, a blog silence can mean the blog-person is wholly invested in the business of living life and can't even find a moment (or two) to sit down and tell you all...

... to just Simply tell you all that our Life has been Crazy Busy, filled with Amazing Changes and overflowing with Scary Blessings this past month...

I don't hardly know where to begin.  So many life-changing, down-on-your-knees, Lord-are-you-sure moments in the space between Thanksgiving and Christmas...

There's no organizing my thoughts or emotions, so, in no particular order, here's our current life status in snapshot-short synopsis:

Right before Thanksgiving our sweet daughter and her husband finished the work of becoming certified for the Foster-to Adopt program in Texas!

 

One week later they received a call for an emergency placement.  Just like that they became "parents" to brothers who had been severely burned in a house fire.  Precious babies, hurting and scared, Katie and Jordan dropped everything and took them in...they have been wrapped in love ever since. And Katie and Jordan's orderly life has taken on an absurdly hectic, heavenly buzz!  More on that journey in the weeks to come...

Just as we welcomed the boys around our Thanksgiving table, we received word that Leroy's father had taken a turn for the worse and was rushed to the hospital in Illinois.   Breathing difficulties, fevers and flu-like symptoms... a week of bed rest and compassionate care has seen him improve, but he remains weak...

And thru all this, the event that I struggle to even put into words...

We listed the farm for sale.

So many friends and family have given a collective gasp that we knew we had to explain...

that's where words fail me... for we love the farm... but have felt a pulling and prompting over the year past (and perhaps even longer) that it might be time.   Time to down-size... time to re-order priorites... time to follow God's soft nudging...

And so we called a realtor friend.  Held our breath as she sunk the For Sale sign deep into the ground at our gate.  Then prayed for an answer definite...  Lord please show us your way.  A resounding Yes it will sell.  A determined No you should stay...

God whispered Yes.  We had a contract within 3 weeks.  We closed the week before Christmas...

BitterSweet.  Words can't begin to capture our hearts tumult... but know that even thru the sadness of leaving the farm, is an overriding joy for the adventure ahead!

Do ya'll remember me talking about Dreams a while back?  Refresher... Mark Twain quote?!

Twenty years from now you will be more

disappointed by the things you didn't do

than by the ones you did do...

Sail away from the safe harbor.

Catch the trade winds in your sails.

Explore. Dream. Discover."

~ Mark Twain

 

Yes.  That post... sailing away from the safe harbor...

For the first time in a mess of blue moons, we are sailing away from our safe harbor.

It is an adventure.  It is scary.  It is exciting.  And it is our life...

 

Join us for the journey?

So much more to share in the weeks to come!

P.S.  The goats are safely stabled at our handsome Firefighter son and daughter-in-laws home.  As a matter of fact, Ms. Ruby graced them with their first baby just yesterday!

 

 

Happy New Year!

 

May you find in this New Year the strength to move forward,

tucking the past safely into your heart safe and

leaning into Dreams God has prepared just for you...

 

My Love Always,  Jane 

 

Choosing Happiness... Regret #5

We finish Bronnie Ware's story today with her last of the top 5 regrets that people make on their deathbed.  It has been both emotionally exhausting and unexpectedly liberating for me to explore the topic of life regrets...

I think it would be amazing to live a life free of regrets.... but I also know how complicated the living part of life gets.

At least my life. It's messy.

And I make mistakes.

Even when I don't want to. The Apostle Paul must have felt the same way...

"I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway." Romans 7:18-19 (The Message)

I'm guessing that Paul might have had regrets too. It seems to be part and parcel of the human existence.

"I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions." Romans 7:24-25 (The Message)

Praise God there is Hope.  For when we get to the end of our rope, we touch the hem of His garment.  Christ paved the way for redemption, from all our failings and weaknesses, and yes, from all our regrets.

Even the regrets we might have on our deathbeds:

1.  I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2.  I wish I didn't work so hard.

3.  I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

4.  I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

And the final regret that Bronnie shares:

 

I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one.  Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice.  They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits.  The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives.  Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content.  When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.  When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind.  How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice.  It is YOUR life.
Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly.
Choose happiness.

Ironically, right after I read this particular regret, my happy husband brought in the AARP magazine (don't judge, I'm a youthful 50-ish, no one needs to know!) which had just arrived in the mail.  And in the magazine was a whole article on Michael J. Fox.  Very, very interesting story about him, but what really jumped off the page was this quote...

"There's an idea I came across a few years ago that I love," he says. "My happiness grows in direct proportion (to) my acceptance and in inverse proportions to my expectations.  That's the key for me.  If I can accept the truth of 'This is what I'm facing - not what can I expect but what I am experiencing now' then I have all this freedom to do other things."

All the more profound when you realize that he has been struggling long with the daunting diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease.  The emotional and physical toll that Parkinson's can have on a soul is enormously difficult, but Michael J. Fox's  attitude is largely positive.

That could only come from acceptance.  Which brings the ability to count your blessings. 

And leads to happiness expressed.

It is not too late to choose happiness.  Or to stay in touch with friends.  Or find the courage to express your feelings.  Or get off the work treadmill.  Or to live a life true to yourself....  We may have regrets from our past, but we don't have to live there.  Each day offers a new sunrise, a clean slate, a dew-washed pure to begin again...

And I am reminded so often of God's unfailing good promises to all who stumble and fall, living with regrets and lost opportunity.  It is never hopeless:

"And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten."  Joel 2:25 

Choose today to live life with courage,
to trust in the Promise-Maker.

Life is the Gift.

In Love and Grace, Jane

Friendship.... Regret #4

Bronnie Ware's list of top 5 regrets people make on their deathbeds has surely touched a tender place in my heart. 

And Bronnie's Regret #4 is probably something all of us can relate to...

I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

 

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down.  Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years.  There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved.  Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

 

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip.  But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away.  People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible.  But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them.  They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love.  Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task.  It all comes down to love and relationships in the end.  That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

 

Someone once said that Fate chooses our relatives, but we choose our Friends.  And if you are truly blessed you find that your best friends are your family... Friendships like this are a treasure and worth holding close, but how many of us have indeed let golden friendships slip by over the years?  Another casualty of the busy, busy lives we lead.

 

And holding friends close does take work... but it can be a delightful labor of love!

 

Every year, Leroy and I look forward with anticipation to our summer camping trip with friends. 

 

 

 

We are separated now by miles and miles, but the friendships remain close to my heart.  I can see how easy it would be to let distance dim the warmth.  We don't share the same zip code, the same church, or the same schedules as our dear friends from the metroplex, but we do share the laughter, the jokes, the prayers, the hugs and the love.  It is so worth the intentional effort on our part to make time with them a priority.  We mark the week on our calendar for next years trip the minute we get home, get the farm-sitter lined up, and start gearing up for the fun.

 

And yet, these friendships are not just about fun, but about true community.  It's not just about being together, but about doing life together.  These friends have been there for us in many ways through-out mom's illness.  Their prayers, their phone calls, their solid presence through-out the journey.  They didn't shy away from the ugly, the painful.  As a matter of fact, they walked in when many were walking out... they carried my splintered heart to the throne of Grace on so many occasions.  Friends such as these as truly a treasure. 

 

On the day of mom's memorial service, our family was gifted with their love in action.  We had just arrived at the funeral home, souls aching and grieved, when the door opened and in walked these angel-friends, carrying plates and plates of home-made cookies and brownies and tea and napkins... in wordless solidarity they set up a buffet and began serving all the family and friends.

 

Their smiles of encouragement and hugs of love melted all the miles that could have separated us.  Their presence helped shoulder the heavy weight of our grief, and I know that this was not a simple thing.  It would have been much, much simpler to have just sent flowers or a card.  Their gift was intentional and sacrificial and will be remembered for a lifetime.

 

This is doing life together.  Not just when life is good, but when it cracks and hurts and is messy. 

 

This is when treasured friends leave handprints on your heart.   It is the sweetest gift.

 

In the end, it all comes down to love and relationships. 

Keeping the Peace... Regret #3

Are you a Peace-Keeper or a Peace-Maker?  Regret #3 is all about the way we settle the peace in our lives...

For a clearer picture, let me share Bronnie's 3rd regret on her list of the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed...

I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

 

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others.  As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.  Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

 

We cannot control the reactions of others.  However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level.  Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life.  Either way, you win. 

 

This is a difficult one for me.  I abhor conflict... disagreements... strife... dissension... disciplining children... arguing... and discord.  I am a wimp.

 

I will walk miles to avoid conflict.

 

Expressing my feelings does not come naturally.  Well, that's weird to say, because really, that's exactly what I do on this blog.  Huh... so, on closer examination, what I really do not do naturally is involve myself in the conflict kind of expressing my feelings.  Yes, that's the kind I avoid...

 

Which really makes me a doormat.  I thought it was easier to suppress those feelings than to rock the boat.  I truly do not like to upset people. 

 

But sometimes, a thing needs to be said, in a nice way of course, that still may upset the hearer.

 

An example?  When mom was desparately trying to prepare for the inevitable course of her pancreatic cancer, I could barely stand to see the pain it was causing my dad, not to mention all who loved her.

 

But she knew, gut-deep, that she needed to prepare.  And despite the many, many days that we avoided the conversation, she didn't give up.  As we share in the website, it was her best, last gift to us.

 

What would have happened if she had suppressed her feelings to spare ours?  Taken the "easy" road and avoided the conflict?  We would have been lost and floundering and filled with regrets when the time came to honor her last wishes... In her gift to us, she exhibited a grace and dignity that raised our relationship to a whole new, deeper and more profound level.  I will ever, ever be grateful for her courage in this.

 

End of life issues are never, never easy to talk about.  And you cannot control the reaction of others, but in speaking honestly and from the heart, rest assured that peace will settle.

 

In Matthew 5, Jesus taught the multitudes from high upon a mountainside.  He gave us the passage of scripture that we call the Beautiful Beatitudes.  In verse 9, he shares... "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." 

 

He didn't say Blessed are the peacekeepers...

 

So, I'm thinking that God did not call us to be peacekeepers, but to be peacemakers.  Too often I find myself trying to keep the peace at all costs.  Sometimes, I need to make the peace by confronting an issue, even as uncomfortable as it might make the hearer and me.  And though this may cause momentary conflict and distress, I truly believe that it ultimately brings peace.

It is not easy.  I do not like it.  I have not arrived.

But I am striving to turn my peacekeeping ways into the gentle and blessed art of peacemaking...

May Peace Settle in Blessed Abundance this night,  Love Always, Jane
 

It's all about The American Dream... Regret #2

So... if I have found the courage to be true to myself (Regret #1), then perhaps I can find the strength to Simplify...and get off the treadmill of the "American Dream."  Which is not to be confused with the Dreams deep inside each of us, waiting for us to have the courage to be true to ourselves. 

Well, if that doesn't just get all tangled up.  Maybe I could just share from Bronnie Ware's article, Regret #2 of the the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed:

"I wish I didn't work so hard."

 

This came from every male patient that I nursed.  They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship.  Women also spoke of this regret.  But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners.  All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

 

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do.  And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle."

Regret #2 resonates for me...  The American Dream is all about pursuing wealth, prosperity and success.  And there is nothing innately wrong with any of these things.  Unless they trap you in a vicious cycle of work, work and more work just to get ahead.  When my money owns me instead of the other way around I know I'm in trouble.

And that's where we were about 17 years ago... living up to our necks in debt, in the middle of a bustling city that never slept, spending little time together as a family, running on a treadmill of work, commitments and fast food just to keep up...

And we wanted off.

I get this regret.  Missing our children's youth.  Missing our partner's companionship.  And for what?  A bigger house, a better office, a more exotic vacation...

At the end of our lives what will matter more?  The days we spent at the office, or the time we spent with friends and family? 

And so... 17 years ago, Leroy and I looked at each other, gave in to the Dare and put our house on the market.  We didn't even have a real plan.  More of a "if the house sells, we'll move to the country" kind of plan.

God made it so.  5 days after the house was listed, it sold...

And we moved an hour north of the metroplex to a sleepy little town of cowboys and rodeos, spectacular sunsets and endless nights of star-gazing.   And also a smaller house, skunks and snakes, no mall and definitely no pizza delivery.  The nearest neighbor was half a mile away. 

We held our breath to see how our 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter would take the news...

 

Here are my dad, Katie and Travis exploring the creek and watering hole

the day we discovered our farm and made the decision to put down an offer.

.

The smiles and adventures were just beginning.

We found, much to our delight, that this move was the right one for all of us.  No regrets. 

Bronnie is right on two counts...

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do.  We down-sized our life-style, but magnified our heart-strength.  There are few words to express the freedom that move gave us.

By creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle... We became goat-herders... who would ever have believed?  Not our friends, nor our co-workers, nor even our vet.  But the goat-herding brought a happy to our lives that bred contentment.  And joy...

 

 

 

Pepaw (Leroy) and Autumn (first-born granddaughter)

 doing chores (with Barbie in tow).

 

There are days I know it doesn't get much better.

 

And, of course, giving it all up to move to the sticks and become goat-herders is not for everyone!  My mom never did quite get it ;-)  But she loved us enough to let us pursue our path to happiness, and for us, this farm is that little piece of heaven.

 

Simplifying doesn't have to mean a radical upheaval.  Bronnie's advice to have the courage to be true to yourself merges seamlessly with the desire to focus our priorities on quality time with our loved ones, even if that means letting work take a back-burner sometimes...

 

"Enjoy the little things

for one day you may look back

and realize they were

the Big Things."

            ~Robert Brault 

Regrets? There are 5...

Sometimes a thought just sticks in my head and won't go away... Really, it's not even a whole thought, just a single word...

And not one I want to think about... at all.

But can I forget it?  Nooooo....  It keeps coming up, like the bone Petie keeps burying.  And then digging up.  (And refusing to let go of...)

The point is, I've learned that when a thought (or a word) won't go away, then maybe it's time to hash it over.  Get it out.  Deal with it.  And put it to bed.  Make peace with the troublesome topic and move on. 

Right.  So, this is the thing.  Last week at Aunt Emily's memorial, my sweet cousin shared a simply perfect witness to her life.  I mean perfect, the stories, the smile, the love... all there.  Except.  He added that she always had had a few regrets...

Regrets...

He said, there were things she had wanted to do but never got around to.  Regrets...

Opportunities that slipped thru her fingers.  Regrets...

Choices she had made but wished she hadn't.  Regrets...

I cringed.  Wanted to shut out the word.  For who wants to hear about regrets when there is no time left for restoration?  No happily ever after?

The word rattled around in my soul after I got home.  It followed me to bed.  Crossed my mind during last Sunday's sermon. Interrupted my conversations with the goats, who were no help whatsoever...  And then it had the audacity to jump off the page of an article I was reading...

Regrets.

I stared at the word and finally let the walls down.  And felt the pain.  Tears spilled as I acknowledged the truth of the word.

Regrets... the disappointments, the sorrows, the grief for what might have been, and for what could have been avoided had different choices been made.

In my life.

In Aunt Emily's life.

In mom's life.

It's a truth I can't ignore.  In this life, we will all have regrets... disappointments, sorrows, laments.   Would that there was a way to eliminate these moments.  To find that Happily-Ever-After ending...

And do you know why this particular article had caught my eye?   It was in the title...

"Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed."

 

Seriously.  That was the title.  I wanted to know.  I had to know.  What are the top 5 regrets that people make on their deathbed? 

 

I was surprised at a few.  Nodded with understanding at others.  And overall, found myself strangely uplifted by the inspirational viewpoint of the author.

 

Might you indulge me while I share her story over the next few days?

 

The article was written by a palliative, or hospice, nurse, named Bronnie Ware.  She has spent many years tending to the needs of the dying, and has found a universal thread of emotions as people neared the end of their lives.  There was often denial, and there was fear, also anger and remorse.  But almost always the emotions evolved into acceptance.  She shares that every single patient she tended found peace before they departed.

 

When she asked about any regrets they had or anything that they would have done differently, she found that there were 5 common themes of regret among these terminally ill patients.

 

Today, let me share the first of these 5, it is the most common regret of all...

 

"I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

 

When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled.  Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.  It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way.  From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late.  Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it." 

 

Dreams gone unfulfilled... because we live the life others expect of us...

 

Perhaps this is true for many.  For others, the ones who have focused soley on attaining their dreams, they may find when they arrive that they are all alone. 

 

Seeking our dreams at the expense of others is the opposite of becoming enslaved to the expectations of family and/or peers and never breaking free to reach for our dreams.  It is a double-edged sword, is it not? 

 

I have found myself thinking of dreams...My dreams.  And I wonder, what dreams have I not nurtured?  Have I given up on?  What dreams have I experienced with gladness?  Found come wholly true?  If tomorrow I learned of my terminal diagnosis, what would I clearly see?

 

Will this be my most lamented regret?  Not having the courage to live a life true to myself?

 

If Aunt Emily could come back for just a moment and share her thoughts, I have no doubt it would be to refute the last line of the author's post... "From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late."  This is so not true!  Aunt Emily was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer over 3 years ago.  It had spread to her spine, honeycombing the bones.  She suffered numerous fractures and aggressive chemotherapy and radiation to ease the pain and arrest the development of the invading cancer cells.  During this time she successfully realized a dream and published not one, but 6 novels...  An amazing feat for any healthy person, but phenomenal for one struggling hard with all the physical and emotional turmoil of a terminal disease.

 

This is one of the stories my cousin shared.  As a family they could not be prouder of her successes, her dreams come true.  And yet, her regret was of not having done it sooner....  I pondered that thought and decided that perhaps she didn't realize herself what an inspiration she was to so many people.  Somehow I believe those novels were published right on time.  And I so wish I could tell her...no regrets...not for this one dream.  It is beautiful and right... a legacy lived out for her husband, her children and her grandchildren...

 

And...

 

It is not too late...

 

... to find the courage to live a life true to yourself.  What dreams lie beating within your heart?  Have they been long buried? Or are they bringing joy to your soul?  Have they been smothered by the demands of life?  Or are they your life?

 

What Dreams has the Grace Giver placed within you?  Dare to Live a Life True to the Calling...

 

It is never too late.

 

(to be continued...)

   

Love Your Life

Living Life

by Bonnie L Mohr



Life is not a race–but indeed a journey.
Be honest. Work hard. Be choosy.
Say “thank you”, “I love you”,
and “great job” to someone each day.
Go to church, take time for prayer. The Lord giveth
and the Lord taketh, Let your handshake mean more than
pen and paper. Love your life and what you’ve been given,
it is not accidental – search for your purpose and do it as
best you can. Dreaming does matter. It allows you to
become that which you aspire to be. Laugh often.
Appreciate the little things in life and enjoy them.
Some of the best things really are free. Do not worry,
less wrinkles are more becoming. Forgive, it frees the
soul. Take time for yourself – plan for longevity.
Recognize the special people you’ve been blessed
to know.  Live for today, enjoy the moment.

May your Journey be Well Lived and Thoroughly Enjoyed!  Jane