I knew him as Hans Gruber...

My kids knew him as Professor Snapes.

From Die Hard to Harry Potter, Alan Rickman had an appeal that spanned generations.

And this week past, we lost him to pancreatic cancer.

I didn't know him, other than from the brilliant characters he portrayed, and yet, I felt as if I had lost a close friend, there was such a heaviness when I heard the news. A wave of grief for a man who struggled with the same pain, the same prognosis as mom... A man who has so recently walked the same road that mom had journeyed.

Pancreatic cancer is simply devastating lives still...

Power, prestige, position... makes no difference to the insidious disease that continues to rip families apart.

And my heart aches for his wife.  And his family, his friends.  And the many, many fans that have followed his work and are reeling from this sudden loss...

There are no answers for why pancreatic cancer is still winning, for the pain that it causes.

5 years ago our family was in the fight of our lives as mom waged war against a cancer that took no prisoners...and we continue that fight today.

In her honor.

And in honor of the thousands that have raised their hand to be counted in the battle, celebrities and ordinary everybodies who make my heart take wing every single day...

As I have read the many tributes to Alan Rickman this week, a quote of his just resonated deeply:

“And it’s a human need to be told stories. The more we’re governed by idiots and have no control over our destinies, the more we need to tell stories to each other about who we are, why we are, where we come from, and what might be possible.”

Our stories are the light that gives hope as we journey this unpredictable road to what might be possible...

Always. 

May we carry the torch for those following behind... 

Fighting Pancreatic Cancer until the Journey is filled with Hope and Healing...to all the tomorrows that might be possible...

My Love, Always,
                          Jane

The Best Way Out of this Journey...

"The best way out is always through."

                              ~ Robert Frost

No matter what we face in our journey, nor how we wish things would change... in the end, there is only one way out.  The best way out is always through.

Be it a cancer journey valley or a broken hearted sinkhole, when we determine to raise our souls and face the labor of it square on, something cracks inside...

And through that break of wishing the pain away, that facing of the hard, Grace opens the vale to the skies of blue beyond and beckons sweet.

For there is always promise in Grace... an overwhelming love and sustaining power... no matter what we face, nor how we wish things would change....

"But he said, "My grace is sufficient for you,

for my power is made perfect in weakness."

                                                                   ~ II Corinthians 12:9

The Broken Heart Syndrome is Real

I always thought that Broken Hearts were the stuff of fairy tales and happily-ever-afters... but, you know, for when things didn't end so happily ever after... kind of like those Hallmark movies that leave you heartbroken til the very end when everything magically turns out ok, but your heart aches all the same...

It seems that Broken Hearts are a very real medical condition.  And dad was just diagnosed with one...

No fairy tales or Hallmark movie directors here.  Just a cardiologist and an angiogram and dad.

After his admission to the ICU last week for double pneumonia, blood work revealed some elevated heart enzymes... we learned that this could indicate a possible heart attack... our hearts raced just to think...

But dad didn't complain of chest pain we said...

It was then we learned of another very real medical condition... the silent heart attack, (that would be the kind with no chest pain)...

By this point, I might have been having a small heart attack.  My chest hurt, and panic edged near the surface.

Dad was in the best place he could have been... they whisked him down to the CathLab and performed an angiogram under light sedation.

Within the hour we received the best news... No Blockages... No Heart Attack...

However, the sweet young tech said, the cardiologist wants to visit with you, here, in this little conference room, just wait for him to get down here, stay in this little room by yourselves, and don't worry...

Well, one minute turned into five, then five to ten...in this little room, by ourselves, waiting, not worrying...chest was hurting again...

Finally, the cardiologist arrived and got down to business.

He explained how the angiogram had been very successful... there were no blockages, no need for stents or balloon sinuplasty to open up vessels in the heart.

That's good... we say, Yes?

Well, yes, that is good... But... your father's heart has experienced an event that we call Stress Cardiomyopathy.  His heart has been weakened and is only pumping at 50% efficiency...

That's not good.  We didn't need the cardiologist to confirm this.

Then he told us that Stress Cardiomyopathy has been nicknamed the Broken Heart Syndrome because it so often occurs after the traumatic loss of a loved one and the subsequent grief that follows...

And my mind went right to our last visit with mom...

The missing is a living thing... the grief a real, live, heart breaking ache... not eased by time...

And, we all, as one, said, of course.  The heart has hurt for too long...

Dad misses Mom with every breath he takes.  The pneumonia perhaps a complication from the Broken Heart and the attending congestive heart failure.

Tears fell as we realized just how much Dad has been hurting and missing and grieving...

It has become all too real... and there's no happy ending in this Hallmark movie because there was no cure for mom's pancreatic cancer... no last minute silver bullet... no reprieve from certain death...

The final curtain closed as heaven called her home.

And his heart just broke.

And where do you go from here?

God prepared the road long before our feet took the first step... He, in infinite wisdom, provided the staff that would be ministering to dad (and to us) this very day... we have been roundly held with gentleness and compassion.

We have learned that Broken Hearts can mend.  With time.  And with love.

There is the promise of healing.

So we bundle him up in warming blankets as the pneumonia chills wrack his body and the weariness settles in...

and sit by his side as he sleeps...

Prayers beseeching a heavenly Father who knows the hurt of the Broken-Hearted.

Asking for a big dose of heart-mending hope this night,

to hold us thru the dark...

When New Years Wishes are Conflicted...

This wasn't exactly how we planned to spend our New Year's Eve and Day...

Hospitals and pneumonia, breathing ragged and painful.

A Midnight run to the ER, hushed phone calls in the hall...

X-rays reveal what we already knew.

Doctors consult and begin admitting procedures

as Times Square excitement blares.

We had suits starched and shoes shined for another event entirely...

A New Year's Eve Celebration

months in the making!

A dress and 2 rings and a family circle growing deeper in love...

And at Poppy's insistence, the wedding festivities continued on,

a favored Grandson and his beautiful girl said their I Do's

as the clock heralded a New Year.

... and their happiness shone bright...

even as Poppy's breathing slowed and tears fell,

There was a keen sorrow at missing such joy.

And sometimes New Years Wishes are conflicted...

when we wish for Happy, but are faced with pain and hurt and uncertainty.

When our lives aren't going as planned,

and life is de-railed in the midst of the Hopeful expecting.

It's hard to find Happy and see a future of Good

when each breath is labored and the heart is aching.

And right in the middle of this emotional tangle,

an ambulance siren pierced the night,

bringing the victim of a tragic midnight shooting

to the hospital right where we sat.

A family's life was ripped in two as they arrived,

rushed and frantic,

to find their 20-year old daughter barely clinging to life.

We heard the sobs as a mother cried for her only child,

and the wails as this precious girl slipped away

despite all the heroic efforts to save her.

Our tears fell now for the ones who were suffering

an unimaginable grief this New Year's Day.

Our paltry sorrows paling in comparison.

And how do you find the Happy in this?

A New Year that is bleak and grim for a family who must now plan a funeral

instead of planning a life of dreams fulfilled...

There are no words for such grief.

Nor wishes for a Happy New Year.

And we realize anew that life is what we have right now.

For Poppy, it is here in this hospital room, and it is what we make of it.

To cherish time

and another year here, with us.

For Dustin and Blair, it is the moment they have right now,

in each other's arms, loves vows fresh,

their first dance together as Mr. and Mrs...

And somehow, we find the grace to hold on to the Hope,

trusting in the Good this year...

to know that the New Year may not be Happy,

but it can be filled with love, to walk us through the darkest valley.

For as the grief overwhelmed in the ICU ward this night,

as a mother held tightly to a daughter's still form,

friends and family were pouring into the hospital's waiting room and lobby...

more than this small hospital could hold, and yet they came and crowded in,

there to cry with a grieving mother, to walk with her, to be there and offer comfort

in the only way they knew how...

loving her through the grief

right into the new year...

Our wish this New Year would be for Grace

to hold us, right where we are,

whether there is Happy, or there is Sorrow.

May God's Sovereign Hand open to reveal

the Hope that is found, always, in Him...

"...all know and agree that God is sovereign,

that he holds all things in his hand..."

                                          ~ Job 12:10

in Grace He promises to never let us go...